Content Warning: This week’s episode involves a personal story about intimate partner violence.
In this week’s episode, we talk about the times in life we find ourselves far from where we thought our life would be and wonder, “How the hell is this my life right now?” I’ll share my own story of healing and growth through a dark time of abuse, along with the key to bringing change and healing to any circumstance.
You will learn:// Why we end up in the difficult life situations we do
// How veering off our path doesn’t mean we are weak or naive
// How we can end the loop and begin healing
// Two tools we need to bring change and growth
Resources:// Episode 51: Self-Compassion
// Episode 100: How to Know You’re Making Progress
// Episode 175: The Two Wings of Freedom - Wisdom & Compassion
// I’d love to hear from you! You can leave a review on the Rebel Buddhist Podcast on iTunes by clicking here.
// Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
Welcome to the 200th episode of the Rebel Buddhist Podcast! This week, we’re celebrating the WILD ones. And yes - that means we’re celebrating YOU. We’ll jam on some of my fave concepts and teachings from past episodes and why each one is a rebellious act on its own. Plus, I’ll tell you the most counter-cultural concepts of all!
You will learn:// Why the consumerist, materialistic world can never free us from unnecessary suffering
// Some of the most rebellious ideas and teachings from the past 200 episodes, including:
> Impermanence & non-attachement
> Non-dual perspective
> Compassion
> Mindfulness
> Ehipassiko
> Unnecessary suffering
> Curing vs Healing
// Why the world needs each of us - in all of our wild, rebellious, crazy glory
Resources:// Episode 9: Impermanence, Death, and Other Sexy Things
// Episode 51: Self-Compassion
// Episode 60: How to Avoid Unnecessary Suffering
// Episode 82: How to Live in Polarity
// Episode 122: Come See for Yourself - Ehipassiko
// Episode 161: Healing vs Curing
// I’d love to hear from you! You can leave a review on the Rebel Buddhist Podcast on iTunes by clicking here.
// Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This week’s Episode is about liminality - what is it? How does it affect our spiritual path? What’s the difference between a mental health crisis and being in liminality (there’s a lot of overlap)? And how can we manage all the discomfort we’re bound to experience when we’re in it? We’ll also jam on why we can ideally spend as much time in liminality as possible, and how we can navigate this vast area of unknowns.
You will learn:// What liminality is and the places we see it on our own journeys - and in everyday life
// The difference between a mental health crisis and being in liminality
// The importance of recognizing when we’re in liminality and some of the common characteristics
// How liminality leads to certain types of death and transformation
// Ways we can help liminal spaces seem less frightening and more navigable
Resources:// Episode 100: How to Know You’re Making Progress
// Episode 126: How to Know if Your Making Spiritual Progress
// Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This week’s episode answers the question, “What the heck is enlightenment, anyway? And what does that even look like in today’s world?” We’ll dive into the truth behind finding enlightenment in our little every day moments, and how sometimes we only achieve it for a short moment… and that’s totally normal! Plus I’ll talk about the importance of practice as we each find our own unique enlightenment
You will learn:// The role of accepting and living in paradox in enlightenment
// How there is more than one type of enlightenment
// How we can achieve enlightenment in everyday moments
// The importance of building up a foundation for our insights to be sustained through practice
// How enlightenment can change our view of ourselves and the more-than-human world
// Why enlightenment has many types… and why that’s good news for each of us
Resources:// Episode 82: How to Live in Polarity
// Episode 82: Vulnerability & Lovingkindness
// Episode 107: Equanimity in Everyday Life
// Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This week we’re diving into when our Core Wound becomes our Sacred Wound and how our Sacred Wound allows us to live our soul purpose… but only when we stop trying to heal or “fix” it. Plus, I’ll talk about how we can begin to explore our Core Wound without retraumatizing ourselves all over again.
You will learn:// What a core wound is and how it affects everyone differently
// How we can safely explore our core wound without retraumatizing ourselves
// Why we don’t want to heal or “fix” our core or sacred wound… and why this work never ends
// How our Sacred Wound allows us to live our Soul Purpose
Resources:// Episode 55: Letting Go to Grow
// Episode 182: When Trauma Is Taken out of Context
// The Wild Mind Series:
Episode 142: Your Wild Mind – The North + Protectors
Episode 143: Your Wild Mind – The South + Wounded Children
Episode 144: Your Wild Mind – The East + Our Need to Escape
Episode 145: Your Wild Mind – The West and Our Shadows
// Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This week’s episode is all about our relationship with the more-than-human world, and the importance of not just taking from it, but also giving back. Today’s modern industrialized society encourages us to take and extract, but in doing so, we are left empty and disconnected, and the more-than-human world suffers as well. We can find a way to heal ourselves, and help restore balance, love, and respect to the world we all hold a unique and important place in. This plays out in our relationships with other people, too!
You will learn:// How reciprocal relationship matters not just in our human relationships, but also with the more-than-human world
// How modern industrialized society encourages humans to take and dominate… and how that’s starving the world and our spirits
// Practices that help us give back
// What it means when we are not experiencing reciprocity in our human relationships (hint: potentially toxic!)
Resources:// Episode 139: Nature and Reconnecting
// Episode 188: Connected in Our Grief and Wonder
// Episode 193: Lessons in Trust and Interdependence – Crossing the Street in Hanoi
// Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
In this Episode of the Rebel Buddhist Podcast, we’re diving into our 5 senses… and beyond. The way we connect with the more-than-human world can heal ourselves and the world around us, but using only our 5 senses just scratches the surface of ways we can begin to be more present to nature - and ourselves - on a daily basis. I talk about the more subtle and energetic ways of knowing that we can cultivate to develop an authentic relationship with the natural world, and even learn to communicate with more-than-human others. As usual, I’ll be giving you some great tips to help you get started!
You Will Learn:// Exercises to practice having authentic relationships and connections with more-than-human others.
// How tapping into our deeper ways of knowing - more subtle than the 5 senses - can heal us and the world around us
// How we can drop into our five senses in a deeper and more meaningful way to help us be more present
// Ways we can connect with our more esoteric senses in nature on a daily basis
// Plus… more evidence to support you haven’t totally lost it if you sense messages from the world around you
Resources:// Learn more about Amos Clifford’s Nature & Forest Therapy
// The Adventure Mastermind is FULL!
Get on the waitlist for the next one at AdventureMastermind.com. We might not run it next year, but we will have a new program in its place that you’ll want to be the first to hear about
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly?
Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This week’s episode is all about our work - and what to do when it’s more of a Survival Dance than a Sacred Offering. I’ll share my own journey as I stepped into my Soul Purpose of soul midwifery and how I chose to reframe my job to keep from resenting it. Plus I’ll talk about the first step we can all take to help us begin our sacred dance: cultivating ziji - our radiant inner confidence.
You will learn:// Why the survival dance is necessary for each of us, and how it helps us begin exploring our sacred dance
// How self-reliance and ziji can help us power through moments of doubt and perceived failure on our journeys
// Why it’s become so hard for us to find and follow our Soul Purpose in a sustainable way
// Ways we can connect our survival dance to our sacred dance as we continue to explore our Soul Purpose
Resources:// Episode 64: Cultivating Radiant Inner Confidence - Ziji
// Episode 134: What You’re Meant to BE
// Episode 178: The Gift of Wandering - Exploring Our Purpose
// The Adventure Mastermind is FULL! .
Get on the waitlist for the next one at AdventureMastermind.com. We might not run it next year, but we will have a new program in its place that you’ll want to be the first to hear about!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly?
Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This week I reflect on a recent visit to Hanoi, Vietnam, and how a simple experience of crossing the street turned into a very healing and eye-opening lesson in trust and interdependence. We’ll talk about how in the US, when it comes to navigating traffic and driving, we are taught to assume we are invisible. Drive defensively. Cross streets assuming no one sees you. In Hanoi, it was the opposite. If you wanted to do something as basic as cross the street, you have to assume you would be seen, and that people cared and would take care. I was able to literally walk into oncoming traffic amongst strangers - something we can’t do in many industrialized growth societies like the US. We explore the vulnerability and beauty of how humans can move through chaos together when we come from a place of interdependence and interbeing.
You will learn:// What is possible when we embrace interdependence and the fact that we are connected to everything
// The gifts that taking risks by being vulnerable and trusting others can bring to us (while using discernment, of course!)
// How we can find healing in interdependence and trust in one another
// Why so many industrialized growth societies are so far from interdependent interbeing, and how we can offset that
Resources:// We just had our bonus virtual retreat for the AMM early birds, so be sure to apply if you haven't yet, because it’s recorded and you can watch it in your pajamas AND still get the amazing January bonuses we have going on.
Head over and apply at AdventureMastermind.com. I mean, this is what I got from crossing a dang street. Imagine hanging with me while we go night snorkeling with manta rays and explore our consciousness in altered states? I know, right?
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly?
Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This week we’re continuing our conversation about soulcentric adulthood by diving into the topic of soul initiation. We’ll jam on what the heck that even means and why we must first undergo a transformation and death of our old self before we can discover and step into our Soul Purpose. And I’ll give you some insightful questions and practices to try out so you can create space for dissolution to occur in your own life… when the time is right.
Resources:// 71: How to Find Your Purpose
// 99: Rebel Purpose
// 134: What Your Meant to BE
// 178: The Gift of Wandering - Exploring Our Purpose
// 187: Leaving Home
// 191: Soulcentric Adulthood
// If you’re up for a journey that involves soul-searching, mind-expanding wisdom at a level most people don’t even explore, and taking on the honorable role of a true adult in your community, and eventually even as a respected elder which we really need more of (because remember – we have to complete these other stages first!), check out the Adventure Mastermind – we start with a virtual retreat later this month, and our first retreat is on the Big Island of Hawaii in February. Head over and apply at AdventureMastermind.com. We’ve only got 2 spots left!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
In this Episode of the Rebel Buddhist podcast, we talk about what it means to be a true grown-ass adult…in a soul centric way. Many theories of human development focus on stages that are reached in certain age ranges. But you and I both know that turning 18 doesn’t mean you’re a grown-ass adult, and it certainly doesn’t guarantee that we are psychospiritually mature. Listen to find out what true adolescence and adulthood mean, and why reaching true adulthood is so important for ourselves and the world around us.
You will learn:// The difference between Eco-Soulcentric and Ego-centric Development
// Why so many people can live their entire lives without ever discovering true adulthood
// What true adolescence and adulthood are
// The 9 transitions or passages between the 8 stages of Bill Plotkins’ Eco-Soulcentric Wheel
// The importance of reaching true adulthood - for ourselves, our community, and the world
References:// Wild Mind Series:
// Episode 105: Soul vs Spirit
// Episode 139: Nature & Reconnecting
// Episode 187: Leaving Home
// Episode 129: How to reparent ourselves
// Episode 116: Rites of Passage
// If you're up for a journey that involves soul-searching, mind-expanding wisdom at a level most people don’t even explore, and taking on the honorable role of a true adult in your community, and eventually even as a respected elder which we really need more of (because remember - we have to complete these other stages first!), check out the Adventure Mastermind - we start with a virtual retreat later this month, and our first retreat is on the Big Island of Hawaii in February. Head over and apply at AdventureMastermind.com. We’ve only got 3 spots left!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
In these times it can be easy to feel powerless to have any significant impact on the future, especially as we cross the threshold of being able to reverse things already set in motion, like climate change. We need to move beyond the concept of “changing the world” - which is often overwhelming and leads to apathy. Indeed, in many ways, we can’t change the world. AND this does not mean we do nothing.
When I was an activist against nuclear weapons in my teens and also advocating for environmental changes, this was the mentality - to change the world. And back then, in some ways, it was easier to do that.
But with some of the crises we are facing today, there are many things that are irreversible, and we can easily fall into despair.
An Island of Sanctuary is a place of refuge and community. As Margaret Wheatley says, “We can’t keep swimming alone in these toxic seas.”
In this week’s Episode, we’ll talk about how we can do our part to build islands of sanctuary in a more manageable way - within our own families and communities.
You will learn:// Why “saving the world” might not be as noble as it sounds
// The dangers of not having discernment about what we can and cannot change
// The importance of helping those within our reach
// What Islands of Sanctuary are and why they’re so necessary for effective changemakers
// Why we can’t skip the chaos and collapse, no matter how much we want to - and how we can prepare for it
// Qualities of an Island of Sanctuary for yourself AND your community
Resources:// Episode 188: Connected in Our Grief and Wonder
// Episode 179: Medicine for These Times
// OK my friends, as we arrive in a brand new year, If you’re looking for your own Island of Sanctuary to do this deeper work, to open to truth and most importantly to the truth of your own soul, come join me in the Adventure Mastermind.
It’s a small group of self-identified women (you’ll probably never see a group this small in the coaching world and certainly not in altered states work these days), and we have an absolutely magical curated experience for you to go deep. Head on over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply now – we’ve got some great bonuses too!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This week’s special Greatest Hits episode is all about forgiveness - some of the biggest misconceptions we often have about it, and why forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with the other person feeling remorse. Plus, we’ll jam on how our “enemies” can actually be our greatest teachers.
In this Episode you will learn:// Why forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person being sorry or feeling any remorse
// Some of the biggest misconceptions people have about forgiveness
// How to decide when you should forgive someone
// How our “enemies” can be our greatest teachers
Resources:// Episode 16: How to Improve Any Relationship
// Episode 53 How to Forgive Yourself
// Download the gorgeous REVIEW, REFLECT + ALIGN workbook by clicking here
// OK my friends, we are coming to a close in 2023. If you want a safe and supportive place to do this deeper work, to open to truth and most importantly to the truth of your own soul, come join me in the Adventure Mastermind.
It’s a small group of self-identified women (you’ll probably never see a group this small in the coaching world and certainly not in altered states work these days), and we have an absolutely magical curated experience for you to go deep. Head on over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply now – we’ve got some great bonuses too!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
In this week’s episode, we dive into the suffering we witness in the world around us and the importance of allowing ourselves to feel our grief for all of it, as well as holding beauty and wonder for this precious life at the same time. I’ll open up about some of the suffering I’ve witnessed and discuss the key to bearing witness to the world’s pain without feeling overwhelmed - not doing it alone! Plus I give a few suggestions of ways we can reconnect with others through our shared grief and allow easier access to those difficult emotions.
You will learn:// Why we must open ourselves up to grief for the world around us
// How to find beauty in what causes us to grieve
// The importance of interconnectedness and realizing we are not alone
// Ways we can reconnect with others in a deeper way + cultivate resilience
Resources:// The Work That Reconnects by Joanna Macy
// Episode 174: Decolonize Your Mind
// OK my friends, we are coming to a close in 2023. If you want a safe and supportive place to do this deeper work, to open to truth and most importantly to the truth of your own soul, come join me in the Adventure Mastermind.
It’s a small group of self-identified women, you’ll probably never see a group this small in the coaching world and certainly not in altered states work these days - and we have an absolutely magical curated experience for you to go deep. Head on over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply now – we’ve got some great bonuses too!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
In this episode, we talk about the importance of leaving home - physically AND psycho-spiritually. I’ll dive into how to know when it’s time to wander, and why we must do so in the first place. We talk about intersectional barriers to access leaving home - and how modern industrialized society holds us back (and why).
You will learn:// How to know it’s time to wander
// How our wandering impacts the world around us
// What leaving our physical and psychspiritual home looks like
// Why modern industrialized society makes it so hard to leave the village
// How to overcome the forces holding us back
// Two things to try as you begin wandering on your own.
Resources:// Episode 178: The Gift of Wandering - Exploring Our Purpose
// The Journey of Soul Initiation, by Bill Plotkin
// Nature and the Human Soul, by Bill Plotkin
// If you’re ready to leave the village and begin your own soulcentric journey, come apply to the Adventure Mastermind, because this is THE thing we do. The first retreat is in mid-February around Valentine’s Day. What better way to gift yourself som love, right? ;)
So come experience what it’s all about. Head on over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply now – you’ve got nothing to lose by applying, ok?
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This episode is all about a highly requested topic: breakups and heartache. We’ll talk about the difference between “clean pain” vs “dirty pain,” as well as the importance of fully metabolizing the pain and sadness that comes from the end of any relationship (and what happens when we don’t). We also dive into the role history and societal expectations play in how we validate or judge relationships, and why using the length of a relationship to legitimize it isn’t helpful - at all. We explore relationships being there for a reason, season, or lifetime, and how resisting reality (the relationship has run its course; the other person feeling it’s done, even if we don’t agree; facing that we really aren’t satisfied in the relationship) really screws us in the end. And of course, we talk about how we can cause ourselves way less unnecessary suffering, and instead move towards transformation and growth.
You will learn:// What clean and dirty pain are, and how to tell the difference
// How to go from dirty to clean pain and help ourselves heal
// How to steer clear of shame and blame
// The role societal expectations play in how we validate or judge relationships
// The benefits of “conscious uncoupling”
Resources:// Episode 2: How to Not Care What Other People Think About You
// Episode 16: How to Improve Any Relationship
// Episode 18: How to Coach Yourself
// Episode 24: How to Be With Any Emotion
// Episode 36: How to Let People Be Wrong About You
// Registration is officially open for the Adventure Mastermind and we’re already halfway full! We start at the end of January with our first retreat in Hawai’i in February (sunshine, blue water and starry nights, anyone?)
Listen - this is going to be even more mystical than EVER. Someone who did the program just over a year ago is coming back because yes, I have to say, it IS that good. So come experience what it’s all about. Head on over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply now - you’ve got nothing to lose by applying, ok? ;)
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This week’s episode is all about equanimity and emotional stability. Many people have this idea that to be emotionally stable means we have to go through the world with this detached point of view about everything - good or bad. But that couldn’t be further from the truth! True equanimity is a balanced engagement with ALL aspects of life - the good AND the bad. Listen to learn more about how we can cultivate this in our own lives through a deeper understanding of the 4 Noble Truths.
Resources:// Episode 60: How to Avoid Unnecessary Suffering
// Episode 63: Being Human is Hard - The First Noble Truth
// If you want to start integrating all of you into this one precious life we have, apply for the Adventure Mastermind. It’s Soul Work. Deep work. Important, necessary, and essential to what the world needs right now. Be a part of it.
If you’re remotely curious, apply. It will help you get clear, and then we can chat to see if it’s actually a good fit. Trust me – it’s an intense 6 months so I am just as invested as you are in making sure it’s an amazing match. Head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the Summer cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
This week dive into the importance of bringing ritual and ceremony into our daily lives in the midst of modern industrialized life. We’ll emphasize why self-directed ritual and ceremony can be particularly potent. I’ll also share a bit about my own rituals and why each is so important to me, and then we’ll lay out some tips and ideas to help you get started in creating (or bringing back) your own practices for more magic, connection, and wonder in your daily life.
Resources// Episode 9: Impermanence, Death and Other Sexy Things
// Episode 81: The Importance of a Daily Routine
// Episode 110: The Miracle of Being Alive
// Episode 116: The Importance of Rites of Passage
// If incorporating a sense of magic and wonder into your life everyday is something that you really dig the idea of, this is a part of the Adventure Mastermind! Learning how to create ritual and ceremony for your unique needs, dreams, goals, healing, and sense of belonging, connection, and meaning in life. We also engage in our own plant medicine ceremonies and practices and create our own regular practice to stay connected to, and aligned with, what matters most.
Registration is officially open and the November bonuses expire soon, so head on over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply now. We start at the end of January with our first retreat in Hawai’i in February (sunshine, blue water and starry nights, anyone?)
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This week’s episode explores the common thread that we can all see throughout our lives; that piece of authenticity of our unique gift that is carried throughout everything we do. I’ll talk about the moments in my life where I followed that thread, and how I felt when I didn’t follow it. Plus we’ll explore some ways we can better connect with our unique way of loving the world - or discover it for the very first time.
Resources:// Episode 71: How to Find Your Purpose
// Episode 99: Rebel Purpose
// If you want to explore soul purpose - and the deep personal inquiry that’s required to do so - come join us in the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind. We start at the end of January with our first retreat in Hawaii in February.
Registration is officially open. So head on over to AdventureMastermind.com and grab your spot now!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This week’s episode is about taking trauma out of context - how and why we do it, and how it can affect not just ourselves, but our families and our entire culture for generations. Plus we’ll dive into what we can all do to help contextualize these traumas and begin the healing process - discovering the potential for profound personal and cultural transformation.
Resources:// My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies, by Resmaa Menakem
// Episode 59: The Mother/Father/Parent Wound
// If you’re looking for ways to find deep, genuine connection with other like-minded humans, join me in the Adventure Mastermind – a small group of inclusive, self-identified womyn who get way behind the bullshit and embark on a 6-month adventure together, inward, and outward.
Registration is officially open. So head on over to AdventureMastermind.com and grab your spot now!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
In this week’s Episode, we’re going to jam on how to disagree... because we humans kind of suck at it. I’ll talk about the art of disagreeing, including two great questions you can ask yourself and others when you’re involved in a disagreement. Plus, I’ll get into the importance of staying curious in all of this, and how we can use these tips to help make our interactions with other humans a little more compassionate and kind – which is something we could all use these days.
Resources:// Check out these related episodes:
Episode 2: How to Not Care What Other People Think of You
Episode 16: How to Improve Any Relationship
Episode 19: On Anger
Episode 28: Practical Emptiness
Episode 87: The Problem with Being Right
Episode 107: Equanimity in Everyday Life
// Sherry Turkle’s Ted Talk about social media’s impact on the art of conversation: “Connected But Alone” https://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_connected_but_alone
// If you’re looking for ways to find deep, genuine connection with other like-minded humans, join me in the Adventure Mastermind – a small group of inclusive, self-identified womyn who get way behind the bullshit and embark on a 6-month adventure together, inward, and outward.
Registration is officially open. So head on over to AdventureMastermind.com and grab your spot now!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com
. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This week’s episode is a word of encouragement for those of us who are highly sensitive… and love letter for all they do for us. I’ll open up about my own experiences as a sensitive person and how I’ve learned to love and care for that part of me. Plus we’ll dive into how we can support those who are more sensitive than us, not only for their own good, but for the good of all of us.
Resources:// Episode 152: Sensitivity and Addiction
// Episode 179: Medicine for These Times
// If you’re looking for ways to find deep, genuine connection with other like-minded humans, join me in the Adventure Mastermind – a small group of inclusive, self-identified womyn who get way behind the bullshit and embark on a 6-month adventure together, inward, and outward.
Early-bird registration is officially open. So head on over to AdventureMastermind.com and grab your spot now… plus get in on some seriously sweet early registration bonuses like saving $2k and getting private sessions with Ana!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
In this week’s episode we’ll talk about the medicine we can use for these times of intense suffering in the world. Our planet is literally - and figuratively - on fire, and the current crisis in Israel and Gaza, as well as other parts of the world with ongoing war and displaced peoples and genocide, has heightened this awareness. While our natural instinct might be to harden our hearts, numb out / dissociate, or spiral into a state of hopelessness, this episode dives into what we can do to soften our hearts toward moments of fear and anger so we can stay present with the wholeness of reality, including the achingly beautiful parts. I’ll open up about my recent journey in Oregon and my realizations that an armored heart doesn't protect us like we think it does. Plus, I’ll discuss what we can do to access true internal refuge instead.
Resources:// Episode 83: Vulnerability & Lovingkindness
// Episode 173: A Hidden Superpower of Trauma
// If you’re looking for ways to find deep, genuine connection with other like-minded humans, join me in the Adventure Mastermind - a small group of inclusive, self-identified womyn who get way behind the bullshit and embark on a 6-month adventure together, inward, and outward.
Early-bird registration is officially open. Head on over to AdventureMastermind.com and grab your spot now… plus get in on some seriously sweet early registration bonuses!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
For me, a lot of my adventures and career shifts came while wandering, being open to what the universe showed me and the serendipitous events that arose.
Some of you know I was a climbing guide for a decade, and that would have never crossed my mind as an option I’d come up with thinking about careers in my head! I was on track to get my degree in psychology then go to grad school for my PhD.
But one day, a guy I was teaching a beginner’s rock climbing course with said, “Hey, you should apply to Outward Bound.”
I never thought I could do that, but I applied and got the job. The youngest woman ever hired by that branch at the time. And that led to more jobs. Then, voila! Climbing guide.
Or like when I did an ice climbing clinic in Ouray, Colorado and wandered into a group of women who signed up for a program with a life coach and I was like, what’s that? And I called the coach up and asked where she studied to be a coach and voila! Life coach!
So yeah. Wandering is the shit!
One of the things that I was introduced to during my yearlong apprenticeship with Bill Plotkin and Sage Magdalene is ETCs, or “experiential threshold crossings.”
ETCs are practices for embodying our mythopoetic identity before we’re ready to choose a delivery system for our unique Soul purpose. This could be a career, a practice for creativity, a free offering to your community…
These practices reshape our Ego to be a channel for that identity. They bridge the transcendental experience we had and this future delivery system to embody your Soul as a gift to others.
I’ve found that most of the time we need to get clear through action - get out of our heads and stop thinking that we can think our way to clarity and instead get out there and DO shit to get more clear.
Wander.
The gift of wandering really need to be embraced, because one of the most profound and enriching gifts we can give ourselves is the freedom to explore, question, and navigate the myriad options that shape our purpose.
That word - purpose - carries a lot of weight for many of us. We long for it because until it’s clear, we often feel untethered, searching for direction.
And because modern industrialized society isn’t set up to help us discover it, it’s elusive. It would rather we stay obedient cogs in the corporate wheel. This environment makes seeking our purpose both an inspiring adventure AND a potential source of seep suffering and frustration.
It’s in this kind of labyrinth of choices that I really started to resonate with a quote from poet Ranier Maria Rilke, “Live the question.” Rilke encourages us to embrace the ambiguity and uncertainty of this epic adventure!
When we’re exploring our purpose, it’s essential that we start asking lots of questions - deep ones that do more than just keep us on the surface. And instead of rushing to answers, we want to try to savor the questions themselves, because that is true exploration.
This gives us the gift of curiosity. We learn to view uncertainty and not knowing as an opportunity for growth and discovery.
But here’s the paradox: when we see a bunch of paths to walk down, the pressure to choose one can be overwhelming.
What if, instead of being restricted to a single destiny, we allowed ourselves to explore all the things? What if we took the time to wander and explore?
But there’s resistance to this, right? We sort of judge wandering as purposeless meandering through life. It suggests a lack of direction.
What if we reconsidered wandering as a form of purpose in itself? What if the act of exploring without a predetermined destination held its own value?
This doesn’t mean wandering has to be aimless. It can be more of a dance, be open to what arises, which can often lead us to the unexpected - and surprisingly delightful - discoveries.
As for getting clear about our purpose, it’s good to have a beginner’s mind and be willing to adapt and shift with the skandas of life, the ebb and flow of our evolving purpose. This helps us not get stuck in some box of rigid goals.
It helps us discover the inability to reinvent ourselves and our purpose as new things are revealed to us. It helps us discover our authentic selves.
I found this was - actually, IS - so true for me as I peel away layers of conditioning to discover even more layers of authenticity that lie deeper than I ever imagined. It’s a really cool process.
Another important piece to this is being patient - with both our wandering and our perspective about our purpose. This frees us from comparison and expectation. We also no longer seek to fulfill the dreams of others but to live authentically.
In the end, I’ve found that our purpose unfolds over time, weaving together the threads of our life’s journey. Like what I did always seemed to take some threads from what I did before (and now).
This process gives us permission to evolve, to make mistakes, and to grow. We learn to appreciate the imperfections and detours, recognizing that they are integral to our journey.
Finding a balance between action and patience allows us to navigate our purpose with intention and commitment. We learn to discern when to pause and when to move forward.
So how can we begin to incorporate the wisdom of living the question into our daily lives? I could go on and on about this, but here are some suggestions to start:
Consider shadowing someone in a field you’re interested in.
Plan time to adventure and meet new people and have conversations - you never know what will arise!
Allow quiet time for reflection and insight. Either through daily time or a solo camping trip or even a longer-term program like the Adventure Mastermind.
(Be sure to check out the full Episode for more ways we can “live the question” daily)
No matter what you choose to do, get out there and wander - remember not all who wander are lost! AND if you’re feeling lost, that’s totally cool too because the goal is to live the question and get comfortable with not knowing the answers, right?
You will learn:
// How wandering helps us connect with our Soul Purpose
// Why we should lean in to the unknown
// The truth about the gift of wandering
// How adjusting our expectations can help us receive these gifts
// Ways we can begin to “live the question” in our daily lives
Resources:// Episode 42: Being Multi-Passionate
// Episode 71: How to Find Your Purpose
// Episode 99: Rebel Purpose
// If you want to engage and commit to this path for a longer term experience, visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. (P.S. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!)
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
This week’s episode is about why we fall back into our old ways, even after experiencing potent transformation and growth. We’ll chat on what many types of spiritual regression signifies, why it happens (to ALL of us), and why it’s important we see that it’s a normal part of ANY transformational process. This is essential to help us prevent falling into hopelessness on our path. Plus, I’ll give you some steps we can take to make those moments easier when they happen… because they WILL happen!
You will learn:// Why we regress or fall back whenever we experience any kind of growth
// What regression really signifies and why we should stop fighting it
// Steps we can take BEFORE we revert to help us through the process
// Ways to practice surrendering to the present moment (wu wei).
Resources:// Episode 100: How to Know You’re Making Progress
// Episode 113: The One Thing
// Episode 126: How to Know if Your Making Spiritual Progress
// Episode 175: The Two Wings of Freedom
// If you want to engage and commit to this path for a longer term experience, visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. (P.S. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!)
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
This episode is all about MDMA-assisted couples therapy. We’ll demystify MDMA and how it works on a biochemical level to help us change our ways of thinking. I’ll explain how its therapeutic potential can help us address past traumas that affect our current relationships, and we’ll chat about what the future holds for MDMA-assisted couples therapy. Plus, I’ll go over the most important step to see lasting results.
You will learn:// The three common areas challenged in a relationship, and what happens when any of them breaks down
// The truth about MDMA and its therapeutic potential - in addressing the three areas above, too!
// The importance of using MDMA in the correct context and structure
// How MDMA can help address past traumas that affect our current relationships
// What the future holds for MDMA-assisted couples therapy
// The most important step in MDMA- assisted couples therapy for lasting results
Resources:// Episode 97: Psychedelics and Spiritual Practice
// Episode 153: Psychedelic Exceptionalism
// If you want to dive into this level of healing with a small group of self-identified womyn, having plant medicine retreats in Alaska and Hawaii, adventures in nature and learning more about your mind and your deeper Soul Purpose, visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. (P.S. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!)
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to wisdom and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
In this episode we talk about the two wings of freedom: wisdom and compassion. I’ll explain the importance of cultivating a balance of both, and what can happen when we are practicing one without the other (HINT: often, more harm than good). We will also go over some tips to help us cultivate both wisdom and compassion in our daily lives.
Resources://To cultivate compassion, try this guided Tonglen Meditation audio (30min)
// Episode 28: Practical Emptiness
// Episode 51: Self-compassion
// Episode 106: Empathy vs Compassion
// If you want to dive into this level of healing with a small group of self-identified womyn, having plant medicine retreats in Alaska and Hawaii, adventures in nature, and learning more about your mind and deeper Soul Purpose, visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist and be the first to hear about the next dates and locations and special deals. (P.S. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!)
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and coaching calls, where you can get coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Plus, we have entire months devoted to different wisdom topics and compassion. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
This week, I want to share a story about my mom and me. How I misunderstood her dreams for me… and the joy of lifting an intergenerational burden that wasn’t just mine. How I began to decolonize my mind. I’ll share a recent experience that showed me that I had been secretly feeding into my fears all along, and the moment of realization which helped me break free. Plus I’ll help you begin to change your own mindset from one of fear, unsafety, and unworthiness to one of love, protection, and FREEDOM.
Resources:// You can continue to donate to the Hawai’i Community Foundation that spreads out the funds to different organizations: https://www.hawaiicommunityfoundation.org/
// If you want to dive into this level of healing with a small group of self-identified womyn, having altered states retreats in Alaska and Hawaii, adventures in nature and learning more about your mind and your deeper Soul Purpose, visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. (P.S. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!)
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
This week’s episode is all about the hidden superpowers we can find in our trauma. We’ll talk about our ability to dissociate, and why it’s so critical to our development as children and our ability to survive. I’ll also dive into how our left and right brain communicate and how they can help - or hurt - us in moments of trauma or activation. I’ll give you some good tips on how to heal from our self-alienation and show ourselves more love and compassion.
Resources:// Episode 51: Self-Compassion
// Episode 166: No Bad Parts
// You can continue to donate to the Hawai’i Community Foundation that spreads out the funds to different organizations: https://www.hawaiicommunityfoundation.org/
// Check out more of Janina Fisher’s work with trauma and healing at janinafisher.com
// If you want to dive into this level of healing with a small group of self-identified womyn, having plant medicine retreats in Alaska and Hawaii, adventures in nature and learning more about your mind and your deeper Soul Purpose, visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. (P.S. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!)
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
This episode is all about the myth of there being anything remotely “normal.” We’ll talk about How modern industrialized society has created the concept of “normal” and how that’s hurt the way we view others and ourselves. Plus, I’ll dive into where mental health issues often stem from in the first place (hint: it’s not in our biology), and how changing our mindset can help us begin the healing process as individuals and as a society.
Resources:// Episode 50: When Someone You Love Has a Mental Illness
// Episode 97: Psychedelics and Spiritual Practice
// Learn more about “The Myth of Normal” in Gabor Mate’s book
// If you want to dive into this level of healing with a small group of self-identified womyn, having plant medicine retreats in Alaska and Hawaii, adventures in nature and learning more about your mind and your deeper Soul Purpose, visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. (P.S. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!)
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
This week’s episode is an extra special one, as we talk about how we can help each other during a crisis or disaster AND touch on how we can continue to support and donate to Maui - and what we can do when invited to visit again. We’ll jam on some super practical tools to use when others are processing a recent crisis, and I’ll tell you some things NOT to do.. and why.
Resources:// You can donate to the Hawai’i Community Foundation that spreads out the funds to different organizations: https://www.hawaiicommunityfoundation.org/
// Simone Seol and Melissa Tiers: This is the link to their Maui Fundraiser, where you can receive a replay of the full training I’m referring to here for free if you give. A$5 donation which goes directly to a non-profit on Maui. It also has video so you can see some of these techniques in action.
// Episode 164: Stopping Anxiety in its Tracks - learn additional techniques not reviewed in this podcast
// Introduction to Havening video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmrvGEJuCxY
// The Worst is Over: What to say when every moment counts (book)
// Mālama programs (there are many more that what’s covered here!)
This week’s episode is all about, as Langston Hughes said, “What happens to a dream deferred?” We’ll jam on what happens when we push our dreams off, and why a lot of us don’t even try to dream in the first place. Plus I’ll give you some insight into how we can allow ourselves to believe in our dreams and overcome our oppressive thought patterns.
// This episode was released in the aftermath of the Maui wildfires. Hawai’i has been a life-saving, healing place for me and many of my clients. I donated to the Council for Native Hawaiian Advancement - Kako’o Maui Fund donation match campaign, and invite you to do the same: https://www.hawaiiancouncil.org/
// Episode 38: How to Manifest Your Ideal life
// Episode 39: The 4-Step Visualization Technique for Any Situation
// Episode 140: So What?
// If you’re ready to unpack all the ways your life experiences thus far have kept you from dreaming, from true happiness, from believing that you deserve it and can create it, get on the waitlist for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind, where we remove unhelpful patterns using wilderness, adventure, plant medicine, mindfulness, and more.
Early registration opens soon! Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. (P.S. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!)
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
In this week’s episode, we’re going to continue our talk on betrayal and dive into what to do when others betray us. I’ll talk about why we feel betrayed in the first place, and what the antidote to any betrayal is.
Resources:// Episode 16: How to Improve Any Relationship
// Episode 51: Self-Compassion
// Episode 168: When We Betray Ourselves
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Early registration opens soon! Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
In this episode, we’re diving into the root cause of why we commit the greatest betrayal - when we betray ourselves. We’ll jam on how people pleasing and imposter syndrome can develop in us in the first place and talk about how we can tell when we’re being inauthentic. Plus, I’ll give you one practice you can do to bring yourself back into a place of clarity and trust.
Resources:// Episode 11: How to Stop People Pleasing
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
In this episode, we’re going to talk about the 4 boundless qualities in Buddhism, and how to spot their near (and far) enemies, which can subtly take us away from our integrity and our path. We’ll also look at ways we can discover and address the near enemies in our own lives.
Resources:// Episode 43: Jealousy and Sympathetic Joy
// Episode 83: Vulnerability & Lovingkindness
// Episode 106: Empathy vs Compassion
// Episode 107: Equanimity in Everyday Life
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
On this episode of the Rebel Buddhist Podcast, we talk about the Internal Family Systems Model of Richard Schwartz, and how it helps us integrate the various parts of ourselves - especially the more challenging aspects of ourselves that we may have been trying to ignore. I’ll show you some exercises we can do to help learn about your parts, and begin to heal our wounded self, and we’ll touch on the importance of self-compassion as we do this courageous work.
Resources:// No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz
// Episode 51: Self-Compassion
// Episode 82: How to Live in Polarity
// Your Wild Mind Series: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
// Episode 161: Healing vs Curing
This episode is all about how to do relationships YOUR way. A lot of the time, we compare our relationships with others to how we’ve been taught they “should” be, instead of considering what we truly want. This week I give you full permission to design your relationships how YOU want… as long as it’s aligned with what you want and your rebel purpose.
Resources:// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
On this week’s episode, we jam on anxiety: why we get anxious in the first place, how it can affect our brains, and the power we all have to rewire those neurons to reduce anxiety altogether. Plus, I’ll share 3 of my fave techniques to help stop anxiety in its tracks when it does arise.
Resources:// Episode 58: How to Manage Anxiety
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
Did you know that adventures - big or small - help rewire our brains? In this episode we talk about the ways doing adventure our own unique way can help bring more resilience and joy to our lives.
From climbing mountains to take a new route to work, adventures of all sorts help make us happier humans. Listen to her some ideas for ways you can bring adventure to your own life - everyday.
Resources:// For the geeks, you can check out the 2011 study by Ben Fletcher here.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
This week’s episode is all about three key teachings I learned from Ram Dass… without having even read any of his books. ;) We’ll jam on the three lessons that have meant the most to me, and how we can all find a little more time, acceptance, and kindness for all beings… no matter how we’ve suffered.
Resources:// Episode 128: Bearing Witness - Who Did You Tell
// “Walking Each Other Home” Elephant Journal Article
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
Often my mental health patients or Adventure Mastermind clients will ask me if they can be cured of their depression, anxiety, or complex emotional experiences.
I’ve also noticed that many of us use “healing” and “curing” interchangeably, which doesn’t really work since they’re actually quite different.
Remember, not everyone has the option to cure whatever dis-ease or ailment they have. So, it’s important to not just live for a future cure, but to also be fully present with the healing that’s possible right now in the present moment.
If there is no cure immediately available to us, if we accept what is, what does healing look for us? For you?
Do you find resistance there? Why? What beliefs could be holding us back from healing while we also look for new possibilities for cures as well?
You will learn:// The difference between healing and curing
// How healing and curing can be used together
// Why defining healing or curing is difficult with mental health conditions
// How to be present with the healing that’s possible right now
Resources:// Episode 82: How to Live in Polarity
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
This week’s special replay is about how to figure out what freedom means for YOU and how that can help us live a more meaningful and fulfilled life.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:// How to figure out what ‘freedom’ means to you – and how to design a truly rich life, right now
// What the many different levels of freedom can look like – and how to choose where you want to be
// Why my parents realized that giving me options – the freedom of choice – was the best gift they could have ever given me
// How my time as a climbing guide helped me understand why there is “a leisure class at both ends of the social spectrum” – and how to make the most of the time you have
// Why learning to define your freedom is 100% crucial to creating the life you want and deserve
// Go to claritycouragecourse.com and get my Clarity + Courage course now – FREE for a limited time only!
// Check out some of my past blog posts for more of this Jedi juice:
Living in Alignment
True Freedom is a Feeling
The Truth about Freedom: 3 Common Mistakes People Make
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
This week’s episode is about how we can improve any relationship in our lives. We’ll begin to understand our own expectations and learn how to manage our minds so we can stop trying to control others to help us feel better. Plus, we’ll be talking about how to turn love and compassion inward to help us meet our own needs.
Resources:// Want to know more about how to create boundaries like a Buddha? Grab this free training on how to set boundaries that actually work – and how to do this from a place of kindness.
// Episode 74: How to Set Healthy Boundaries
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
In this episode we will talk about why people make the choices they do, and how we can learn to move away from judgment and towards curiosity to show them - and ourselves - a bit more compassion and love. We’ll explore giving the benefit of the doubt in tough situations, and how that leads to less suffering for all of us.
Resources:// Episode 51: Self-Compassion
// Episode 128: Bearing Witness - Who did you tell?
// This American Life episode: Switched at Birth
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
In this Episode, we talk about Old Souls - the qualities they hold, how they form relationships, and their approach to spirituality. We’ll also dive into some of the pitfalls, like loneliness, and the shadows of elitism and nihilism, and how to address these to feel alive and connected in this life - even as an Old Soul.
Resources:// Episode 107: Growth and Equanimity in Everyday Life
// Loner Wolf website with Alethia Luna and Mateo Sol - a great resource for soul exploration with great tool and blogposts
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
In this episode, we talk about why it’s important to notice when we’re not suffering as part of our practice. We also discuss savoring - what it is, and how it can lead to more pleasure as well as resilience during stressful moments in our lives. We’ll discuss how we can make savoring easier to practice and give some tips and ideas to help you create your own regular savoring practice.
Resources:// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
This episode is about the importance of pausing to stop and look at the world around us so we can see the tiny miracles that exist in our lives. We also dive into connecting with nature around us and how it can help us heal - especially if we’re lonely. We’ll talk about how to practice mindfulness in action and ways we can begin to find magic in our daily lives.
Resources:// Episode 31: Why We Need to Adventure
// Episode 96: Unplugging in an Uncertain World
// Episode 134: What You’re Meant to BE
// Episode 135: Reclaiming Parts of Ourselves
// Episode 139: Nature and Reconnecting
// If you’re curious about nature journaling and art, check these out:
// Listen to Dave’s story here
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
This week’s episode is on how to step off the cushion and into the world, interweaving our spirituality with activism. We’ll be exploring compassion in action and how to take our practice from our internal work out into the world. Because our world IS what we are. It’s living through ALL of us.
Resources:// Episode 4: Anti-Racism + Radical Mindfulness
// Episode 5: Try Allyship and the Willingness to Be Uncomfortable
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
This week we talk about the idea of “psychedelic exceptionalism” - what it means, how it’s affecting the War on Drugs, and even whether we should be concerned about it at all.
Resources:// Episode 52: How to Live in Polarity
// Episode 97: Psychedelics and Spiritual Practice
// Episode 122: Come See for Yourself - Ehipassiko
// Episode 152: Sensitivity and Addiction
// Harvard Law’s Bill of Health, “The Myth of Psychedelic Exceptionalism.”
// Interview in Psychedelics Today: “Psychedelic Exceptionalism and Reframing Drug Narratives: An Interview with Dr. Carl Hart”
// NPR Interview: “'Drug Use For Grown-Ups' Serves As An Argument For Personal Choice”
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
In this episode, we talk about sensitivity and its relationship to addiction. We’ll also look at how we can begin to heal ourselves and build resilience as sensitive people in a world that can feel very overwhelming.
Resources:// Episode 2: How to Not Care WHat Other People Think About You
// Episode 13: How to Quit Buffering
// Episode 15: How to Drink Less
// Episode 144: Your Wild Mind - The East and Our Need to Escape
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
This episode is all about being a leader in this world and our own lives every day. It’s about entering the room and turning the vibe into what you see would be the most skillful at the time - instead of automatically letting that vibe affect and change you, which is more reactionary. Sort of like the difference between a thermostat – which regulates the environment – vs a thermometer, which reacts to the environment.
Resources:// Episode 44: The Power of the Pause
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support and getting coached by yours truly? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
// Want to join me for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind? Visit AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist to be the first to hear about the next dates and locations. If you’ve already done the mastermind, stay tuned for a special alumni retreat. We’ll pick up right where we left off and dive even deeper!
This episode is all about triggers and resilience. We’ll jam on how and why we become triggered in the first place, and how to use mindfulness practices and cultivate resilience to help take our power back.
Resources:// Episode 145: Your Wild Mind - The West & Our Shadows
// Episode 146: Suffering vs Trauma
// Rayya Elias & Elizabeth Gilbert: “Sex, Drugs & Hair”
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
This episode is all about how to use your dreams for Soulwork. We’ll talk about dreamwork in general, and how we can use our dreams to help us on our spiritual path as well. Plus I’ll give you some tips and questions to help you get started in your dreamwork TONIGHT.
Resources:// Episode 145: Your Wild Mind – The West and Our Shadows
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
This week’s topic is about looking at the power of deep intention and WTF it even means, ways that we can strengthen our intention, and also address some of the confusion that comes up around it.
Resources:// Episode 93: Wake the F*ck Up
// Check out my free 7-day Clarity + Courage Training to help you finally get clear about what you want and how to get it!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
In this week’s episode, we talk about the inevitability of change, and the importance of not resisting it. Plus, we will jam on the type of wisdom we can cultivate to have our freedom untouched by change.
Resources:// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
Today we talk about suffering and trauma - what each one is, and how they differ. We’ll also dive into the 4 aspects of trauma that you won’t find in other types of suffering and discuss how we can be a little more patient and compassionate with ourselves - and others - in moments of pain.
In this episode, you’ll learn:// 4 characteristics of trauma you won’t see in other types of suffering
// How trauma can relate to ADD / ADHD-type symptoms
// Is trauma simply a part of the 4 Noble Truths?
// Why it’s important to not misuse the word trauma
Resources:// Episode 60: How to Avoid Unnecessary Suffering
// Episode 63: Being Human is Hard - the First Noble Truth
// Episode 143: Your Wild Mind - the North + Protectors
// The Myth of Normal, by Gabore Mate
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
This week we’re talking about another facet of our Wild Mind: the West and our Shadows.
What you’ll learn:// How the mystery and sweet darkness of the West facet can add richness to our lives
// How, and why, modern industrialized society actively represses the qualities of the West facet, like our capacity for imagination
// Our Shadows, why they develop, and how they keep us from growth and sharing our gifts with others
// The dangers of Shadow work
// How can we identify our Shadows (when by definition we’re unconscious of them) and get curious about their hidden gifts
Resources:// Episode 105 - Soul vs Spirit
// Episode 142: Your Wild Mind - The North + Protectors
// Episode 143: Your Wild Mind - The South + Wounded Children
// Episode 144: Your Wild Mind - The East + Our Need to Escape
// Wild Mind, by Bill Plotkin
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Cultivating our connection to our true selves and finding wholeness within us and in nature is a key part of the Adventure Mastermind. If you want to dive into this work in this container, learn more and apply at AdventureMastermind.com. There’s ONE SPOT LEFT, and our first retreat is in March!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
This week we’re continuing our Wild Mind series by talking about the facets of the Eastern Self and how we can embody each piece in true integrity and wholeness. Plus we’ll talk about what happens when we are out of balance and begin to buffer and escape… and how we can fix those habits and trade them for healing ones.
Resources:// Episode 82: How to Live in Polarity
// Episode 142: Your Wild Mind – The North + Protectors
// Episode 143: Your Wild Mind - The South + Wounded Children
// Wild Mind, by Bill Plotkin
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Cultivating our connection to our true selves and finding wholeness within us and in nature is a key part of the Adventure Mastermind. If you want to dive into this work in this container, learn more and apply at AdventureMastermind.com. There’s ONE SPOT LEFT, and our next cohort starts at the end of February!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
In this episode, we’re continuing our Wild Mind series and diving into the sensuous, embodied, and emotive energy of the South. I explore how the South helps us tap into our authentic, wild, animal knowing of who we are and why we are here, and the deep knowing of our belonging on this planet. I also introduce the subpersonalities of the South - our Wounded Children, which often have us in a place of emotional reactivity, fear of being abandoned, and disconnected from our authentic self. I’ll also give you some practical ways we can integrate the qualities of the South through simple practices and reflections.
Resources:// Episode 128: Bearing Witness - Who Did You Tell?
// Episode 135: Reclaiming Parts of Ourselves
// Episode 142: Your Wild Mind - The North + Protectors
// Wild Mind, by Bill Plotkin
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Cultivating our connection to our true selves and finding wholeness within us and in nature is a key part of the Adventure Mastermind. If you want to dive into this work in this container, learn more and apply at AdventureMastermind.com. There’s ONE SPOT LEFT, and our next cohort starts at the end of February!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
This week, I’m going to be referencing one of my fave models of the human psyche, proposed by Bill Plotkin. It’s really good medicine for many of the individual and societal challenges we are undergoing.
Resources:// Episode 68: Integrity - Living Your Truth
// Episode 82: How to Live in Polarity
// Episode 139: Nature and Reconnecting
// Wild Mind, by Bill Plotkin
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Cultivating our connection to our true selves and finding wholeness within us and in nature is a key part of the Adventure Mastermind. If you want to dive into this work in this container, learn more and apply at AdventureMastermind.com. There’s ONE SPOT LEFT, and our next cohort starts at the end of February!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
This week’s episode is all about the gift of paradox and the problems that can arise with black-and-white thinking. We’ll chat about how living in polarity IS living in wholeness and integrity, plus I’ll give you one practice to explore how we can embrace all parts of us.
Resources:// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
In this episode, we talk about the super helpful self-coaching question, “So what?” and how we can use it to see how our mind works and free ourselves from unnecessary suffering, rewriting our stories to ones that better serve us.
Resources:// Episode 2: How to Not Care What People Think About You
// Episode 14: Cognitive Dissonance + How to Create New Beliefs
// Episode 60: How to Avoid Unnecessary Suffering
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
In this episode, we talk about how nature helps us reconnect to our WHOLE selves, our Soul purpose, and to our communities. Plus, we discuss where modern industrialized society often falls short, or even intentionally blocks us, from connecting with our purpose and Soul.
Resources:// Episode 71: How to Find Your Purpose
// Episode 96: Unplugging in an Uncertain World
// Episode 105: Soul vs Spirit
// Episode 134: What You’re Meant to BE
// Wild Mind, a book by Bill Plotkin about exploring nature and the human psyche
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
// Cultivating our connection to nature and therefore our true selves is a key part of the Adventure Mastermind. If you want to dive into this work in this container, learn more and apply at AdventureMastermind.com. Our next cohort starts at the end of February!
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there!
This week is all about how to not hurry towards our goals… because especially when it comes to the new year, we get so much BS pressure to “be better versions of ourselves” and we forget that beautiful truth that hey, actually, you’re perfect just as you already are.
Goals that we intentionally set are not supposed to take the joy out of life.
They are to invigorate us and keep us inspired...
...But not in the way a corporation wants to make more and more and more profits each year.
Rather, in the way a gardener tends their plots to produce more because the plants are happier and healthier.
Deep down we know that none of that sh*t really matters, and you are actually whole and worthy right here right now, even if you didn’t accomplish one single f*cking thing more.
What’s crazy – and delightful - is as we detach our worthiness from our goals, we have more freedom and creativity available to us…and often more success as a result.
This is why decreasing attachment to our goals is the best way to enter into the new year.
WTF?? Yes, it’s true! A lot of clients ask me, “Isn't the point of goals to be attached to the outcome, so getting there sooner is better than later?”
Nope.
Listen to this week’s Greatest Hits episode to learn how to apply this concept and ENJOY your dreams and aspirations (+ goals)!
Resources:Follow these influencers for not hustling as you hit your goals:
Business coaches:// Susan Hyatt
Instagram account:Books:// Rest by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang
// Burnout by Amelia & Emily Nagoski
// If you want to deeply dive into this work immersed in nature on retreats and with a small group of like-minded seekers connecting regularly throughout your journey, apply for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind at AdventureMastermind.com It’s unlike any program you will ever do in your life. Ever.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life, and where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more. It’s also where you can connect over all things freedom with other wanderers, just like you and me. It’s my favorite place to hang on the interweb, and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
We’ve arrived at the final few days of the year, and how we participate in this transition will set the tone for the next one to come. If we want to be active creators of our own life instead of passive observers of our life (letting things happen TO us), it’s important to get clear and move, think, and feel with intention.
Resources:// Check out Episode 32 – How to Review Your Year
// Check out Episode 33 – Living in Alignment
// Download the A Year in Review worksheet here
// If you want to deeply dive into this work immersed in nature on retreats and with a small group of like-minded seekers connecting regularly throughout your journey, apply for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind at AdventureMastermind.com It’s unlike any program you will ever do in your life. Ever.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life, and where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more. It’s also where you can connect over all things freedom with other wanderers, just like you and me. It’s my favorite place to hang on the interweb, and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This week we talk about why we feel obligated to finish everything we start - even if we’re miserable in it. Careers, relationships, even small things like movies and a bad meal. Often it;s becasue we think changing our minds equals failure or some sort, but there are many others I’ll cover in this episode. I also share how we can make every choice worth it… even when that means walking away from something we’ve put a lot of time, money, and energy into.
Resources:// Episode 8: How to Get Clear About What You Want
// Episode 66: How to Fail Perfectly
// Episode 121: Clarity Is a Decision
// If you want to deeply dive into this work immersed in nature on retreats and with a small group of like-minded seekers connecting regularly throughout your journey, apply for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind at AdventureMastermind.com It’s unlike any program you will ever do in your life. Ever.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life, and where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more. It’s also where you can connect over all things freedom with other wanderers, just like you and me. It’s my favorite place to hang on the interweb, and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday at 10:30am PST as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
In this episode, I talk about what happens when someone’s passion is dampened or shamed, and how as a result, we can lose our connection to our true selves - to the beautifully complex being we all are. We also dive into what we can do to reclaim that piece of our soul.
Resources:// Episode 134: What You’re Meant to Be
// If you want to deeply dive into this work immersed in nature on retreats and with a small group of like-minded seekers connecting regularly throughout your journey, apply for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind at AdventureMastermind.com It’s unlike any program you will ever do in your life. Ever.
// Want something more self-paced with access to weekly group support? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life, and where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more. It’s also where you can connect over all things freedom with other wanderers, just like you and me. It’s my favorite place to hang on the interweb, and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
In this episode, we talk about what you’re really meant to BE (not DO). Your Soul Purpose is beyond any confines of a career, or a type of work. It is woven into your being in a way unique to your life. You’ll also learn some helpful questions and reflections that can help if you’re not sure what gifts you’re meant to bring to the world.
Resources:// Want to take things to the next level in a 6-month immersion program? Apply at AdventureMastermind.com. Enter into the adventure of your life in a container where you’ll feel safe enough to explore your true self with altered states and adventures during this one precious life we have. We only take a small group of people every cohort, so apply now! There will only be ONE cohort in 2023 – the time is now.
// Episode 71: How to Find Your Purpose
// Episode 99: Rebel Purpose
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist private group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live with new inspiration and topics.
This week we’re diving into how radical responsibility can help us get unstuck in a relationship with an unhealthy dynamic. Plus, we jam on how to handle those moments of activation and whether it's ever really too late to try and fix things.
Resources:// Episode 14: Cognitive Dissonance + How to Create New Beliefs
// Episode 132: Red Flags in Relationships
// Grab my free training on how to set boundaries that actually work – and how to do this from a place of kindness and compassion. www.BoundariesTraining.com
// Want to do a deep dive into this work on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
// Want to take things to the next level in a 6-month immersion program? Apply at AdventureMastermind.com Enter into the adventure of your life in a container where you’ll feel safe enough to explore your true self with altered states and adventures during this one precious life we have. We only take a small group of people every cohort, so apply now! There will only be ONE cohort in 2023 – the time is now.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
This week’s episode is all about “red flags” in our relationships. We’ll jam on what to do when we notice a red flag, what happens when we choose to ignore a red flag… and why we even choose to ignore them in the first place.
Resources:// How to Not Lose Yourself in a Relationship:
Part 1 - Episode 79
Part 2 - Episode 80
// Episode 74: How to Set Healthy Boundaries like a Buddha
// Grab my free training on how to set boundaries that actually work – and how to do this from a place of kindness and compassion. www.BoundariesTraining.com
// Want to do a deep dive into this work on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
// Want to take things to the next level in a 6-month immersion program? Apply at AdventureMastermind.com Enter into the adventure of your life in a container where you’ll feel safe enough to explore your true self with altered states and adventures during this one precious life we have. We only take a small group of people every cohort, so apply now!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
This week’s episode is about a second pillar of happiness, gratitude. We frame it in a different way than you may have heard before - within the fundamentals of the foundation of mindfulness and impermanence, even in the context of grief or conflict.
Resources:// Episode 34: How to Forgive
// Episode 51: Self-Compassion
// Episode 83: Vulnerability & Lovingkindness
// Episode 107: Equanimity in Everyday Life
// Episode 114: Renunciation & The Joy of Simplicity
// Episode 130: Generosity - Pillars of Happiness, Part 1
// Want to do a deep dive into this work on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
// Want to take things to the next level in a 6-month immersion program? Apply at AdventureMastermind.com Enter into the adventure of your life in a container where you’ll feel safe enough to explore your true self with altered states and adventures during this one precious life we have. We only take a small group of people every cohort, so apply now!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
Welcome to the first of a two-part conversation about essential pillars of happiness that are often glossed over as sort of “spiritual practice 101.” This week we’re going to talk about generosity, and why it’s so important to us feeling content, and even joy. Plus, we’ll look at some ways we can practice generosity in our everyday lives.
Resources:// Want to do a deep dive into this work on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
// Want to take things to the next level in a 6-month immersion program? Apply at AdventureMastermind.com Enter into the adventure of your life in a container where you’ll feel safe enough to explore your true self with altered states and adventures during this one precious life we have. We only take a small group of people every cohort, so apply now!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
This week’s podcast episode is about how we can address the needs that weren’t met by our caretakers when we were children so that we stop trying to get other people - like our partners/friends/family – to meet them for us. We chat about how we can create a reality where those needs are met by ourselves through reparenting, without resentment. Plus, I explain why it’s important for us to rely on ourselves to meet those needs instead of other people (even though it would be oh-so-sweet if that happened;).
Resources:// Checkout my linktree for free trainings about some skills that may not have been modeled or taught to us
// Episode 62: Commitment and How to Take Massive Action
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
// Want to take things to the next level in a 6-month immersion program? Apply at AdventureMastermind.com Enter into the adventure of your life in a container where you’ll feel safe enough to explore your true self with altered states and adventures during this one precious life we have. The early bird bonuses end in less than a week, so apply now!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
Peter Levine said, “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” Bearing witness and being witnessed is what we talk about today.
We’ll explore why it matters who acknowledged our suffering and/or who we told - and why the answer is usually, “No one.” We also dive into the importance of having (and being) an empathetic witness when healing from trauma - and healing our communities.
Resources:// Early registration is open for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind at AdventureMastermind.com ! Enter into the adventure of your life in a container where you’ll feel safe enough to explore your true self with entheogens and adventures during this one precious life we have. The early bird bonuses end in less than a week, so apply now!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
In this week’s episode, we talk about what a keystone habit is and how we all can benefit from one. Keystone habits can lead to improving other habits in completely different areas of our life, which also leads to big changes in our self-concept and identity as we become the person we want to be, fully and authentically. We go over 4 steps to creating healthy keystone habits and why finding peer support can help us manifest the best version of themselves (as long as they don’t stick us in the same old box!).
Resources:// The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
// Simon Sinek Ted Talk, Discover Your Why
// Episode 15: How to Drink Less
// Early registration is open for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind at AdventureMastermind.com . Enter into the adventure of your life in a container where you’ll feel safe enough to explore your true self with entheogens and adventures during this one precious life we have
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
We often focus too much on our imperfections instead of the progress we are making. This happens for a lot of reasons that I go into on the pod, but also has to do with the fact that we often ignore the more subtle - yet important- parts of our progress. Listen to learn over 10 ways we can see our own growth in our physical, emotional, and spiritual lives. Plus find out why discernment is such a key part in continuing our path and learn how our progress can help us face future suffering and leave what no longer serves us behind.
Resources:// Check out Episode 100 : This discussed how we can watch for the frequency, intentity and duration or our reactive mind
// Listen to Episode 106: Empathy vs Compassion
// Early registration is open for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind at AdventureMastermind.com . Enter into the adventure of your life in a container where you’ll feel safe enough to explore your true self with entheogens and adventures during this one precious life we have.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
This week we talk about the importance of showing up authentically in relationships… even when we are afraid the other person won’t accept us for who we are. I’ll share my own story about how my husband and I could have ended it… and how my choice to speak and act wisely changed the course of our relationship and our parenting forever (and for good)!
P.S. Be sure to grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
Resources:// Early registration is open for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind at AdventureMastermind.com . Enter into the adventure of your life in a container where you’ll feel safe enough to explore your true self during this one precious life we have.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
This week, we explore the question of “Who Am I?” and how that relates to being a medicine of sorts for the epidemic of loneliness we are experiencing in society. I’ll talk about how the exploration of awareness can help us define our own identity and how to find a balance between ourselves and the bigger picture of existence… plus I give you some practices you can take to help you step back when we get hooked by a story that our “small sense of self” creates..
P.S. Be sure to grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and can tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
Resources:// Check out dharmaseed.org for more meditations and practices like the Big Sky meditation
// Early registration is open for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind at AdventureMastermind.com . Enter into the adventure of your life in a container where you’ll feel safe enough to explore your true self during this one precious life we have.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
This week, I share some thoughts on creating emotional safety, which is essential for our growth and healing. Tune in to learn why truth is important for our healing and why an internal environment of safety is just as crucial as an external one. Plus, I’ll give you the two main ingredients for optimal healing, and discuss what happens when either or both is not properly aligned.
P.S. Be sure to grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
Resources:// Episode 18: How to Coach Yourself
// Episode 51: Self-Compassion
// Episode 73: How to Be Your Own Guru
// Self-compassion.org by Kristen Neff
// Early registration is open for the next cohort of the Adventure Mastermind at AdventureMastermind.com . Enter into the adventure of your life in a container where you’ll feel safe enough to explore during this one precious life we have.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
The reason I called this podcast Rebel Buddhist is because it’s meant to encourage one’s own inquiry into the teachings and to not just accept things on blind faith or without deep inquiry into the teachings; to encourage questioning and for people to have different experiences of that exploration and that it is OK.
In this Episode we talk about:
// WTF it means to “live the question”
// Why “seeing for ourselves” is key to prevent, and protecting against, oppression (and gaslighting)
// How to balance investigative inquiry and healthy doubt with faith
// When doubt isn’t useful and unproductive - and essential
// How we can use “seeing for ourselves” to not judge others
In this episode, I talk about the idea that clarity is some passive “aha” moment that just falls into our lap, when in reality, clarity is an active decision that we must all make. Listen to find out why we all need clarity, and what you can do when you think you’ve found clarity, but suddenly, good ol’ doubt starts to creep back in.
P.S. Be sure to grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
I was thinking how maybe like 5 years ago, I would have done the damn episode, thinking I had more of an obligation to crank one out that spend time with my kid, or to try and sleep, because it was “work” and I was the primary breadwinner, so no excuses in order to provide.
I’m really grateful that now I have so much more clarity about how to prioritize my life, but whew…being raised by an immigrant Filipinx mama who sacrificed so much for me makes choosing self care and small precious moments hard to choose over work sometimes
In This Episode You’ll Learn:// How to stop avoiding thinking about death – and how to instead acknowledge what facing it can teach you about living now
// A few ways to shift your mindset about impermanence + use it to mentally reframe your own narrative
// About one of my biggest regrets in life and some life-altering decisions I made along the way – how they pushed me to create the life I wanted and live in integrity
// Why your fear of death is actually your deeper fear that you have not lived your truest life (Steve Chandler)
// How to stop putting off the things that make us happy for ‘another time’ and start living fully now
// Why we must recognize the preciousness of human life in order to take real action toward making the most of the time we have
Resources// Join the waitlist for the Adventure Mastermind at AdventureMastermind.com and save the dates for the first retreat of the next round, sometime the week of March 25th in Baja, Mexico. Get clear about your unique Soul purpose and how to create a life that supports it during this one precious life we have.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose?
– the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out
Today we talk about how to write your personal manifesto and why it’s worth doing.
In this episode you’ll learn:// Why you should bother writing a manifesto
// How to use a manifesto when you’re not motivated to do what you need to do
// Three questions that make writing one easy
// Something you can do today, right now, to get started
Resources:// Grab a copy fof the Rebel Buddhist Manifesto here
// Ep. 7: Know Your Values - The Rebel Buddhist Manifesto
// We recommend you use Canva for templates to use to make yours beautiful!
I’ve noticed that when I am aligned and mindful, I show up more often as the person I want to be. So that’s why I meditate when I don't feel like it, or when it feels like the last thing I have time for is to sit on my ass on my cushion.
What is devotion and where does it come from? And how can we use it when we aren’t religious?
Devotion can be a really loaded word for a lot of people and isn’t used a lot in the West. For me, devotion used to have a very heavy weight to it for me. Like it was a forced thing. A required thing. A burden.
We can look at it like a deep commitment, but even deeper than that, it’s a commitment to what we really love.
// Join the waitlist for the Adventure Mastermind at AdventureMastermind.com and save the dates for the first retreat of the next round, sometime the week of March 25th in Baja, Mexico. Get clear about your unique Soul purpose and how to create a life that supports it during this one precious life we have.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out
This week, I’m revisiting one of my favorite topics: Psychedelics & Spiritual Practice. I’ve used psychedelics in clinical settings and have found them to have a unique place in the treatment of mental health disorders. But I’m personally very interested in their use for spiritual purposes. Especially because, in my own clinical experience, many mental health issues have a strong root in spiritual and existential challenges.
When we really look at the intention for spiritual practice or use of psychedelics, Buddhism and psychedelics share something in common: finding that which frees the mind. And there are endless studies that prove that this may just be possible!
Listen to the full episode to learn how psychedelics can be used to benefit spiritual practice without relying on them for an escape or a temporary high. Plus learn the key to locking in those positive effects long-term.
* Be sure to grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
In this episode, we talk about rites of passage: not just how we can celebrate external and internal moments of growth and maturation, but also how to overcome society’s biggest challenges we face as we grow towards our Soul Purpose.
Contrary to popular belief, psychological adolescence isn’t just confined to our teen years, and soul development isn‘t about age, or even external accomplishments. True psychological adulthood can’t be meaningfully defined as what happens in our 20s or what degrees we have or our jobs or our pay.
It's about ziji, authenticity - knowing who we really are — to know where we stand, what we value, what we desire, what we tolerate and what we don’t — and to be able and willing to act accordingly, most of the time, despite the social risks. This takes a minute.
Listen to learn: The 3 phases in a rite of passage; how to overcome society’s challenges to discovering our Soul Purpose; how to step into true adulthood, and more.
* Be sure to grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
If you’re like me, after you finished college, you found moments in your life when your friendships with others changed. Maybe you wanted to grow and evolve spiritually, and they did too. But you’ve also probably walked away from friendships that, for one reason or another, no longer served you.
Some could see moments like this as a positive change, but for many of us, it can be really lonely… even before the isolation of the pandemic. And we’re like, “How the heck do we do that, again?”
I hate to break it to those of you who want shiz to happen spontaneously, but the key is to take some initiative. And maybe even (gasp) plan!
Another reason why people have a hard time making friends later in life is because of the stigma attached to putting yourself out there after a certain age. It’s also key to get over our initial shyness and actually ask for new people’s contact info.
Making new friends requires the same thing that most worthwhile things in life do - taking risks, being uncomfortable, letting go of what other people think of us, and cultivating the belief that we’re 100% worthy and lovable as we are - perfectly imperfect.
The assumption that accumulating things (homes, land, power, cars, the “right” body) leads to more happiness causes a lot of resistance to living simply in Western culture.
Ajahn Succito said, “wise renunciation goes against the current of gain.” So, if we really want freedom from the suffering that the mind creates, we have to be prepared to challenge the assumptions of gain and loss. We do that in this episode.
Renunciation about cultivating the intention to loosen our attachment and grasping, not just to material things and sensory pleasures, but also to self-obsession and unhelpful emotions, too. It’s about realizing that holding onto anything that’s impermanent only brings us suffering.
There’s nothing wrong with wealth itself. It’s the grasping at it that causes suffering - and the feeling that there is something missing when we don’t have it that creates suffering.
To genuinely develop renunciation, we need to go into the mind and heart. Meditation is a key tool for this because it is where an authentic, sustainable happiness can be found. To have a resource like this within us already is an important inner source of wealth and abundance.
Another part of renunciation is being able to discern our wants from our needs. If we investigate this, we’ll often find that our needs are actually quite simple. On the other hand, our list of wants is never ending.
The deep question we can ask ourselves is, “Does this possess me?” Letting go of that - of feeling we are lacking - IS central to our liberation.
What’s one thing you can commit to renouncing today? A grudge? A partner or colleague’s annoying habit? What possesses you? No judgment… just awareness, and a gentle invitation to let go.
P.S. If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
One of the common themes I see with my coaching clients is a need/want to get so much done, but not knowing where to start.
The to-do list and project ideas are endless and it all seems really important. And the really annoying part is that when we look at the lists and get overwhelmed, we end up doing nothing instead. The secret is that it’s NOT all as important as it might seem.
So how do we narrow down that list and figure out what ACTUALLY needs to get done?
First, identify your big goals. Next, take a look at your to-do list and ask yourself, “What’s the ONE thing I have to do today to keep moving me toward my goals?” The same can be applied for any part of your life. What’s the ONE thing that really matters to you today?
P.S. If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
This week, I’m hard at work studying for my post-doctorate certification from my amazing condo in Hawaii. But trust me… even though I feel like I’m livin’ the life on a tiny piece of paradise, the current events in the world and here in the U.S. are fresh in my mind. Especially since the beginning of the week was July 4th… a day that is supposed to represent freedom and equality.
Anyway, all of this has inspired me to bring back one of my Greatest Hits about massive action vs passive action and how that all relates to commitment… because if you’re like me, you’re definitely wondering how the heck you can take rebellious action to help those who are being oppressed and yourself.
First, a few brief definitions – massive action is keeping on taking action until you achieve your goal. No matter what. And massive action also produces a result – it’s not just thinking about something, for example.
With passive action, you’re doing something but not creating a result. So, you might be reading or learning or studying – which feels really good. It’s like you’re doing something, but not in a massive action sense because you haven’t created a result.
So another way to compare the two is massive action is creating and passive action is consuming…taking IN information, or consuming your own thoughts about something (aka “thinking” about it).
As some of you know, I used to be an international climbing guide, taking people up mountains in the Himalayas and all over the world – actually climbing not just hiking.
When you’re going up a mountain, massive action is relatively easy to take, because the circumstances sort of force you to do it. For example, you have to get to the top, because the descent starts there and to retreat from where you are would be totally unsafe or take four times as long. So even though you’re scared, or your knees are bleeding and bruised, or you can’t feel your hands, feet, or your face because it’s so cold, you keep going.
But even in that scenario, our mindset plays a huge role.
You know what my climbing partners would say about me? I love climbing with you because you know how to suffer. Translation: when it comes to climbing, I know how to do hard things. Without whining or wondering why it’s happening the whole time. With climbing, I don’t get lost in how hard things are. I know these things are a PART of climbing, a part of achieving the goal. I just see what has to happen and I do it. I know the suffering is usually worth it (well, those are the thoughts I have about it).
On a climb, I’m committed, and the end being in sight – or the consequences of not making it being clear – make committing and taking massive action easier for me.
Many of you have likely had this experience too. Like having a baby (I used to be a midwife, so I know the courage it takes no matter how that baby comes out). You’re committed to the end result
Or on a more day-to-day level you can see it when you work for someone and you show up for work even if you don’t want to. You are committed to the work.
But in our lives, especially as we create more freedom and do things like become our own boss or start making our OWN plans and not just let others decide our lives for us, we are the ones who have to create that sense of commitment to the goal. It’s not as in-your-face as a mountain, and the end is not always in sight.
If we don’t show up for ourselves, often it’s not as consequential as…getting fired,
But notice: isn’t it interesting that we are willing to work so hard for other people’s dreams and be committed to working every day for them…but for our own dreams we can be so…wishy washy?
How many of you want to have more freedom in your life – financial freedom, freedom from our emotions that hook us, to be location independent, to create your own schedule?
That would be awesome, right?
Here’s an important thing to remember: Wanting is a form of passive action.
The definition of wanting is: “to desire something, to wish for something” NO ACTION REQUIRED.
This makes it easier, familiar, comfortable – and more preferred by our reptilian brain motivated by that motivational triad of seeking pleasure, avoiding pain and doing what’s easier.
But all wanting does is create more DESIRE to create what you want – not the actual result of what you want. So just wanting creates a bigger and bigger gap between what you want and what you have.
More DESIRE for something that you’re not willing to GO GET.
Conversely, the definition of commitment is, “to follow through on a course of ACTION.” This is very different from wanting and other passive actions. With commitment, “action” is in the definition.
COMMITMENT is where you go from WANTING it (passive) to GETTING it via ACTIONS that produce RESULTS (massive action).
Let’s say you want to earn $100K this year, or to go on a round the world trip, or do a 3-month meditation retreat or a yoga teacher training – no matter how much we lament about how hard we’re already working or how desperately we want it, if we’re not taking ACTION that produces RESULTS, it’s passive action.
So I want to ask you again, a bit differently: When it comes to creating freedom, are you just wanting it? Or are you taking action, every day, to get it?
And are you committed to the end? For the long haul?
We often do so much to get towards something and then give up…right before the chips are going to fall and it's like watching it you’re thinking OMG all you have to do is ONE more step and then the chips are yours!
But we give up because often we expect it to be easier or faster.
I don’t want you to worry about feeling excited or happy or joyful. Or a big one I hear a lot from my clients is they want to feel motivated before doing something. Like the reason they’re not taking action is “I’m not motivated to do it.”
“Motivated” is NOT what you wait for to get shit done.
I want you to think about how you can feel COMMITTED, because while taking massive action can feel tiring, not achieving your goal is its own kind of exhaustion
And remember that this doesn’t just apply to more “tangible” goals like a house or a job, to be more fit, or an income level or stamps in your passport – but it can also be applied to spiritual goals – like more patience, more compassion, more kindness, to finally FORGIVE. Because there are things we can DO – actions we can TAKE to move towards those goals too, like a regular meditation practice. Retreats. Tong Len practice. Self-coaching (one of the many things I teach in Freedom School). It’s not just thinking about growing spiritually and wishing for it. We need to practice. THAT’s how we create results.
This episode will teach you how to not wait to feel motivated or wait until it feels “good.”
We walk about feeling COMMITTED.
In this episode, you will learn:// The subtle differences between massive and passive action
// Sneaky ways you’re likely engaging in passive action
// The importance of commitment in being able to take repeated action – and how to feel it
// Long-haul vs short-term commitment
// 4 things you can do to avoid passive action
// One question you can ask yourself to keep yourself out of confusion and into taking action every day towards your goals
Resources:// For ways you can take action to protect women’s reproductive rights, check out ReproductiveRights.org or PlannedParenthoodAction.org
// Did you know I lead silent mindfulness adventure retreats? Our next one is in Baja, Mexico in the week of March 26th, 2023. Save the dates. You will want to be on the early notification list!
// If you want to start integrating all of you into this one precious life we have, apply for the Adventure Mastermind. It’s Soul Work. Deep work. Important, necessary, and essential to what the world needs right now. Be a part of it.
If you’re remotely curious, apply. It will help you get clear, and then we can chat to see if it’s actually a good fit. Trust me – it’s an intense 6 months so I am just as invested as you are in making sure it’s an amazing match. Head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the next cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
This episode is all about releasing one of the most common toxic patterns many of us have (and that easily that hooks me, personally): judgment and blame.
Judgment and blame are really pervasive in our workplaces, our personal relationships, and in society at large. As we’ve experiences, it causes a lot of suffering when we label others as “wrong” or “bad” in some way. We can also get hooked by blame, and when it becomes habitual, it also keeps us stuck.
These reactions can arise with little things, like when someone forgets to do a simple favor you asked of them. And it can happen in moments of anger and unforgiveness from a deep wound or betrayal. When resentment is chronic, it can really weaken and damage our relationships as well.
When we’re blaming or judging, it makes it hard for us to be compassionate or to soften around the wall we’ve built up around our hearts to protect us. We can end up putting people in a box, seeing them as an “unreal other,” and closing off to the idea of an interaction.
It’s important to know this is totally human, totally expected when born in a body with a brain that evolved the way it did, so we need to be compassionate towards ourselves too. AND when it happens on a bigger scale, when we look at this as a baseline of so many people on the planet, we can also see the suffering it creates. If we want to genuinely move toward healing, peace, and helping the Earth heal, it will be helpful for us to practice letting go of blaming and “othering.”
So how do we explore this without offending someone else or turning into the “blame police”? And without making ourselves “wrong” for getting hooked by judgment and blame?
You’ve probably heard me talk about the evolutionary aspects of our brain and development before. Well, it applies here, too, with the stress response cycle of fight/flight/freeze/fawn. Blame is an expression of “fight.” It’s part of the human condition and it’s a universal response to when we feel threatened.
Then, due to our negativity bias, we’re consistently scanning for what’s wrong, or assuming there is something wrong, because evolutionarily, that kept us safer. It literally kept us alive!
On a societal level, we see this pattern a lot, and unfortunately, we perceive the most threat, and therefore blame, toward those that we perceive are different from us - religion, morals, politics, race/culture/ethnicity... We have a default response of “others” being more likely to be perceived as threats to our safety and most likely to be the target of our blame. Since this is the default of our brain, the first way we can examine this is to just be aware of it happening.
While we know the possible negative effects of judgment and blame, there is a sneakier reason for their bad reputation: Many people have a common belief that we shouldn’t be angry. But as weknow, anger is intelligent. It let’s us know we need to take action, that something is wrong, that we aren’t getting our needs met. So anger itself isn’t the problem – getting stuck in it is (via judgment and blame).
We’ve all been wounded by others. As we’ve seen recently in the U.S. with women’s rights, and with BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ and Gender non-conforming friends, entire populations have been devalued and systematically oppressed. This should make us angry.
So we use anger to awaken and mobilize. But not to hang out in.
Make no mistake, we need anger. .
If we suppress anger and, say, prematurely forgive, we’re not going to fully attend to our wounds and therefore won’t be able to effectively protect ourselves from more harm.
But when we are in a trance of blame all the stories that feed the blame replay over and over. When this happens, we have less access to our wise mind, so we get reactive and lash out or withdraw.
When we get stuck in that trance of blame, our perception of the other person also narrows. They become “unreal” or less human to us. Someone we can’t relate to easily. And if we look closely, not only are we creating an unreal other, we’re also creating an unreal self. We’re not connected to our own wholeness. We are in some limited story of a victimized self.
We can start to wake up to how blame is impacting our perceptions of both the other person (or people) and of ourselves. Ask ourselves - what’s the role I'm in? And most important, do I like myself this way? Is it who I really am?
We also have to acknowledge that undoing the toxic habits of judgment and blame is hard. And it’s usually hard because we are protecting ourselves from suffering. One question we must ask ourselves is, what makes us hold so tightly to blame? What parts of us are we protecting?
We can ask ourselves, “If I let go of thinking this way, what unpleasant feelings would I have to feel?” Because there’s really a whole constellation of vulnerable feelings that can show up under the armor we’ve put up.
Sometimes we hold onto blame because of misunderstandings about forgiveness. We may worry that forgiving someone will remove accountability or any possibility of change for the other person. Or that it condones harmful behavior. But this is a misunderstanding of forgiveness that can block our healing.
There’s also a question of whether we can make a difference in the world if we let go of blame. We think it fuels change. But we need to remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean passivity or inaction. We can seek justice and reparation for oppressed people AND release the hatred or blame towards those who are benefiting from and perpetuating the oppression.
There are three steps I use in my own life to leave the blame behind and begin to forgive:
In each of us, beyond our ego, there’s a wisdom that knows that until we let go of the armoring around our hearts, we can't be happy. We can't love freely.
So there is something in all of us that knows that if we want to have a free heart - and we’re all about Freedom here - a big step is to let go of blame.
In this Episode you will learn:
// Why our brains are designed to blame and judge
// Why anger isn’t the problem… and why we actually need it
// How to recognize when you're in a trance of judgment and blame
// How to stop the cycle of blame and let go
// What role the “two wings” of mindfulness and compassion have to shift us out of the stress response
// What we are running from when we blame - and how to turn towards it
Resources:
// Episode 19: Anger
// Episode 34: How to Forgive
// Episode 87: The Problem with Being Right
// Episode 106: Empathy vs Compassion
// Check out this article I wrote for the Elephant Journal on Walking Each Other Home
// For ways you can take action to protect women’s reproductive rights, check out ReproductiveRights.org or PlannedParenthoodAction.org
// Did you know I lead silent mindfulness adventure retreats? Our next one is in Baja, Mexico in the week of March 26th, 2023. Save the dates. You will want to be on the early notification list!
// If you want to start integrating all of you into this one precious life we have, apply for the Adventure Mastermind. It’s Soul Work. Deep work. Important, necessary, and essential to what the world needs right now. Be a part of it.
If you’re remotely curious, apply. It will help you get clear, and then we can chat to see if it’s actually a good fit. Trust me – it’s an intense 6 months so I am just as invested as you are in making sure it’s an amazing match. Head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the next cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
This past week when I was on a silent retreat, as the days went by and we all got deeper into our meditation practice, I could see that people were walking really slowly...taking long pauses to enjoy the nature around us; stopping and touching the leaves of a bush and even petting it in appreciation; gazing at a wild turkey and laughing at all its sounds and attempts at impressing us with displays of their feathers, or perma-grinning up at the full moon.
If any of us had been wearing tie-dyed clothing, someone would have thought everyone was on psychedelics of some sort. And it kind of makes sense, because meditation does to our brains many similar things that psychedelics do – but that’s another podcast.
However, i’s interesting to me that we often find it unusual to be in awe of life on a regular basis.
Why isn’t that our baseline instead? When did we fall from this state of awe?
As you may know, dying is a sexy topic in Buddhism, with a lot of teachings centering around impermanence. There’s a Tibetan saying, ““Since death is certain and the hour of death is uncertain, what is most important?”
That’s really the question, right? What is most important to us?
When we deeply practice and pause to ask ourselves this, we often realize that the most important thing is to be in full, loving awareness, loving presence.
After all, the only thing that’s certain is impermanence, and accepting this allows us to let go of attachment and on a deeper level, our fear of death, which actually helps us live a more engaged life.
As we stay present with and accept the transient moment, we begin to identify less with what changes, and more with presence itself. And we can begin to realize that this awareness is actually made of love. But don’t just take my word for it. Dive into it and check it out for yourself.
I remember saying goodbye to my dad on what I knew might be the last day I might see him. There was a deep sorrow in knowing that could be the last time. I didn’t want to leave.
I kissed him on his head. I ached inside. But there was also a tender awareness of this eternal, fleeting moment. The importance of being so present as my lips touched his skin. Feeling his warmth at this goodbye.
When we let go of attachment to what’s changing, passing - we then open ourselves to infinite possibilities and miracles in the moment.
Buddha said there are different types of miracles - yogis who can stop the beating of their hearts or walk through walls and stuff - but then he says the real miracle is the miracle of awakening, of seeing the miracle that's already here.
Do we need miracles and epiphanies to see the truth about reality? No. The very act of living and dropping into your body and having a felt sense of being alive IS a miracle.
We’ve all been given the give of LIFE, which in and of itself is amazing.
So let’s ask ourselves: what helps me to see this all as a miracle again?
Is it hiking through alpine mountains, walking along the beach in silence, sitting in meditation, or maybe just taking time for stillness in our culture of busyness?
What helps your senses open to the experience of being alive?
Practicing this isn’t necessarily easy. To get there we often first pass through mindfulness of stress, or mindfulness of anxiety. Or something way worse. But then, the reward is to once again have access to the awareness of the wonder of life.
Take a moment now to just look at your hands or your face. We have this body which has done all these things for us. We have a head and eyes and a tongue. Fingers or arms or legs that stretch and are covered with skin and have...made so much of our lives possible.
It’s WILD!
So it’s not about needing an epic experience. It’s about a beginner's mind, the awe that comes with seeing things fresh.
It’s a lot simpler than we think. It’s being present with what we’ve got.
A lot of teachings in Buddhism were about how to live in the natural world and its mysteries. Nature helps us appreciate vastness, and there is so much beauty in its cycles and changes, so spending time in nature can helps us access this more easily. We can remember that we’re part of a larger…Universe. Not an insignificant piece of it. A part of it.
Come back to the natural, mysterious existence of being alive.
Ask yourself - what really matters right now? If I only had today, or this moment, what would I think of my life so far, and what would I do with this precious, precious moment?
In this Episode you will learn:
// How accepting impermanence and death can open us up to a more engaged life.
// How to open ourselves to the miracle and experience of being alive.
// Why nature is so important in our practice.
// How to make awe and wonder a part of everyday life.
Resources:
// Did you know I lead silent mindfulness adventure retreats? Our next one is in Baja, Mexico in the week of March 26th, 2023. Save the dates. You will want to be on the early notification list!
// If you want to start integrating all of you into this one precious life we have, apply for the Adventure Mastermind. It’s Soul Work. Deep work. Important, necessary, and essential to what the world needs right now. Be a part of it.
If you’re remotely curious, apply. It will help you get clear, and then we can chat to see if it’s actually a good fit. Trust me – it’s an intense 6 months so I am just as invested as you are in making sure it’s an amazing match. Head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the next cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
This past week I went to Maui with my good friend, Angela on a bit of an informal retreat. We had an absolute blast together - not just because we share so much in common and can laugh until we almost pee ourselves, but also because we both realized what we could change and what we couldn’t.
We chose happy. A lot. Over and over.
On one of our last days, we hiked up to a small peak at Haleakala for a super early sunrise and perched ourselves on a rocky outcrop between two boulders with only a handful of other people nearby.
I asked Angela if we could sit and watch the sunrise in silence. I love sunrise meditations and this would be an epic session. She agreed and we cozied up together in a bundle of layers in silence.
Now, sitting in silence on a silent retreat is one thing, and it’s a very unique experience. But when you sit in silence and others aren’t doing the same, you can really notice other things, specifically, what other people talk about. And let me tell y’all something:
Most of what I heard didn’t need to be said.
It didn’t build a sense of connection to help anyone contribute to intimacy. It wasn’t funny, entertaining, or informating. It was a lot of :
“This rock is hard.”
“I wish I had worn my blue shirt instead.”
“My spit feels gross.”
And it was all so disjointed. No one actually responded to the comments, they just said something else unrelated. People just telling each other their thoughts.
But not in a way that was sincerely relating or deeping or growing closer.
I know a lot of people think this small talk helps people connect, but today, I’d love to invite you to question that.
The next time you’re out at a store or standing in line to purchase something, listen to people’s day-to-day conversations. What do you hear? Are they really deepening connections, or just filling a space?
This is important because we need this space often to simply be in, to become aware of what’s actually going on.
Angela and I sat in silence. We share a look during certain parts of the sunrise or when we got really cold and needed to warm up a bit, and we still felt seen and understood by each other.
When people hear about my silent retreats, their immediate response is, “I could never do that!” Or they’re shocked I can do it because I do like to talk a lot.
But one of the things I really love about silent retreats is that it becomes really obvious how much we can communicate without talking, and how much we actually DON’T need to day.
I’ve also noticed there’s a lot less drama and suffering when humans aren’t constantly sharing what’s going on in their heads. Go figure!
So, this week, while I’m on another one of my awesome silent retreats, I want to invite you all to join me in your own way.
Try to notice when you want or attempt to make the silence go away.
When you’re with someone and there’s silence, do you become uncomfortable and want to say something to fill the space? Or maybe you turn on the radio as soon as you get in the car or turn the TV on when you arrive home, even though you’re not actually listening to it.
Now, try to play with trying NOT to fill that space. Because when we ask ourselves why we do anything, we can usually get the answer by not doing it… and noticing what arises.
Whatever that feeling is - anxiety, restlessness - just notice it for now. Maybe you can see what happens when you don’t react to those feelings.
When you’re ready, you can try not talking for a half-day or even a whole day. Or don’t turn on the music or TV for a day.
Trust me: you’ll survive and learn a thing or two about your own inner landscape!
In this Episode, you will learn:
// Things you can experiment with to get more comfortable with silence
// How to know if something is really worth saying
// What's possible when we open up to silence
Resources:
// Right speech
// Gossip
// If you want to start integrating all of you into this one precious life we have, apply for the Adventure Mastermind. It’s Soul Work. Deep work. Important, necessary, and essential to what the world needs right now. Be a part of it.
If you’re remotely curious, apply. It will help you get clear, and then we can chat to see if it’s actually a good fit. Trust me – it’s an intense 6 months so I am just as invested as you are in making sure it’s an amazing match. Head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the Summer cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
In 1991, my life seemed perfect. I had just started at UCSC, my first choice for schools, not just because of the amazing reputation of the rebel professors, but also because of the ancient redwood forests and proximity to the beach - nature was important to me, and this place had it ALL.
I had a blast doing new things like skinny dipping, drum circles, and mushroom journeys with friends, majoring in clinical psychology (which I couldn’t get enough of), loving my classes… I had a great boyfriend and I was working at the Outdoor Recreation program as an assistant rock climbing guide as part of my work-study program.
I felt super blessed. People told me all the time how lucky I was.
So then why was I having panic attacks?
I was afraid to leave my room. I was scared to drive through the mountain roads to visit my boyfriend. I was afraid to make friends. I was unsettled and restless. And I felt like something was very, verywrong.
On the outside it seemed perfect, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on. And that made me scared. I thought I was having mini-strokes. I was partying too much to escape. I thoguht I was going to have a psychotic break like my father.
One day, desperate for an answer, I was wandering around a bookstore with a particularly large collection of spiritual books. The spine of one book caught my eye: Spiritual Emergency: When Personal Transformation Becomes a Crisis, by the Czech psychiatrists Stanislav and Christina Gorf.
I read the book sleeve and the first few pages and realized: Holy shit. I think I’m having a spiritual emergency.
Looking back, I realize it was more of a spiritual awakening that was going to turn into a spiritual emergency if I didn’t get support. But those first few pages helped me realize that I wasn’t going crazy. It was a spiritual experience.
It was that period of intense suffering and fear that led me to seek out meditation - I felt a strong calling to learn how to meditate. A lot of the places I reached out to charged too much, so I kept searching until I found a rebellious Tibetan Buddhist nun from Australia named Robina Courtin.
She was my kind of nun, teaching me to meditate and talking shout sex, cigarettes and chocolate;) It was in my sessions with her that my love affair with meditation, Buddhism, rebel nuns, and Tibetan culture began. I started to emerge from my existential crisis (although it would take years before the anxiety took more of a back seat).
I see others in existential crisis often, especially in people interested in the Adventure Mastermind. For some, it might look like wanting to discover their Soul Purpose, or help clarify the meaning of their life, or how to deliver and manifest their purpose to the world. Missing this can really be a cause of deep pain, and a source of deep longing in humans.
Maybe you can relate to this - maybe you’ve had an experience that has completely changed you, but you also notice that you don’t feel so great about it. You might even feel burdened.
A spiritual emergency occurs when a spiritual awakening process goes too fast - too much too soon. This leads to a person feeling really destabilized and can even be frightening.
We start to open to our spirituality in the awakening and then it overwhelms us,
Things are at a higher risk of transforming from spiritual awakening to emergency when there’s also a shock that triggers the experience, like death of a loved one or a life-threatening illness. It can also happen when there’s a lack of support or skilled intervention.
An existential crisis is different - it can be a result of a spiritual awakening or emergency - even lead to an emergency if unsupported. The most common thing I see with clients in an existential crisis is a loss of meaning, or at least an acute awareness of the lack of meaning.
The way I see it, a spiritual awakening is the beginning of the path, and the existential crisis is a specific part of the path that’s challenging.
Here are just a few of the signs that we might be in an existential crisis (check out the full Episode for more):
- You might be searching for purpose and meaning. It’s a deep longing, not just “ wouldn’t it be nice if I knew…”
- There may be a sense of loneliness, isolation, depression, emptiness, and disconnection from others.
- Like me, you may feel like you’re about to lose your mind or that something has gone very very wrong.
- You feel like you’re walking in a dream and you’re not sure who you are anymore. Or you look at your achievements and start to wonder if you’ve wasted your time. (spoiler alert: you probably didn’t!)
- You begin to feel a sense of anxiety about death… especially about dying with regrets or dying without having reached our full potential.
Why do we experience an existential crisis? Sometimes it comes from a shock to the system, or a more chronic exposure to stressors, or a “dark night of the soul.” It can also be from a life transition/new stage of life, questioning our religious beliefs, psychedelic experiences, the birth of a baby, and more. So, these triggering events can be negative and positive.
They also seem to be more common right now. And when we look at the symptoms of an existential crisis - questioning society’s values and definitions of success, feeling separated from others, questioning our life purpose - it can make intuitive sense that we see a crisis more often in a world that encourages us to compare ourselves to others, to seek out external sources of validation, to find our worth and lovability in others.
Here’s the good news: it’s really common for rebel one to experience existential anxiety. You don’t just follow the herd. You question. You think for yourself. And that can feel lonely and confusing.
While some people may see existential anxiety as the result of depression, we can also choose to look at it as part of our evolution. The breakdown before the breakthrough.
It’s a chance for us to inquire with true depth and honesty and authenticity our Soul Purpose, our meaning in life. It’s a chance for us to deepen our spiritual practice, get our priorities straight, and figure out what really matters.
And it can’t be avoided. If we try to avoid change and impermanence, we’re fighting with reality and create so much unnecessary suffering. This discomfort and suffering is part of our path.
So… what the heck should we do if we feel we’re in an existential crisis?
First, make sure it is what it is. Knowing the correct diagnosis is really important, because putting someone one meds who doesn’t actually need them is not helpful. And conversely, it’s dangerous to assume that severe symptoms are an existential crisis if, in fact, serious depression or psychosis or other illness could be going on.
// Get out of your analytic brain and into creativity. You’re not going to be able to think your way through this one. It could be by writing poetry or a song, through art, or journaling.
// Explore your dreams. We can receive many messages about our purpose and our life’s meaning in dreams.
// Have a mindfulness practice. When we are fully present, we are less likely to get hooked by fear or worry or regret.
// Spend more time in the wilderness, in nature.
// Chill the frick out and stop doing so much. Seriously. We are often a human doing instead of human being. This is not the way we evolved to be.
// Do a guided experience, retreat or wilderness fast that specializes in this. Obviously, this is my jam and the whole reason I created the Adventure Mastermind.
It’s important to remember that as all things are impermanent, so is an existential crisis, even though it can feel like forever. If you’re in an existential crisis, I hope that, like me, you can look back on it when you are through it and see that it was an essential part of your journey and that you’d do it all over again because what grew out of it was so incredible and valuable.
// My personal story of becoming a rebel Buddhist
// The difference between an existential crisis and a spiritual awakening
// Signs you might be in an existential crisis
// Why we experience existential crises
// Why existential anxiety is so common today
// How we can help ourselves when in an existential crisis
// Robina Courtin and the Liberation Prison Project
// Episode 55: Self-Compassion
// Episode 71: How to Find Your Purpose
// Episode 99: Rebel Purpose
// Episode 105: Soul vs Spirit
// If you want to start integrating all of you into this one precious life we have, apply for the Adventure Mastermind. It’s Soul Work. Deep work. Important, necessary, and essential to what the world needs right now. Be a part of it.
If you’re remotely curious, apply. It will help you get clear, and then we can chat to see if it’s actually a good fit. Trust me – it’s an intense 6 months so I am just as invested as you are in making sure it’s an amazing match. Head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the Summer cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
When it comes to the practices of lovingkindness & compassion in Buddhist psychology, it’s pretty well understood that if we only practice these things, we can end up getting attached to the way we think things are supposed to be.
… And want to run off into the mountains when things don’t go as we want them to. We want to check out. Withdraw.
… Or we may grasp and struggle with the world rather than serving it. We resist and we fight.
This is why equanimity if often taught along with compassion and lovingkindness. Equanimity does not mean indifference or callousness. Indifference is based on fear.
True equanimity is not a withdrawal from life. It is a balanced engagement with all aspects of life. It embraces the loved and unloved. The things that being us pleasure and the things that don’t.
Knowing that all things are of the nature to change – ourselves, others, the world - with equanimity, we’re able to be fully present and in harmony with it.
When we don’t have equanimity, we get hooked by things, like we’re in a trance. But if we’re present in it, we’re less likely to react to things that activate us, and instead are more free to respond. We’re more likely to be able to access our wise mind and respond to life with compassion and lovingkindness (metta), forgiveness, and we’re more open to joy, too.
We open ourselves up to joy and pain. Because we really connect with ourselves and others in both of these states, right?
Now, the reality of suffering as part of the human condition is talked about in the First Noble Truth. It’s really hard to embrace this, right? And sure, it could be seen as a bummer. But it’s so essential to understand the reality of suffering, because that also helps us understand how to end it. After all, pain is not the same as suffering. Pain is inevitable, and suffering is optional.
The whole purpose of Buddhist psychology, its ethics (or sila), philosophy, practices, and ways of living in community, is the discovery that freedom and straight up joy are possible, even in the face of the suffering we experience as humans.
Now, while pain is inevitable, suffering is not. Pain happens just y being born a human. If nothing else, we all experience sickness, old age, and death. But we also experience abundance and scarcity, love and hate, pain and joy...
Suffering, however, is caused by our reaction to the hard parts of life, to the pain. It arises from grasping, from attachment to what we want and how we want the world to be.
Our personal suffering can include anxiety, depression, fear, confusion, grief, anger, addiction… but it’s not just personal. Our collective suffering grows from human greed, hatred, and ignorance, creating things we see all around us: warfare and racism, unnecessary hunger, sickness, and abandonment of humans all over the world.
That First Noble Truth is what we are working on understanding and transforming. The Second Noble Truth helps us understand the grasping, or attachment – the cause of the suffering.
Attachment to things needing to be a certain way leads us to also having an aversion towards some things, and even incorrect views of what’s going on, of the nature of existence.
Then we get all messed up and start to experience that unnecessary suffering that looks like anger, hatred, anxiety, buffering and addiction, jealousy…
Freedom from suffering is possible when we let go of our need for things to be different than they are.
So nirvana, my friends, is not some place with clouds and rainbows or cosmic stars and supernovas. This is nirvana. I think of it as a letting go of the need for things to be different than what they are and therefore letting go of our suffering, our fear and grasping.
And I’m not saying I hang out here or know this space well, even. What I am saying is the more I learn and the more I talk with my teachers who have a much more intimate knowledge of nirvana themselves, I realize it is not a place of escape or transcendence of this world, but rather a very intimate knowing of the true nature of this world, and a letting go of how we need it to be.
This is true freedom.
Equanimity is part of the middle way, which helps us, amidst the pain of the world and of ourselves and others, to experience peace wherever we are, here and now.
When we’re present in equanimity, it’s not that we don’t have a response at all. It’s that we’re less likely to react to things that activate us in an unconscious way, and instead are more free to respond with access our wise mind and respond to life with compassion.
This is really different from an attitude of indifference. Some people think equanimity is experiencing the world and not having any response to it. Like…meh. Like my patients that had low testosterone. They didn’t feel awful, but they also didn’t feel stoked about anything. Or upset or angry about anything. Just…meh. That’s not equanimity.
When we don’t grasp at or resist life as it is – in a state of equanimity - we can live wide awake and experience true freedom - in the midst of, as its said, the 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows.
Equanimity teaches us how to not run away. How not to get overwhelmed. It teaches us how to lean into the world. How to stay present. How to not become incapacitated by our caring. Only by courageously opening to the sorrow of the world as it is do we find our freedom.
In this Episode you’ll learn:// The difference between equanimity and indifference
// What makes pain inevitable but suffering optional
// Why nirvana isn’t what you think
// Where Western psychology falls short when it comes to suffering
// How to cultivate equanimity in everyday life
// How equanimity helps us stop running away
Resources:
// Episode 60: How to Avoid Unnecessary Suffering
// Episode 63: Being Human is Hard - The First Noble Truth
// If you want to start integrating all of you into this one precious life we have, apply for the Adventure Mastermind. It’s Soul Work. Deep work. Important, necessary, and essential to what the world needs right now. Be a part of it.
If you’re remotely curious, apply. It will help you get clear, and then we can chat to see if it’s actually a good fit. Trust me – it’s an intense 6 months so I am just as invested as you are in making sure it’s an amazing match. Head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the Summer cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
During a ceremony on my last meditation retreat, I looked this woman in the eyes and she was sobbing (with joy) and BAM! I started sobbing - also with joy - for how beautiful and precious the moment was. I didn’t stop, the entire ceremony. I had an immediate response to her tears of joy. And I could not reign that shizzle in. For the life of me.
On the other end of tears, as a nurse, a midwife, and also a death doula, I’ve witnessed a lot of suffering - I’ve delivered stillborn babies and sat with their mothers as they held them and sobbed. I held their babies myself, kissed them on the forehead and cried.
I’ve seen elders come into the ED after watching their life partner die of a heart attack and holding them in their sadness, now feeling very alone. I’ve sat bedside with grieving families as a beloved family member was taking their last breath. I’ve heard horrifying war stories working in refugee camps and working at community clinics serving the underserved, often living in horrible conditions in violent and fear-ridden environments.
I found that what drew me to this kind of work was a natural inclination towards compassion… yet it seemed that’s the very thing that made the work so hard.
I think I had a misunderstanding of the difference between empathy and compassion, as well as not having the skills for true self-care.
It felt like, “I care too much.”
But really, it was because I was overidentifying with the suffering I was witnessing. It wasn't compassion that was overwhelming me at the time. It was unprotected empathy. Unchecked empathy.
I’m not alone. It turns out a lot of people mistake empathy for compassion. So that’s what I want to clear up today.
Empathy is understanding how someone feels, and trying to imagine how that might feel for you — it’s a mode of relating. It can even involve feeling that same feeling within ourselves.
Compassion is witnessing suffering and wanting to do something about it. Compassion, in the classical teachings of the Buddhist tradition, is often described as “the heart that trembles in the face of suffering.” And then wanting to do something about it.
It comes out of one’s need or feeling to help someone else.
So empathy sparks compassion and compassion builds empathy.
Empathy is a gateway to compassion. We identify with another person’s feelings - that’s empathy. Then, we’re motivated to take action, maybe even massive action, and do something, which is compassion.
With empathy, while we may experience and highly relate to the suffering of others, we might not actually do something to help.
With compassion, we take a step away from the emotion we’re feeling with empathy and want to take action.
We ask ourselves, “‘How can I help?”
Another way we can look at it is empathy is more of an automatic feeling and compassion is manifested in intentional action.
They are different and complementary. When one is absent from the other, it can cause imbalance.
Empathy without compassion becomes something that can incapacitate us and also cause more problems than it helps with.
So recognizing the differences between compassion and empathy is important as we try to cultivate more compassion and mindfulness - staying fully present with the suffering we might bear witness to. When we can’t stay present with the suffering because it becomes too much to bear, we can numb out. Burn out. Check out.
Here are some ways we can cultivate more compassion and compassionate action vs empathy, which can be overwhelming.
// Be aware of the differences between empathy and compassion, which I discussed above, and knowing which one we are in. When we have felt the empathy, we check in to how it sparks compassion and then reflect on how we can take effective action to help - and then we do it.
// Intentionally have a deliberate response instead of going with what feels like a more impulsive emotional response. Empathy is more reactive. Compassion is more… deliberate.
Empathy originates in the emotion centers of the brain, so empathetic feelings, thoughts, actions (including the decisions we make) are generated from this less conscious level, so we are less aware and therefore less intentional about those decisions.
Compassion is considered to be more deliberate because it originates in the cognitive centers of our brain. Compassionate feelings, thoughts, and actions (including decisions) pass through filters in a more conscious, mindful way. We are more likely to reflect on the situation, deliberate our options, and maybe even improve on any decisions we arrive at. We are able to be more present with suffering from a place of compassion, so we won’t tune it out or try to escape.
// Cultivate equanimity. Something I didn’t know before was that while empathy strongly relates to the brain’s tendency to identify with others’ emotions, it’s particularly cued to do so with those who are close to us. This may seem benign (“well.. of course it’s easier to identify with those closer to me”) but the issue with this is that this makes it more biased. When we tend to empathize moreso with those close to us, those who aren’t close or are different can seem like a threat. So - when unchecked - this is a sneaky way that empathy can actually create more division than unity.
In one extreme, empaths experience that feeling the emotions of others around us without boundaries can have a negative impact on our judgment and potentially lead to bad decisions. On the other end of extreme empathy, it can also fuel aversion to those who are different from us. Isn’t that wild to think about?
I feel like Buddha was way ahead of the game with this one. Upekkhā in Pali means equanimity.
True equanimity isn’t indifference towards others. It’s engagement in a way that’s balanced with all aspects of life, and all beings. It’s opening to all of life in a balanced way and with a calm mind, accepting all aspects - the joyful and sorrowful, the abundance and scarcity. The loved and the unloved, the agreeable and the disagreeable. It eliminates clinging and aversion.
// Engage in massive action, not passive action.
Compassion eventually manifests as doing something. As a result, too much empathy without compassion can lead to feeling stuck. We end up just replaying the scenes of suffering over and over in our heads, which is a type of passive action (thinking about it, worrying about it, feeling bad about it). This doesn’t help and can even lead to depressive symptoms.
When we take massive action from a place of compassion, we are creating a result - doing something to change the situation. Our empathy is turned into compassion and then into action.
We can be sure to check our intention too - put ourselves in their shoes. Considering their reality how can we be of benefit in this situation?
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// Practice self-care and self-compassion
As time goes on, overidentifying with another’s emotions can be exhausting. We’re also less likely to care for ourselves and our own emotional well-being because we don't have enough energy left to do so.
Being regularly bombarded with the negative emotions and experiences of someone else can drain our mental resources and take a toll on our psychological health.
On the other hand, compassion is intentional and focused on solutions. Of course, there can be an extreme of compassion as well, where we want just to keep doing and doing and doing to help without taking a break for self-care and practicing self-compassion. This is compassion fatigue.
The oxygen mask analogy is a good one. We need to put our own mask on before helping others with theirs. We’re no good to others passed out. Similarly, we can’t give to others what we don’t have ourselves and that’s where self-compassion comes in.
Self-compassion also includes self-care, like getting to bed on time, taking breaks throughout the day and not holing your pee for 12 hours (I know you nurses out there who do that!). It includes taking vacations - ALL of your vacation days - and eating well and moving your body in the way it loves. It includes also doing the internal work to redirect that inner mean girl and give her a new job that’s more helpful.
// Have a mindfulness practice. One of the most important insights from empathy and compassion research is that having a regular mindfulness practice – or another contemplative practice – is one of the best paths for cultivating compassion. Mindfulness is awareness without judgment. It’s maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment, through a gentle, nurturing lens. In this way, mindfulness helps us be more self-aware, more intentional and more deliberate…thoughtful.
// Try a Tonglen practice. This practice, taught to me by Geshe Tsultim Gyeltsen, is an ancient meditation practice that helps to cultivate compassion. It has helped me heal so many relationships - and well as help me have more compassion for myself. This practice can be life-changing. It’s also known as “taking and sending,” and it flips our usual default mode of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure in that motivational triad you’ve heard me speak of so often. In Tonglen practice, we visualize taking in the pain of others with every in-breath and sending out whatever will benefit them on the out-breath. Through this, we start to let go of selfishness, and not in a let-people-walk-all-over-me kind of way. Rather, we begin to feel authentic love for both ourselves and others; we begin to take care of ourselves and others.
I hope that clears some things up for you so that you don’t feel extreme empathy in a way that shuts you down. We want to love and love and love and not have our hearts close down, and that is a true skill that you can learn. So please do practice these things above. Just pick one of them and give it a go!
In this Episode you’ll learn:
// How to prevent being overwhelmed by suffering and world events
// When empathy can actually create division instead of bring us closer
// The difference between compassion and empathy - and why we need both
// Why overempathizing can keep us stuck and even lead to depressive symptoms
// How to increase compassion to build resilience
// What compassion fatigue is & how to overcome it
Resources:
// Check out Episode 51: Self-Compassion
// Listen to Ana’s Guided Tonglen Meditation here
// If you want to start integrating all of you into this one precious life we have, apply for the Adventure Mastermind. It’s Soul Work. Deep work. Important, necessary, and essential to what the world needs right now. Be a part of it.
If you're remotely curious, apply. It will help you get clear, and then we can chat to see if it's actually a good fit. Trust me - it's an intense 6 months so I am just as invested as you are in making sure it's an amazing match. Head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the Summer cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
Today is about the question, “Who am I?”
We talk about why it matters and how we hold it in a context where we debate if we even exist on certain levels. Specifically - I want to talk about the concept of non-self and and Ultimate Oneness as well as how - and if - this can exist simultaneously alongside the concept of the individual soul. I’m going to do this while reminding you that I’m no philosophy or theology expert, and that I’m sharing my own experience of this debate along the path - and it’s not a straight line!
A friend recently asked me if Buddhism teaches that “nothing exists outside of the mind,” including self. Of course, Buddhism isn’t easy to give short answers about. Its teachings include over 2600 years of monastic debate, and of all the world religions, its doctrines are particularly diverse and contradictory, which I dig, but it can frustrate others. Especially if you want black and white answers.
The “mind only” school of Buddhism can be interpreted as one that suggests “nothing exists outside the mind.” And you could say that Yogachara taught that while consciousness is ultimately real and perceptions arise in consciousness, perceptions are provisional, without essence, and are dependent. No existence in and of themselves.
Now, it’s my own personal experience that we see a lot of spiritual bypassing when people ignore the suffering of individuals or groups of oppressed people, for example, and say they believe ultimately that we are One and that the individual self doesn’t exist, so therefore we shouldn’t focus on peoples’ differences and how their experiences in life might be different.
They’ll shun the idea of the individual and try to transcend that and aim for the Oneness. This seems like a noble cause - to not live out of selfishness or ego-driven desires.
But when I think about it, I always end up noticing, “Wait, but I DO exist.” I have a body, a mind, and ideas. I help people and I’m helped by others. That’s all real, in some way, right?
But then, if I also believe in the oneness of it all, and you and I not being separate, then what is this?
Well, as someone who is on both journeys simultaneously - of exploring myself and my not-self - I’ve found that, as usual, it’s not just one or the other. We are both.
There are a couple problems with the “mind is real, things are not” view:
One is that earlier Buddhist texts discouarge us from taking any firm opinion about whether things do or don’t exist. So we can’t fixate on either decision like, “The mountain is real.” or “The mountain only exists in my mind.”
Each view is sometimes useful, but neither is ultimately true.
The second problem with “everything is the mind” is it pretty much naturally leads to moral nihilism, which is definitely not what Buddha taught.
For this Rebel Buddhist, the Middle Way - the idea that both can be true - is what I believe.
Now, if we’re going to go down that Middle Way path, what terms can we use to differentiate between the individual and the emptiness of the individual (the Oneness)?
Bill Plotkin’s definitions of the soul and spirit are really helpful here:
- The Soul is the wild core of our individual selves. It is unique to each person, and is much deeper than our personalities.
- The Spirit is that single, great, eternal mystery that permeates and animates everything in the universe and transcends all.
So, for me, soul-work is on an individual level, and spirit-work is what is touched upon in the more transcendent (beyond the self) practices. And each soul is seen to exist as an agent for spirit.
The idea is that your soul is what makes you unique. You are here on this plant and in this body for a reason. All things are fulfilling their unique individual purpose, and humans are not exempt from that.
This is also a piece of why I use nature so deeply in my personal work and in my retreats with the Adventure Mastermind and Freedom School. When I was a climbing guide, living and working in the mountains, I was immersed in that connection naturally. When I started graduate school, I cried because my room only had a mall triangle of a window for me to glimpse a bit of sky..
Spirit, on the other hand, is the dimension of our experience in which we sense something larger than ourselves. Many of us have had that experience at one point or another. I think about how many of my clients describe themselves as “spiritual but not religious.” In other words, at a minimum there is an awareness of being a part of something bigger than themselves.
It’s not like we live in that experience all the time. It could just be glimpses of that intermittently. But in general, nearly everyone has experiences of awe and wonder at some point. Watching a sunset. Giving birth. After an epic orgasm…
So for me, working with spirit to access these transpersonal levels are my meditation and yogic practices, my personal retreats, and my daily practices. And working with soul is when I’m fully embodied and connected with nature and everyone around me. It’s when clear about, connected to, and living my unique Soul Purpose.
Some people may block off focusing on soul purpose or find it contradictory to the concept of Oneness as well. Maybe they haven’t seen what I’ve seen. I can’t even begin to describe the degree of suffering I witness when people don’t know why they’re here. We all yearn for - and need - a purpose that can be embodied.
And contrary to the belief that if we focus on the self we suffer more, I’ve found that to my surprise, as we discover our individual purpose, we are more intimate with the Oneness and interdependenc of all existence, and can transcend our sense of the small self. Like an initiatory process.
I dive more into what soul purpose is in the full pod, but I don’t believe we’re just meant to transcend this life. In fact, I believe we’re meant to milk it for everything it’s got! To discover, know, and live our gifts and offer them to our communities. Our love for our own life, for all living things, and for community pours itself into the world, like a prayer, through our deepest purpose.
And in my opinion, it is essential in this time of radical, global change.
// What is Soul Purpose and Soul Work?
// How the concept of “Nothing exists outside the mind” fits in with the search for our purpose
// How we can be both individuals and an interconnected Oneness
// The difference between the soul and the spirit and the practices that nourish both
// How nature and soul work are inextricably linked
// The 3 characteristics of Peak Experiences
// Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft: Crossing into the Mysteries of Nature and Psyche, New World Library
// Check out my Clarity + Courage Course here! This free 7-day course to help you finally get clear about what you want and how to go get it
// Listen to Episode 71: How to Find Your Purpose
// If you’re ready to learn more about embracing all facets of yourself and your beliefs and heading into the next chapter of your life with a fresh, transformed start, head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the Summer cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
I just got back from a semi-silent retreat at what I consider to be my current home meditation center, Spirit Rock in California. I say semi-silent because between our silent periods, we would meet for about 4 hours a day to discuss topics we were studying together in a 2-year program.
This particular retreat was all about sīla (in Pali), or ethics. We’ll go into more detail in a bit, but the idea is that when you speak and act in alignment with your integrity (or ethics), you’re naturally happier. And it’s actually a form of love and what’s possible for the human heart and for our freedom, more than it is restrictive.
If you’re like me, and you may have had a less stellar feeling about “ethics” or “morals” in the past because they were presented in a more judgmental way (and perhaps viewed them more as a constraint or a sense of deprivation). I invite you to indulge me in this episode, because the way I talk about it here is totally different.
Also, I want us to enter into this topic with a lot of self-compassion and not use this as a way to beat ourselves up or shame ourselves. That is not the purpose of reflecting on our integrity – or that of others.
I’ve found that the topic of sīla can be lost in the West because it’s become a very relativistic kind of culture, and the thought of, “How come we’re not living from a place of compassion?” isn’t so … foundational. Instead, the focus is more on being able to do what we want, get what’s ours, and live the way we want to.
The way many of us have had ethics presented to us is different, too. Ethical guidelines are often presented like a list of things you must do without question, and you better not screw up or you’ll go to hell. The idea is you HAVE to do them...or else. And if you follow them, you’ll eventually be happy...waaaaay later, like when you die. And they tend to be paired with guilt and shame – which this is not the intention, IMO.
On the other hand, in the understanding of mindfulness and compassion and the tradition from which the practice of sīla comes, ethics are simply the laws of human happiness, and they’re pretty universal, and are directly paired with our ultimate freedom.
So it’s less “you shouldn’t do harm” and more that if you want to live a life of freedom, with a free heart and mind, a life of happiness, then this becomes critical as part of your practice, your mindfulness practice. This can feel uncomfortable, particularly for folks that come to mindfulness practice and want to keep it purely secular. But even in that context, it still matters, because you’re a human with an inherent desire to not cause others suffering. More on that in the pod.
We can mindfully look at our actions or past situations and sense, intuitively and directly, “Is this harmful to myself or others?” or “Is what I’m doing beneficial or harmful to myself or others?”
If we’re interested in this freedom and happiness – liberation - but we don’t have the foundation of ethics, we might find that at some point, we’re not going to move much further because we find that our insight and mindfulness practice can only take us so far if it’s not integrated into the rest of our lives, particularly in the relational aspect. How we interact with the world around us.
These powerful ethics are also deep in our DNA. No matter where you are in the world or what society you are a part of, our essential ethical concepts are very similar.
Another way to think of ethics is to call them our conscience. For the most part, all of us have an innate compass for this.
That’s not to say a child won’t lie steal a cookie every now and then. But the reality is that when we’re stealing a cooking, we also look around and worry about getting caught and don’t feel all that great when we’re stealing or lying. There’s something in us that knows what’s right and wrong from the beginning in some way.
And to acknowledge it and bring it into the field of mindfulness brings a kind of ease in times of potential confusion. It brings clarity and courage to life, as well. In the free Unshakeable Confidence course I teach (see below to access it), I talk about how living in integrity gives us more confidence since we walk through the world with nothing to hide.
Life will always bring dilemmas and issues to us, and cookie cutter solutions won’t suffice. But with a common agreement of acting in our integrity, ethics, conscience - whatever you want to call it - we don’t have to try to control the world around us as much.
There are 5 mindfulness trainings we can all undertake to really inhabit care for this world, sometimes known as precepts. And we know how important caring is at this time, right? For ourselves, and for others. Often they’re presented as things to NOT do. But Thích Nhất Hạnh presented these in ways of active action.
The first is “to cultivate compassion and learn the ways of protecting the lives of people, animals, and plants. It’s non-harming, or reverence for life.”
The second is “to cultivate lovingkindness and learn ways to work for the well-being of people, animals, and plants. To not steal and not possess anything which should belong to others.”
The third is “to cultivate my responsibility for my own sexual energies and actions and to learn ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society.”
The fourth training is “to cultivate loving speech and deep listening.” This one is all about mindfulness with our words.
The final training is “to cultivate good health, physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking and consuming.”
As you read these and think about them, ask yourself, which is harder for you to practice? Why might that be? Which ones feel easier?
That fifth one alone can be a source of enormous suffering. Every culture has ways of drinking, eating, and getting high in different fashions. Most people will try to alter their consciousness at some point. It’s not necessarily about abstaining from all of it. Instead, it’s about becoming mindful of the impacts of what we consume has on our awareness, our consciousness; how we act and how the impact on others; considering the benefits of moderation and not overconsuming or if, for us, perhaps it is best to refrain. This is not from a place of judgment but from us discovering this and deciding this for ourselves.
So, after reading all this, are you comfortable with the concept of integrity? Ethics? If not, what makes you uncomfortable? It’s an interesting question to reflect on.
And remember, this topic isn’t a mandate or a list of rules for you to abide by. It’s an invitation to reflect on it, take what works for you, and leave what doesn’t.
It’s an invitation to check it out for ourselves. They are suggestions for what has generally led to a more calm and peaceful and free mind and heart. I know as rebels, we tebd to not do well with being tol what to do and this is not that. We can test it out for ourselves and see if they’re right or not - ourselves.
What we’re talking about are the ways for us to understand, with mindfulness and compassion, how to be happy and live a life that has liberation of the heart and mind as a priority in the best interest for us and all of of humanity.
We don’t have to be perfect to change people’s lives.
I really appreciate this quote by the Dharma teacher Larry Yang. He says,
May I be loving, open, and aware in this moment;
If I cannot be loving, open, and aware in this moment, may I be kind;
If I cannot be kind, may I be nonjudgmental;
If I cannot be nonjudgmental, may I not cause harm;
If I cannot not cause harm, may I cause the least harm possible.
// The difference between ethics as a form of freedom vs restraint/moral judgment
// Why we need both wisdom and compassion
// The importance of not blindly accepting ethical recommendations but checking if they’re true for YOU
// Moving from ethics as not just a form of refraining, but also active acts of compassion
// How living in integrity gives us more confidence
// How ethics is not an abstract concept but is in our DNA as humans
// 5 mindfulness trainings we can undertake to find liberation of the heart and mind
Resources:
// Access the FREE Unshakeable Confidence training here https://www.anaverzone.com/unshakeable-confidence-training/
// If you’re ready to learn more about embracing all facets of yourself and your beliefs and heading into the next chapter of your life with a fresh, transformed start, head over to AdventureMastermind.com and apply for the Summer cohort. We have 2 altered states retreats, weekly coaching, virtual retreats, and more. I’ve got you!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in weekly when I go live on new topics.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level on your own time? To study it and practice it together with a group of people with the same goals of freedom, adventure and purpose? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
Hey hey, Rebels! This week will bring to you another Rebel Buddhist Greatest Hits Episode about how to live with contrasting beliefs… while I go on my long-awaited semi-silent meditation retreat. (I had almost canceled due to COVID, but I’m officially out of the risk window and tested negative!
I’ll be back with a new episode next week.
_
We are all complex beings, made up of contrasts. Discipline and wildness. Security and freedom. Worldly and divine.
There are dichotomies everywhere. It’s part of nature, and we are all a part of that.
Yet often we are asked to choose only one aspect of ourselves and lose or leave the other. And for many of us, our culture believes it’s hypocritical to stand with one foot in each contrasting space.
The place that deep work happens is often when we are recognizing and living in polarity. It’s where we change, evolve, and strengthen.
It’s like the image of the Taoist tai chi or yin-yang. That dividing line isn’t just straight down the middle. It curves so that the two sides are cradling each other, and each side has a small circle of the opposite color embedded within it.
You can’t have one without the other. Like light needs darkness, the polarizing parts of you need each other to exist.
We all spend more time in this space than we realize. Maybe we are super healthy, but we can’t resist a greasy fast-food meal once every now and then. Or we post all these outdoor journeys on social media, but spend a full weekend binge-watching Netflix in our PJs and don’t tell a soul. Many people live in gender fluidity for this reason – acknowledging the limitations of choosing one polarity or another.
So if it’s part of nature and part of life, why do we resist living in polarity so much?
Some people may say that we feel hypocritical, or that our integrity is compromised when we want to live between polarities. I challenge that.
Integrity is not about moral perfection. It’s about accepting the whole and not trying to divide who we are.
We all have many parts to ourselves, and I want to invite us all to spend more time becoming whole instead of trying to pick which aspects of ourselves are valid or not.
Allow yourself to have polarities, and integrate all the parts, instead of casting away parts of yourself.
There is another image that embodies this: the mandorla. It’s used to demonstrate the concept that there is a space of overlap between two seemingly-opposed or contrasting realities, thoughts, or beliefs. It looks similar to a Venn diagram, with two overlapping circles and a small almond-shape in the middle where they overlap.
When we stand in this center, in the mandorla (the term is Italian for “almond”), without seeing two seemingly dissonant concepts as mutually exclusive, we can start to be real. Whole. Authentic. Integrated.
We all feel that tension between poles. It’s difficult to live between them instead of just choosing one when our culture or society doesn’t support that. So sometimes we can feel like we know who we are, yet we also feel like we must not really know ourselves.
That tension can be so painful, and the reaction may be to escape that by fleeing to one pole or the other, or judging one aspect of ourselves and not accepting it. But if we run from that tension, we can’t do the deep work of becoming whole and living in true integrity.
This isn’t about a resolution of the tension or a compromise between the opposites. Rather, it’s about going full-on into the tension so we can experience the true reality of them existing simultaneously in our being.
So how can we explore this tension and experience that much-needed growth and wholeness? We can complete a mandorla practice, which I learned from one of my own mentors!
The full practice is outlined in the podcast, but below is an outline of the practice:
- Imagine (or draw) two large overlapping circles. Each circle represents one aspect of your life.
- Stand in one circle, face the other, and fully embody one pole of the opposing aspects. Make the best arguments for living/being THAT WAY.
- Step into the other circle and do the same with that opposing side.
- Keep going back and forth, switching when the tension is exhausting or unbearable.
- When you feel both sides have expressed themselves fully, sit in the middle (the mandorla) and feel the tension and pull from both sides.
Be mindful of what happens in your mind, in your psyche, and to changes in energy or physical sensations. As Bill Plotkin says, the goal is not to learn something, but to be changed.”
Keep doing the practice over and over. Eventually, you will realize that things are not as black-and-white as you thought.
It’s important to note that this practice isn’t to help you decide between two incompatible choices or come to a solution. It’s to trigger a dissolution of your identity.
So, what seemingly contradictory beliefs, thoughts, or aspects of your being do you have in your life that are difficult to reconcile?
Try out the practice and explore how you can truly embrace all parts of you.
And remember that you are human. Complex. And when we embrace the whole, that is when we are in full integrity.
In this Episode you will learn:
// Why we need to avoid putting ourselves into a box and casting out aspects of ourselves that seem contradictory
// How living in polarity is not hypocritical – it’s completely natural
// Why we must live in polarity to be whole and in integrity
// Why we feel tension for having opposite aspects within us, and how to overcome that
// How the yin-yang and mandorla symbols help us recognize our inner polarity and integrate them
// One practice to explore how we can embrace all parts of us
Resources:
// If you’re ready to learn more about embracing all facets of yourself and your beliefs, head over to AdventureMastermind.com and get on the waitlist for the next cohort – bonus sessions start in July.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
I had a recent client who had a really tough time with letting go of the “how” before allowing herself to be happy, relaxed, and free. Everyday she felt anxious and even downright panicked because she didn’t have “The Plan” for how to create the life she wanted.
I feel like all of us can relate to this, right?
We often want focus on how to create the amazing things we want. We decide what we want to create, then we spend a lot of time wondering about how it will work. The logistics of it all.
I can get really excited and even start dreaming about the steps I’ll take after I’ve created that thing. Like all of the programs and retreats I want to lead a few years from now. Kind of like wondering what you’re going to wear to the grammys… before writing the song!
We can also come from fear and start to focus on all the obstacles and dangers we need to avoid so that The Plan works out. We desperately feel that it needs to work, because we have put our happiness into the hands of The Plan working out.
This can be dangerous, becasue when things don’t go as planned, we panic again, because we believed the whole reason we were feeling okay before was because the plan was working. We thought that all was OK because it was a “good plan.”
When things don’t go as planned, we feel vulnerable and at risk again.
The main thought error here is the belief that we need to figure out the external elements (the items in The Plan) and change those in order to create what we want to create and feel how we want to feel.
But can we really even control what goes on in the world around us? In those external elements?
Nope. Otherwise… we’d probably be doing that. So it’s a common mistake to believe that shifting the external is THE solution to ending our suffering.
But because our minds haven’t changed, our beliefs haven’t changed, and therefore our feelings haven’t changed. So our actions don’t change and lo-and-behold, the results we create in life don’t change.
So, while changing the external world may result in a temporary reprieve from our old patterns of suffering, if we haven’t changed the internal world, we will inevitably create them again.
I’m not saying we don’t ever have to have a plan. But that plan should come from a place where we’ve done the internal work. From already having that ziji - that radiant inner confidence. When we have that ziji, the choices we make and the plans we create will be far more likely to sustain freedom.
Maybe someone leaves a relationship since they feel unappreciated, but when they enter the next relationship, they still expect that feeling to come from the other person’s actions, and when the other person doesn’t return text messages or constantly flatter them, they feel…unappreciated. Still. Because the internal hasn’t shifted - only the external.
Again, this is not to say you should leave an unfulfilling job/move to a different country/drop the toxic relationship. DO the thing. Plan for the future and think things through that amazing brain of yours.
The thing I want to invite you to avoid is thinking that will be the main reason you feel better.
If we don’t shift our thinking and beliefs to know how to feel that way now, before the thing we want to create happens, we will inevitably be disappointed and possibly set ourselves up for creating the same problem again.
And in that, we create our own suffering. But when we free our minds TO free our lives, that is true freedom.
So yes, we need to start close in. Inside.
David Whyte’s poem, Start Close In (check out the full episode to hear it!) talks about the need to with inside work by encouraging us to do 4 things:
So do the inner work. Do the thoughtwork, the coaching, the therapy… face your demons and reshape your beliefs about who you ARE and how you show up in the world.
Start there, and from there, you can create the plan. From there you can figure out the “how.”
One way to know what this is for you is to ask yourself, “How do I think I’ll feel when I achieve that goal/dream/lifestyle?”
That is how we want to feel. And how we want to feel drives most of our action in life, and how we feel in the moment drives the choices we make.
That is how sustainable, life-changing shifts happen. And this is why practices that help you first shift your mind ultimately lead to more success in helping you actually DO the things that will create meaningful changes in your life: Meditation. Mindful Movement. Retreats with integration. Plant medicine journeys. Thoughtwork…
So find those things and stick with those.
Free your mind, free your life. That is what will be worth your precious time, money, and life energy.
In this Episode you will learn:
// Why we spiral when we obsess over the “how” when creating our best lives
// How changing the external world can only result in temporary relief
// Why we need ziji first before making plans
// Why the key to permanent, sustainable change is starting inside
// 4 ways to “Stay Close In,” according to David Whyte
// One question you can ask yourself now to start your inside work
Resources:
// If you’re ready to start close in, head over to AdventureMastermind.com and get on the waitlist for the next cohort - bonus sessions start in July. We start close in. WAY in.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
In the past, I’ve talked a bit about imposter syndrome and why it totally makes sense that it arises because of the societal structure we live in (hello consumer-based, patriarchal society). Today, I want to share an amazing tool that I started to use to overcome my own imposter syndrome. Because yes… it still pops up.
And whether or not you have a business like me, imposter syndrome and self-doubt will arise in your life, too: in relationships, at work, or even when we plan a solo trip or try to learn a new skill… or go back to school after a long time. Really, it shows up everywhere. Especially when we aren’t getting enough sleep and we’re tired, or we aren’t eating well or not exercising enough.
But the sneakiest way that imposter syndrome can show up is when we downplay our own accomplishments.
We can easily lose sight of what we have accomplished and created… and how far we have come. When that happens, we just think that anything good has happened out of pure luck. That all of our success and accomplishment this far has been a fluke.
Or we attribute them to someone else: “They’re only dating me because they’re lonely.” Or “My resume looks good, but they’ll realize that in real life, I’m not all that great.”
But Ana, aren’t we supposed to be humble in our accomplishments? Well, yeah. Spiritually, we’re taught to not brag or be egocentric. But the difference here is intention.
Is your imposter syndrome keeping you from bringing your gifts to the world? Because, trust me, it really really needs them. Is it keeping you from loving yourself and seeing your true Buddha nature? Then that’s something to get on top of!
Doubt is part of the path.
If we look at the mindfulness model, then when we experience imposter syndrome, our accomplishment is in the C “circumstance” line. Our thought is, “it’s a fluke.” Our feeling is dismissive. Our action is to ignore our success and to downplay things or credit others.
And the result isn’t a surprise: We keep the shitty story about ourselves and our capabilities. That doubt spirals! Then what happens? We struggle to take effective action and commit to our practice and goals.
Then there are the systemic barriers I talked about in Episode 88 (link in the resources below): racism, misogyny, homophobia, classism… With these, we can become afraid to play BIG. To dream BIG. To aspire towards enlightenment. Because it’s dangerous.
What’s important at this point is to use mindfulness of thoughts so we can catch what’s going on in our brains when we feel these doubts. Then we can recognize that those thoughts are creating feelings like, “It was a fluke.” “It’s not a big deal.” I don’t belong here.”
Can you see how these thoughts can be sneaky? Maybe they look like modesty, but they’re actually invalidating our accomplishments and gifts.
So what do we do with this?
We can move our accomplishments from the C line (circumstance) to the R line (results). In other words, we acknowledge the results we’ve created and move UP the model. We can look at those results and ask ourselves, “What actions did I take to create this result?”
That question has been life-changing for me. It allows me to own that I actually created it.
Not owning what we’ve created isn’t a good thing. We need to own our accomplishments so we can see that we make a difference in the world.
So, seeing our accomplishments as results instead of circumstances (due to life happening to us), it builds a body of evidence that we created it.
And that result would have never happened without YOU.
So, if your find you’re doing a lot of self-coaching and meditating on your thoughts and it’s not getting your anywhere, try this exercise:
Identify an accomplishment that you aren’t taking ownership of. Then make a list of all the actions you took to create that result.
In this Episode you will learn:
// The sneakiest way imposter syndrome can show up in our lives.
// How imposter syndrome can hinder your spiritual practice and personal growth
// How to use the mindfulness model to change our thinking
// Why owning our accomplishments can make a difference in the world.
// One exercise you can do now to start owning your accomplishments
Resources:
// Episode 18: How to Coach Yourself - Applied Mindfulness
// Episode 88: Overcoming Imposter Syndrome
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at
. I can’t wait to see you there.
This week is Episode 100 of the Rebel Buddhist Podcast! If you’re new to the pod, then welcome! If you’ve been around for a while - welcome BACK!
Today, I want to talk about how to know if you’re making progress on your spiritual path. Often, we think we’re not, but it’s usually because we are attached to our expectations… how we think progress is supposed to look.
By now, I’m sure you’ve heard that being attached to expectations can really screw us in the end and make us pretty unhappy. Our personal growth path is no exception.
Spiritual stages are often depicted as this linear, simple, progressive route. You get from point A to B in the most efficient way. And that’s not fully wrong… but in the end, our path isn’t linear. At least, that’s been my own experience and observation. In fact, if we look at practitioners of any tradition, it’s challenging to find one which has a simple, linear path.
Still, we have this image that if we meditate enough, we’ll have this moment of bliss and feel connection with all and be forever changed. Just. Like. That.
And wouldn’t it be so convenient if the path to enlightenment was orderly and predictable and linear? But like any proper adventure, it’s filled with detours, landslides, or even avalanches that can block the road or send us on a detour for a good amount of time.
I’ve found that our path - when accompanied by practice - often looks more like an upward spiral. We don’t just transcend over an issue then never see it again, nor do revisit it over and over in the same way like a looping circle. Rather, we revisit the same teachings and lessons, but as we progress along that upward spiral, we have a different perspective, new skills, and a slightly different way of approaching it.
Sometimes, when I revisit a lesson in life, it’s like, “Really? I’m here again?” And it can be frustrating. But then I look closer and see that things are in fact different and I have made progress.
So we have to remember that revisiting challenges doesn’t always mean there is a lack of progress, because each time, we can reframe and respond to that situation differently. And we often do, which is apparent to us when we look closely.
We can’t capture freedom and just place it at a moment in time. Freedom is the journey itself. Like peeling back the layers of an onion or switchbacks on a mountain.
How can we know that we’ve made progress, even as we’re revisiting these old lessons and challenges over and over?
Phillip Moffitt once said to me, “You know you’re making spiritual progress if your suffering is of less intensity, less frequency, or shorter duration.
Notice he didn’t say that all 3 have to be present at once. The “or” in there is key. Sometimes, we just let go of something slightly faster, or we have a less intense emotional outburst, or we didn’t hold a grudge as long as last time.
These are celebrations that we often dismiss. Instead, we feel disappointed because we wish we hadn’t experienced that challenge ever again.
This past weekend at a business conference, one of the coaches told us “Massive Action won’t save you from the human experience.”
That’s what I think the Buddha was teaching in the Four Noble Truths about suffering. Here, it shows up here as your spiritual path won’t save you from the human experience. After all, part of the human experience is suffering. It’s part of the deal of being born in a body with this brain between our ears and being thrown into a world with a bunch of other humans who are doing this for the first time.
Another thing that I’ve noticed is that we tend to forget that progress is going to require practice in everyday life, not just in grand gestures. It’s a lifelong practice for a lifelong lesson. The lessons we revisit are really more like life lessons vs one-time challenges. We’re meant to get better at them over our lifetime (that spiral).
So yes, it’s also a long-haul deal. We have to do more than just read “shelf-help” books or attend workshops or retreats. We need to apply the work in our daily lives. In how we wake up, what thoughts we choose to bookend our day with. How we treat ourselves and others.
Finally, I want to remind you that the path is often not very pretty. Often, a successful meditation practice is the fact that you recognize that your mind is all over the place. That you get bored or distracted or start to doubt. Remember that it takes a minute to calm the mind! It takes practice. And there will be good days and bad days and all kinds of days in between.
Maybe this isn’t just something you deal with in your spiritual practice. Maybe you’re harsh with yourself and your progress in other aspects of your life, like your business goals, your relationships, or your art.
No matter where it appears in your life, if you’re judging your progress, then you’re going to miss the progress you are making. So let yourself celebrate the incremental progress you are making. Remember that it’s a gradual process and that small changes can have big future impacts.
It all counts, my friends. In fact, I bet you’re further along in your path than you ever imagined.
In this Episode you will learn:
// Why expectations can ruin our progress
// Why our path is less like a line and more like a spiral
// How revisiting challenges does not signify a lack of progress
// How to know you’re making spiritual progress – and progress in other areas of your life
// Why we can’t escape suffering and the human experience – even with tons of spiritual practice
// The importance of daily practice on our path
Resources:
// Episode 60: How to Avoid Unnecessary Suffering
// Episode 63: Being Human is Hard - the First Noble Truth
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
Are you confused about what your purpose is – your soul purpose? If so, this Episode is for you, because confusion about one’s purpose is often a sign of something more insidious going on.
I noticed a pattern in my Adventure Mastermind groups when people are confused about their purpose. It seems so...legit to say we are confused.
We can think, “I am so confused about what I’m supposed to be doing! I want to be clear first so that I don’t waste time, money and energy on the wrong thing. If only I was clear, I’d be able to take action and have the courage to take those risks you talk about.”
“If only I was clear.”
And it seems innocent enough. Of course we don’t want to waste time, money and energy on the wrong things.
People agree with us wholeheartedly: don’t quit the job, leave the relationship, start the biz, go back to school until you are absolutely clear.
But the sneaky truth is that when you get clear, then yeah – you will then need to start taking action and taking risks and – very likely – making people uncomfortable, disappointing some people, fail a few times, risk embarrassment or humiliation.
Hard things.
Remember: our brain evolved with the motivational triad of seeking pleasure, avoiding pain, and doing what’s easy. And living one’s soul purpose is often none of the above.
So being confused actually helps us stay comfortable and seemingly safe – even when we are also regretting we are not living our true purpose and authentic life.
Usually, my clients DO know what their purpose is. They just can’t believe that it’s worthy or that it is a viable way to live life.
Or they are very afraid of what would happen if they actually claimed their purpose because it is too...rebel of them.
You may know that I called this podcast Rebel Buddhist because learning how to free our minds so we can free our lives – instead of seeking freedom through something outside of us – is inherently a rebellious act. Siddhartha Guatama was a rebel of his time – going against what culture was encouraging, what his family was encouraging.
It is completely counter culture. Completely NOT what advertising and marketing and the consumer-based culture wants us to do and believe.
And when you look at most people who are living their purpose – which I totally get off on, BTW – it is often not something society is giving out any awards for in a widespread way.
The artists whose parents are always encouraging them to have a backup plan or maybe major in something else. The dirtbag climbers. The dancers. The documentary filmmakers. The writers.
Sure, at the highest echelons people give awards for these things. But in general, it’s not like culture at large jumps for joy when the announcement is first made of I am going to be a dirtbag climber or ski bum or tightrope walker (you have to watch Man on Wire).
Alex Honnold in the documentary The Alpinist, about the soul-driven alpinist Marc-Andre Leclerc, said something to the effect of people think free soloing is crazy. They think you’re a daredevil and dumb and an extreme risk taker but when it goes really well, you’re a hero.
Exactly.
So we often resist being clear about our purpose because what I’ve seen is that we realize we have a Rebel Purpose.
We have a kind of knowing about what it means we’ll need to do if we get clear about it. The risks we will have to take. The possible rejection. The likely failures along the way. The people we will disappoint and the difficult conversations we will need to have.
It's scary AF.
And this is why confusion about purpose is often an indulgent emotion. It keeps us safe in harbor, but as John Shedd said, that is not what ships are built for.
That is not what you were built for.
Confusion keeps us from committing and taking action and doing scary shit.
Have you been confused about your purpose for a long time? I’m willing to bet you DO know your purpose but it's a bit more rebellious than your brain is comfortable with – and what your family or society is comfortable with.
I know this was true for me. Graduating college – which my immigrant mother and disabled father had hoped would bring me a life of ease and abundance – to then work as a climbing guide starting at $55 a day and live out of my car. Not popular at first. But I was blessed that they didn’t argue with me to stop. (Thank you oodles, mom and dad!)
Later, leaving a full-time position at a lucrative healthcare practice to be a... life coach and altered states guide??!!!!!
But listen – culture is meant to evolve, and we are each are a key part of that.
I believe that this is why we each have our own soul purpose – to contribute in whatever way we are meant to to the evolution of culture expansion, of culture being more kind, compassionate, loving, creative, inclusive, diverse, exciting! For new ways of being in the world. Paradigm shifts. Radically new ways of being.
So if you’re finding your confused about your purpose – you're not alone. I’ve been there. Many of my clients (maybe all?) have been there.
Ask yourself, maybe, just maybe, am I actually clear, and it’s a Rebel Purpose that will make me – and everyone around me – uncomfortable when I claim it?
And listen to that still, small voice when it whispers, “Yes.”
In this episode you’ll learn:// How to spot if confusion is an indulgent emotion (spoiler alert - it almost always is)
// Why we'd rather be confused than clear
// The price we pay when we don't claim our soul purpose
// Episode 71: How to Find Your Purpose
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
You may have heard me say that being an entrepreneur can be filled with spiritual growth. I still believe this 100%. I have never expanded my comfort zone, dug deep with my limiting beliefs, learned to cultivate deep compassion for myself, and committed to serving others so much that I was willing to do scary shit as I have when being an entrepreneur.
Sure, my work in refugee camps in war zones and other challenging humanitarian environments helped me to act on compassion for others - but it was almost like that was part of my nature.
The growth I’ve had to undergo to run a business? Super NOT my natural state of being. Podcasts and social media and webinars…totally not my default way of being.
The things I have to do for entrepreneurship make me super uncomfortable all the time. More uncomfortable than climbing a peak on a 30 -day expedition without a shower. For realz.
One of the most important lessons I learned in business over the past year was how to stop hustling toward my goals. You know - the frantic scrambling and staying up all night during a launch and working on weekend and evenings to meet that quarterly goal and…ALL of that craziness.
For years I was taught that was how it was supposed to be. You had to buck up and deal. And I did. I’m good at powering through hard shit. But it almost led to me giving up. Even though I wanted to share my gifts with people so badly, I didn’t want to do it at a cost to my family and my health.
I started making this shift when I was working with Susan Hyatt, who I totally did not believe when she said the more fun you have the more money you make. But she was right.
In this episode, I want to share a model for how to stop the hustle cycle - which one of my other business coaches - Melanie Childers - taught me. It helped me make a lot of sense about why this actually works. But for you, I want to apply it outside of entrepreneurship and to show you how this can work for personal growth and your spiritual practice.
Now I know the phrase “hustle cycle” may be associated a lot with business and entrepreneurship or career, but trust me, we can hustle towards personal growth goals: a certain meditative state, or to have more patience, or less of a temper, or more self-compassion.
Or to attain enlightenment in this lifetime! (No pressure;)
I see attachment to the outcomes a lot with my clients. And it makes sense, right? Like, if you want to achieve your goal, being super attached seems like it will help motivate you.
But the ironic thing is the more attached we are, the less likely we are to take effective action towards our goals.
This is because when we feel that pressure, we enter into a stress cycle (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) whenever we hit a speed bump… and then we spiral, and we enter the Hustle Cycle.
This is especially true when we set a big goal because your brain sees the goal is possible once you’ve set it, and its job is to try to stop you and keep you safe…so it tries to stop you. After all, we evolved to be motivated to avoid pain, seek please, and do what’s easy. And big goals are none of the above! Even spiritual or personal growth ones.
So, what happens during those stress responses?
Folks who tend to freeze overthink everything (looping thoughts in the brain, or trying to consume more info instead ot take action).
Those of us who flee feel the pressure and look for ways to avoid it (overdrinking, over-Netflixing, get distracted by social media, eat, spend money…buffering.)
Those who tend to fight find ways to rebel against what needs to be done or take on all the burden and overwork. This is one of my defaults.
Lots of rebellion.
Those who tend to fawn lean towards people-pleasing.to avoid disappointing anyone or in attempts to avoid criticism or prove worthiness or enoughness.
No matter your stress response, we circle back around to self-doubts. We tell stories to ourselves that we aren’t enough,
THEN we get hella tired and burned out because this is so exhausting and we feel overwhelmed by it all, which feeds our self doubt.
The cycle repeats itself.
So how can you break the Hustle Cycle?
Here’s where Melanie helped me see why having more fun works: it helps us get out of the stress cycle. But there are a few steps to go through first.
One of the first things to do is to notice you’re in the hustle cycle. Hello mindfulness! Awareness. Mindfuless of thoughts, feelings, body. How are you feeling? How are you acting/What are you doing? Can you identify where are you in the cycle?
Just like we talked about identifying your early signs for when you’re not aligned (irritability, impatience, more tearful, more critical) - we want to identify our Hustle red flag warning signs.
Hustling behaviors - and when you’re hustling you’re not aligned - might look like consuming instead of creating (I need more courses, more podcasts, more degrees, more dharma talks! More advice!). Maybe we take reactive action instead of intentional action. We might have either/or thinking - I either achieve this goal or I’m screwed/not worthy. It can look like never resting, not unplugging. Feeling like you always have to be ON. Perfectionism. Taking on all the responsibility. Feeling out of control
Then, once we’re aware we’re hooked by the pressure and the shame and/or self doubt - we can use some other tools, like getting out of our heads and our stories and back into our body (I give lots of tips on this in the pod, like the 5-senses meditation). This takes us out of the stress cycle, and helps us take more effective action that feels good instead of hustle. So does self-compassion and being more kind to ourselves.
But listen, this next part is golden. If I can give you one single thing to take away from this, it’s this: To break that hustle cycle, you need to remove the pressure, which requires something rather counterintuitive: Detaching from the Goal.
I remember when Melanie gave us a challenge awhile back: make back what you invested in the program in the first month. Then she told us to release the goal and not worry about it.
Whaaat? I’m like… but isn’t a challenge inherently something to be attached to?
But she taught us that there are other ways to face that challenge without feeling that degree of pressure and forming an attachment to having to meet the goal. And that we’d be way more successful if we detached from it in this way.
I learned I could keep going and keep taking action and remain open to the whatever result I created because I’d learn from it - because I removed the pressure and was able to stay out of the stress cycle for more of the time.
Remember: when we’re in the stress cycle we are not taking effective action. When we release attachment to the goal, we remove the pressure and can take more effective action since we are out of the stress cycle.
This isn’t easy work. We have to feel safe to risk failing. Without this, the pressure is too strong, and the stress cycle is hard to avoid or to exit. This is where we can ask: “What am I making meeting - or not meeting - this goal mean about who I am?” Usually it’s not a safe place when we’re having those thoughts, and we have a lot of judgment about if we don’t meet it and a lot of relying on what other people think about us if we do achieve it.
We can remind ourselves we are more than our goal(s). We are more than our achievements. We are 100% valuable and lovable and worthy as we are. Right now. We are safe, right now. The Universe doesn’t send us anything we can’t handle.
So, when it comes to a goal you’ve set for yourself - a certain mindset you want to embody more, progress to a certain stage on your spiritual path, a health goal, a financial or career goal… think about if you are in the hustle cycle and where you’re at in it.
Then, have an exit plan. Release attachment to the goal, which will release the pressure and get you out of the stress cycle. Instead, make being fully present in the process your goal, the journey the goal. Remind yourself you are safe - no matter what comes of this goal. And…think about how can you make this goal more FUN.
In this Episode you will learn:
// The most important thing to do to break the Hustle Cycle
// Why attachment to outcomes actually hinders our ability to achieve our goald
// The 5 parts of the Hustle Cycle
// How the stress response we feel when hustling keeps us stuck
// How to create an exit plan for the Hustle Cycle
// The difference between hustling and more sustainable ways of being with our goals
Resources:
// Episode 62: Commitment and How to Take Massive Action
// Episode 66: How to Fail Perfectly
// Learn more about Melanie Childers here
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live.
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
To a lot of people, the words psychedelic and spiritual are paradoxical. But the use of psychoactive substances in shamanic, religious, and spiritual practices is found throughout history, with evidence from thousands of years ago. In this episiode, we will be talking about psychedelics and spiritual practice and if there is a helpful role for them…or the potential harm.
Let’s start with some definitions:
Psychedelics are a class of psychoactive substances that produce changes in perception, mood and cognitive processes. They affect all the senses, altering a person's thinking, sense of time and emotions.
There are also entheogens, which are typically of plant origin, that are ingested to produce a non-ordinary state of consciousness for religious or spiritual purposes.
Some examples of both are psilocybin mushrooms, ayahuasca, ketamine, 5-MeO-DMT, cannabis,, LSD, MDMA… and many more.
I’ve used psychedelics in clinical settings and have found them to have a unique place in the treatment of mental health disorders. But I’m personally very interested in their use for spiritual purposes. Especially because, in my own clinical experience, many mental health issues have a strong root in spiritual and existential challenges.
So when we really look at the intention for spiritual practice or use of psychedelics, Buddhism and psychedelics share something in common: finding that which frees the mind. There are probably a good amount of Buddhists who would say it’s a gateway to a spiritual path, which I certainly agree with (and there’s also many who would disagree).
At my alma mater, Johns Hopkins University, there has been decades of research in the use of psychedelics for a variety of purposes, showing promising results in many areas. They’ve done studies with long-time meditators as well as those who didn’t have a previous spiritual practice.
One study by Rolland Griffit’s et al. in 2018 wanted to see if the changes noted after receiving psilocybin in personality and other traits were enduring for people without a previous spiritual practice…and not just the short-term result of a great trip.
The results were impressive. I got into more details about the study in the pod, but after 6 months, the groups who received high-dose psilocybin and support for spiritual practice showed large significant positive changes long-term when compared to a placebo group (low dose psilocybin) that also received spiritual practice support. The areas of improvement include interpersonal closeness, life meaning/purpose, forgiveness, daily spiritual experiences, and community observer ratings (how others rated them, not just how they saw themselves…to make sure the changes weren’t just perceived by the participant but that others could tell there was a shift as well).
So this - and other studies - show that psilocybin can influence long-lasting /enduring increases in positive spcial attitudes/behaviors and in healthy psychological functioning.
Isn’t that so fascinating?
I want to mention here that there’s a big difference between recreational use of psychedelics and intentional use of psychedelics.
I had my own first experience with LSD when I was 15 years old and experimented with it a lot over the course of a few years. That first experience forever changed the way I saw the world - it helped me see that my beliefs and the way I perceived the world was through many filters and that the ideas I had about separation of myself and others were false, and there was a mystical unity to our existence.
I also had - at a later experience - a mystical near-death experience that changed the way I perceived death (and was a lot less fearful of it).
And my difficult experiences (aka “bad trips”) gave me insight into the way my brain could loop and perseverate on things…and how important my mindset was in how I experienced the world.
I had done so many psychedelics by my late teens that I went another 20 years before using them again (I spent that time integrating my insights with many life-changing experiences). When I decided to bring them back into my life again, it was with much more intention, and for entheogenic purposes.
So, while there were some enduring effects for me with recreational use, in my own experience and in my subsequent guiding of altered states experiences, intentional use is a very different experience.
There are several factors we take into account and implement when we intentionally use psychedelics. The mindset of the participant and the guide, the setting, which substance to use and the dosing, the skillset of the guide itself.. and post-experience situation/support as well.
When we skillfully put these things together, I do believe there can be a great benefit.
It’s not just about having a great experience, but also support in integrating what arose during the experience and integrating that into our day-to-day lives.
There’s a high risk of using psychedelics as a way to escape the challenges of life. We can see this with almost anything that helps us feel better than sitting with a difficult emotion or experience - it happens with meditation, too. I like to remind myself and others to not chase after that meditative bliss experience, because it will be elusive, and that it’s a good practice to let go of the attachment and craving.
So…what are psychedelics and spiritual practice (particularly Buddhist practices) contradictory? What often comes up in this discussion are the Buddhist precepts.
These precepts are 5 ethical guidelines are considered the foundation for successful practice because they help to calm the mind and have it be in the est state for meditation and spiritual practice (not lying, not stealing, not killing, no harm from sexual misconduct). The fifth precept is often discussed here: I undertake the precept to abstain from liquor that causes intoxication and indolence.
So here it specifically says alcohol and not other substances. And some people take it literally and others say well, it’s more complicated in modern times and we probably was meant to include all miind-altering substances.
Is this…wise? Compassionate?
Some people take precepts very literally, especially in early Buddhism and in many Theravedan schools. Like literally not lying under any circumstance. But in other traditions - like Mahayana or Vajrayana - look at it slightly differently, with prioritizing the concept of skillful means and compassion for others as the primary intention.
A common example is with not lying. If you’re hiding an innocent person in your house, and someone comes to kill them and asks if they’re in there, is it OK to lie? The Bodhisattva vow would say you break the precept to help the person.
Thinking this way, when we are asking this question about psychedelics and spiritual practice, we can consider is it beneficial - ultimately - to our compassion and ability to help others? At this point, do we have the wisdom to inform this? How does a perspective impact our ability to show up in the world and make it a better place as we walk in it?
What is our intention?
This is why I feel strongly about the intention of spiritual growth.
And of course, we have to have wisdom along with the compassionate intention, because us silly humans can fool ourselves. We can convince ourselves something is beneficial when we don’t have the wisdom to make that call yet…but we really want it to be beneficial;) So we have to tread with integrity over these waters.
You know, I used to wonder if after a psychedelic experience, people would later feel, “Oh it was just the medicine, the drug”... but what I’ve found - at least with guided journeys - is that it’s more an affirmation of truth, and experience of truth. The veil has been lifted.
And my hope is that it does encourage more spiritual practice and more dedication to the practice. The science is supporting this.
It’s like taking a helicopter ride up to summit instead of a slow climb - to see the view to see if it’s worth it, what’s possible. To help one commit to the slow climb that is to come.
After the glimpse or the affirmation, we then continue with the traditional practices instead of trying to grasp at that initial insight again - striving for the meditative bliss experience or having another psychedelic journey.
So do I think there’s a role for psychedelics in spiritual practice? Absolutely. AND psychedelics are not for everyone.
I believe in appropriate screening and assessment because there are medical and psychiatric contraindications and situations where they just won’t be as beneficial.
AND I strongly believe in the importance of integration - with a coach or therapist who is trained specifically in psychedelic integration (there are also communities that have this support built in, like the Burner community or the Santo Daime church.
It’s not just about the journey if you want a higher chance of success at enduring benefit for you and those you come into contact with.
Lastly - and this is important - you don’t “need” psychedelics for spiritual growth. What you need is 100% within you. Right now. But they can be a safe, helpful tool along the way in the right context.
Until next week, rebels…Free your mind!
In this episode you’ll learn:
// Are psychedelics and entheogens the same thing?
// The difference between recreational and intentional use
// How science support that intentional use of psychedelics can create long-term positive changes in mindset, personality, social behavior, and spiritual practice
// How psychedelics can be used to benefit spiritual practice
// How to avoid using psychedelics as an escape or a temporary high
// Whether Buddhism and psychedelics are actually contradictory in nature
// Why integration is key in seeing positive long-term effects of psychedelic use
Resources:
// Buddhism and Psychedelics 3-part YouTube Series: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
// Zig, Zag, Zen: Buddhism and Psychedelics edited by Alex Grey & Allan Badiner
// The Secret Drugs of Buddhism by Michael Crowley
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live.
// If you’re in need of a powerful pause and ready for some re-alignment, shake up your life with the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-BS group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way. Six months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!) that will have you blowing your own mind, and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com. Check it out – application is open, with an amazing limited-time bonus of a plane ticket credit to one of the retreats! You won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of your amazing life!
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
So many humans are on edge right now. A lot of this uncertainty has been going on since before the pandemic and this recent war… and there will be unrest and epidemics all over the world at any given time.
I say this not to diminish what is going on, but to remind you that this week’s topic can be of benefit at all times, because there is never any predictability or guaranteed security. Impermanence is a law of nature. But we can still find a way for us to best navigate and stay human amidst it all. To stay connected to our humanity.
I’ll be sharing some evidence-based tips to help you still your mind and build the resilience to be present with the world in these uncertain times - and take care of yourself as well.
One of the first things I want to recommend is a news cleanse.
As humans, our brains didn’t evolve over millennia incorporating knowledge of the entire world and its issues. People have discussed the burden of being overwhelmed with day-to-day life since long before the rise of television and mass media.
Knowing that we weren’t really wired for all this doesn’t mean we should ignore the suffering or tune it out. It means we can allow it in intentionally and practice self-care to manage it. We can titrate how we receive it.
I personally remember not learning about 9-11 until three days later. And to me it seems ok that I learned about it not at the EXACT moment it occurred.
When you’re on a news cleanse, try to limit how much time and where you spend scrolling about news. I like to choose one or two reliable sources that do fact-checking and have a good reputation worldwide to be less biased than other sources.
Try not to check the news every day, or at least just check in once a day, and definitely not first thing in the morning. Or maybe only check it a couple times a week. Or avoid news completely for a few weeks altogether! The world will still keep happening and you will be able to catch up.
Another thing we can regularly practice is a social media detox.
I know it’s been mentioned before, but it’s hard to actually do. Don’t worry - you can totally start small. You can avoid all social media - or even delete or hide the apps - for as long as you want: a week, half a day, whatever! Anything will make a difference.
Imagine spending an entire day present with who you’re with, what you’re doing, the beauty around you… all without constantly checking your phone.
And when you do this for longer amounts of time, you’re able to move past the initial phase of FOMO. And you’ll get to drop in more.
I also highly recommend not checking email first thing in the morning.
This has made a huge difference in my day. When we check our email early in the AM, it can throw us out of alignment for the rest of the day. For me, I get so much email anxiety reading an ambiguous subject line from someone I’m working with or seeing the first few lines of an email on my phone. I even found out about my mom’s death via facebook messenger.
Before we allow outside news and communication to enter our mental space, we should first practice self-care. Then, whatever arises, we will be more able to respond with clarity, wisdom, and compassion - than had we not first gotten into alignment.
One thing we can do instead of checking our phone or email is to start off the day with 3 gratitudes, which really helps set a great tone for our mindset of the day. Check out Episode 81 on the importance of a daily routine for some great tips on ways to start your day off in alignment (linked below in the resources).
Also, when it’s time to check your messages, remember that no emergencies are sent by email. Sure, people will freak out and want stuff handled ASAP, but that does not make it an emergency. They can wait. Or they can call.
There are other tips I share in the pod, but The last suggestion I want to share here is to spend time in nature.
This is my most fave thing to do from this list. Time in nature really healed me from the super messed up week I talked about in the last episode. I went camping with a friend and once we arrived and got set up, I was able to just chillax. I watched the waves and the kids playing. I listened to the birds, the wind, the ocean… And I didn’t listen to any music.
Nature allows me to quiet my mind, heal, and pray. It helps my busy and noisy brain to slow down and quiet down.
I did a course with Alex Franzen called Marketing Without Social Media and she talked about the 3-day effect. Basically, this guy who used to be a river rafting guide would notice that on day 3 of his trips, there would be a shift in energy of the group. He called it “third day magic.” He believed this occurred because it took 3 days to drop into a new reality. That it took 2 full days to “shed” civilization and allow a new perspective to set in.
Neuroscientist David Strayer agreed with this phenomenon when he noticed that he had some of his own best ideas arising after 3 days of camping in nature. He even did a study to test the 3-day effect and what he found was that at the end of a trip, if people are given a special word association test, those who experienced that 3-day effect performed 47% better. Which is HUGE. This study was replicated in different settings by different researchers too.
While time in nature helps you be more creative and productive, I share this more to help you be more human. A human BEING and not just a human DOING.
Look, I get that all of these things aren’t necessarily convenient. And they can be really hard to start to do - especially with the amount of time we spend on social media or just using our phones in general and the expectations people have. But you need this now more than ever. You need to unplug. Cleanse. Take care of yourself. As humans, the level of this inundation of information is relatively new. We need to help our brains handle it.
So I’d like to invite you to pick at least one of the suggestions and implement it for a day (or 3 days, if you’re going out into nature). Do it regularly, plan in advance. Think of it as an exercise. Make it part of what you do to live your best life in this wild new world.
Do this regularly, because we need to give our brains a break so we can handle living in this wild new world. While being a human is amazing and we can cultivate the capacity to handle a lot in this world, we are…only human. Allow yourself this time to rest your mind and still your soul so you can make the most of your rebel life.
In this Episode you will learn:// How to manage fear in a life full of uncertainty and impermanence
// 5 ways to find your center no matter what is happening in the world
// Why avoiding media (and emails!) first thing in the morning is so beneficial
// What the “3-day effect” is and how it helps us connect to our humanity and calm our minds (and yes - have more creativity too!)
Resources:// Episode 60: How to Stop Unnecessary Suffering
// Episode 63: Being Human is Hard (The First Noble Truth)
// Episode 81: The Importance of a Daily Routine
// The Nature Fix: Why Nature Makes Us Happier, Healthier, and More Creative by Florence Williams
// The 3-Day Effect Podcast by Florence Williams
// Statistics on daily time spent social networking
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live.
// If you’re in need of a powerful pause and ready for some re-alignment, shake up your life with the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-BS group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way. Six months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!) that will have you blowing your own mind, and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com Check it out – application is open, with an amazing limited-time bonus of a plane ticket credit to one of the retreats! You won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of your amazing life!
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
Last week, after DAYS of countdowns and chaos, my daughter and I packed up, grabbed the dog, and got on a flight to Hawaii. We were already over the Pacific ocean when the pilot announced they would have to turn around because of issues with their communication system.
So we fly back, get in line for another plane, and then I get called up to the gate agent, who told me I couldn’t be on the next flight because my dog had to be on a flight that landed before 11:30pm.
Uh oh…
I’m already exhausted and sleep deprived. Now someone is telling me that my backup plans won’t work either (and, by the way, what they were telling me didn’t even make sense because I had all the paperwork AND a message from my vet confirming the midnight arrival time was good to go).
And this person is asking me to process this and make a decision… all while out of alignment.
When the agent told me my next flight option was four days later and my daughter started crying, I lost it. I started freaking out - my head felt like it would explode, my breath got short and shallow, a threw in some f*cks and sh*ts…and now I’m the a-hole who is raising her voice at airline staff.
And the piece of me that meditates was reminding me to calm down, so I’m throwing out phrases like, “I’m not made at you…just the situation but…f******ck!” I was SO upset.
To make a long story short, the woman finds us a non-direct flight, which makes our 6-hour journey into a 36-hour one… and we get there in once piece and the vet checks off the boxes so my dog is good to go. And BTW the vet also said she asked aroun and never heard that rule (you know me…I like to be right;).
After all that, what I noticed was a lot of shame. Shame for how I responded, for having people see me that upset. For being a poor role model for my kid.
It’s so important for us to realize when we’re out of alignment and to know how to get back into alignment… and what to avoid until we’re good to go again.
Let’s start by looking at the signs of us being in or out of alignment. Think of it like a scale of -5 to +5. Being in +1 or +2 feels calm, confident, and centered. +5 is positive, confident, grounded, energetic. SUPER in alignment.
For me, the -1 and -2 have me being more impatient and irritable, and -5 is like full on raging.
When we’re in the negative, it may sometimes feel desperate - like I have to figure it out NOW and solve this problem now. But it will be way more effective if we take time to get aligned again.
Once we can notice those small indications of being out of alignment, we might also notice thoughts, behaviors, emotions and sensations that show up: critical self-talk, pessimistic thinking, and buffering behaviors (like reaching for another glass of wine or eating junk food for that dopamine hit).
Mindfulness of those thoughts is helpful because it’s often the thoughts we have about that stressful thing that throws us way out of alignment. It’s also a reciprocal relationship because the thoughts that come up are often impacted by how aligned we are too.
Once we have the mindfulness of thoughts, then before we process a situation or make decisions, or give OR receive advice, we ideally try to get back into alignment.
The key here is to change your physiology as soon as you notice, because hitting that -5 puts us in that fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode - a trauma response for many of us - and it is hard to recover when we are way down on the scale.
Resetting ourselves helps us to gain a wider perspective, a more creative and compassionate perspective.
There are a lot of ways you can calm that nervous system. Relaxation breathing, splashing cold water on your face, taking a walk outside… and definitely using a self-compassion practice!
In addition to learning how you get out of alignment, it’s also helpful to notice when someone else is out of alignment. They are not in the place or process to have a conversation with you or make decisions or give you feedback when out of alignment.
If we could all see that and empathize with them and have compassion for them, that would be a game-changer, right? And isn’t that what we all want for ourselves? To be given the benefit of the doubt?
And of course, we will all mess up. But we can learn from it. We can continue to practice and try to do better next time.
Having compassion for ourselves won’t absolve us of responsibility, but it will help us see our humanity.
So listen: next time someone is lashing out, don’t listen to the words or the drama. See what happens when you listen to the suffering.
I’d love it if the world gave me the benefit of the doubt. Wouldn’t you? If you trusted that they’d be like, “Wow she must be tired, or have had a hard day.”
And because we know that we’d love it if the world gave us the benefit of the doubt, maybe we can do it more for others.
We can say, “I choose alignment. I choose to give them the benefit of the doubt. I choose to give myself the benefit of the doubt.”
As Ram Dass said, we are all walking each other home.
In this Episode you will learn:
// Why we shouldn’t make decisions + give OR receive advice out of alignment
// How to learn your own signs of being out of alignment
// Why thoughts and emotions are so critical in the cycle of mis-alignment
// How taking a pause can help us realign + some examples of ways to do that
// The importance of self-compassion + holding compassionate space for others
// How to proactively stay in alignment
Resources:
// Episode 44: The Power of the Pause
// Episode 51: Self-Compassion
// House cat vs Serval Video (Facebook link)
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live.
// If you’re in need of a powerful pause and ready for some re-alignment, shake up your life with the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-BS group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way. Six months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!) that will have you blowing your own mind, and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com Check it out – application is open, with an amazing bonus of a ticket credit to one of the retreats, and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of your amazing life!
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
Hey, my wild and whacky humans! Well, life rarely goes as we expect, right? This week, it was my travel plans that were affected… on my way to my home in Hawai’i, no less!
So in solidarity of the absolute chaos I’ve been attempting to weather this week, I wanted to bring you a new Rebel Buddhist Greatest Hit: The Power of the Pause. Because we could all use a moment to stop, take a breath, and re-align these days!
I’ll be back next week with a new episode where I dive even deeper into why we need to realign before we react to anything - and how I was so, so, so naughty on this recent misadventure. I think #AdultTantrum would be a good hashtag. More next week. Enjoy!
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When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was in graduate school, living in a friend’s basement. Suddenly, I was overcome with nausea, and I felt…awful. Instead of being with that, my brain went into planning mode. I started researching the web for answers and networking about creating an action plan. There was no pause, just diving into control mode.
Thankfully, my years of meditation practice kicked in and reminded me to pause. I noticed a big void. Then, big emotion. I started crying. I went to talk to my friends upstairs. I curled up in their bed and told them I had cancer. They hugged me as I cried.
I’ll never forget that. The intensity of letting myself pause, the tidal wave of emotions, the relief of finally BEING with what was happening at the moment… being with it fully and authentically.
Later in my life, I was a new nurse in a Level 1 Trauma Center at a busy urban hospital in California. I remember so clearly seeing my first death – an older man who had a heart attack at home came in by ambulance, and whose wife was still en route. After I completed my assigned duties, I went to the head of the bed while the busy resuscitation attempts were going on, and held his head in my hands, “It’s OK. I’m here. Everyone is doing everything they can. I am here for you. You are in the best hands possible. You just do what you need to do.” I told him he was loved, and it would be OK.
The time of death was called. I did a fast debrief with the team, then stayed behind for a moment as others left to deal with pressing cases.
I paused. I prayed. And then I left the room.
This pause allowed me to feel in my body and my soul that he was a being, a fellow human being. Just like me.
I also recall pausing during joyful events, like when I gave the blessing of food at a friend’s wedding. I felt what was needed was a pause for reflection on the reason for the event: a sacred union, a commitment, a community bearing witness, and an honoring… and a coming together on a beautiful day with an abundance of food made by everyone in attendance.
We all sense these moments and the need to pause when we encounter them. We really touch into kind of a natural lightness, presence, intelligence, creativity…
Today I wanted to talk about pausing and learning to pause, especially in times of stress, because that’s when we most need to pause.
There are two large reasons it’s hard to pause:
We are part of a culture of DOING. Staying busy is a habit —human doing vs. human being.
Doing is driven by the primitive brain. “Something is wrong… something is missing.” “I need to DO something to get ready/get it.” These thoughts permeate our days
If you’re like me and enjoy trips out into nature, you know that piling logs onto a fire doesn’t make it bigger. It instead becomes too much; there is no room for oxygen to get in. The fire may never catch, even with an abundance of wood. Instead, we should pay attention to the spaces in between. Give fire this space, and it will grow.
The limbic brain controls our primitive instincts. It is hard to pause before those “doings.” We need to control and manage threats. Of course, there ARE threats that we should act on/avoid. But we get hooked on that action. We think there is ALWAYS SOMETHING – locked into incessant doing. Just the way the fire needs air and space to burn brightly, for our lives to burn brightly, we also need some space, right?
We sleep as a physical pause. We also need to pause mentally.
The challenge is that when stopping goal-oriented activity, we feel the vulnerability there. It doesn’t always feel good.
I’ve noticed that as I pause more and open to what IS – to the vulnerability of caring so damn much and seeing the suffering of all beings and having heartache… and to the light dancing on the water, the softness of my kid’s skin, and the sweetness of her voice… I cry a lot more. It can be achingly beautiful. We should be willing to sit and be present in the discomfort of the pause.
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It’s part of American culture that being busy often equals importance. Or constantly doing equals adventure. And being stressed/busy triggers feeling threatened, which leads to aggression. This is a hijacking of the limbic system. It can create distance between loved ones and us.
The same goes for addictive behaviors. We give in to cravings and bad habits. We also see it in spiritual life. We want to find a specific feeling or meditative state instead of just feeling now. Or in today’s “busyness,” texting, checking emails, always being “on.” We fear the void that the pause brings. What if people judge me? It creates more distance.
So, when we don’t pause – to see what REALLY is happening either inside us or outside of us and in others – we don’t show up in a way we are proud of.
Viktor Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” That freedom includes love and wisdom.
So then… HOW do we pause?
There is the archetypal pause: The Buddha rested under the Bodhi Tree and was enlightened. He saw WHO we all are in our essence: our compassion, loving hearts, inner radiance.
While all of meditation is a pause as we intentionally step out of our habitual doing, continuing meditation involves being distracted by thoughts, becoming aware we have gotten distracted, and then sinking back into non-doing. It’s a cycle. It’s how we practice pausing—getting better in meditation = getting better at the moment, at the pause.
It is the same when we feel triggered and when we get hooked and want to react. Meditation helps us notice the space between a stimulus and a response – and allow us to pause in that moment.
The gift of mindfulness is with what is here, with recognizing the connection between our identity and the world. It allows us to respond to the world with wisdom and see suffering in others, ourselves, and also to see beauty. We find Ziji – radiant inner confidence – within us. We are with what IS. We have opened ourselves to choice, creativity instead of reactivity. That is the power of the pause.
Experiment now and take this moment to pause. Bring it to a situation where you get hooked. Remember the situation as an observer, like someone watching a movie. See what triggers you. Then pause right before you would normally react.
In that pause, breathe. Notice your body. Experience the vulnerability when you observe this moment.. Bring kindness and attention to the pause – let go of judgment. And let it include attending to the other person too.
What do you notice about their vulnerability, insecurities, unmet needs?
How would you like to respond during this triggering event in the future? How can you show up in true mindfulness, compassion, and wisdom?
Doing this in real life is a lot harder than visualizing an event. Continue to practice on your own, and you’ll be more ready when people become involved. The pauses will give you access to those qualities that are part of your true nature – that deep intelligence and love and creativity that is our nature – in all of us.
This also helps us create some space to let what needs to happen, happen.
The same process also unfolds on a more societal and global scale. When people from diverse backgrounds pause together and deepen being present with one another, we have more possibility to see past the fear and the surface words and actions and remember: Oh, just like me, you too want to love and be loved. This is so greatly needed in the world right now.
It’s a radical thing – a rebellious act… to have that intention not to keep doing anything, not controlling anything… to say YES to experiencing life completely awake, senses wide open with a non-doing presence. And to create sacred moments throughout your day to consciously cultivate this.
For you rebels, set the intention for more pauses. Throughout the day, pause, and breathe. 20 seconds.
See what happens in your life when you pause like this. It could change… everything.
In this Episode you will learn:
// Two HUGE reasons it’s so hard to pause
// The power pausing has in your life and society
// The dangers of not pausing
// How to practice pausing daily
Resources:
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live.
// If you want to take a powerful pause, shake up your life with the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-BS group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way. Six months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!) that will have you blowing your own mind, and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com Check it out – application is open, with an amazing bonus of 1:1 coaching with me (expires soon!), and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of your amazing life!
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
If you’re new to the squad, you may not have heard about my weekly live streams every week in the Rebel Buddhist Facebook group. They’re called “Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday,” and since they’re in the morning for most of us in the U.S., a lot of people think the name is because I’m a morning person and I really love to wake everyone else up with explicatives like, “Hey! Wake the F*ck Up!”
While I often start the live stream that way, it isn’t why I named it that. That story starts over a decade ago.
I was at the peak of a lot of areas of my life. I had been accepted to the #1 school for my program, I had been offered a contract as a climbing guide in Alaska. I was married to my first husband who was a great guy. My relationship with my mom was on the mend, and my dad was relatively stable…
Life was good.
Until one night when I met up with my then-husband to go climbing and grab dinner. I drank one beer and had some fish and chips, and that evening I was in the fetal position on the bathroom floor and in an insane amount of pain. I took some meds, and they helped a little, but the pain was still there, so when I got back to San Francisco, I immediately went to UCSF and was scheduled for an abdominal ultrasound.
The next day I had my ultrasound, and when the tech said, “I’m going to get the doctor who will be right in,” I knew that it wasn’t good. There was no smiling. No, you’ll hear back from your primary care doc in a day or two.
The doctor explained that I had a cyst on my kidney, and the chances of it being cancerous was low, but I should get a CT scan. A few weeks later I got the scan and… it’s clearly cancer. And everyone is shocked.
So of course, I do a big search engine deep dive about my cancer, and it says that only 5% of people with my type of cancer live past 5 years.
There’s a lot more story to this, but we will skip ahead a bit and say the stars aligned and I managed to advocate for a new surgery (I was even written up as a case study), which truly saved my life.
So when I had my surgery and was told I was in for a long recovery time of chill and rest, and when I was in fear about the cancer returning, I realized that I didn’t have a true realization of the teachings from my long-term Buddhist practice and meditation on death and impermanence.
I had a fierce attachment to my life as it was, and I was worried I would become seriously depressed if I couldn’t climb or adventure again or if my brain and intellect was permanently altered.
Ultimately, my cancer became a path for me to discover how to source happiness from within me. It sounds cliché, but only if you haven’t had it happen to you. This was sourcing a type of happiness that no illness or IQ drop could take away from me.
Fast forward a bit: I was cancer free for several years, working a dream job catching babies, learning to be a life coach, and getting regular scans each year.
After one of my regular scans, I get a voicemail from my oncologist, asking me to call him back - which I immediately do. They told me I had to wait until Tuesday to speak with him, which seriously stressed me out… I had to wait a whole weekend for my results!
During that weekend, I did a coaching class where I volunteered to be coached in front of the group. I opened up about my fear of dying and immediately started crying. I wasn’t ready yet.
Then the coach, Sabina Wyss, who was like a freaking Jedi that day, put on a timer for 2 minutes and told me that I had until that timer went off to tell everyone in the room what I wanted to say, eye-to-eye. And at the end of that time, I would be dead.
All my barriers fell down, and I surprised myself by yelling out, “Wake the f*ck up! You’re going to die, and you don’t know when! Don’t live a life with regrets. If you want to tell someone you love them, tell them!
Forgive them. Hug them. Make love to them. Stop pushing away those who want to love you.
Let go of the anger and the resentment and the hate and the fear. Stop thinking you can do it later or some other day. Wake the f*ck up. You’re going to die and you don’t know when.”
At the end, I was spent, exhausted, and crying, with snot all over… but I said what I felt was the most important thing I could say to that group.
And you know what, rebel?
That hasn’t changed to this day.
That’s why today, over a decade later, I have the “Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday” live stream every week. It’s why I designed the Adventure Mastermind around becoming intimate with this truth.
It’s why I coach and have this podcast and created Freedom School.
In my opinion, if you live a life of adventure and do cool shit without the tender preciousness that comes with knowing this life is fleeting and temporary… you’re missing out on a whole new level of presence and joy and connection.
It’s a bit ironic or paradoxical that in thinking about our death, our life becomes more infused with life. With presence and love and kindness. But it is true.
I don’t want YOU to have to wait for a Universal two-by-four to hit you upside the head before you start taking the preciousness and fleeting nature of this life as a sacred privilege - every day.
So yeah - let’s all wake the f*ck up. Now. Because the truth is, we don’t know how much longer we’ll be here. And when we embrace that, we live life with a helluva lot more vitality, passion, love, compassion, adventure, joy… and a whole lot less unnecessary suffering.
In this Episode you will learn:
// The one thing I need the world to know before I die (hint: it’s to wake the f*ck up!) - and why
// Why you shouldn’t wait for something like the Big C (cancer, or an accident or severe illness etc.) before doing the soul work.
// Why knowing we are only here for an undetermined amount of time is not scary – it's enlivening.
// How my cancer diagnosis taught me to let go of the sh*t that doesn’t matter
// How you can wake the f*ck up… and why you need to do it RIGHT NOW
Resources:
// Episode 9: Impermanence, Death, and Other Sexy Things
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll also get access to the Rebel Buddhist FB group, and tune in every Wednesday at 11:30am PST as I go live.
// If you’re ready to *truly* know yourself – all of you – and to start actively transforming old broken habits into new healthy mindsets, check out the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-BS group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way. Six months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!) that will have you blowing your own mind, and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com Check it out – application is open, with an amazing bonus of 1:1 coaching with me (expires soon!), and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of your amazing life!
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
This episode is all about being a leader in this world and our own lives every day. It’s about entering the room and turning the vibe into what you see would be the most skillful at the time - instead of automatically letting that vibe affect and change you, which is more reactionary. Sort of like the difference between a thermostat – which regulates the environment – vs a thermometer, which reacts to the environment.
Here’s an example many of us have experienced: you’re on a plane and all of a sudden the plane drops into an air pocket and gets a little wobbly. And a few people gasp and the bell dings and they ask everyone to fasten their seatbelts…
After fastening up, what do you do? Personally, I look to the flight attendant. Are they freaking out? If so, you bet I would be too! If they are calmly flipping through a magazine, I start to let go of my anxiety and try to relax.
A good flight attendant is not the thermometer, letting the scene’s temperature and vibe lead to some reactionary behavior. A good flight attendant is acting like a thermostat - with the ability to impact the people around them.
Just like them, you can be the emotional thermostat in a given scenario, able to impact the entire room.
When I worked in the ER and a new trauma case came in, or when I would come into a birth full of tension and anxiety, or even when I was guiding and there was a rock fall or an avalanche was set off, it was literally my job to keep cool. I discovered it was one of my superpowers – to remain calm when shit was hitting the fan.
In those situations, I often heard, “When you walked into the room, I felt a shift.” Which is good, because that it what I intended to do – and the thing is, you do it, too. You impact a room when you walk in - but the degree to which you do it is up to you.
Sure, sometimes I had to fake that calm and control because I knew that if I lost it, then everyone else would, too. But it began to come naturally to me, more and more. You can do this too.
Our capacity for having an impact on others is well-known in Buddhism (and Western psychology) and it’s one of the reasons we practice, right? It’s why we meditate or do yoga or listen to podcasts. We’re learning to free our minds from getting hooked by emotions that are more like thermometers… more reactionary.
In addition to lessening our own suffering, it’s so we can be a touch of calm in the center of this storm of life. Or be the touch of positivity, hope, humor, or love.
We all have that capacity to influence those around us in this way. Not just in emergencies, but in day-to-day life.
At the end of my yoga practice, I like to dedicate, “May this practice not just benefit me, but all I come into contact with.” When we can make a dedication like this, we own that we impact the energy of the space we are in.
So as you move about your day today, try to notice how you’re showing up. Are you entering into challenging situations and allowing them to impact you such that you react to them? Are you just wishing it didn’t make you feel that way… wishing for that change?
Or do you intentionally set the tone and be the change you want to experience?
As we cultivate our wisdom, compassion, and ability to create more time in that pause between perceiving a situation and responding to it, we will become more and more skillful at it.
And if you’re faltering with that practice these days, hang in there! That’s why we practice. We are all connected. How we show up has an impact in the world.
It matters. You matter. A LOT.
In this Episode you will learn:
// The difference between being a “thermometer” vs a “thermostat”
// Why we need to shift from reacting to a situation to creating it intentionally.
// How this shows up in how we take a leadership role in our own lives
// One dedication you can practice to start owning your energy + impact
Resources:
// Episode 44: The Power of the Pause
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can get coached on things that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re ready to *truly* know yourself – all of you – and to start actively transforming old broken habits into new healthy mindsets, check out the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-BS group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way. Six months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!) that will have you blowing your own mind, and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com Check it out – application is open, with an amazing bonus of 1:1 coaching with me (expires soon!), and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of your amazing life!
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com. I can’t wait to see you there.
This week is about why we hurry. Not the kind of hurrying when we are trying to make it on time to a party or a meeting, but when we hurry towards our goals. Why we rush. Why we feel pressured to achieve our goal – like yesterday.
I speak from experience here when I say feeling that pressure to achieve our goals faster feels pretty crappy. So let’s jam about freeing ourselves from this sense of urgency.
After giving birth to my daughter 7 years ago, I decided it was the perfect year to hit 6-figures in my biz. I know…probably not the best timing with a new baby and all. But anyway, I set out to do that.
One of my coach certification programs offers an award every year for coaches who earn 6 figures or more, and I really really wanted to be on that stage accepting that award. Not so much for the money, but for how awesome I thought it would feel to walk across that stage and claim that shit - especially because while I’d earned good money in healthcare, I was really skeptical I could earn as much outside of being an employee working for someone else who earned a shitton of money. And of course, particularly when you grow up with very little, you are fucking proud when you create your own abundance.
I hired an assistant for the first time ever since i knew I’d need to delegate some of the more tasky tasks since I had a newborn, and I got to work.
And I mean I hustled. I didn’t get to take a true maternity leave and I had to go back to work sooner than I wanted because we needed the health insurance. I was working full time in clinic and then busting my butt after hours and before hours building my business. I justified overworking because I was awake anyway tending to my newborn so might as well multitask and earn money while I was at it.
I have photos of me breastfeeding my kiddo and typing on a laptop at the same time.
Ridonculous.
I felt all this pressure. I set this goal and I just had to achieve it or I thought it would mean I failed…and I really didn’t want to fail. I had invested in learning to be a coach and in my business and I felt like this shizzle and has GOT to work.
I also felt a huge sense of urgency because I really wanted to reach financial freedom so I could ultimately have more time with my new baby! I wanted to be able to have control of my own schedule and earn enough money on my own terms so that I could - in my mind - be a better mom and not have to hustle like my mom did.
Maybe you can relate a lot to this as well - you’re desperate to hit your goals and feel this pressure to do in now. We get impatient. Stressed. We start to hustle. It really sort of sucks. And we wish we didn’t have all the pressure.
But in the end, it is ourselves that create the pressure.
Maybe you think you’re running out of time. Maybe you think it’s the only chance you’ll get. Maybe you think if it doesn’t happen now, it never will. Or perhaps you think you should be further along than you are now. It could be in your career, your love life, your meditation or yoga practice… anything!
The pressure seems like it’s a good motivator, but it is not helpful energy, and it weighs you down. Why? Because underlying the pressure is the belief that there is something wrong with where we are now and that once we hit our goal, we’ll be happier, more free, more secure, more whatever.
We think “over there” is way better than “over here.” We think we’ll feel way better about ourselves and our lives … over there.
But what actually determines how we feel? Our minds! We could have everything we’ve ever wanted, and we can still feel crappy every day if our mind is hooked by unhelpful thoughts and beliefs.
It’s important to remember that reaching our goal isn’t what will make us happy. Sure – we'll get a temporary dopamine hit once we achieve our goal...but then we will return to our baseline level of happiness and realize: we still have the same brain!
The belief that if we get what we want, we will be happier is the nature of the human brain (more on the hedonic treadmill in the pod). However, we need to learn to rethink that logic so that we achieve our goals in a more joyful and successful way.
When we talk about the stress we feel about “needing” to meet a certain goal, it is our minds that will ultimately set us free - not achieving our goal!
Plus, when we achieve any goal from a place of desperation and hustle, we’re going to feel exhausted, because how we got to our goal matters!
When I hit 6 figures that year, I was burned out and exhausted, and I almost closed down my business. I knew it wasn’t sustainable to do it that way. I took a step back and put the business in maintenance mode… until I found out about a more feminist way to make money without all the hustle and grind. (Check out some awesome coaches and influencers in the resources!)
I’ve learned through them that how I get to my goal matters, because that is how I will live in my goal and in that achievement.
If we get to our goal in a way that feels good to us, we will feel happy even before that goal is achieved. And we will be building the foundation for a life that is in alignment with our values. And that is something that we can all sustain forever, right?
For me, my anxiety level has dropped a LOT. My income has grown. I’m sleeping more, eating more healthfully, spending more quality time with my family…
And I’m happier now. Always happy? Of course not. But when we have a more clear understanding of what really makes us happy, we stop chasing happiness and allow it in right here, right now.
I want this for you, too. Like I say, “Freedom is a feeling.” And it’s available to you now.
So, rebel - what are you in a hurry to get?
What thoughts are there contributing to you believing “over there” is better than “over here?” Because - as hard as it is to hear it - it’s really not better “over there.” Uncomfortable feelings and unexpected, challenging experiences still exist there.
So take the pressure off something you’re hurrying up about and ask yourself:
And go do that.
// Why we think hurrying is a good thing (when it’s now)
// Why putting pressure on ourselves isn’t the best motivator – and how it hurts us
// Why reaching our goals won’t ultimately make us happy
// The difference between hustling and hard work
// How to be happy before AND after we hit our goals
// 2 questions to ask yourself to help take the pressure off
Resources:
Follow these influencers for not hustling as you hit your goals:
Business coaches:
// Susan Hyatt
Instagram account:
Books:
// Rest by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang
// Burnout by Amelia & Emily Nagoski
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can get coached on things that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re ready to *truly* know yourself – all of you – and to start actively transforming old broken habits into new healthy mindsets, check out the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-BS group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way. Six months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!) that will have you blowing your own mind, and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com Check it out – application is open, with an amazing bonus of 1:1 coaching with me (expires soon!), and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of your amazing life!
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can’t wait to see you there.
Doubt it a totally normal experience. It’s comes with the territory when you’re a human born with a brain. It functions to try and keep us safe...to assess potential danger and protect us. However, it keeps us from experiencing true inner – and outer – freedom.
In Buddhism there is he concept of the Five Hindrances, which are mental states that impede progress in our meditation practice and our daily lives. They can also lead to unhelpful - or even harmful - actions. These hindrances are:
- Desire for sense pleasure
- Aversion/hatred/anger/ill will
- Apathy & laziness
- Restlessness/anxiousness
- Doubt
Today’s we’ll jam about doubt and its antidotes - the medicine that can help address it when it arises. If doubt is part of the deal with being human, we might as well get good at it, right?
One of the antidotes to doubt is seeking out examples of those that have gone before us. Yes, you can do it without examples. Yes,you might have to be the first example yourself. (Of course, there’s always the first, so later in the episode I’ll talk about what to do when you might likely be the first…)
But if you’re not the first, it is hella awesome to hear about those that have already done it, right?!
It doesn't mean you suck at managing your mind. It doesn’t mean you are messed up because you want social proof (I mean, that’s why we all put testimonials on our website of previous clients because…we know people like to see examples!). It’s totally normal to want to see if people have done it and to use that as inspiration.
Especially when it’s hard to manage your mind on a given day.
Examples aren't required to succeed, but they can help. And yeah, if there aren’t any testimonials available - no social proof - you can at least know what you’re getting into ;)
Wanting proof doesn’t mean you suck at managing your mind or that you’re messed up. It’s totally normal to want to see if people have done it and to use that as your inspiration. Using inspiration as an antidote to doubt has been around for thousands of years. It works.
Doubt can be one of the most difficult things to deal with because when we believe it and get hooked by it, it can stop us from taking effective action - from continuing our meditation practice, from promoting our biz, or from getting up off the couch and being active. We become paralyzed.
When the doubting mind hooks us, we get stuck, and we often want to make it go away quickly and resist it. But that doesn’t work in the long-run. That’s why a second antidote to doubt is mindfulness and becoming present with it. Fully processing it.
The full episode walks you through a great practice you can do to become more mindful of doubt, but a few things we can pay attention to when it surfaces are: Can we identify a trigger to the doubt (comparing ourselves to others on social media, looking at fashion magazines, hanging out with toxic people)? Is it arising in a “loud” way or with less intensity? What happens in our body? How long does it last? What mental state follows doubt?
When we observe doubt in a more detached way, we can observe it with more loving awareness, and our whole mind becomes freer.
Note this particular antidote is not about resisting doubt, but about letting the resistance that is there be, soften, and fade away. It’s about being with doubt and reminding ourselves we don’t have to believe it.
This is where thought work comes into play. After processing the emotion fully by being present with it and releasing resistance to it, we can get curious about it.
And when we take early steps to become mindful of doubt as a thought process, something awesome happens: the doubt itself becomes the source of understanding ourselves. (Check out more on how to coach yourself through this thought work with doubt in Episode 18).
What about if you’re the first person to attempt something, so there are no examples to inspire us? Remember: there will likely be times you will be the first – especially if you’re going to be diving into a new market, creating a new process, or coming from a historically oppressed group breaking through the system, for example. In this case, we can use thoughts about how others have been the first to do things and that they still did it, even when they doubted themselves and had no examples to go before them.
We really can let doubt become a window into a psychological adventure for us; to show us parts of our brain we weren’t even aware of. Adventure - being open to the unknown - is how we evolve, learn, and grow.
When doubt arises, we can say, Thank you for trying to protect me, but I’ve got my own back. I’m OK with an element of adventure.
I’d rather take the risk than have regrets.
Learning to work with doubt is essential to freeing our minds and hearts and for deepening our meditation and other practice, and to keeping us open to the adventure of life.
In this Episode you will learn:
// The 5 Hindrances – mental states that impede our practice and daily lives
// How not learning to manage doubt leads to confusion and wasting time/money/energy
// Why doubt is so difficult to overcome – and the key way to uproot it
// 3 helpful antidotes to doubt
// One mindfulness practice to help you be present with doubt (instead of resisting it)
// How to make doubt an adventure (for realz!)
Resources:
// Episode 18 - How to coach yourself
// Episode 67 - Why adventure is essential to our evolution
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can get coached on things that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re ready to *truly* know yourself – all of you – and to start actively transforming old broken habits into new healthy mindsets, check out the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-BS group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way. Six months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!) that will have you blowing your own mind, and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com Check it out – application is open, with an amazing bonus of 1:1 coaching with me (expires soon!), and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of your amazing life!
// Want to dive into this work on a deeper level? To study it and practice it together? Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can’t wait to see you there.
Correction: The original source for the quote about "The Man in the Arena" was incorrectly stated as Thomas Jefferson - opps! Didn't have my chai yet! The correct author is Theodore Roosevelt.
One of the hardest parts of starting the Rebel Buddhist Podcast for me was anxiety around receiving possible criticism. If someone says something on a social media post or a blog post, I’m able to respond and maybe even point out where they misunderstood or something. But for a pod, someone can just say something and that’s it… it’s out there, without a chance for me to respond.
That was really scary to me because I really want to feel understood...and I like other people to think I’m right (don’t we all?).
I hear this fear of criticism a lot in my clients when they talk about why they’re resisting putting themselves out there. Then there are people who are writers, actors, or chefs, and in those professions there are people whose job it is to be critical of others’ work. I asked an artist friend how she learned to deal with that, and she said she had to develop a thick skin over time.
So how do we manage criticism of our career or our creativity so that it doesn’t keep us from putting our unique gift out into the world?
First is to understand where it comes from. Fear is a legitimate reaction. Our primal brain was trained to seek approval and validation for survival, because if we were ostracized, it could mean literal death – no help with food, water, shelter, or protection. So reacting fearfully makes sense from that perspective.
One option to manage criticism is avoiding it, and trying to protect yourself from criticism by living a vanilla, safe, insulated life, hoping that if you don’t stand out, no one will notice. But humans are resilient AF. Sure, we can plan small and feelsafer, but that is not what we were built for!
Plus, when you play small to please others, your inner critic gets loud about you not putting yourself out there more. You’ll be uncomfortable either way - feeling the risk of discomfort by putting yourself out there, or guaranteed discomfort by not putting yourself out there and wondering, “What if?”
If I’m going to feel uncomfortable either way, I’d rather feel it going for my dreams and risking external criticism, instead of the discomfort of not even trying.
So, while it IS a valid option to not take risks, if you’re like me and you’re willing to take the discomfort of taking the risk over the pain you’d feel for not even trying, I have some additional tips for you to handle the inevitable criticism that will arise.
One option is to not even read, or listen to, the criticism you receive. You’ve probably heard about actors or writers and chefs that do this. They don’t read their own reviews. Thankfully, I had my artist friends to help me see this as an option early on.
Because I have this podcast, write blogs, and contribute to a ton of journals, magazines, and articles, I receive criticism. For me it’s sometimes helpful to have my VA look into these and bring any to my attention if there is something worth giving time and energy to instead of just reading them all myself, even if it’s a lot of internet trolls who just want to get a reaction. It was much more productive for me and helped me to avoid a never-ending argument with some online troll. And since I may miss the “good” stuff when I stay away all together, I also ask my VA to show me the client love that I receive.
Another tip is to remember the research in positive psychology out there about the 5:1 ratio, which is related to countering negativity bias. This concept suggests that for every negative comment, we want to gather ideally 5 positive comments to counter it/neutralize it.
This takes practice and is easier said than done, because negativity bias is the natural response for us all – it is trying to find danger to keep us safe, and warm fuzzies are not a threat (to most of us;). We also have to pay attention to applying this technique to our own negative self-talk and inner critic too. Often we are our own worst critic.
Another tip is to keep an open mind when hearing or reading criticism. I was taught to ask, “What’s the 2% truth in this?” It helps me open my mind to possiblity, and it feels safer than “What is 100% true about this?” (though there may be a time when 100% true is also important to look at).
Asking this question helps take away the defensiveness and opens us to really seeing other options that might help us grow. It also helps us truly listen, and for the other person to feel heard.
Once we hear that criticism and find any truth in it, we can decide what to do with it. Take it or leave it. Like, “I’m ok with that truth. I’m naturally imperfect and that’s totally fine.” Or, that’s good to know – I'm going to tweak a few things.
We have to make sure that what we don’t do here is to decide that it’s part of our identity… that we’re not worthy or good enough, intelligent enough or lovable, for example. We can accept the part of the feedback that is true, then let the rest go. Or we can say it isn’t true and let go.
It’s important to also consider who is giving the feedback to us. Are they doing the work and putting themselves out there too? Are they engaged in growth and questioning their truth and willing to learn? I personally don’t waste energy on people who aren’t also engaged in their own growth and willing to question their own beliefs and opinions.
Remember: criticism means people hear you, see you, care about what you’re saying, and took the time to say something about it. When we can manage our minds when we receive criticism so we don’t get hooked and start spiraling, we can use it to improve the work we do and make sure we are staying aligned with our values and mission and goals.
Don’t let the fear of potential criticism hold you back from speaking your truth, from living your dreams, from creating your masterpiece, which really is living an authentic, aligned life – which you 100% deserve.
In this Episode, you will learn:
// Why we freak out when we receive criticism (hint: you’re not broken)
// When avoidance is helpful with criticism, and when it’s not
// What kept me from starting the Rebel Buddhist podcast for 2 years
// 4 courageous ways to handle criticism
// When receiving criticism can be a GOOD thing
// How we make criticism worse by make it mean something about who we are
Resources:
// Episode 88 - Overcoming Imposter Syndrome
// Episode 87 - The Problem with Being Right
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can get coached on things that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re ready to *truly* know yourself – all of you – and to start actively transforming old broken habits into new healthy mindsets, check out the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-BS group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way. Six months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!) that will have you blowing your own mind, and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com Check it out – applicatio is open, with an amazing bonus of 1:1 coaching with me (expires soon!), and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of your amazing life!
// Didn’t get the presents you wanted? Give one to yourself! Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can’t wait to see you there.
I was reflecting a lot on my life when I grew up in the ‘hood with so little, and when I lived out of my car for 7 years as a climbing guide and how my life was so simple and I made hardly anything and bought hardly anything and I was so so so content.
And while I was content, I admit that while I had confidence in many areas - guiding and my dreams and purpose and my power as a wild woman living in the mountains…I had a lot of doubt if I had what it took to create a different kind of abundance.
I knew I was good at academics; I knew I was good at guiding; but…what IF…let’s just say what IF I could figure out how to earn enough money to (gasp!) have more than enough?
My mama had taught me a mindset that I’d always have enough if I used my money for the right things. So I actually was good on “enough,” it seemed. I never went…hungry.
But…I wanted - needed - more than enough. I wanted to be able to pay for emergencies if they happened, to take my mom and dad on well-earned vacations; live debt-free, hook up friends with abundant cheese and wine. Own land. I mean - we didn’t own anything ever - we always rented and got moved from place to place. I longed to own something, somewhere, that no one could make me leave.
So after getting cancer twice, I think of this life coaching thing, right? I want people to be able to live a life of no regrets without having to get a cancer diagnosis.
Not that many people were coaching then, and two people I really respected from my guiding world were doing it and it sounded right.
And I was a confident woman…I thought, “I can do this.” And I did. I started to earn money. Started to get busy. Started to gain traction, be interviewed on podcasts before there were so many…and then…something I hadn’t felt in awhile showed up.
Doubt. Self-doubt.
Here I was. Successful. Finally.
And doubt crept in. I started to tell myself, “Oh this was all a fluke. It’ll end soon.”
Or, “One day someone will figure out I’m not that smart. They’ll realize all these degrees I have were somehow good luck.”
One of the most common misconceptions about successful people is that once they get to where they want to be, the work is over and they don’t ever doubt themselves again.
Like when WE doubt ourselves, that must be based in some kind of fact, because truly successful people don’t feel self-doubt.
The reality is the opposite: successful people actually have to deal with even higher amounts of this sort of imposter syndrome. They’re just better at managing it.
And THIS is why you’ve heard me say things like, “discomfort is the price of the life we were meant to live.” Or, you don’t deserve comfort – you deserve better.
Because shit doesn’t just stop being uncomfortable or hard when you achieve success. When you meet your goal.
Yet a lot of people fail ahead of time and quit because they feel this doubt and choose to believe it's based in some kind of truth.
That’s really what separates successful people from those that choose to give up - the willingness to be uncomfortable and learn to manage it. To learn to suffer and not let it get in the way of you taking effective action.
Like I said, I am no stranger to self-doubt and imposter syndrome. People may say, “Wow Ana, how are you so confident?” Look - one can feel confidence AND still have self-doubt. But when we learn to manage our self-doubt; the confidence can be the predominant feeling.
Whenever we evolve, whenever we level up our lives, we are doing to experience self-doubt. It’s part of the deal. It’s not a sign that anything has gone wrong.
The secret is: it’s a sign that we are in exactly the right spot.
But this discomfort is why a lot of people don't even try to grow, to evolve. It’s not the cozy thing to do. So a lot of people don't want to stretch expand their comfort zones. We don’t put ourselves out there. Instead, we try and hide, an dimposter syndrome encourages us to do so.
Imposter syndrome shows up as thoughts that don’t support us actualizing our capacity, our capabilities – both the ones we are still cultivating and the ones we have already actualized.
This stalls our growth and evolution, because growth requires us to move beyond our own limiting beliefs about what we are capable of. If we want to become who we are meant to be in this world, and create the life we were meant to live - a healthier body, loving, more intimate relationships, abundance - then we need to commit to managing our minds when these doubts arise.
A lot of people will set these amazing and totally achievable goals for themselves and when they hit a speed bump or see self-doubt arise, they think something has gone wrong – “Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Maybe it’s not meant to be...”
But we need to remember that it often takes more than one try to learn something – AND that just because things aren’t easy or don’t feel great, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong.
When we were babies and we were learning to walk, we fell. A LOT. But we kept trying, and now we can run and walk and skip or whatever. If we had given up on walking, we would be scooting around on our bottoms for the rest of our lives. But now, as adults, we assume that if we can’t do it perfectly once, then we should just forget it!
This is one of the big reasons I think people aren’t able to get to that next level in their lives. They are afraid of that discomfort, so they hide from success and almost self-sabotage themselves.
There’s also this common misconception that successful people don’t ever doubt themselves because for them, for them they are truly successful and talented and worthy so for them, the doubt doesn’t happen. We think that it’s different for us – that we doubt because we aren’t worthy.
But the reality is, no one can escape those feelings of self-doubt. Those successful people we see are just better at managing it.
I mean, we look at someone like Beyonce and we think she is SO fierce and SO talented and SO brilliant and SO hot … she can’t be plagued with imposter syndrome. I mean, how to you get on stage like she did during Homecoming at Coachella and even have a hint of imposter syndrome?
Watch the documentary. She does. And of course, she manages it.
People also have this idea that when we are on the right path towards our goals, our life will be full of ease. But again, the reality is it rarely feels like anything but a LOT of effort and fighting to get to that next level. (Ask me how I know!)
I’ve got so many examples of this in my own life. Even with this podcast. I thought about doing it in 2018, and I put it off for TWO years because of imposter syndrome. I felt like I had nothing to share, nothing to offer that was…different that what was already out there. EVEN THOUGH so many clients and friends and supporters told me there was room for my voice.
So I escaped…into excuses that I was too busy, too overwhelmed, not ready for the tech involved…I just didn't want to deal with it.
But here’s the thing: we can either be uncomfortable pursuing our dreams, or uncomfortable because we are not pursuing our dreams.
So - which flavor of discomfort would you prefer?
Personally, I choose the kind where I am at least going for it. Where I am not failing ahead of time and quitting.
And the thing is, this keeps happening whenever I set the next big goal. The same of shit comes up again and again each time I level up.
But now I know that this is what happens. This is my brain protecting me from…uncomfortable emotions like embarrassment, or even what it thinks might be humiliation…from rejection…all those uncomfortable feels, right?
In the end, we are afraid of…an emotion.
Yet when we give up BIG dreams for this - wanting to avoid an emotion. Isn’t that wild? Especially in light of the fact that an emotion is temporary and never lass forever, and neurochemically lasts for about 90 seconds?
But someone fed us some BS that if we are pursuing the right dream, the right passion, the right career, living our truth…that it’ll be easy and we’ll be shitting rainbows. But that’s not how it works.
Your shit still stinks when you’re a millionaire. I can speak from personal experience because while I am not a millionaire yet, I have shared a room with millionaires and their shit still stinks.
And this is not necessarily a bad thing. Its…human.
So, rebel, can we agree that the next time we feel imposter syndrome, that it’s just a sign that we are living on our growth edge? And that this is exciting? And that nothing has gone wrong?
That’s what I remind myself of when it arises.
And remember: the bigger your goals, the bigger that self-doubt is going to be and that's ok because you’re in charge of your mind.
The only thing keeping you between what you want and what you have now is the belief that you can't have it; that you can't do it.
Self-doubt.
It's always going to be there, so the real question is, are you going to get better at managing your mind so you can stop playing small and hiding your dreams so you can hide your doubt?
I’m hoping, rebel, that your answer is a Hell YES! because you have a gift to bring to the world, and no one else can do it. No one. And you are absolutely capable to doing this. Just like a caterpillar is absolutely capable of morphing into a freaking butterfly - and doesn't even question it.
You are absolutely capable of manifesting the life you were meant to live, because … you’re you and that’s what you were born to do. Born to be.
In this Episode you’ll learn:
// Why doubt + imposter syndrome creeps in just when we’re starting to go for it (and why it’s perfectly normal)
// The misconception that successful people never doubt themselves
// How self-doubt keeps us from growth and evolution
// How the way we interpret when things are hard, or when we experience difficult emotions, breeds self-doubt
// Four steps to overcome imposter syndrome
RESOURCES
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can get coached on things that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re ready to *truly* know yourself – all of you – and to start actively transforming old broken habits into new healthy mindsets, check out the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-bullshit group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way. It’s 6 months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!), and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com check it out – applications just opened, with an amazing bonus of 1:1 coaching with me, and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of our amazing lives!
// Didn’t get the presents you wanted? Give one to yourself! Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can’t wait to see you there.
If you haven’t realized, I have a bit of a stubborn streak. I like to be right. It’s a thing I do. Once, when I was arguing with someone because I knew I was right and I just couldn’t let it go, he said, “I can tell you really like to be right.” It was just an observation - not a judgment. He even said it kind of nicely. “You really like to be right.”
And I was like, “YES, I like to be right? Why would I not? Do you go around letting people think things that are wrong?” And he looked at me like, yeah, that’s an option.
Blew my mind. And I wasn’t sure I agreed.
Years later, I looked back at this moment and realized that sometimes, it’s not all about being right - it’s also about being happy in this precious life we have. And we often thing being right will help us feel happy...but that’s not how it works. So I started to wonder… Why was I – and so many others - so driven to be right?
One reason is that we are trying to protect ourselves. There are a lot of us out there who have a limiting belief that we are somehow damaged, broken, not safe, or not good enough (or all the above!). These ideas usually started from the messages we received when we were a lot younger from our primary caregivers and others who had a lot of influence in our lives.
Most of the time, when we have this type of belief, we also try to keep it stuffed away because it feels pretty crappy. Maybe we start to see glimpses of these beliefs arise in meditation or in our disproportionate reactions to certain things – but usually, but we try to keep it all tucked away so it doesn’t interfere with how we’d like to see ourselves.
One way we do that is through this psychological defense mechanism called reaction-formation. This means that when we have a really painful thought, we turn it into its opposite. Like the insecure guy who acts like a pompous ass acting better than everyone else. Or when we get judgy and put others down so that we can see ourselves as superior.
Another way this appears, which I see a lot with my clients, is in the need to be right and to have others agree that they are right. It’s a way of compensating for feeling out of control.
I definitely identify with this. I grew up in the ‘hood - a poor and violent neighborhood and I was told that my brain – academics – would get me out, and that it was my only way out.
My intellect helped me make sense of the world, keep order, and plan and rely on the future and take care of myself and those I love.
So when it’s challenged - when someone says I might be wrong - it feels vulnerable AF. In order to keep control of the world, and to feel safe, I try to control being right.
Think of that one person you know who is always believing and acting like they know what’s best, no matter what’s going on. You notice in the words they use, their tone, and their body language. And those messages they’re sending can be hurtful to others… especially kids, who use those experiences to shape their belief about their worthiness and lovability.
So when we are emotionally attached to the need to be right, any other idea, opinion, suggestion, or perspective must be “wrong.” That need to be right tells us that we’re OK. It addresses those limiting beliefs by trying to provide proof that they are wrong. So of course we fight hard to be right!
It’s usually not even about the thing we’re arguing about. It’s about what we make it mean that we are being challenged. It’s about the tender, wounded human behind all that, who hurts when someone disagrees with them because it threatens our loveability, our worthiness, our safety.
When we fight hard to be “right,” it actually creates so much suffering for everyone involved. We feel crappy about it after the glow of being proven “right” fades, and the people we argued with - colleagues, partners, family, kids, friends – often feel just as bad. Maybe they were just sharing. They probably didn’t mean to say anything about our worthiness or lovability. But it sure feels like that
So how can we learn to let go of being right, and allow happiness in instead?
As it often is, the first step is awareness, because this pattern occurs automatically. We can notice the need to be right and our attachment to it. Mindfulness is a great tool here. Learning the art of the pause, getting curious about that feeling, and not judging ourselves for having it.
Next is we can offer ourselves self-compassion. We can’t go further without it, otherwise we’re just resisting uncomfortable emotions and trying to grow when we still don’t feel safe.
One we’ve become aware we are hooked and can see our attachment to being right and offered ourselves some self-compassion...THEN we can ask ourselves: Would I rather be right, or happy? This is a powerful question. It helps us realize that trying to be right is a choice – a choice requiring vulnerability, but opening us to true happiness.
Which is more important – being right, or being happy? Which is more in alignment with how you want to feel and show up in the world? Which brings you closer to those you love and care about?
When we argue to be right, instead of the other person feeling close to us, they feel distanced, pushed away. And instead of us feeling understood, when the glow of being right wears off, we also feel distanced and separated.
So this week, rebel, ask yourself: would you rather be right, or be happy?
Which would bring you closer to your people - and to your values?
In this Episode you will learn:
// What being “right” has to do with being safe and loved
// How the need to be understood can push people away
// The different ways we create more pain when we try to be right
// Three steps towards learning to be “wrong” and letting go of being right (even when you kow you are;)
// Why being to be willing to be wrong is better than being right
Resources:
// Episode 44: The Power of the Pause
// Episode 51: Self-Compassion
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can get coached on things that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re ready to *truly* know yourself – all of you – and to start actively transforming old broken habits into new healthy mindsets, check out the upcoming Adventure Mastermind. It’s a no-bullshit group of 6 womxn ready to slay the next year – YOUR way. It’s 6 months of transformation and adventures (inner and outer!), and you can learn more at www.AdventureMastermind.com check it out – applications just opened, with an amazing bonus of 1:1 coaching with me, and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of rebel womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of our amazing lives!
// Didn’t get the presents you wanted? Give one to yourself! Check out Freedom School – the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It’s also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can connect over all things freedom with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It’s my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can’t wait to see you there.
Here we are - at the end of the year, maybe looking back and wondering how it all happened the way it did. Maybe holding some grudges or deep resentments...or shame about how we showed up. The good news is, if we want to, we now have a chance to do things differently.
Ultimately, we all get to choose how we want to show up every day, but there’s something significant about how we move into the next year and how it can set the tone for what is to come.
You know we’re all about Freedom here at the Rebel Buddhist – inside and out. One of the things I’ve found that we can do to give us the most emotional freedom in the next year is to partake in the courageous act letting go of things that no longer serve us, and one of the most radical acts we can do to let go, one of the things we can do for ourselves that can truly help us feel more light and free…is forgiving.
Forgiveness has been a huge practice for me - and I say practice because I’m still learning how to do it with things that have really cut me deep. It’s like each year I can get to a deeper layer of forgiveness - and I want to keep going, however hard it may be a lot of the time, because I believe that the lack of forgiveness and the need for forgiveness are some of the biggest challenges many of us face.
One of the most powerful things I ever did was forgive my mom for abusing me as a child.
You see, I had a lot of anger about my childhood for many years. I was uber-pissed, and for objectively good reasons.
I won’t go into details, but you can imagine the myriad reasons people feel wounded and broken. Many of those things happened as I was growing up, but regarding my mother specifically, I was so angry that she hurt me physically and emotionally. I was resentful that I didn’t have a mom I felt safe with, and that I was this angry person walking around, blowing up at my boyfriends, feeling defensive, and easily losing my shit.
“What a bitch for making me so angry!” I’d think to myself.
And it was weighing me down.
It was also impacting my relationship with her…with her as an older, gentler, less angry woman who wanted to be close to me.
While I was angry and bitter, for a long time, in the end I knew that deep down, despite her mistakes, she was doing the best she could in the moment with what she had available to her.
So, as an adult, I had a choice to make:
1) I could keep reminding myself and my mom that things really sucked growing up and about how much she hurt me, and that I was all sensitive and defensive because of her, and that she really screwed up royally with some things.
Then she’d apologize and feel shitty about herself and I’d feel guilty and all upset after re-hashing all that crap. And we’d do this over and over, as I strived to get back at her for hurting me the way she did through guilt-trips and passive aggressive behavior and not-so-passive aggressive behavior…
OR – I could stop thinking that I was deeply wounded and broken, wanting to make those feelings go away until I allowed myself to move forward…wanting to “understand” everything and have it make sense – and have everyone else understand and agree that I was wounded – before I allowed myself to be happy…
I could stop all that and instead…
2) Say, “Well, that sucked. Royally. But now it’s time to create my new life.”
Needless to say, after years of the first, victim-mindset option and hanging out in therapy wondering why I was still having panic attacks, I decided to try #2.
And it changed everything.
I can’t completely describe the shift that happened when I stopped thinking that in order to heal, I had to wallow in the past until some magical moment when things would feel right.
I realized that insight and understanding don’t fix everything. They feel good, sure. They’re useful, sure.
But what created a real shift for me was changing what I DID. How I thought, how I responded, the situations I created. How I FELT.
It was ACTION that allowed me to grow and change…and ultimately, heal.
It was me taking ACTION that allowed me to see myself as whole, and perfectly resourceful and creative. That I was indeed perfect as I was. Not broken. Not wounded to the core. Not in need of more therapy or days of crying to feel seen.
And the most courageous action I took was to forgive.
Of course, I found therapy helpful for some things, especially learning how to notice what I was feeling, and being able to share my story with someone who wasn’t going to try to explain it away or justify things.
It helped me make sense of certain memories and I felt incredibly safe sharing deeply with someone that seemed “qualified” for me to lose my shit in front of.
But in hindsight, which is always lovely, I realize that maybe I just needed one round of that.
Then I needed to get off my ass and do things differently.
I needed to create a different relationship with my mom, or walk away. The latter wasn’t an option for me, because I do love her deeply.
So one day I said, “I’d like to talk.” And I asked her for what I needed to hear in order to be able to forgive her. I asked her to please try to say she was sorry, to acknowledge all the ways in which she had hurt me.
I asked that she reflect on it and come back to me if and when she felt she could say it with full sincerity.
Now, I was lucky, because eventually, she did. She told me how she didn’t know better, how she was one of 11 children and how her mom didn’t bother to explain anything or try to be patient – that she just hit them when they didn’t behave.
She’d seen the next generation raising their kids and how they took parenting classes and anger management classes and how she wishes she had been able to do those things.
Her apology was also imperfectly full of excuses…but it was sincere. I could tell.
And this made forgiving her easier. But I also want to emphasize here that we can still forgive without the other person saying they are sorry. Because I know that it’s sort of the dream scenario here – one where the villain says opps, I messed up. Sorry. I’ll never do it again – and they don’t.
Sure, it made it easier that my mom apologized.
… but it’s really important to remember that the other person’s remorse is not requisite to us forgiving and feeling more free.
Because ultimately the only person who suffers from holding onto resentment and anger is ourselves, and it is our wish that the past was different than what it was that keeps us from forgiving – not waiting for the other person’s remorse.
I know this, because years later my mom – that very same one that I had those transformative years with – denied that she abused me.
I reverted back to my old anger and resentment. I felt heavy again. Trapped in my own emotional prison.
Definitely NOT free.
Many years would pass before I learned to forgive without her apology, without her acknowledgement that she had hurt me so.
In fact, I wasn’t able to do it until after she had died.
I wish I was evolved enough to have processed it all before she died, but a Buddha I am not, and it took a minute.
Ultimately, I realized I had to let go of wishing the past was different than it was. And I had to let go of wanting her to feel remorse.
And this is the case with all things we don’t feel ready to forgive – it’s because we wish the past was different than it was, and aren’t ready to let go of that….
You see, I think a lot of people have had a big misunderstanding of what forgiveness is, myself included.
I think when most of us think about forgiveness, we think what it means is accepting someone’s apology or having a conversation with someone that tells them that what they did or didn’t do was OK.
But that’s not what forgiveness is.
If you look up the definition of the word “forgive,” it’s a verb that means “to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or a mistake.”
It’s not telling the person anything. It’s not sitting down with the other person. It’s not talking to the other person. It has nothing to do with the other person doing, saying, or feeling anything.
The only thing forgiveness requires is that you stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone.
At this point in the game, if you’ve been listening to my podcast for awhile now, you’ll know that the secret sauce to changing a feel in a lasting way is to change your thoughts.
Today we’re dropping one of the Greatest Hits from the podcast, and we dive into exactly how to do that so you can forgive, once and for all, and set yourself free.
I hope it opens your heart and helps you step into the New Year with a lighter spirit and a deeper sense of true freedom. Here’s to more love and joy in 2022!
_
In this Episode you will learn:
// Why forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person being sorry or feeling any remorse
// Some of the biggest misconceptions people have about forgiveness
// How to decide when you should forgive someone
// How our “enemies” can be our greatest teachers
// In this episode I discuss “The Manual” and how it sabotages relationships. Learn more about it in this episode here, How to Improve Any Relationship
// Download the gorgeous REVIEW, REFLECT + ALIGN workbook by clicking here.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// Want to join me for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist now – applications open in January and you won’t want to miss the chance to hang out with me and a small group of womxn in adventurous places to get unstuck and create the next chapter of our amazing lives!
// If you're wondering what an awesome present would be for a friend – or yourelf! - check out Freedom School - the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It's also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can hang out and connect over all things thought work with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It's my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can't wait to see you there.
We’ve arrived at the final few days of the year, and how we participate in this transition will set the tone for the next one to come. If we want to be active creators of our own life instead of massive observers of our life (letting things happen TO us), it’s important to get clear and move, think, and feel with intention.
One of the best ways we can do this is by trying to think of a phrase or word that encapsulates our intention. It may sound cliche or too woo-woo to pick a “word of the year,” but I’m telling you – it works!
I use my word of the year to guide decisions, make plans, and to set goals.
What the difference is between a goal and an intention? A GOAL focuses on the future, on externalaccomplishments. They have a specific outcome, describe what you want to do, and are future-focused, like to run a marathon. Go surfing in Hawai’i. Create better sleeping habits.
An INTENTION focuses on a present, internal state of being that you want to cultivate. Intentions describe how you want to be or feel in the moment, how you want to move through life, and how you want to show up. Some of my clients have had the intention to live with more confidence, compassion, mindfulness, inspiration, joy, generosity.
The word of the year focuses more on intention than a goal. It helps guide how you get to the goal, how you align your life with your values, and how you create the life you are meant to live.
Some people think they should choose a goal and set intentions to support that, but aligning with our intentions first will keep us from wasting time, money, and energy on goals that won’t fulfill us.
To set an intention, think about how you want to show up in the next year. Who do you want to be at the root of all your actions for the next 12 months? (Be sure to not stress on creating the perfect one because you aren’t sure what the next year will bring. It may change as you learn and grow and that’s totally okay!).
Another way to think of this is to ask, “What would help me live more authentically in the next year?” Or, “What quality would help me show up the way I want to in the world?”
Sure, joy, confidence, love...those sound great, right? But sometimes what we need isn’t so comfy. Surrender. Forgiveness. Vulnerability (that’s mine for the next year)...can make us want to squirm a bit.
When we head into that territory, it’s more like we’re asking for something like a bitter medicine that heals. So sometimes, to find our word of the year, we can ask, “What medicine do I need for the next year?” or even, “What would crack me open and reveal my authentic nature?”
Like I said, mine is vulnerability, and I am admittedly nervous about this one, but I know it will help me open my heart even more, and shed the armor I’ve had up for so long (more on that in the pod).
As for goals, they’re the action part of your intention. They’re the things you will do so your vision becomes more tangible. Once you’ve set your intention, you can set your goals. Look at how each goal aligns with your intentions (and other goals) and ask yourself - do they support each other, or conflict?
The trick can be in staying connected to your intention as the days go by – with all the distractions like emails, to-do lists, work obligations, daily chores and tasks and all the other crazy shizzle life throws our way. One thing I’ve found really helpful is to find a talisman for your word of the year. It can be as simple as a piece of jewelry, a special article of clothing, a rock or a shell, an epic song or playlist, or a picture. Some people even get tattoos (but don’t blame me for that idea later).Either way, having a physical reminder can help you stay connected to your word.
Ok - so here we go, rebels. I'm on mission to be cracked open by vulnerability itself. What about you? What will help you live your most authentic life? May it be just the medicine you need.
// The difference between goals and intentions – and why it matters
// When an intention becomes medicine
// How to pick your Word of the Year – and have it actually mean something
// Strategies for saying connected to your intention when life gets in the way
// Check out Episode 32 - How to Review Your Year
// Check out Episode 33 - Living in Alignment
// Download the A Year in Review worksheet here
// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com to get on the waitlist now – applications open in January!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
Lovingkindness is foundational to cultivating wisdom and compassion in our mindfulness practice. A lot of people feel like mindfulness is a peaceful and relatively sterile thing where we are aware of our surroundings, but I’ve found that at deeper levels of mindfulness, there is also an element of love.
So yes, we can mindfully move through the world with love. But when you’ve had life challenges, that can be hard to do, right? It takes work. We long to love - to be vulnerable - without holding back! But when we’ve been hurt we want to protect. And we may have even been taught to hold back our love by our cuttural upbringing.
I was doing some awesome introspection recently and I realized that despite all of the growth and breakthroughs I have experienced over my life - and especially recently - I still have this armor around my heart - even towards those I want to fully love without reservation.
We think we’re protecting ourselves when we hold back, but it’s the opposite. The true protection, the true refuge, is to love fully. Think about it – if someone happened to someone you love, would you think, “Wow, I’m so glad I held back because now this hurts less?”
No.
The true refuge isn’t in protection – it is in vulnerability and in loving fully. If you lose someone you love, you will be glad you loved fully - no holds barred.
And I think we really all want to experience that - being free to love fully, but it’s when we feel threatened that we stop being open and present. Like when we feel unsafe that someone might disappoint us, or hurt us or that we might lose them. And depending on our culture or our family, we have been conditioned toward different degrees of separation or belonging.
So we begin to get to familiar with that threshold, and we try to control the story, and we armor up.
Usually it’s a deep disconnect that leads to us armoring our heart. That severed sense of belonging separates us from our hearts, and we can feel more distance and less belonging when we are not part of the dominant culture.
Lovingkindness practice (aka metta in Buddhism) is a way of being mindful and expressing care, which reconnects us to the direct visceral experience of belonging.
In other words, we’re trying to undo that conditioning of separation that keeps us from experiencing lovingkindness. We’re de-conditioning so we can be liberated and freed.
There are two steps for re-opening ourselves to lovingkindness. The first is, “Can we see the goodness in others?” It’s our habit to look for what’s wrong, so it takes intentionality to do this.
The second step is taking action and expressing care. You can use the classic metta practice to help guide you, but there are so many ways for how we can express lovingkindness – telling people directly, hugging them, writing letters, and visualizing showing them care (more suggestions in the pod).
Look, this is not a place to fail, so please don’t make it about doing lovingkindness perfectly. It’s more an invitation to really dedicate ourselves to loving the life that’s right here for us, right now. If you feel stuck in these steps, I talk about some great practices that you can do to overcome those walls and open yourself up to lovingkindness in the full podcast Episode.
You may feel selfish practicing lovingkindness toward yourself, but remember that when we hold our inner life with love, it dissolves all sense of separation from others, and true lovingkindness has to start there. It’s the first step in being able to love others fully.
And when it comes to seeing goodness in others and extending love to them, there’s this tendency to not speak out our love, to not show it, to not let others know. But the greatest expression of love in action is to let people know you care about them.
Drop thearmor. Be vulnerable. See the goodness, feel the love, and express it in kindness.
In this Episode you will learn:
// Why vulnerability is the most powerful form of protection for our hearts.
// How being willing to drop the armor is key to experiencing and giving lovingkindness
// Why protecting our hearts can sever us from a sense of love and belonging
// Two basic qualities we can train in to practice lovingkindness
// What to do when we hit a wall seeing or expressing lovingkindness toward ourselves and others
Resources:
// This episode was inspired by teachings from Tara Brach that she gave during the 2-year Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Training Program. You can find her work at www.TaraBrach.com
// Check out Rebel Buddhist Episode 51: Self-Compassion
// If you’re loving what you’re learning in this podcast, you have got to come check out Freedom School. Freedom School is the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It's also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can hang out and connect over all things thought work with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It's my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can't wait to see you there.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
We are all complex beings, made up of contrasts. Discipline and wildness. Security and freedom. Worldly and divine.
There are dichotomies everywhere. It’s part of nature, and we are all a part of that.
Yet often we are asked to choose only one aspect of ourselves and lose or leave the other. And for many of us, our culture believes it’s hypocritical to stand with one foot in each contrasting space.
The place that deep work happens is often when we are recognizing and living in polarity. It’s where we change, evolve, and strengthen.
It’s like the image of the Taoist tai chi or yin-yang. That dividing line isn’t just straight down the middle. It curves so that the two sides are cradling each other, and each side has a small circle of the opposite color embedded within it.
You can’t have one without the other. Like light needs darkness, the polarizing parts of you need each other to exist.
We all spend more time in this space than we realize. Maybe we are super healthy, but we can’t resist a greasy fast-food meal once every now and then. Or we post all these outdoor journeys on social media, but spend a full weekend binge-watching Netflix in our PJs and don’t tell a soul. Many people live in gender fluidity for this reason – acknowledging the limitations of choosing one polarity or another.
So if it’s part of nature and part of life, why do we resist living in polarity so much?
Some people may say that we feel hypocritical, or that our integrity in compromised when we want to live between polarities. I challenge that.
Integrity is not about moral perfection. It’s about accepting the whole and not trying to divide who we are.
We all have many parts to ourselves, and I want to invite us all to spend more time becoming whole instead of trying to pick which aspects of ourselves are valid or not.
Allow yourself to have polarities, and integrate all the parts, instead of casting away parts of yourself.
There is another image that embodies this: the mandorla. It’s used to demonstrate the concept that there is a space of overlap between two seemingly-opposed or contrasting realities, thoughts, or beliefs. It looks similar to a Venn diagram, with two overlapping circles and a small almond-shape in the middle where they overlap.
When we stand in this center, in the mandorla (the term is Italian for “almond”), without seeing two seemingly dissonant concepts as mutually exclusive, we can start to be real. Whole. Authentic. Integrated.
We all feel that tension between poles. It’s difficult to live between them instead of just choosing one when our culture or society doesn’t support that. So sometimes we can feel like we know who we are, yet we also feel like we must not really know ourselves.
That tension can be so painful, and the reaction may be to escape that by fleeing to one pole or the other, or judging one aspect of ourselves and not accepting it. But if we run from that tension, we can’t do the deep work of becoming whole and living in true integrity.
This isn’t about a resolution of the tension or a compromise between the opposites. Rather, it’s about going full-on into the tension so we can experience the true reality of them existing simultaneously in our being.
So how can we explore this tension and experience that much-needed growth and wholeness? We can complete a mandorlapractice, which I learned from one of my own mentors!
The full practice is outlined in the podcast, but below is an outline of the practice:
Be mindful of what happens in your mind, in your psyche, and to changes in energy or physical sensations. As Bill Plotkin says, the goal is not to learn something, but to be changed.”
Keep doing the practice over and over. Eventually, you will realize that things are not as black-and-white as you thought.
It’s important to note that this practice isn’t to help you decide between two incompatible choices or come to a solution. It’s to trigger a dissolution of your identity.
So, what seemingly contradictory beliefs, thoughts, or aspects of your being do you have in your life that are difficult to reconcile?
Try out the practice and explore how you can truly embrace all parts of you.
And remember that you are human. Complex. And when we embrace the whole, that is when we are in full integrity.
In this Episode you will learn:
// Why we need to avoid putting ourselves into a box and casting out aspects of ourselves that seem contradictory
// How living in polarity is not hypocritical – it's completely natural
// Why we must live in polarity to be whole and in integrity
// Why we feel tension for having opposite aspects within us, and how to overcome that
// How the yin-yang and mandorla symbols help us recognize our inner polarity and integrate them
// One practice to explore how we can embrace all parts of us
Resources:
// // If you’re loving what you’re learning in this podcast, you have got to come check out Freedom School. Freedom School is the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It's also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can hang out and connect over all things thought work with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It's my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can't wait to see you there.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
What we talked about in Part 1:
// Attachment theory and mindfulness of emotions and thoughts
// How patriarchal society predisposes us to certain thoughts + beliefs and filters our relationship experiences
// How it makes sense that anxiety leads to crazy thoughts and actions
// Why those actions could end up leading us to lose ourselves in a relationship
// The FIRST step in healing: offering ourselves self-compassion
This week, we’re going to dive deeper into more tools and concepts. The first is cognitive bias, which is a function of our brain that searches for evidence of what we already believe to be true instead of what is actually true.
It’s like when you’re in a moment of anxiety and you completely forget those other times where you were anxious, and nothing was wrong. For me, I remember experiencing moments of complete panic in my relationships, and a partner would text me something super sweet like, “Hey, thinking of you and missing you,” and I would just think, yeah right. They’re just saying that to appease me, but they don’t mean it!
Cognitive bias explains why it’s pointless to try to change how other people behave so that we can feel better. Because our brain will still have the same filters and thoughts. It will interpret it in a way that supports what we believe.
The other reason trying to control others is a bad ideas is because they often actually don’t do it… and we also feel a bit ashamed about how needy and desperate we’re being. We’re just trying to control them to make ourselves feel better about what’s in our heads.
Instead, imagine feeling Ziji – radiant inner confidence no matter how other people behaved. Feeling secure attachment, no matter what.
This doesn’t mean we should say in a relationship with just anyone. What it DOES mean is we can have a sense of security no matter what. We are grounded in ourselves and know what we want, which allows genuine love and connection in our relationships.
Even when we have disagreements and conflict, we don’t experience that anxiety or feel insecure as a result.
The hard part is that most people aren’t born with these skills. We need to learn them.
Another aspect that affects how we tend to lose ourselves in relationships is perfectionism, which contributes to anxious attachment styles in particular. If you think about it, perfectionism and anxiety go hand in hand. We think we need to be perfect in order to be worthy and to be loved.
And what’s more of a place to run into that fear head-on than in a romantic relationship? Of course, it can be seen in any type of relationship – familial or friendship – but there’s something about intimate or romantic relationships that really brings this up for people.
Intimacy involves being vulnerable and human and messy and not perfect. If you’re a perfectionist, you judge and reject yourself for being that messy human, and when you start getting intimate with someone, you project onto them your own constant self-evaluating and analyzing.
If you catalogue your faults, then your partner is, too. If you compare yourself with others’ looks and personality, then your partner is, too. And then you want your partner to reassure you about something they can’t possibly fix because it’s your own thoughts about yourself.
Perfectionists (and black and white thinkers) also don’t have much of a sense of healthy balance or limits or how to construct a relationship they want.
They also may not know how to take it slow. They don’t know how to gradually develop a relationship and integrate it into their life.
Something I briefly touched on in part 1 is that those with an anxious attachment style tend to subconsciously pick someone with avoidant attachment patterns. Part of it is because it activates their kind of anxiety and they get caught in a cycle, but it’s also because they don’t know how to moderate themselves as an all-or-nothing thinker.
The funny balance of this type of relationship is that while you keep wanting more, they set all the limits. When you’re used to rejecting and judging yourself by what others think you should want and how they react to you, that pattern can feel totally comfortable.
On the other hand, I also don’t think dating someone with a secure attachment style is the answer. It’s like encountering emotional sobriety. You can clearly and sometimes painfully see how much you create this drama in your own brain. So those with an anxious or avoidant style tend to reject the secure attachment people because they’re addicted to the drama of anxiety and relief.
At the end of the day, though, all of this is about your relationship with yourself and your capacity to believe your inherent self-worth and lovability which has been 100% since DAY 1 of your existence.
Here are just a few additional tips to help you not lose yourself in a relationship (I talk about so many more in the full podcast Episode!):
And remember to get yourself a really supportive and loving community of people around you that is unpacking the same patterns as you in growing in the same areas. Don’t just isolate yourself with people who will complain with each other and focus on the bad.
This community of open, honest growth is really what it’s all about in Freedom School. If finding a partner is on your bucket list, or if you see a lot of commonalities in your relationships from the past two Episodes, then it’s time to get started on healthy and permanent change for the better. Check out more at joinfreedomschool.com.
In this Episode you will learn:
// What cognitive bias is and why it’s useless to try to change someone else
// How to stop people pleasing and feel strong and confident telling the truth in ALL your relationships
// Why avoidant and anxious attachment styles tend to attract each other and run from secure attachment styles
// 5 practical tips on how not to lose yourself in a relationship
Resources:
// Episode 79 – How Not to Lose Yourself in a Relationship, Part 1
// Episode 14 - Cognitive Dissonance and How to Believe New Things
// Episode 18 - How to Coach Yourself - Applied mindfulness
// Episode 2 - How to Not Care What Other People Think About You
// Check out my newest Elephant Journal article on setting boundaries like a Buddhist… and how to deal when people don’t like them.
// If you’re loving what you’re learning in this podcast, you have got to come check out Freedom School. Freedoms School is the community for ALL things related to freedom, inside and out.
It's also where you can get individual help applying the concepts to your own life. It’s where you can learn new coaching tools not shared on the podcast that will blow your mind even more, and it’s where you can hang out and connect over all things thought work with other freedom junkies just like you and me. It's my favorite place on earth and it will change your life, I guarantee it. Come join us at JoinFreedomSchool.com I can't wait to see you there.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
Does this sound like you:
// You obsessively check your texts to see if so-and-so has replied yet
// If they don’t, you start to spiral about if they still care about you, or what might be wrong.
// When you receive an email, you have a sort of mini-panic because it could be bad news about someone being upset with you - even though you haven’t even opened it yet.
// You overreact to minor feedback, or get overwhelmed by jealousy.
// Or maybe you avoid conversations because you don’t want to upset someone.
That type of anxiety and concern just keeps spinning and growing, right? And a large part of that comes from being socialized in a patriarchal society as well as our attachment styles that we’ve developed.
People socialized as womxn are told they must marry, be nice, be smart but not outshine, make others happy (especially the men in our lives), be patient… and put everyone else first. We’re also taught to evaluate our self-worth based on what other people think of us.
Anxiety in relationships is often rooted in worrying about what the other person thinks of us.
First, let’s review attachment theory basics, because it plays a big role.
Part of attachment theory is that our experiences as a child and how reliable our caregivers are at meeting our needs (plus some of whatever soul-wiring we’re born with) all impacts our attachment style.
Those same patterns of influence can be seen in all of our relationships as adults, especially with our intimate partners. It may not be the exact time style as when we were an infant, and the style can change as we enter different relationships (more on that in the pod).
To say it simply, there are 3 types of attachment:
- Secure attachment styles – these folx are comfortable with intimacy and they can also maintain independence. They’re not codependent or isolated. We are still going to be happy for them ;)
- Anxious attachment styles tend to worry about abandonment or rejections. This can manifest as jealousy or anxiety, and they may try to re-establish feelings of intimacy with graspy and clingy behavior.
- Avoidant attachment styles worry about losing autonomy and independence, and see relationships as a threat to that freedom.
Some people can also have a subtype that’s an anxious-avoidant attachment style, where when we become anxious, we fix it by creating distance.
And here’s the crazy part: anxious and avoidant attachment styles tend to be drawn towards each other! This can produce a kind of power dynamic that is very push-pull. I certainly experienced it myself in plenty of relationships.
You may have noticed that there is a tendency for people who have been socialized as womxn to be anxiously attached and for those socialized as men to be avoidantly attached, and that this is assumed to be “normal.” A lot of this is because people socialized as womxn and men (whether they identify that way or not( are taught different things about intimacy, sexuality, and romance (especially in heteronormative societies).
Knowing that womxn are told their value and worth and safety is dependent on whether they are in a committed relationship with a partner, it makes a lot of sense that we are anxious and constantly worried about losing a relationship or being rejected.
People socialized as men are taught that womxn are just trying to trap them and that they should not expose vulnerable feelings. So, the avoidance there makes sense too, right?
Add in any dysfunctional parenting dynamics and experiences and that just heightens the anxiety.
So we try to appease that anxiety by engaging in activity that attempts to establish intimacy and connection...but we do it in a graspy way like obsessively texting, asking “Is anything wrong?” and asking “Can we talk again?” which usually does the opposite of what we intend.
This anxiety also causes us to lose ourselves in relationships because we start to give up things we love to feel more secure and to protect ourselves from being abandoned – like giving up our yoga class so our partner doesn’t miss us; cancelling hikes with girlfriends because the partner is in town; not going on the retreat or attending the workshop so that we can make time for our partner; Skipping exercise or our hobbies so that our partner isn’t disappointed in us.
The root of anxiety in relationships comes from worrying excessively about what the other person thinks of us...and about if we’ll be left or not.
The good news is that we CAN start to notice that and change our patterns, and start to become mindful of our thoughts and emotions and the filters our life experiences pass through. We can become aware of the thoughts about our experiences in a way that better serves us and creates more of a sense of security and safety. We can see that though we may think scary thoughts about being alone, that it doesn’t mean they’re true.
We can say, “Ah this makes sense - I have this style that causes me to think certain ways about things – and that makes sense because of my past expereinces. It’s OK - nothing is wrong here.”
The best way to start combating that anxiety is to just understand that it makes sense that your brain is taking you there and creating these thoughts. Self-compassion also helps to combat any shame and guilt that might arise when we realize we have lost ourselves in a relationship. Then we can start to do the work to identify the patterns and habits we have based on our attachment style. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but all important growth is, right?
And remember, you should never have to sacrifice your joy and purpose and your own precious life for another. You are 100% worthy and lovable as you are right now. As you have been from the moment you existed, and all the ways you’ve changed since then.
// The types of attachment styles we can have and how gender socialization affects them
// How to stop anxiety in relationships before you start to spiral
// How to stop being afraid of rejection and abandonment
// The main thing we need to feel secure
// Episode 2 - How to Not Care What Other People Think About You
// Episode 43 - Jealousy and Sympathetic Joy
// Episode 73 - How to Be Your Own Guru
// Episode 75 - Stop Apologizing
// My newest Elephant Journal article on setting boundaries like a Buddhist… and how to deal when people don’t like them.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
There are lots of forms of grief and loss. The most obvious is when someone has died, but we can also grieve in many other ways, like the end of a relationship, the diagnosis of a serious illness, not being able to have a baby, or the loss of a dream.
We all will go through some form of loss at some point. It’s inevitable. I get emails regularly from people who are grieving or even holding themselves back from feeling that grief.
We can sometimes steer away from talking about hard things because we think something bad might happen. Growing up, I was taught it was taboo to talk about loss and grief and what it might mean to lose someone. In the Philippines, people believed that talking about it would almost call it in, like a self-fulfilling prophecy or a jinx.
But when we close off to grief and loss and turn away from it, we are missing out on a big opportunity – and a kind of spiritual gift.
Grief is an emotion that seasons us, makes us more human and alive. It’s an emotion that I have come to welcome whenever it arrives in my own life.
It cleanses me.
When we let grief or loss have its way with us, we can be transformed into something more tender.
I remember my own grief when I found out I had cancer… both times. I grieved the loss of my physical strength and prowess as a climbing guide of 10 years. I reached out to a friend who had also struggled with their cancer diagnosis and asked them, “how do you have faith in your body?”
How did they not believe when the doctors told them they had 6 months to live (multiple times)? That they may not ever have children of their own?
I was begging to be given faith in myself and my body, but I had to sit in the grief first. When I did, I saw my humanity, my impermanence, and my absolute need for other humans.
It was that experience of waking up in my loss that inspired me to start my coaching business and help people live life to the fullest in alignment with their deepest values – without getting cancer first.
If you’ve grieved deeply in any way, you know about surrender, because grief really is surrendering to reality over and over again. And in that reality, we can find refuge.
However, a lot of people fear the surrender and choose to bury their grief. It’s an unpleasant and uncomfortable emotion, and our first inclination is to not go there. While it’s totally normal to want to avoid it – it’s not that helpful.
What we don’t realize is that grief is a portal to loving awareness. Love and loss are inseparable. And it’s absolutely natural.
Grief is a way to metabolize that loss and be able to keep on going. If we want to move through it in a way that it becomes soul work, we need to learn to stay and tolerate what’s really difficult.
This definitely goes against the grain of our culture. We are taught that any little piece of discomfort should be slathered with a soothing cream, a medicine, or a distraction; that we should turn our eyes and ignore the problem all together.
Death and loss are also seen as unnatural. Aging is “bad,” sickness is “bad,” death is “bad.”
That belief of “bad” interferes with opening to reality, and closes us off to our most vulnerable and beautiful parts.
So the key question here for us is, “Are we available to grieve the inevitable losses we’ll face as humans?”
When we choose to ignore or close ourselves to grief, there’s a need to control everything. We have to make sure everything goes right, and we might even adapt that bargaining mindset (God, if you just do ____, I’ll do anything).
Others choose to blame… blame the doctor who made a mistake (I know I did that when my mom died), blame the parent who acted cruelly. We can even blame and turn on ourselves. We shame ourselves or tell ourselves a fear-based story. We label the grief and the loss as “bad.”
It’s important to note here that there is a time to surrender to the grief, and also sometimes we may need to step away to help us cope when we can’t handle the magnitude of the experience. Both can be skillful – so don’t get the idea that you need to re-traumatize yourself to process grief. We can do it on our own time, our own terms...but we do it.
Now, grief is not a one-shot experience. It’s an ongoing relationship. It’s a continual surrender into reality, and when resistance arises, it’s opening to that with tenderness.
For me, when I felt that resistance in past moments of grief and I would open to it, I found an enormous amount of fear - fear of loss. It was like, if I open myself up to it, I would die. So I had to remind myself to just be with it.
Often, we get this sense that we have to grieve alone. But there are many cultures that have a deep understanding of how we need to do it together. We can carry one another in grief. We need to hold each other and cry and share stories.
We can hold grief as a sacred time. An experience that tenderizes us, shapes us, and transforms us. So the next time you or a friend experiences a loss, don’t shut that grief down so quickly. Let grief have its way with you and remember that you are not alone.
In this episode you will learn:
// How grief is a sacred time and space for us
// Why and how we bury grief
// The beautiful relationship with loss and love
// How we transform when we allow ourselves to grieve
// How to turn towards grief on our own terms
// Episode 24, How to Be with Any Emotion
// Episode 77, Change Is Inevitable
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
This Episode is all about change – and your ability to adapt to it. We all know that nothing is permanent, but we still like to hope that things won’t change too quickly. And while we know we’ve made it this far in life, we still often question our ability to be able to handle what life might send our way.
The inevitability of change and your ziji – your inner radiant confidence that you will be able to handle what comes - are inextricably linked.
Surely we’ve all experienced lots of change in the past two years thanks to the pandemic. But there has been – and continues to be – constant change beyond the pandemic. There are the fires, storms, and earthquakes. AND daily life offers lots of change as well with new jobs, relationship changes, or loss of a loved one. And let’s not forget the ways we try to fight change as it relates to aging, or our bodies changing.
Life is constantly unfolding, and we look for stability in it. We hold on to wanting the things we like to not change (but are ready as hell for the hard things to change, right?). We can grasp at this and hold on so tight, but because it is inevitable, we get rope burn.
This is why embracing change as an inevitable part of life that we can handle can be such a huge step in our practice that can help us in so many ways, because that rope burn? That is our emotional suffering that comes from resisting change.
One skill that mindfulness helps us with is to increase our window of tolerance for the changes in life – all the joys and sorrows that come with it. To increase, our “window of tolerance” for the joys and the sorrows of life.
And in our own direct experience of mindfulness of our body and mind, we have sensations and emotions that feel so freakin’ intense, and then they disappear. We feel anger and it rises and then at some point passes away. We become mindful of our thoughts and realize that they come and go too - and we recall how it felt so….REAL when we believed them.
We get lost in our thoughts, a whole world of mental projections...and then it’s gone and next thing you know we’re thinking, “what’s the next yoga class I should go to?” or “what should I have for dinner?”
That's how the mind works, and that means to be able to be present with change is a big part of the art of being human.
People will talk about divorces, losing their jobs, or their kid getting a serious diagnosis, or their parents aging or dying or having to deal with their estate after they die and all the family conflict that arises...
And what we can maybe offer our fellow humans is a kind of presence that can say, in the most compassionate way, "Yes, this is-- life is like this. And not only that - you're not alone.” I mean this first part, it’s part of self-compassion practice. It’s not meant to minimize someone’s suffering. It’s meant to create this sense of common humanity - how this is part of the deal of being human and, oh sister, oh brother, I feel you. I see you.
When we suffer due to change, we can think ah, like this, someone else is also suffering. Not to make us buck up and get over it, but to soften our heart and recognize this wild dance of life we’re in as humans.
This is part of the human journey. We can stay present for it. We can bear witness to it, for us and others...we can normalize it and say, "Yes, there is change."
So yes, at first, it sounds obvious. News flash: things change. But you can illuminate it and point to a kind of wisdom or freedom or capacity in the midst of it all.
Society, on the other hand, often tries to convince us that in fact, change isn’t going to happen and that we can even try to protect ourselves from it, right? We’re told we can protect everything – insure everything - and that way nothing will ever change. We can be safe. But true safety is in our thoughts. It is only found in ourselves. It cannot be found “out there.”
The problem with holding on so tightly to those passing moments is that we get that rope burn because it will change! What would happen if instead we savored it and experienced it and let it permeate every cell of our being – and not hold on to it.
This idea is sometimes called the “wisdom of insecurity.” It’s like Ajahn Chah’s phrase, “It’s uncertain, isn’t it?” Or Korean Zen master, Dae Seung Sahn Seon-sa-nim, who would use the “don’t know mind.” - What is love? Don’t know. What will happen tomorrow? Don’t know. What made the universe? Don’t know.
That is the wisdom of openness, of seeing that this is all a mystery, and that not only should we see life in this way, but we should also appreciate and rest in it - in the wisdom of uncertainty and insecurity.
The first thing to do when resting in this kind of wisdom might seem counterintuitive, but it is to relax. By relaxing and being present in change instead of resisting and constricting around it, you have increased capacity to hold it, to let it move through you, to be in the space within which life renews itself.
This also requires trust. Trust in a kind of resilience, in your ziji – your radiant inner confidence that you will be able to handle whatever life sends your way. Trust that something new will come, that you have capacities you didn’t know of, or that you forgot about.
The next step is to move from the content of the change that’s happening towards the process of life itself, embracing that this is the way life is. It changes. It will continue to do so. So we expand our window of tolerance for life’s joys and challenges.
The third step is to actually become the witness of it instead of the victim of it, to become the loving awareness to rest in consciousness itself, and to find within you a kind of freedom that is untouched by change. This does not mean our hearts are untouched – we can choose grief or to be brought to our knees when tragedy happens, but our freedom remains untouched.
These concepts are really revolutionary, because our culture is teaching something different. We are told that things don’t change, that it’s possible to protect it from changing. We’re advised to lock it up and find security and make sure everything isn't going to change. But that's not the reality. Life is change, and we need this medicine in so times in their life.
When we understand this, and when we can offer this to others, something beautiful happens for people. Our resilience, our ziji, our trust, our capacity to be present, our tenderness and compassion grow.
In this Episode you will learn:
// How to stop resisting change
// How to tap into your own resilience and capacity to handle it
// How to help others going through change
// The type of wisdom you can cultivate to have your freedom be untouched by change
Resources:
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
I love sharing my daily adventures… especially when they involve a gorgeous, sunny day in Hawaii or an epic alpine lake in Alaska! But social media shows a filtered version of peoples’ lives - sometimes literally. No one has this super happy blissed-out life where it’s gorgeous views and amazing fulfilling adventures all the time. That’s only half the picture. And while we may not see the messy sides as often, those messy sides are just as important – and necessary – to live a life in breakthrough.
The work we all do - meditation, yoga, thought work, etc - doesn't lead to a 100% blissed-out life for any of us because we’re humans in a body with a human brain. It's not supposed to be that way. Life is a contrast between suffering and joy, right? Yin and yang. And some types of suffering I have come to recognize and even welcome.
One of those types of suffering is what I want to focus on today: the breakdown before the breakthrough.
We’ve all experienced that moment when we’re on a path of growth, but we go through a tough time that spans between the way we think and live now and the way we think and live once we have achieved our goal or gotten to that next area of growth.
We may feel like we’re never going to achieve our goals and everything seems to...suck. This is where lots of people give up – in the breakdown before the breakthrough.
But what we don’t realize is that if we keep persevering, we will eventually have a breakthrough, that result we’ve been working for.
This is why massive action is so essential – taking action until we get our result, no matter what. We never know how close we are, so we need to commit and keep going for it because too many of us stop right before our result is about to happen.
And when that breakthrough happens, it’s MIND BLOWING! So it’s worth being in the discomfort.
Also: that moment of breakdown is a cycle inherent in all of our lives, and we often think when we are in it that something is wrong… but it’s actually necessary.
What is a breakthrough? We get to it by breaking old patterns. We break through our previous ways of thinking, our limiting beliefs, our habitual emotional and behavioral patterns that don’t serve us.
And I really believe that in order for me to teach you to live in constant breakthrough, that I also need to be living in breakthrough. For me, it’s where the juice, the mojo, of my business comes from.
How do we live in breakthrough?
Ray Dalio said, “The quality of your life ultimately depends on quality of your decisions.”
And I’d take that a step further and say it’s not just the quality of your decisions, but the efficacy with which you implement them and what you learn from the experience to inform the next decision.
So if we’re talking about creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose, that means your level of inner and outer freedom is determined by:
That IS the path of living in breakthrough. And the more cycles of this we go through, the more likely we are to reach our breakthrough because we get better at making decisions, we stop being afraid of failure, and we are willing to keep going.
Despite how necessary this process is in to live in breakthrough, we often stop at one of the points within the cycle:
Decision: we don’t decide because we are afraid to fail and afraid of how we react. But we have to commit to massive action and remember that failure is part of living in breakthrough. We also need to make those decisions as if we had already achieved our goal… and keep practicing!
Implementing: It’s natural human drive to want to grow, but it’s also a natural human fear to want to avoid failure. So, we end up procrastinating once we decide. But avoiding taking action (MASSIVE action) is actually super exhausting because we end up spinning our wheels on the same problem over and over.
It’s important to not decide against something before you try it or stay stuck in indecision about something that you couldn’t possibly know about because you’ve never done it before. How would you know if you’ve made the right decision until you make it and try it?
But we shouldn’t make haphazard decisions either. It’s important that we slow down enough to get into having clean energy around it. Rash decisions come from thinking with a scarcity mindset.
Evaluation: Sometimes we don’t want to learn from our decision and actions because it felt so crappy that things didn’t go that way we wanted that we just want to forget about it and not think about it. But before we make our next decision, we are more likely to succeed if we evaluate what worked, what didn’t work, what we might have half-assed, and what we will do differently with the experience. The more specific we are, the more powerful our next decision will be. Sometimes we won’t change anything. We’ll just do it again with more experience under our belt and greater belief about our ability to make it happen.
Repeat: to reach our breakthrough and create our results, we need to repeat this cycle over and over until we get there. Often we give up just because it didn’t work out the first, second, third or 80th time. That’s where massive action comes in – taking action until we reach out goal.
This process holds true for more tangible goals like a new home or creating a new career, as well as less tangible goals such as forgiving someone, healing a trauma, opening your heart to more compassion, cultivating more courage, and progressing on your spiritual path.
Go out and experiment with this process. It may be hard to understand it at first, but the moment you start doing it, everything will change and it will make much more sense.
So, make decisions, implement them, evaluate them. And then ask, where do I need to grow? That will help you make your next decision. And ultimately, it will push you through that breakdown and put you right into your next breakthrough!
In this Episode you will learn:// Why breakdowns always happen before the breakthrough
// How to not feel exhausted as you move towards your breakthrough
// What living in constant breakthrough can look like for you
// The 3-step cycle to get you to your breakthrough
// How to overcome indecision and fear of failure
// Episode 60: How to Avoid Unnecessary Suffering
// Episode 62: Commitment and How to Take Massive Action
// Episode 63: Being Human Is Hard - the First Noble Truth
// Episode 70: Maximizing vs Satisficing
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
“I’m sorry I made you mad.” “I’m sorry I upset you.” “He hurt my feelings.” We hear these things and say these things throughout our lives and assume they are true. But they are not. In reality, believing that we can control how people think and feel actually keeps us from accessing genuine compassion and kindness.
Over the past few months, I’ve talked a lot about how other people and external circumstances don’t cause our feelings, but rather it’s our thoughts about them and what they do that create our feelings. When we start to accept our role in our own suffering and get curious about how our perceptions, thoughts, and stories can add to our suffering, we grow into a level of emotional maturity (*please note this podcast is not meant to be applied to deep unprocessed/unhealed trauma without the support of a therapist who feels it is an appropriate time to explore these concepts).
Today, we’re going to the next level: integrating that wisdom with the reality that in the same way, we don’t cause other people’s thoughts and feelings.
Yes, this is true even when you might think you’re being extra rude, or when you’re feeling guilty about how you acted because you feel/know it was unskillful (breaking agreements, violating boundaries etc).
But for some reason, this is even more challenging for many people to grock than the first concept. It definitely was for me. (Anyone else a Catholic-raised guilt expert?)
Other people’s thoughts come from their brains. Their stories are running in their mind in the same way it happens in yours. We all have our own stories, narratives, biases, and thought patterns that determine how we think or feel.
You’ve heard me mention that all circumstances are neutral – empty of inherent qualities. It’s when we add thoughts to them that take on qualities like “good” or “bad.” The same is true for us as individuals: we are a neutral circumstance that someone else is having a thought about, and we can’t control how they interpret what you say and do.
We can see this more clearly when we do the exact same thing and two different people have very different reactions. This happens because they have two different brains and will interpret that action totally differently! Through their own filters. They have different reactions because their thoughts are different. Heck, sometimes even the same exact person can change how they react to the same thing day-to-day, right?
Now, this isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card or permission for you to be an asshole to anyone you want because you don’t “cause” their feelings. That would be some serious spiritual bypassing and gaslighting. Rather, this is about showing up in the world in the way you want to, and doing your best to do that with wisdom, integrity, and compassion, and then releasing responsibility for whatever others think or feel about you.
Why are we so hell-bent on taking responsibility for other people’s feelings? And why are we always apologizing for how people feel - as if we control that? I think we apologize a lot for how someone feels because we think if we don’t take responsibility for other people’s feelings, then we are a “bad” person. We’re taught from a young age that if we love or care about someone then it means we make them have good feelings and help them to not have bad feelings. So often we believe that if we don’t act on that, then we’re being selfish.
But what’s being missed here is that we don’t need to take responsibility for their feelings. If we break an agreement or violate a boundary, then we can take responsibility for what we DID. How someone feels about what we did is out of our area of control, and if we keep thinking we are responsible for that, we can spin in an endless cycle of trying to change how other people think about us so we can feel better about ourselves but since we can’t control what people think and feel we end up spinning.
Remember: not taking responsibility for another person’s feelings doesn’t mean we’re selfish. It doesn’t mean we’re a “bad” daughter, manager, partner, mother, sister, friend. We are simply releasing that which we have no control over.
In fact, believing that you cause other people’s feelings doesn’t actually make us a “better” anything. It’s not a kind action when we try to change how people feel because we want to feel better about ourselves, because it stops being about them and ends up being about us instead, and we have less access to genuine compassion and kindness.
When we release responsibility for other people’s feelings, we can actually have more genuine compassion for their suffering. We don’t try to change them. We can love them and be more present and more in our hearts than in our heads. That’s authentic kindness!
Now, we also can’t control whether someone else notices or appreciates your felt experience of compassion and kindness and acceptance. But you will feel more kindness, compassion, and unconditional love. Which is something you can control.
// How we literally cannot be responsible for how people feel and act
// Why this concept is important to us… and how NOT to use the knowledge
// Why we’re always apologizing for how people feel
// How to correctly apologize to someone (and when)
// How owning others’ feelings is actually LESS kind to them and yourself
// Episode 2, How to Not Care What Other People Think About You
// Episode 11, How to Stop People Pleasing
// Episode 28, Practical Emptiness
// Episode 74, How to Set Healthy Boundaries
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
In my life, there is almost NO consistency. Which can be awesome for spontaneous journeys or trips and fun nights-in doing silly things with my daughter and husband. But it can also be an absolute pain in the butt when it comes to the simple things in my marriage like who is cooking dinner, or who is picking our kid up from school or even who is going to be home that weekend!
To minimize the chaos (and keep us both semi-sane), my husband and I have LOTS of conversations about these things that most people would already know well in advance because their life is… well, consistent!
This has been a learning journey for both of us and it’s gotten better as we’ve grown and found out more about ourselves and each other. This is especially true around us setting and honoring boundaries and being really clear about them.
When our boundaries are clear, it’s a lot easier to manage the other stuff.
This episode is really about how to set boundaries like a Buddha - saying no and making requests while standing in your power, being clear, compassionate, and full of love… and NOT trying to control people, which can be a really “sticky” part of this.
One thing to understand when setting healthy boundaries is the concept of “The Manual.” This is all the expectations we have of how we want others to behave in order for us to avoid being uncomfortable.
You may not know what’s in your manual until someone isn’t following it. Then suddenly you’re like “Oh, shit. You’re not who I thought you were.”
Well, it would be more correct to say, “I had certain expectations and thoughts about you that are no longer valid.”
Not sure what your manual looks like? You can start by asking yourself some of these questions whenever someone stops following yours:
• How did you expect that person to behave and why?
• How would you feel if they behaved in that way?
• Do we want them to behave like that, even if they don’t want to?
(Head to BoundariesTraining.com for a free training I did to explore The Manual more)
What’s important to remember about the Manual is that trying to control people does not work. Trust me. I’ve tried it.
We also need to remember that we are all completely 100% loveable as we are. And when we accept that, we can stop putting so much weight into how others behave because we don’t need that external validation to experience worthiness.
What about healthy boundaries vs unhealthy boundaries? Healthy boundaries come from a place of accepting the other person gets to be who they are instead of trying to force them to act a certain way so you can control them. It’s really about what we do in a situation where we wish that someone else wouldn’t act how they are, and also accepting that we cannot control or change their actions ourselves. Not legally anyway.
Healthy boundaries aren’t for the little things, like your partner not putting his dirty socks in the laundry basket or the way your friend tells annoying jokes that you find boring. The truth here is that they can do that and we can focus on managing our minds so we can get over it.
For real.
A healthy boundary protects your physical space, health, and safety and your emotional / mental space, health and safety. It’s for the bigger things. This is REALLY important to grock, because there’s a difference between protecting your emotional space and not wanting to be uncomfortable.
We also see this come up with people who invade your space like coming over unannounced all the time, or who verbally abuse you when you talk to them.
We are also seeing this come up a lot these days in how people with differing values have to navigate their friendships, family relationships and community with boundaries around their preferences for COVID mitigation, right?
Here’s another super important point: healthy boundaries are focused on YOUR actions, not on making someone else behave a certain way. It’s about what YOU do if someone violates your physical or emotional space, health, and safety.
It’s, “If you come over unannounced, I won’t answer the doorbell even if I’m home.” “If you yell at me, I‘m going to leave the room.”
Let’s say you’re someone who does not want to hang out indoors without a mask on. You can tell a friend, “If you want to hang out inside without a mask on, I’ll have to decline, or I can suggest something outside for us to do.”
Your boundary should also be something you will follow through on. Often, we create a situation by not enforcing our boundaries, and yet we blame the other person (BTW this is not applicable to situations like IPV where enforcing boundaries can literally be life-threatening – more on that in the pod). Think about the parent who constantly threatens a kid but never follows through. Adults respond the same way a kid does if they think a boundary won’t be enforced. They will push it and not take it seriously.
Some people ask me if they have to actually tell someone about a boundary they have. This isn’t always necessary, but it can be helpful with clear communication. Other times, you can just keep it to yourself. Trust your inner wisdom on this and remember that the boundary is for you.
In this episode I also give you 5 questions you can ask yourself when you see the need for a boundary to help you set up and maintain a healthy boundary.
There’s a lot more in the episode, but here’s the final thing I want to say about boundaries here:
None of this means we can’t make requests. We can say “Do you mind picking your dirty socks up and putting them in the laundry?” “Could you cook dinner twice a week? I’d love that.”
But we cannot make our emotional well-being dependent on whether people meet those requests or no, because I really really want you to be putting your energy towards things you can control (which is not other people). They can love you and NOT want to do that. Or even NOT love you and want to do that! Those are separate things.
Trust me. When you can set healthy boundaries - when you can say NO from a place of self-love and compassion and calm - you are saying YES to your inherent worthiness and love-ability which is already yours 100%. You’re saying YES to the life you were meant to live.
So, get out there and set some boundaries so that you can spend your energy on creating an amazing life - and NOT on trying to control other people’s behavior!
Life is too short for BS like that, amiright?
In this Episode you will learn:
// What The Manual is and how to identify it in your life and relationships
// 5 questions to ask yourself when setting a healthy boundary
// The difference between a boundary and an ultimatum
// What is “worthy” of a boundary vs something you could make a request for (and how to deal with it if they say, “No thanks.”
// If and when to tell others about your boundary
// How to enforce a boundary from a place of love and compassion and not anger and resentment
Resources:
// Check out Episode 16, How to Improve Any Relationship
//Want to know more about how to create boundaries like a Buddha? Grab my free training on how to set boundaries that actually work – and how to do this from a place of kindness and compassion. www.BoundariesTraining.com
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
I get asked a lot where the name for my podcast, “Rebel Buddhist”, came from. Often people will say, “Wow - I can’t imagine a rebel Buddhist with like guns, or weapons - isn’t that the opposite of Buddhism? Isn’t that a kind of...oxymoron?”
And I’m thinking, “That’s not exactly the definition of ‘rebel’ that I had in mind.”
Here’s where I’m coming from:
My main motto is, “Free Your Mind, Free Your Life.” When you free your mind of the things that no longer serve you, the freedom you experience in life also follows. But freeing you mind requires a new, radical way of thinking. You really need to go against the way most of the world thinks. And against how the brain works when in its default mode.
If you search for the definition of “rebel,” one says a rebel is, “a person who resists authority, control, or convention.”
And that’s exactly what you have to do to create a life of freedom, adventure and purpose: go against convention. Conventional ways of thinking. Of definitions of success – and how to get there. Of what to prioritize.
Now, I’ve often said that I’m a really good rule follower. But that’s really only true when the rule makes sense to me. I question all rules because in my own spiritual practice I’ve been trained to question all my perceptions and ask, “Is this true? Is this real?” I’ve been trained to question everything. And to consider that the way I may see things might be inaccurate.
That I should not follow convention “just because."
And I‘ll admit: I kinda like breaking the rules that don’t make sense.
I think we should always question the rules, the status quo, conventional thinking.
I believe in freedom, and I especially think it’s important to question those that try to control us or claim infallible authority over us.
So yes, I see mindfulness practices, thought work, learning about how our minds work, and all this work as a revolutionary and rebellious act because it inherently requires you to question and resist doing things “just because.”
One of the things that I find we need to question and resist is this idea that our happiness comes from outside of us, and that we aren’t inherently worthy and that we need more more more to become worthy, and that because we are flawed or imperfect, we need to look outside of us for wisdom and answers.
Yeah – f*ck that.
Today I’m calling B.S. on that rule. We don’t have to look outside of ourselves to find the answers to the very personal, intimate, deep questions that shape the trajectory of our inner and outer lives.
Many of us are so used to looking outward for answers that we often only feel confident when someone gives us the recipe. We’ve forgotten the capacity for our inner wisdom.
What I’m really saying here is that you don’t need no stinkin’ guru. You already are creative, resourceful, and whole. You already have Buddha-nature within you.
Now, I’m not saying that you NEVER need a teacher or a mentor. I’ve had amazing teachers who really helped me and never abused their role and power in our relationship, and who helped me realize my own inner wisdom. I always work with a coach. I have my spiritual mentors I meet with regularly about my practice. But the difference is they don’t imply that I “need” them - I am working with the because I like it and like using their “recipes” and tweaking them to make them my own.
I am learning more and more about the depth of our inner wisdom and inner healer in my fellowship in psychedelic-assisted therapy and studies with MAPS. This intelligence is the innate ability and wisdom to move towards a wholeness and wellbeing, and it is a natural and innate capacity to heal and grow that we all have.
In this particular therapy it is essential that we understand and trust that it is that inner healer - not the therapist - that guides the healing process.
It’s like healing a laceration. If you come to me in the Emergency Department, I can remove the dirt and debris and help create favorable conditions for healing, but I do not cause the healing. The body does.
The body spontaneously attempts to move toward healing - and so does the psyche.
The existence of that inner healer and your relationship with that internal source of wisdom and power will outlast any spiritual practice. And when you tap into your ziji - that radiant inner confidence - you will know in your bones that you can lead a fulfilled and healthy life and that you have the wisdom to get you there.
I do want to mention that while trauma can impact how accessible the inner wisdom is, it does not damage it. The right guide can be very helpful as you learn how to access that inner wisdom, particularly with trauma.
AND - having a guide who walks next to us and helps us access our inner wisdom is something we can all benefit from. So let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Let’s keep in mind that if we feel having a coach or a mentor is an important piece in our life, remember that you do not “need” them to move forward. You have what it takes to do it yourself because you are already creative, resourceful and whole. So check that relationship and take back your power. See your own inner wisdom as an equal.
You can enjoy having support and guidance AND appreciate and honor your inner wisdom.
This does means you “need” to do it alone. Rather, it is essential that we know and trust that we have the capacity to know what we are meant to do, and that we own the progress we make as our own.
That’s actually what ziji is all about! A radiant inner confidence in our capacity to grow, heal, love, flourish… to do ALL the things.
This innate wisdom of ours is most easily seen when we stop resisting life as it is and start to accept that we are exactly where we are supposed to be right here and right now. Then we can more authentically discern what is right for us.
So how can we start cultivating this inner healer that we all have? I go into more detail about this in the episode, but we can start by learning how to listen to it and how it shows up for us. We can look back on times we listened and times we didn’t listen and reflect on what happened.
Remember, you are the medicine. You are your own guru.
// What a “Rebel Buddhist” actually is (IMO)
// Why it is so hard for us to trust ourselves
// Why it is dangerous to not trust your inner wisdom
// How to find a good mentor/teacher/guide
// What our inner wisdom is and how to access it
// How to use your ziji to guide you in big life decisions
Resources:
// Check out my blog post on How to Choose a Life Coach
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
“Work is love made visible.”
Beautiful, right?
But for a lot of us, it might also sound like a load of bullsh*t.
After all, work environments can be super unhealthy, both in their culture and environment. And I know that a lot of you Freedom Junkies want to have freedom of time, money, energy, and location, but your work place may not offer that.
You’re not alone. These days there are a lot of messages that tell us that the only way to be really happy and truly free is to quit your job and become an entrepreneur.
Is this true? Well, it’s an option...
BUT – and this is a big BUT - no matter what job we have or who we work for (even if it’s ourselves), there’s always one thing to follow us around. Our brain!
And within our brains are our thoughts and beliefs and, therefore, a huge part of how we experience the world. Including our work.
ALL of the hard things can be very real for us. But how we experience and interpret those things is largely dependent on our perceptions and thoughts and beliefs about it. And many of our beliefs are patterns – like our inherent worthiness (or lack there of), a scarcity or abundance mindset, an empowered or helpless locus of control – and are beliefs that we carry with us everywhere we go.
So, if we leave our job and start our own business or find a new company, if we don’t do the thought work to address how we experience life and our beliefs that drive how we feel and act, then that negative view of the world will continue.
This episode isn’t do much about if you should stay in your current work situation or leave- check out Episode 29 for that.
Today’s episode is really focused on those who are working, no matter what type of job or who you’re working for. It’s also for parents, caregivers, and householders working for their loved ones.
Today is for all of us, because work is a very intimate thing that we all do.
This is why I want to explore: How can we take this huge part of our day (and our lives) and turn it into something … sacred?
I’ve found one of the best motivators for work and for having meaningful work is whew we can start to see work as an expression of love.
David Whyte says, “work is intimacy and discovery.” He says it is a part of ourselves, and with the right work and the right relationship to that work, we can be at home in what we do – and offer our gifts to others, which is a natural human longing.
Surprisingly enough, we don’t have to have a “perfect” job for this type of mentality to be true. Sure, doing work that aligns with your values helps a lot (there’s a lot less thought work that has to be done;), but you don’t have to wait for it to be perfect before you feel good about it.
I remember my uncle, who was a janitor. You might think that no one loves being a janitor, and that may be true in a way. But I know he loved his family and providing for them. He loved the students at the school he worked at. He made jokes and laughed while working. He infused his work with love, and his life was a lot more meaningful for him as a result.
Now I want to be clear: this is NOT about settling. This is not about being OK with a toxic situation or an unhealthy environment.
It goes back to Shantideva’s quote that I love: “If you can change something, why be unhappy? If you cannot change something, why be unhappy?”
So by all means, let’s work on helping our external world align with our values. AND, in the meantime, let’s have less suffering a lot more meaning in our lives. Again, you don’t have to wait to get started on this.
Let’s take a vulnerable look at our work and what motivates us.
“Work is love made visible.”
If this was true for you, what would that look and feel like?
For me, I feel less burnout. I don’t see my work as a burden. Instead, I can see how everything I do helps me express this love I have for my fellow humans.
This has been true for me in all kinds of jobs. From coaching or refugee work to being a New York Times paper girl or working in a beauty supply shop.
No matter what you do, no matter how far-reaching or however small, how can you make it so your work is “love made visible?”
It can be how we create something at work, how we interact with others, or how we impact the physical place that we’re in.
Life is too short to be feeling bitter or resentful or bored most of our day, just waiting for it to end.
That’s not how we were meant to live.
So of course, continue to align your inner and outer life. That’s that we do in Freedom School. AND - whatever work you’re doing in this moment, find a way to help it be love made visible!
// How we can bring more meaning into our work – whether you already love it or not!
// How you can love and not settle at the same time
// What a better motivation is than fear of failure
Resources:
// Check out Episode 29, Should I Stay or Should I Go?
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com It’s not too late!
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, now is the perfect time to join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
I have a lot of Freedom School students who come to me stressed out and anxious because they have no idea what their life purpose – and they’ve been waiting a long time to figure it out.
They have a longing – as we all do – to know what and who and how they are “supposed to be” in this world.
I know it’s totally cliché to for a life coach to be talking about life purpose - but it actually makes a lot of sense because it creates a lot of suffering for people when they don’t know. It’s also why I’ve always focused on helping people get clear about this. After all, is there anyone who hasn’t wondered what their purpose was?
There’s a lot of talk about people being born with a purpose and that all we have to do is discover it… like some mystical quest or vision. Then, suddenly, everything will become so clear, the burden will be lifted, and you can start to DO.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but that’s not quite how it works.
I’ve tried everything before: fasting alone in the wilderness for days… taking various psychedelics… doing coaching, journaling, programs…
Sure, I’ve gained insight into my purpose, but I didn’t just wake up one day with an AH HA! I ahd to also get clear through experimenting.
I’ve also learned that when my clients discover their purpose, they often realize it was right in front of them the whole time.
Why? Because we already live our purpose in our everyday lives. We just don’t see it because we have this expectation of what it should look like, feel like, or what it will be like to discover it.
Instead, all we “discover” is distress because we have a deep longing to live our purpose and still don’t know what it is.
Years ago, as a full-time midwife, I was also growing my coaching practice. I knew that part of my purpose was to help people live fully and with meaning. To live intentionally, in alignment with their values. And I loved doing it.
But I loved catching babies too! I thought these two were totally disconnected, but a psychic told me (yeah – I tried that too;), “you catch babies, you are the FIRST person they see - you are the first to look into the baby’s eyes. You can help them know their purpose at that moment.”
And how true was that? Turns out: very (more on that in the pod).
The more I’ve studied how humans discover their purpose, the more I believe we are born with the ability to see our purpose clearly.
We are all here for a reason. And so we are all important.
You are needed in this world, and if you do not fulfill your purpose, something would be irrevocably and missing from the world.
A lot of people feel this kind of inquiry into our unique purpose is very ego-driven and “wordly” and has nothing to do with spiritual growth. I beg to differ.
So, what does finding purpose have to do with Buddhism or the dharma… or any spiritual practice?
Most of us are not enlightened yet. We live in a relative reality that uses sensory perceptions and our brain to drive how we feel and act, moving around in this goddess pod of a body doing this human experience thing with a perception that we are separate from all that surrounds us. It is said that enlightened beings, on the other hand, don’t “escape” that relative reality. Rather, they have one foot in relative reality, and another foot in the ultimate reality of emptiness and oneness.
Those of us who are living mostly in relative reality long for fulfillment because we are humans, we have a body and a brain that work a certain way, and there are parts of our psyche that we need to attend to while having this human experience, and not abandon them.
When we don’t attend to this very human longing for purpose and meaning and instead try to transcend it altogether, , we feel distraught, anxious, unsettled, maybe even hollow or angry or...unworthy.
I believe that if we dissociate from any part of our wholeness as a human, we will experience suffering, imbalance, and division within us. We aren’t supposed to be attached, to what our purpose is “supposed” to look like and what life is “supposed” to be like - but we can enjoy life and the fulfillment of living our purpose!
It’s not purpose-finding that’s the problem. It’s when we get attached to what it’s supposed to be/look like.
Now, the trick to discovering your purpose will requiring not so much learning new things, but rather the unlearning of many societal a nd cultural norms you’ve been taught to believe are unquestionable.
Unlearning how things are “supposed to” look like. Unlearning the boxes we’re put into. The rules we’re “supposed to” follow.
Our purpose can be expressed in many different ways. For me, it has been expressed in being a midwife, a life coach, a climbing guide, and more. There was no “right way” for me to bring my purpose to the world. So we need to unlearn what we think it is supposed to look like. We need to remember that our purpose is not the same as the delivery system.
How do you know if what you’re doing is your purpose or if it’s just what you’ve been taught to believe? I talk a lot about this in the podcast, but I take you through a process that Martha Beck taught me called The Three N’s: Notice, Narrow, and Name. Notice what lights you up. Narrow those down to the things that light you up the brightest. Name that thing.
Remember, the path will never be 100% happiness. That’s just not life. Life has it all - the contrast of experiences; and that’s natural and nothing has gone wrong if it isn’t all joy.
But even when it gets tough, following your own path, your own purpose, has meaning.
So what is that for you, rebel? Find that… and then DO THAT! Trust that you've always known it. It’s right there.
// Why it’s so important to find your purpose
// How to not confuse your purpose with the delivery system
// The 3 N’s to finding your purpose without all the confusion
// Check out Episode 63 on the first noble truth: suffering and the different types
// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course – and we have only TWO spots left before we start in October! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com If you see this after registration has closed, you can get on the waitlist for the next one because it is going to be the experience of the YEAR for the people who come.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
I’m currently caught in the middle of a fairly common decision: what fun thing do I want to do this weekend? If you have FOMO, you know you can spend some serious energy debating all the options: outdoor music, road trip, camping with friends, and outside of a pandemic, which party/band/event to go to.
Lots of times, when we have a decision to make, we sit and debate because we want to make the “best” choice. But really, sometimes we never know what the “best” choice is until we’ve made the decision and start living it. And lots of times, making that decision is straight-up exhausting because we really really really want to get it right.
Then there are moments where you’re less caught between options and given fewer choices. And these – interestingly - are usually easier.
Barry Schwartz, psychologist and author of The Paradox of Choice, talked about living in a culture that assumes more choices is better. What his research shows is that having lots of choices is actually a sort of curse on our happiness!
He divides people into 2 categories: those who, when faced with many choices, try to maximize their gain, and those who satisfice (satisfy + suffice) by accepting the first available option to meet their criteria.
Now, satisficing isn’t a new idea… but it basically means that when presented with a decision to make, someone will first consider what they want to gain/preserve, then evaluate their options to find the solution that meets those needs.
Between the two, maximizing is a form of perfection… and we all know how stressful that can be. There’s even a Maximization Scale that assesses the degree to which people engage in behaviors to try to get the BEST result with the BEST possible option. Research with this scale shows that there are also positive correlations between maximization and depression and regret, too.
Then, after all that stressful work of trying to make the “best” decisions, maximizers are usually less satisfied with purchasing decisions AND are more likely to engage in social comparison. The root of this seems to lie in experiencing regret.
This is true whether maximizers have to make everyday decisions or big decision. Maximizers may be able to narrow down options, but if there are multiple choices that could be great, they freeze and can’t make a decision because... what if it’s wrong? Enter: Analysis paralysis.
The problem with wanting to know it was the “right” decision in advance is that in addition to the fact that we don’t know until we DO the thing, most of us can’t predict the future. So we will never know. After the fact, we still don’t know what all the other options could have brought – even though we like to think our imagination is always right ;)
In contrast to maximizers, we find the satisficers. They aren’t “settling” for less than what they want. They also don’t just pull a choice out of a hat and say LET’S GO! They just approach the decision-making differently.
Why bother with finding out if you maximize or satisfice? Because they relate to your happiness – and happy people tend to satisfice!
Us perfectionists may find this hard to believe, because we think our high-standard obsession will make better decisions, which SHOULD equal happiness. But really, we may miss out on a good opportunity when we keep waiting for a better one. And we usually are not ultimately happier… we just end up more stressd and regretful.
The thing is, regret is a decision! WE get to decide whether we made the right choice. WE get to decide to stop comparing options and wondering, “What if?”
So what’s a maximizer to do? I got into lots of things in the podcast, but some starting points are:
// Outline your key criteria for success FIRST. What is it you want? Get really clear about this and make sure your criteria are objective so you know if something meets it or not.
// Choose the first option that satisfies that criteria. (gasp! I know, right?!)
// Then once you've decided, don’t look back. Don’t waffle. Focus on the positive aspects of the choice, not what “might” have been.
Remember that we all have a limited capacity for decision making on any given day. Don’t overdraw on that decision-making account baalnce, because that diminishes the quality of the decisions you make too.
The bottom line is this: it's important to change our thinking that when we don’t explore all the options, we will end up settling.
Choosing something that meets your key criteria and the key things you want is not settling.
When you practice satisficing, you can be happier in the long run. You will have more energy and clarity for those big decision-making moments too.
And if you need to, practice satisficing this week with little things then work your way up to bigger decisions.
Remember - regret is a choice. Don’t let it rule your life. Get out there and satisfice!
In this episode you’ll learn:
// The key differences between maximizing and satisficing
// Why too many choices can be a bad thing
// How to make decisions and avoid regret
// Why satisficing ultimately makes you happier than maximizing
// Tips to get started satisficing today
Resources:
// Check out Episode 69 on Defining what is “enough” for you
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
As a life coach, I dislike - maybe even loathe - seeing business coaches talk about “making six figures off your first launch.” Or when they use cheesy marketing ploys that promise six-figures... but only if you study their blueprint, map, or 6-week program. Why?
Well, who came up with 6-figure earnings being THE GOAL anyway?
I recently took a good look at my own finances with the goal of finding out what my true minimum income would be for me to not just pay my bills, but to be happy and feel fulfilled with all the things I want to do in life! What was truly enough for me?
All these 6-figure gurus have pushed this idea that once you make 6-figures, you will be happier and healthier and, let’s face it, some even give the vibe you’ll even be sexier. And of course if we look at this from a literal perspective, that money won’t really make you happy in the deepest sense of the word…
But studies have shown that, contrary to earlier findings, happiness does grow the more money you make. Previous studies suggested a plateu of the relationship between happiness and money – somewhere around $75k a year. But more recent research shows income is “robustly associated” with positive feelings in day-to-day moments and overall life satisfaction.
So can money buy happiness?
Not exactly.
I admit that I got sucked into this idea of 6-figure success and used this in my early days of coaching to measure my own success. What sucked was that using that goal negated all of the amazing work my clients and I were doing BEFORE that 6-figure mark.
Nothing was good enough to me until I reached that goal, even though I used to live an amazing, fulfilling life, traveling the world and only making $14,000 a year as a climbing guide.
Clearly I needed to take a look at that 6-figure goal and find out if that was truly my “enough.” I was aiming for that for all the wrong reasons.
After I explored what I truly needed and wanted – not to avoid being destitute but what I needed to create simple abundance – it turns out I was much closer than I thought. I’m guessing the same is true for you too.
How did I go about discovering that sweet-spot number for myself? How did I discover the minimum I needed to create simple abundance, to be happy and thriving - paying my bills, having fun, and offering my gifts to the world?
I dive into that in this podcast.
First, we need to make sure our ambition is rooted in what is truly important to us. We often think that we are not enough. We need to do more, have more, because of patriarchal consumerism and capitalism… this idea that more more more equals more worthiness.
Instead, we can shift to find abundance in what is fun and sustainable and where our growth is motivated by first knowing our inherent worthiness and NOT basing our goals from a sense of lack and scarcity and fear (which is what I used to do when I had my 6-figure goal when I first started).
If you are looking at your “must have” list and you aren’t sure, remember this: When you know what “enough” truly is for you, abundance flows even more freely. So don’t be scared to go to enough. More will flow.
In other words, when you simplify your life, you will find abundance flows in more freely. I believe this partly because once you know your minimum, anything above that is easy to see as a blessing. As more than enough.
Second, don’t stop striving for that 6-figure goal if you want to! It’s not the number in and of itself. We need to not define our self-worth and happiness by that number.
Third, remember that your “enough” isn’t the bare minimum you need to live on in order to not become homeless or destitute. It’s the minimum you need to create your version of simple abundance, to be happy and thrive!
We need to also remember that we may need to revisit this number as we –and our lives – change.
It can be pretty tricky to figure out, and the mind can certainly mess with us in regards to what we “need” vs what we want, but it’s absolutely worth doing. And while you strive to create abundance, may you also remember to put in the thoughtwork, the active mindfulness, to remind yourself of your true power within to live a life of integrity and joy.
In this episode you will learn:
// Can money really buy happiness?
// Why do we correlate money with emotional wellbeing?
// How patriarchy has skewed our version of “enough”
// How “enough” can naturally lead to abundance
// How to find our own version of “enough” - or simple abundance - using my handy spreadsheet I created for you!
Resources:
// Check out Episode 41 on Money and Right Livelihood
// Download the Simple Abundance Budget Sheet I refer to here: Excel Version & Numbers Version
// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com - applications are open and we are filling up!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
Today, we talk about adventure and being devoted to it.
Adventure is essential to our evolution.
When I was a child, I would get soooo bored. I was an only child in a poor neighborhood that had so much gun violence I wasn’t even allowed to play in the front of the house because of all the drive-by shootings…let alone walk to a friend’s house.
I made a promise to myself that when I grew up, I would never—ever—feel bored again.
While this promise ended up creating a full-blown addiction to adventure, what I didn’t expect was that adventure also helped me along my spiritual path in surprising ways.
Adventure is a very personal word, and my definition of adventure doesn’t have to be yours
You can feel adventure when climbing a mountain; you can feel it overcoming a physical challenge like a marathon, or experiencing an illness like cancer; you can feel it when you risk your heart to be with your soul mate. I even feel adventure when I go to a new city, check out a new restaurant, try a new yoga pose, or learn a new skill. Or, more recently, move to a new state.
Good ol’ Merriam Webster defines adventure as:
1: an undertaking usually involving danger and unknown risks
2: an exciting or remarkable experience
Adventure often involves risk – but not necessarily danger. It can be very self-limiting to confuse the two.
The main take-home is that adventure includes an element of something out of the ordinary.
Definitely not routine.
Definitely not boring.
So why exactly is adventure – and the risks we take with adventures – important to our evolution?
When things get too familiar or routine, our minds grow dull, and the negative thought patterns and limiting beliefs that we all have are harder to break.
Things feel more permanent and real. We think we have “proof” that they are permanent and real because nothing seems to be changing.
But this isn’t true.
They only appear to not be changing because to be efficient, our brains prefer to travel down the same neural pathways and do things the same way they’ve always been done.
Therefore, we do the same thing, and we get the same results.
Nothing changes.
Then we say, “See! That’s how things really are!”
When we think things are static, that’s when we think we don’t have a choice. That’s when we suffer and get stuck. That’s when we give up.
It becomes the Same. Old. Sh*t. Every day.
Adventure helps us get unstuck. And it is essential to your evolution.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:// What being DEVOTED to adventure looks like
// How adventure changes our brain
// How to live an adventurous life on your own terms
// Things you can do to bring adventure into your life every day
// For the geeks, you can check out the 2011 study by Ben Fletcher here.
// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com – applications are open now
// Learn more about Kahea and what they do to protect Hawaiian land - and please consider donating to this important indigenous cause. Check it out here.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
This week’s pod is all about how to fail – and do it well… and fair warning, it’s got some tough love in it!
Now, many of us give up too easily and we complain about our perceived failures way too much, right? And we both know that what I teach is all about freedom - to free your mind and free your life.
The thing is: avoiding failure – having low failure resilience - is costing you your dreams, success, growth, learning, and expansion!
When I see someone who is afraid to fail and not willing to take action (because a main reason why people don’t take action is fear of failure), I see something amazing that is being put off, or that might never manifest. When I see someone indulging in excuses, blaming or pointing the finger I see no benefit – just that we are staying stuck.
So today is about how you can increase your failure resilience. One of my superpowers is seeing what’s possible for people, especially when they can’t see it for themselves. And I really see a lot of people quit too early on their dreams. Many of us want to get out of debt… want to get healthy...want to have a more meaningful career… want better mental health... But we also often want it to be easy! We want the result, but don’t want to do the work. Or at least not do it when it ends up being more than we expected.
We're afraid of the journey because it’s probably going to be painful. But we ALL have been there. AND… we were born ready to fail! It’s like babies falling over and over when they learn to walk. They HAVE to fall – its part of the learning. And think of where we’d all be if we gave up whenever we failed a bunch of times in a row. None of us would walk or eat. For realz.
So even though the grit is innate in us, somehow it gets deconditioned. We start to worry about what people think. We think failure is a permanent part of who we fundamentally are, and that it somehow defines our worth. And we’re even taught to avoid it, like in school when we’re taught that a failing grade somehow means you aren’t good enough.
Learning how to fail starts with changing what failure means. Instead of it meaning something about who we are, about our worth, it can be just an example of the thoughts we have about a result we create. “I failed” is a thought. Not a fact, no matter how much we think it’s a fact.
I don’t care if you got divorced. Didn’t get the job. Weren’t accepted to the grad school of your choice.
It’s not failure unless – until - we think of it that way.
The next step is to figure out how to get it done. And how do we do that? By taking action.
Sure, there are places in life where it might be helpful for an expert to tell you what to do or give you the answers. But you can’t wait for someone to tell you when it comes to the really important decisions in your life. That’s all you. And we have to do things to get clear. To get unstuck. Otherwise, if we’re just “deciding” about something, we are just avoiding the possibility of failure.
And you can’t have a major life shift without doing. Clarity through action. Learning through action. And yes… that means lots of failure.
Remember: failure is not factual. Failure is a result we created with action or inaction, and “feeling like a failure” is the result of a thought we had about a result we created, which is totally optional.
So saying, “I failed” is actually a thought. It feels like a fact - we didn’t get the job. We weren’t accepted into the program. We didn’t get pregnant. We filed for divorce.
Those are facts. Failure is a thought.
So, are you all in on your dreams?
It’s one thing to be asked, “What would you do if you could not fail?”
But it’s a whole new level when you’re asked, “What are you willing to do even if you know you’ll fail?”
That’s what I want to talk with you about today.
“What are you willing to do even if you know you’ll fail?”
Then do that. Go for it. Try. Don’t be confused. Pick something. DO it.
Then if it doesn’t work out, do something else or do it differently. Tweak it.
Go out there, rebels, and find out what’s possible for you.
In this episode you will learn:
// What failure actually IS and why we’re so afraid of it (hint: it’s not what you think!)
// Why we must fail in order to succeed, and what happens when we avoid it
// How to increase your failure resilience
Resources:
This week’s pod is all about how to fail – and do it well… and fair warning, it’s got some tough love in it!
Now, many of us give up too easily and we complain about our perceived failures way too much, right? And we both know that what I teach is all about freedom - to free your mind and free your life.
The thing is: avoiding failure – having low failure resilience - is costing you your dreams, success, growth, learning, and expansion!
When I see someone who is afraid to fail and not willing to take action (because a main reason why people don’t take action is fear of failure), I see something amazing that is being put off, or that might never manifest. When I see someone indulging in excuses, blaming or pointing the finger I see no benefit – just that we are staying stuck.
So today is about how you can increase your failure resilience. One of my superpowers is seeing what’s possible for people, especially when they can’t see it for themselves. And I really see a lot of people quit too early on their dreams. Many of us want to get out of debt… want to get healthy...want to have a more meaningful career… want better mental health... But we also often want it to be easy! We want the result, but don’t want to do the work. Or at least not do it when it ends up being more than we expected.
We're afraid of the journey because it’s probably going to be painful. But we ALL have been there. AND… we were born ready to fail! It’s like babies falling over and over when they learn to walk. They HAVE to fall – its part of the learning. And think of where we’d all be if we gave up whenever we failed a bunch of times in a row. None of us would walk or eat. For realz.
So even though the grit is innate in us, somehow it gets deconditioned. We start to worry about what people think. We think failure is a permanent part of who we fundamentally are, and that it somehow defines our worth. And we’re even taught to avoid it, like in school when we’re taught that a failing grade somehow means you aren’t good enough.
Learning how to fail starts with changing what failure means. Instead of it meaning something about who we are, about our worth, it can be just an example of the thoughts we have about a result we create. “I failed” is a thought. Not a fact, no matter how much we think it’s a fact.
I don’t care if you got divorced. Didn’t get the job. Weren’t accepted to the grad school of your choice.
It’s not failure unless – until - we think of it that way.
The next step is to figure out how to get it done. And how do we do that? By taking action.
Sure, there are places in life where it might be helpful for an expert to tell you what to do or give you the answers. But you can’t wait for someone to tell you when it comes to the really important decisions in your life. That’s all you. And we have to do things to get clear. To get unstuck. Otherwise, if we’re just “deciding” about something, we are just avoiding the possibility of failure.
And you can’t have a major life shift without doing. Clarity through action. Learning through action. And yes… that means lots of failure.
Remember: failure is not factual. Failure is a result we created with action or inaction, and “feeling like a failure” is the result of a thought we had about a result we created, which is totally optional.
So saying, “I failed” is actually a thought. It feels like a fact - we didn’t get the job. We weren’t accepted into the program. We didn’t get pregnant. We filed for divorce.
Those are facts. Failure is a thought.
So, are you all in on your dreams?
It’s one thing to be asked, “What would you do if you could not fail?”
But it’s a whole new level when you’re asked, “What are you willing to do even if you know you’ll fail?”
That’s what I want to talk with you about today.
“What are you willing to do even if you know you’ll fail?”
Then do that. Go for it. Try. Don’t be confused. Pick something. DO it.
Then if it doesn’t work out, do something else or do it differently. Tweak it.
Go out there, rebels, and find out what’s possible for you.
In this episode you will learn:
// What failure actually IS and why we’re so afraid of it (hint: it’s not what you think!)
// Why we must fail in order to succeed, and what happens when we avoid it
// How to increase your failure resilience
Resources:
// Check out Episode 18, How to Coach Yourself: Applied Mindfulness
// Check out Episode 62, Commitment and How to Take Massive Action
// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com - applications open soon
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com - applications open soon
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
This past weekend was my BIRTHDAY! Normally, when it comes to celebrating a big day in our lives, my family goes exploring or takes a wild trip somewhere. So when my husband asked me what I wanted to do and I just said I wanted to go to our yurt and relax, he was more than just surprised. He didn’t even quite understand the concept.
To him, doing nothing meant doing something mellow.
After settling into the yurt, I decided I’d love to drive out to one of my fave restaurants in a small town nearby, since I love having other people cook for me and not having to do the dishes
But when we walked to listen to some live outdoor music, I felt it...
THE WALL.
I hit the wall and suddenly felt so tired.
I left my husband and friends to dance the night away and went back to the yurt and let myself have some downtime. It felt like such a luxury - to sit around and not have to do anything - not have to write or do laundry or study or read scientific journals.
I just sat there and listened to the rain - which started right when we pulled back up to the yurt. I remembered the need for this started well before I was exhausted too – like week back. Oops. I had put it off for too long.
Ideally you don’t want to wait until you’re exhausted to do nothing because it’s actually a great technique to keep you from getting exhausted and to keep your mind, body, and creative juices flowing.
Now for those of us who have serious FOMO (fear of missing out), it can be hard to reign that sh*t in. We say, “Yes!” even when we’re already exhausted because we want to live life to the fullest. We don’t always understand how people could sit around and do nothing.
But a business coach of mine offered this alternative way to see it: when we do nothing, we create the space needed so our brains have a chance to download new concepts and we can later get really creative and come up with some of our best ideas. I was ALL ABOUT it (because I was doing something while doing nothing;). But as I started to practice it, I realized just how much I needed it for so many other reasons.
Y’all, this recharge time is essential. Not just because your brain will be able to come up with amazing new ideas, but because we also notice some things in the quiet still moments that we might not have ever noticed otherwise.
True – it isn’t always pleasant. Sometimes we notice our anxiety. Our fear. Our anger. The tension. Perhaps that’s why a lot of us don’t want to be still. But those are things that tell us our life is out of alignment and we need to change things up. This is good to notice.
But we also notice the trees. The rain. Our hands. Our body. Our place. The birds. We are present with our life as it truly is.
Doing nothing CAN totally be a waste of time (this tends to be what boredom really is), but it can also be an art form.
Italian culture has a phrase, “l’arte de non fare niente.” This means, “The art of doing nothing.” Leave it to the Italians to have that phrase!
We may think we know how to do nothing, but when I started trying this, I had no freaking clue what to do when there was... nothing to do, so I want to give you some tips that might help you become a master at this, and I dive into them in the pod...including how to incorporate sensuality.
The Real Test: How do we incorporate this into daily life?
It’s one thing to do nothing when you’ve intentionally set aside time, but being able to do nothing on the daily is a lot trickier!
Practice doing nothing when you’re waiting. That’s right – no book. No phone. Practice when you’re in line at the doctor’s office or when you’re at the airport. You can also practice while driving because how many of us get in the car and immediately turn on the radio or call a friend or listen to a podcast (thank you for listening though!)? Answer: a lot. Try...just driving.
At first you might feel like you’ll spontaneously combust. But you won’t.
Remember, l’arte de non fare niente takes practice. It’s the art of doing nothing, and like all types of art, we get better at it by practicing.
I give you all sorts of tools to use to get better at this in the pod.
In this episode we cover:
// Why we need to do nothing in order to do really cool sh*t
// The difference between doing nothing and being bored
// 7 tips to master doing nothing
// Ideas for sensual ways to make doing nothing more enticing (no batteries needed;)
// Jedi-level nothingness
// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com - applications are open for the next cohort! Retreat spot? Hawai’i!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com.
If you’ve been around me for any time at all, you’ve definitely heard me talk about Ziji. Ziji is all about confidence. But not just any confidence.
Ziji is a Tibetan word that means radiant inner confidence.
What makes it so...essential to a full, meaningful life of freedom, adventure and purpose?
Let’s start by imagining what life was like before anything “bad” ever happened to us. As we grow and learn, we see the outside world as a place with both good and bad experiences. Over time, as we experience the bad ones, we want to protect ourselves from the hurt we feel. So we lock ourselves down. We shut the windows and doors - and the opportunities that go with them.
Here are a few examples of things that cause us to close off to the world and shut those windows and doors of opportunity:
- Being told it isn’t realistic to live our passions (dreaming shuts down!).
- A partner leaving you for someone else (trust shuts down!).
- Hearing your parents argue day and night about money (being comfortable with money and abundance shuts down!).
- Putting on your first art show and nothing sells (believing you can be successful living your passion shuts down!).
We lock ourselves down in these moments because we want to be safe. We think we’ve managed to protect ourselves from those bad experiences ever happening again, but we’ve also closed ourselves off to any possible opportunities, joy, and light. We don’t take risks where there is even the remote possibility of failing.
But the result of not taking any real risks is you never know what might actually be possible should you live life full-out. And you’re scared as hell that you don’t have all your bases covered and something is going to sneak in and knock you around again. And it probably will.
Why do we protect ourselves with such fervor? Usually, it is because we don’t think we’ll be able to take what comes next, that we’ll be able to handle it again, or because we imagine the worst case scenario and we know we just don’t LIKE being uncomfortable (and its myriad manifestations of intensity)!
We are lacking...ziji.
In her book Unconditional Confidence, Pema Chodron describes life as standing at the ocean’s edge. There will always come a wave that will knock us down. When the huge scary ones in life arrive, we try to protect ourselves by running or grounding ourselves against them.
The thing is, the ocean is powerful. The waves we’re talking about here always knock us down. It’s just part of being human. Like in last week’s episode about how Being Human is Hard. You can try with all your might to be “strong,” plant your feet, and not get taken out… but it’s exhausting, and once you’re knocked down, you’re just more tired at the end of it all. But what we seem to fail to notice is: we ALWAYS get back up!
So our fear in the end isn’t in the waves themselves… it is the fear that we might not get back up.
So instead of trying to protect yourself, remind yourself of all the times you have gotten up in your life. THAT is where true radiant inner confidence – Ziji – comes from. And you can’t develop Ziji without having been knocked down and getting back up again.
If you start to embrace the waves, and if you cultivate your Ziji, your inner confidence, when these waves take you down, you will get up faster and faster each time. And the waves will feel smaller and smaller each time. And somewhere deep inside, you will know that wondering “what if” is a hell of a lot worse than getting knocked down and getting back up. ZIji is inside you. In all of us.
The waves in life WILL happen, whether you accept them or not (they have!).
You WILL get knocked down (it’s happened!).
And you WILL get back up (you DID!).
So keep those windows and doors open, let in the light and the opportunities. The rewards are priceless: joy, fulfillment, passion, unshakeable confidence, contentment, peace of mind, growing beyond your wildest dreams, doing what you never thought possible, inspiring others around you to do the same.
So do it. Ziji Up! The perfect antidote to fear is action…even small action.
Bring it: make a list of the times you’ve been taken down by a wave and stood up again. See this as proof of what you already know: you have all you need inside of you.
What have you been putting off doing, or saying? Do it! What grudge have you been holding? Let it GO! Most importantly, who have you been putting off BEING? Be it now!
In this Episode, you will learn:
// Why we shut down from opportunity, and why it will always fail
// The REAL reason we’re afraid to take risks
// How to cultivate Ziji - your inner confidence
// How to believe new things
// Why we NEED to adventure
// Listen to the episode about Why We Need to Adventure
// Check out this episode about Cognitive Dissonance and How to Believe New Things
// Want to join us for 6 months of magic and adventures in the Adventure Mastermind? Of course! Head to www.AdventureMastermind.com - applications open soon
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
How many of you think life can often be a little...difficult? Yeah, me too. But what I’ve found is that when I stop resisting that life can be hard sometimes, and when I stop thinking something has gone terribly wrong just because things aren’t easy or I’m not happy, then I can start embracing life more fully and savor the good times even more. Today I want to talk about how while being a human is hard, accepting that truth can be to our advantage.
When the Buddha first taught, he could have taught anything, right? He had just woken up completely and his mind was free. The interesting thing is that at first, out of all the options he could have mentioned first - buddha nature, clarity, nirvana, bliss, and more (all those things many of us aim for in meditation or yoga practice) - he chose to talk about suffering.
The way I have learned to see this is that he chose to talk about how being a human is hard.
This concept is important to grasp because while it may initially seem like a bummer to focus on, if we are to free our minds - and therefore our lives - we can’t keep resisting reality. And we need to recognize the pain in our lives so we can acknowledge that this too, is a part of life.
Dukkha is a Pali word often translated as “suffering.” Our lives are entwined and characterized by dukkha, meaning our mental experiences of discomfort, pain, stress, instability, inadequacy, failure, and disappointment - each of which is felt as suffering in our mind.
This teaching is also often referred to as the “Truth of Suffering,” and in it there are three kinds of suffering:
The first is the obvious suffering caused by physical discomfort (from minor pains to injuries and chronic disease) and emotional suffering, like being frustrated that things don’t go your way, or being worried about meeting others’ expectations or about what they think about you.
The second suffering is caused by the fact that life is constantly changing. The impermanent nature of things. An example is when something awesome happens, eventually something challenging happens and that joy ends...albeit temporarily. And we have a lot of suffering when things change – when our happiness fades, when we lose people we love, when we have to move on before we’re ready.
We can’t escape from this. It is an impersonal, universal truth of life. It’s not just happening to you. None of us gets to be an exception. We all feel pain, we all lose loved ones, we all get sick, and we all die.
The third type of suffering the Buddha identified is a sort of existential angst due to life's intrinsic instability. This is a type of suffering we’re most likely not to recognize, yet the one we can learn the most from when we do.
It’s the general background of anxiety and insecurity that hangs in the background of even our happiest moments. Deep down, we fear that life doesn’t offer us solid ground and that our very existence is questionable. A good example of this is how often in your adult life have you experienced the queasiness and unease that come from a sense of meaninglessness in your life? Or that you aren’t living your purpose? That.
Some people think that if we acknowledge suffering is part of life then we call more of it in. They think that we will manifest more of it because we will acknowledge it and it will be in our mind. But I’ve found the opposite is true. When we deny that being human is hard and hard shit does happen, we spend all this time wondering, “Why me? Why now?” and we spend a lot of time feeling guilty or ashamed or confused or wishing it weren’t so and fighting reality. And all that does is manifest more suffering.
The take-home here is that while being a human is hard and that pain is inescapable, suffering is an experience of the mind. This teaching isn’t offering us complete relief from pain, unlike the false promises of advertisements or our consumerist society. Rather, it’s offering us relief from the mental reactivity that causes our mental suffering, our emotional suffering.
And I don’t know about you, but I want me somma that!
It’s important to remember there is a difference between the pain of life and our reaction to it. And when we can embrace the reality that being human is hard, we can then stop resisting it and we can start to live more fully.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
// How we are wasting time, money and energy trying to avoid suffering at all costs
// Why there is nothing wrong when things go bad
// What possibly behind those days when you’re in a funk and don’t know why
// 3 tools you can use to make peace with the challenge of being a human in a body
// How to live life more fully by embracing reality instead of fighting it
Resources:
// Check out Episode 60 on avoiding unnecessary suffering and the “second arrow”
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
I’m sitting here looking at Blackburn Mountain and the Staircase ice falls - one of the biggest ice falls in the world - and I was reminded of all the hard things I’ve experienced on mountaineering trips and how amazing it felt to achieve our goals...or sometimes, to even have just survived.
And that inspired me to talk about massive action vs passive action and how that all relates to commitment.
First, a few brief definitions - massive action is keeping on taking action until you achieve your goal. No matter what. And massive action also produces a result - it’s not just thinking about something, for example.
With passive action, you’re doing something but not creating a result. So, you might be reading or learning or studying - which feels really good. It’s like you’re doing something, but not in a massive action sense because you haven’t created a result.
So another way to compare the two is massive action is creating and passive action is consuming...taking IN information, or consuming your own thoughts about something (aka “thinking” about it).
As some of you know, I used to be an international climbing guide, taking people up mountains in the Himalayas and all over the world - actually climbing not just hiking.
When you’re going up a mountain, massive action is relatively easy to take, because the circumstances sort of force you to do it. For example, you have to get to the top, because the descent starts there and to retreat from where you are would be totally unsafe or take four times as long. So even though you’re scared, or your knees are bleeding and bruised, or you can’t feel your hands, feet, or your face because it’s so cold, you keep going.
But even in that scenario, our mindset plays a huge role.
You know what my climbing partners would say about me? I love climbing with you because you know how to suffer. Translation: when it comes to climbing, I know how to do hard things. Without whining or wondering why it’s happening the whole time. With climbing, I don’t get lost in how hard things are. I know these things are a PART of climbing, a part of achieving the goal. I just see what has to happen and I do it. I know the suffering is usually worth it (well, those are the thoughts I have about it).
On a climb, I’m committed, and the end being in sight - or the consequences of not making it being clear - make committing and taking massive action easier for me.
Many of you have likely had this experience too. Like having a baby (I used to be a midwife, so I know the courage it takes no matter how that baby comes out). You’re committed to the end result
Or on a more day-to-day level you can see it when you work for someone and you show up for work even if you don’t want to. You are committed to the work.
But in our lives, especially as we create more freedom and do things like become our own boss or starting making our OWN plans and not just let others decide our lives for us, we are the ones who have to create that sense of commitment to the goal. It’s not as in-your-face as a mountain, and the end is not always in sight.
If we don’t show up for ourselves, often it’s not as consequential as...getting fired,
But notice: isn’t it interesting that we are willing to work so hard for other people’s dreams and be committed to working every day for them...but for our own dreams we can be so...wishy washy?
How many of you want to have more freedom in your life - financial freedom, freedom from our emotions that hook us, to be location independent, to create your own schedule?
That would be awesome, right?
Here’s an important thing to remember: Wanting is a form passive action.
The definition of wanting is: “to desire something, to wish for something” NO ACTION REQUIRED.
This makes it easier, familiar, comfortable - and more preferred by our reptilian brain motivated by that motivational triad of seeking pleasure, avoiding pain and doing what’s easier.
But all wanting does is create more DESIRE to create what you want - not the actual result of what you want. So just wanting creates a bigger and bigger gap between what you want and what you have.
More DESIRE for something that you’re not willing to GO GET.
Conversely, the definition of commitment is, “to follow through on a course of ACTION.” This is very different from wanting and other passive action. With commitment, “action” is in the definition.
COMMITMENT is where you go from WANTING it (passive) to GETTING it via ACTIONS that produce RESULTS (masive action).
Let’s say you want to earn $100K this year, or to go on a round the world trip, or do a 3-month meditation retreat or a yoga teacher training - no matter how much we lament about how hard we’re already working or how desperately we want it, if we’re not taking ACTION that produces RESULTS, it’s passive action.
So I want to ask you again, a bit differently: When it comes to creating freedom, are you just wanting it? Or are you taking action, every day, to get it?
And are you committed to the end? For the long haul?
We often do so much to get towards something and then give up...right before the chips are going to fall and i’ts like watching it you’re thinking OMG all you hve to do is ONE more step and then the chips are yours!
But we give up because often we expect it to be easier or faster.
I don’t want you to worry about feeling excited or happy or joyful. Or a big one I hear a lot from my clients is they want to feel motivated before doing something. Like the reason they’re not taking action is “I’m not motivated to do it.”
Motivated is NOT what you wait for to get shit done.
I want you to think about how you can feel COMMITTED, because while taking massive action can feel tiring, not achieving your goal is its own kind of exhaustion
And remember that this doesn’t just apply to more “tangible” goals like a house or a job, to be more fit, or an income level or stamps in your passport - but it can also be applied to spiritual goals - like more patience, more compassion, more kindness, to finally FORGIVE. Because there are things we can DO - actions we can TAKE to move towards those goals too, like a regular meditation practice. Retreats. Tong Len practice. Self-coaching (one of the many things I teach in Freedom School). It’s not just thinking about growing spiritually and wishing it. We need to practice. THAT’s how we create results.
This episode will teach you how to not wait to feel motivated or wait until it feels “good.”
We walk about feeling COMMITTED.
Topics in this episode:// The subtle differences between massive and passive action
// Sneaky ways you’re likely engaging in passive action
// The importance of commitment in being able to take repeated action – and how to feel it
// Long-haul vs short-term commitment
// 4 things you can do to avoid passive action
// One question you can ask yourself to keep yourself out of confusion and into taking action every day towards your goals.
// Check out episode 61 on perfectionist procrastination
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
I’ve always loved learning. In high school, I would even leave my friends while we were partying to do homework as they shouted out “stoner nerd!” In college, I’d bring my books with me to the beach and spend most of the day reading with occasional dips in the ocean. I went on to go to graduate school (not just once!), including getting my doctorate. As a mom, I don’t dig playing with dolls with my kid, but I’ll spend a whole day exploring nature and taking field notes with her - easily.
You could say I’m a bit of a nerd.
My obsession with learning was also accompanied by a desperate need to be perfect. To get all A’s. To be the best.
And while I enjoy learning (can you say FOUR graduate degrees?), it can be seriously exhausting to feel the need to be perfect about it at the same time. My nerdiness, along with a dollop of perfectionism, was actually the perfect recipe that kept me from learning and experiencing everything I had to do in my life to the fullest.
I didn’t do anything unless I was virtually guaranteed not to fail, whether it was adventure sports, academics, careers, or which lover I pursued.
And just some hard truth here - perfectionism is for people who are scared. And I was scared. Of failing.
This contributes to classic perfectionist procrastination. When we think we have to hold back until something is perfect, we get an (often) unconscious bonus: If we “have” to wait for it to be perfect, to guarantee success, we never “have” to take action.
And therefore, we don’t have to risk failing.
But living like this is ultimately exhausting and unsustainable. And it keeps us from growth and learning which - for us nerdy rebels, at least - is a major part of what makes life fun and meaningful.
So what are our options, rebels?
Well, if we don’t want to let go of perfectionism, in my opinion, then we need to change our definition of perfection. When we can see the imperfection as just part of the deal of being human - an inevitable part of the deal - then we can continue. We can keep moving towards our goals.
It’s also important to remember that when we are creating in the world, what is important is that we are putting our gifts out there - not that it is perfect or that we were gloriously busy doing it.
So, rebel, this week, what is that thing you’ve been putting off?
Pick a timeframe to create a result.
Then, be ok with it being perfectly imperfect. It ALL is anyway.
If shit isn’t perfect (spoiler alert: it won’t be), ask, “What did I learn? What will I do differently next time?”
Then move on to the next thing.
In this episode, you’ll learn:// Accepting our perfectly imperfect nature
// Shifting from temporary external motivation, (instant results/praise from others) to internal motivation and inspiration (kind of like what my mom was saying about the $20 for an A)
// Seeing failure as a chance to learn - and not a signal to give up (like J.K. Rowling and my friend who couldn’t get into medical school...the first four times)
// Realizing that imperfection and failure are part of the deal of being human
// Waking up to the fact that nobody cares how hard you worked or how long or how much you stressed over it...they just care that what you’ve done is out there!
// Tips for being productive while being ok with the B work
Resources:
// Check out my blogpost on How to Get Shit Done
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group and my free weekly live class called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
I’m all about living life to the fullest. From mountain climbing to hiking to enjoying a week at the yurt to jamming to some seriously amazing music at a local festival… But one thing that I see getting in the way of that is that we, silly humans, turn on ourselves a lot.
Like when someone says something shitty to us and when we are reacting in anger or whatever emotion, we’re also ultimately disconnected from our inner life. And when we do that, we aren’t living life to the fullest. We aren’t enjoying the pure miracle, the preciousness, of what this life is.
So what is UP with this turning on ourselves?
In Buddhist teachings, the Buddha described two arrows. The first part of understanding this story has to do with the First Noble Truth: the truth of suffering. Being born a human in a body will have some inherent suffering.
And there’s no way we can avoid it, right? We try. But when we do that we end up reacting with even more force.
And no matter how perfect someone’s life may seem, everyone - everyone - faces loss, grief, sickness and death at some point.
This is a part of the deal of being born a human, in a body, on this particular part of the planet, at this particular time.
The first arrow is that initial event itself, the painful experience. Once it happens, we can’t undo it, right? It’s happened and we can’t avoid it. The snarky remark. The frustrating event. The breakup.
But the second arrow is the one we shoot into ourselves.
And the good news is, this arrow is optional. It is what we do with the inevitable suffering that we will face.
Yes, we can react from a stress response of anger, fear, contracting...
Or we can learn how to experience the same painful event with less identification and aversion, and with a more relaxed and compassionate heart. For ourselves and others.
It is what we do with the - in this case - unpleasant feeling.
We have the option to feel it and notice it and not have an aversion to it, or get attached to something more pleasant to distract ourselves.
When we learn to release the aversion to unpleasant feelings... when we can release the judgment and self-blame in response to the first arrow, the second arrow becomes completely avoidable.
So what can we do to avoid the second arrow?
It’s critical to let yourself be with and feel the pain and natural responses to the first arrow - that moment of suffering. Don’t repress it!
You also need to learn to be uncomfortable, too. To be with discomfort.
And of course, there's the key to mastering anything: practice!
Then we can live with integrity, aligned with our values. We can create change in the world. We can live a life of no regrets.
So let’s be aware of when we’re shooting ourselves with the second arrow and cut that shit out, ok?
// How to release the aversion to unpleasant feelings or the attachment to something more pleasant as a distraction...as well as the judgment and self-blame that join the party.
// To bring compassion and kindness to the first arrow by understanding that what’s happening inside of us is totally human, from an evolutionary perspective.
// Not to be controlled by our emotions, so we can experience a sensation, say an unpleasant experience, and then decide what we want to do with it.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
We got the parent wound from whomever took care of us the most during our formative years. Despite their best intentions, they messed us up. Or at least that's how we often think of it. In reality, it also has a lot to do with how we relate to our experience with them.
The mother/father/parent wound comes in all shapes and sizes:
- They can involve one parent or both.
- They can also be caused by a parent who was absent.
- They can occur if a parent is overbearing, neglectful, abusive, hyper-critical or engaging in other inappropriate behavior.
- They could also be to do with how your parents interacted together.
From narcissistic mothers who always made everything about themselves and totally ignored the needs of their children to parents who had substance abuse disorders and neglected us…
No matter what the details, this is what most of my clients want to know:
Will it always be like this with my parent/s? Is there any possibility of healing? What can I do to not get hooked so easily?
The good news? Yes, we can make progress towards healing and not getting hooked.
The bad news? It does not mean you’ll start feeling great about your relationship during the process and that your parent(s) will be farting rainbows.
How? Well, to start off, we can accept the relationship as it is, and understand that it (and they) won’t just magically change. There is great peace and healing in that, alone.
It’s also important to know that no matter what our perceptions (or misperceptions) about our childhood experiences are, some amount of wounding is inevitable and, in a certain sense, necessary.
In the end, Only the individual who experienced the trauma can decide on the way forward. There are many paths.
In this episode, you’ll learn:// How to change our relationship to our traumatic experiences
// The misperceptions (or thought errors) we all have around our childhood
// Why not accepting the past keeps us stuck in our suffering and prevents healing
// How our unhealed parent wounds disconnect us from one another in society
// What “spiritual reparenting” is and how it helps heal more than just ourselves
// The slow but true path back to deep connection, with ourselves and each other
// How freeing ourselves from the “hook” of the parent wound also frees our parents
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
// Check out Episode 24 on being with difficult emotions
Anxiety and I go wayyyy back...
I can remember these mild OCD tendencies and weird tics I had as a kid, like blinking all the time or not wanting to step on cracks in the sidewalk or needing things to be symmetrical. And I freakin’ loved counting things!
Over time, I learned how to manage my anxiety, but I still get waves of it.
A lot of us (nearly 1 in 5 adults in the United States) are living with anxiety disorders, and women are more than twice as likely to develop anxiety than men.
So, let’s talk about it…
In the latest Rebel Buddhist podcast episode, I share some tools that have helped me over the years—not to get rid of anxiety, but to deal with it.
Newsflash: getting rid of anxiety altogether would actually be a bad move. Why? Because our anxiety has something to tell us. Just like all emotions, anxiety is something we humans need to give us information. For me, it gives me information that things are out of alignment in my life. That I need to pay attention to something.
That—or that I drank wayyy too much caffeine.
Anxiety has served us well in our evolution, helping us react quickly, assess the safety of a situation, and heighten our senses so we could pay more attention to what was going on.
But, these days, it’s not something we necessarily need as much for safety. It’s often triggered by things like overflowing inboxes and traffic jams: far from an actual threat to our lives. But we’re still having the same response to it.
So, let’s make like the marvels of evolution that we are and...adapt!
The good news? Anxiety in and of itself is harmless. It’s our reaction and our resistance to it that causes problems. And that’s within our power to change.
In this episode, you’ll learn:- what anxiety actually is & how to recognize its symptoms in your own body & mind
- the game changing mindset shift to move from resisting & reacting to your anxiety to allowing, observing...even welcoming it
- some of my favorite tools and reminders to manage anxiety, mindfully
- how to turn arrows into flowers (not literally, obvs...better than that: a Buddhist story to help us understand how we add fuel to the fire of anxiety & how we can stop)
- resist, react, avoid: our 3 favorite ways to respond to emotions & why they ain’t helping
- our biggest misunderstanding about acceptance
- a step-by-step technique to gain perspective on your anxiety so you can get a grip
Look, I know how scary anxiety can be. I’ve had panic attacks before, where I thought I was dying. And there’s a bunch of stuff, even just on the natural side, that can really help: breathing techniques, supplements, exercise, getting enough sleep...but it was only once I changed my thinking about anxiety that I could change my response to it.
Changing your life always begins with changing your mind.
So commit to your mental health. Life is so precious, so fleeting, really. We are all going to die, right? And we don’t know when. Being a human is not easy.
Instead of letting that send you into another spiral of anxiety, train your mind so that you can make the most of this one wild and precious life. Happy human-ing, rebels!
RESOURCES:
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
// Check out Episode 51 on self compassion
I'm a type-O blood type and am usually good with biological challenges - viruses, bacterial infections, street food in foreign countries. I almost never get sick. So when all of a sudden I had laryngitis and no other symptoms...I was confused.
And BUMMED.
I was about to launch my podcast and had blocked out a complete week to record, my Freedom School launch was going so well, and I was spending some mommy-daughter time with Maia while Thai was in Utah.
But after some reflection and some friends calling me out, I realized I was having an upper limit problem.
So in case you’ve never heard of an “upper limit problem,” Gay Hendricks coined the term in his 2009 book The Big Leap - which, BTW, it required reading for my adventure mastermind students.
Here’s the basic idea:
We all have a set limit - almost like a barometer - for how much joy and abundance we let into our lives. Kind of like the happiness “set point” you may have heard about.
When we exceed that upper limit because life is going so well, we unconsciously do things to sabotage ourselves so we can drop back into the place we feel in control.
How do these upper limit problems manifest? Well, it might look like when you've had a really good streak of luck, or life seems to be going soooo well - better than it has been in a long time - and then you wonder why it all went to shit because:
> You picked a fight over nothing
> Got in an accident
> Started to over drink/eat/spend
> All of a sudden find yourself sick...
So what happened for me is that I was so psyched about the recent successful launch of Freedom School and pumped about the excitement everyone had for my new podcast, that I had to run interference (I go more into how to do this in the pod).
Everyone has varying degrees of “upper limit problems.” Thankfully, you can overcome them with the right tools and an open heart:
A good practice to check in with this is also to ask yourself, “ How much abundance, success and love am I really willing to have?”
Is it a shitton?
Then keep track and make sure your thoughts, feelings and actions align with that, because when they don’t, that tends to be where the self-sabotage starts -when our thoughts and feelings aren't aligned with what we want.
Now, this is not to say there aren't actual limits like glass ceilings, racist institutions and patriarchal structures and the like. Those are not upper limit problems. But we often let our ULPs sabotage WAY before any of these systems would.
Remember that because all of this is uncomfortable - as expanding past our comfort zone always is - you may want to shrink back.
Don’t.
Remember that this is a good sign. It means you're on the edge, on an adventure.
So take a moment and think about where you might be having an upper limit problem right now - and go through the steps I just mentioned, because it’s totally normal, especially as you take your life to the next level.
Life is going to send you challenges - that’s just how it is. So let’s make damn sure that YOU are not going to get in your own way, ok?
// What’s an upper limit problem?
// How I almost sabotaged the Rebel Buddhist podcast
// How can an upper limit problem manifest? (it can be sneaky!)
// 3 steps you can take to overcome your upper limit problem
Resources:
// These teachings were heavily influenced by Gay Hendricks as well as stories / teaching shared from Marie Forleo - an Upper Limit Blasting Queen!.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
In college I had a friend who, whenever I was relaying something challenging in my life, she would say, “Don’t worry. It’s all good!” And then she’d glide away on her rollerblades with a big smile on her face. I loved that damned girl, and I know she had good intentions, but when she said that it would totally piss me off and I’d want to shake her and be like, “It is NOT ALL GOOD!”
Spiritual bypassing is a tendency to use spiritual ideas, explanations, and practices to sidestep or avoid complex psychological experiences.
Spirituality can be a force that helps enhance our well-being, but engaging in spiritual bypassing as a way to avoid complicated feelings or issues can ultimately stifle our growth.
Some people argue that applied mindfulness, mindset work, thoughtwork and the tools I teach are a type of spiritual bypassing. But actually, to me that interpretation tells me there’s likely a misunderstanding of this work.
I think this happens when people think it’s all about always changing a thought so you can be happy all the time. Or that there is nothing “real” outside of our thoughts that can influence our experience of life.
The point of this work is NOT to be happy all the time. That’s not even the point of LIFE.
We’re not supposed to be in any emotional or physical state all the time. They don’t last forever and are impermanent
We have this idea that we’d love to be happy all the time, but then we realize if we were happy all the time we wouldn't appreciate it. The contrast - the opposite - of happiness is what makes happiness a thing we even desire.
We need negative emotion to understand and appreciate positive emotion. Being present with challenging emotions help prevent them from having control over us and us simply reacting to them instead of responding to them intentionally.
Thoughtwork is not spiritual bypassing when used correctly. It is not to be used to avoid feeling difficult emotions, to avoid facing difficult experiences about the world we live in, or to avoid taking courageous action, for example.
How can we recognize if something is spiritual bypassing? It can be tricky because it is subtle.
Remember that spiritual bypassing is a way for someone to hide behind spirituality or spiritual practices instead of acknowledging what they are feeling and what is happening. Ultimately this creates separation from others, too
Some examples that might help you identify it are:
- Believing that all traumatic events must serve as “learning experiences”
- Feeling that “truly spiritual” people rise above the suffering of the world
- Thinking that you must “rise above” your emotions without first processing them
- “Good vibes only!” “Positive thinking only!”
- After a loved one dies, people tell you that it was “part of a bigger plan.”
- When someone shares their feelings of anger or upset from a person’s actions, their friends tell them to stop being so negative or defensive.
- Rather than addressing the behavior of someone who regularly crosses boundaries, you remain overly tolerant, feeling that’s what a spiritual person “should” do.
Spiritual bypassing is also often used to dismiss the very real experiences of people who are faced with injustice and discrimination. This implies that people can rely on just their positive thinking to overcome complex social issues.
When you aren’t sure if your reaction to someone else is spiritually bypassing, see if your statement is coming from a clean place and check in with your motivation.
Is this for the other person or is it to help you dismiss an uncomfortable situation so you can feel better?
At this point it’s natural to start wondering, “Where does spiritual bypassing come from anyway?”
Like most actions that don’t serve us, it is a form of a defense mechanism. It protects us from uncomfortable emotions.
“Wellness culture” has also often created an environment where we have yet another thing we are supposed to do perfectly. This culture may teach people that a fulfilling life is only possible if we can “rise above” negative thoughts, emotions and experiences.
The other thing that contributes to this is the belief that it is JUST our thoughts that create our reality - and it ignores very real institutional systems of oppression, racism, patriarchy, heterosexism, and more. It blames the individual.
Like most things, spiritual bypassing isn’t always something to avoid. It can actually be a helpful way to temporarily deal with a challenging situation. It becomes a problem when it is used as a long-term way to deal with our deeper issues and complex societal problems. This can lead to shame, anxiety, spiritual narcissism, and blindly following spiritual teachers, mentors and guides – and yes, coaches.
It’s also important to remember that if we want to truly connect to other humans, it's not beneficial or compassionate to dismiss what others are feeling.
But we do this because it is uncomfortable to hold space for that, right?
Spiritual bypassing ultimately falls into a form of avoiding being present with what is – challenging emotions, challenging discussions challenging and complex social realities.
When trying to assess if we are engaging in spiritual bypassing, it’s helpful to check in with our motivation: Is this to avoid? Is this a way to feel superior to others?
If yes, then it might be falling into the category of spiritual bypassing.
So what can we do? There’s more in the pod, but some tips are:
- We can accept that suffering if part of being a human being and that we are in this together
- We can see our emotions are natural and can be useful sources of information
- We can remember that all emotional states are impermanent - that they will come AND go.
- We can cultivate compassion for our fellow humans – and for ourselves
Spirituality and spiritual practices are not bad in and of themselves. However, it is important that we not use it to bypass the human experience.
What is one way you might have been closing off to the humanity of this life?
What’s one way you may have been trying to convince yourself you “shouldn't” be feeling so bad about something, and maybe telling yourself to “just get over it?”
What is one way you may have been judging someone’s suffering? Or unknowingly stepping into spiritual bypassing?
Can you open up to that more today?
As rebels, we choose to walk into the full fire that is being a wild and whacky human.
I remember Ram Das saying how we are all just walking each other home.
We are all just walking each other home. And kindness is all that really matters when we realize that.
In this episode:
// Is thoughtwork a type of spiritual bypassing?
// How to recognize spiritual bypassing
// Where does spiritual bypassing come from?
// When can spiritual bypassing be helpful?
// 3 steps to take to avoid spiritual bypassing
RESOURCES:
// Check out Episode 19 on anger
// Check out Episode 51 on self-compassion
// Check out Episode 29 on misusing thought work & mindfulness
// Sign up for my free LIVE training on how to Speak Up and stay in your power in uncomfortable situations. Go to NaughtyBuddhist.com. (If you get to this after it’s gone live, sign up and you’ll be taken to the recording.)
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
So many of us - myself included - have had the wrong idea of what will truly set us free.
On some level we know it’s not things like paying off the debt, finding your soul mate, being location independent, losing the weight, finding the perfect job...(ask me how I know).
But we forget this and we think, well sh*t, maybe it IS all that stuff. Or maybe it IS about that once you have kids. Or get older.
We think maybe it IS what’s going on “out there” that we need to fix.
So we waste tons of time, money, and energy on things that are just a temporary fix. A false sense of freedom. A fleeting sense of happiness.
You’ve heard me say it before and I’ll say it again: freedom, rebels, is a feeling.
It’s the inside job that shifts things. And it ain’t easy. In fact, it’s scary as f*ck.
Waaaay scarier than anything fixing the “outside” would require.
But would you rather never be afraid again anyway? I doubt it. Because all good stuff in life gets scary at some point. Love, Mountains, travels to new remote places...
And if you said yes, you don’t ever want to be afraid again, remember: ships are safe in harbor but that is not what ships are built for. And your the mother effin SS Freedom Ship!
We think feeling anxiety and fear (or disappointment or failure or any of the hard feelings) is something to run from. But they are just emotions. And being afraid to feel them keeps us from so many epic things in life - adventures, deep love, authentic living, discovering our power and living our truth.
True Freedom.
The surprise that most people don’t anticipate is that once you clean up your limiting thoughts and beliefs, all the other stuff tends to follow - the love, the travel, the ideal job, the abundance.
These shifts will require the scary (and exciting) work of completely letting go of who you currently are in order to grow and evolve into our next level - into what’s possible in this one precious life of yours.
Enter: another butterfly analogy. Bear with me!
Many people think caterpillars go into their chrysalis, grow wings, and come out.
What many people don’t know is that the caterpillar actually dissolves.
The caterpillar digests itself by releasing enzymes to dissolve all of its tissues.
If you were to cut open a cocoon or chrysalis at just the right time, caterpillar soup would ooze out.
But the contents of the pupa are not just a messy blob. There are actually highly organized groups of cells called -get this – imaginal discs - that survive digestion.
Similarly, you need to completely dissolve to become closer to your truth. This is not easy - but that’s doesn't mean anything is wrong.
However, we get so attached to our current story of who we are, our old thoughts, the same track that keeps playing over and over in our minds. We get attached to our old habits and knowledge base - the facts we know the things we understand, the things we have mastered, the confidence we feel in what we’re doing.
I went through this shedding process so many times in my life: after I was a climbing guide for over a decade and went back to nursing school at 30 years old, and again when I wanted to get my doctoral degree and learn a whole new set of skills. And again when I became a mom; when I went back to get a post-doc in psychiatry and mental health nursing; when I then went to study psychedelic-assisted therapy.
We need to open up to feeling like we don’t know what the hell is going on and being ok with learning a whole new way of thinking and new ways of being in the world.
So it’s important that we not identify too strongly with thoughts and our old ways of being.
I want to point out that sometimes this even means being ok with our values changing, because as we grow and change, we may find those shift as well.
We need to consider it’s ok for our beliefs to change too, because remember, our beliefs are just thoughts we’ve had over and over again.
Your thoughts create your results.
And whatever thoughts you have now are what created the results you have right now, the life you have right now.
So, if you want to create a different result, you will need new thoughts, new beliefs, because by definition, the thoughts that got you here won't work to get you there.
Like Einstein said, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”
You, me, WE are MADE to let go of our old ways of thinking and being to evolve into our next iteration. We need to shed our thoughts and beliefs that no longer serve us.
And it takes a helluva lot of energy and courage…
and you feel really really vulnerable for a period of time…
and you want to move through it faster and wish it wasn't taking so damn long
and you feel like you don’t know SHIT.
All over again.
But it’s absolutely essential to growing and learning and evolving while simultaneously peeling off the outside layers until we arrive at our essence, our core truths, our gift, the reason each one of us was born and the gift we alone are to bring to our people.
The gift only YOU can bring.
Topics in this episode:// The stages of letting go of our OLD way of being
// How being attached to our habits, identity, and old thought patterns stifles our evolution
// What lobsters have to do with any of this (trust me – it will blow your mind)
// One key way you can start shedding things that no longer serve you - today
***
Resources:// Check out Episode 14 on how to believe new things
// Sign up for my free LIVE training on how to Speak Up and stay in your power in uncomfortable situations. Go to NaughtyBuddhist.com. (If you get to this after it’s gone live, sign up and you’ll be taken to the recording.)
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
One time, years ago at a super fancy dinner, I made an entire room of rich people UNBELIEVABLY uncomfortable. The beginning of the dinner was great. Until…
I’m entertaining those around me with a story about an avalanche in the Himalayas when I hear someone saying, “What are black people complaining about anyway? Slavery ended over 200 years ago. It’s not our fault anymore. It’s time to get over it.”
What the whaaa????
I stop mid-sentence with the person I’m chatting with. I turn around and say, “I’m sorry - what was that?”
“Oh, I was just saying I didn’t know why black people are still blaming slavery for all their issues when it ended 200 years ago, you know?” He was smiling. He was expecting me to smile back and agree.
There’s an uncomfortable silence… I turn my chair to face him fully. I pick up my glass of wine and take a large swig.
“Actually, segregation only ended in 1964… legally. That’s less than 40 years ago.” (at the time)
I take another sip of my wine along with a deep breath, smile, and wait for a response. Nothing - except for his smile disappearing and an awkward silence from the entire table, punctuated by a few uncomfortable laughs.
I continue, “Also, institutionalized racism and de facto segregation is still happening. Like in hiring practices, school segregation, and residential segregation due to things like ‘white flight’ among other issues. You see, it’s all very real and it’s totally happening right now.
So why people are still ‘upset’ makes sense to me. But I can get how that might feel uncomfortable to think about.”
I try not to seem angry. But I’m confident, knowledgeable, and carry myself in such a way that it’s clear I can take on any kind of argument with grace. I’m actively trying to be welcoming, hoping he will engage and maybe even evolve his thinking.
I’ve learned many people don’t open up their minds when they feel attacked.
I’m not saying there isn’t a place for outright flame throwing (sometimes it can make a difference). But many people are more willing to listen when they aren’t feeling under fire. When we open by giving them the benefit of the doubt instead. So I always try to educate before throwing flames.
He takes a deep breath… “Well, Ana… Thank you for letting me know. I didn’t think about that part. It’s always nice to learn something new. I’m sorry if that offended you.”
How polite. How… uneventful. How… lacking in curiosity about how to evolve. How...patronizing.
I say, “I understand. It can be hard to remember that it’s the ‘land of the free’ for only a select few, especially when you are the one with all the freedom. But hopefully it’ll be easier to remember now. I know you’re a good guy and will do the right thing.”
I don’t know if he shifted his actual beliefs as a result of what I said - or if he even meant what he said - but I acted with integrity. At least I could sleep better. I also gave another human the benefit of the doubt. I was in alignment with my values, inside and out.
No regrets! It’s a pretty shitty emotion, but it’s also one of the reasons I do what I do!
What does it take to live a life without regrets?
- Confidence, courage, vulnerability and compassion (toward ourselves AND those we disagree with).
- Being able to hold our ground when challenged, undermined, or harassed.
- Overcoming our culturally-conditioned default to freeze - to go silent, to shut down.
- Being willing to disappoint others if it means not disappointing yourself.
Which brings me back to that story. In this, one of my most über-uncomfortable (but proud) moments, I could tell my boyfriend at the time wished I hadn’t said that. Even though he knew it was the right thing, he mostly was hoping I wouldn’t do it again. And it was then that I knew he wasn’t my person.
Alignment. Inside and out.
Who are you willing to disappoint so you can honor your truth? Suggestion: anyone.
Honestly, all of this, especially for women, does not come easily. We’re conditioned to “behave,” and “good girls” don’t upset the status quo, create a scene, or speak their minds. They keep the peace instead, even if that means losing their own.
I’m not here to make you feel bad about the times when you didn’t speak up when you really wanted to. Shutting down is not a weakness - it’s a stress response caused by generations of cultural conditioning in a patriarchal society.
Living a life without regret takes practice, skills, and commitment. And especially for women, it also takes retraining our brain.
I also want to encourage us all - when we find ourselves triggered and just want the other person to believe different things or to go away or just be quiet - to ask ourselves:
“Why is this causing so much suffering? Why do we want them to just be silent?”
It’s really important that we answer those questions. Because taking back our power, reclaiming our voice, and standing up for what’s right is about learning to hold space and cultivate curiosity. It’s about learning to let people be wrong without silencing ourselves in the process. It’s about learning to disagree, without either getting riled up or shutting down.
We sometimes think we have to hate to create change in the world. On the opposite end of that spectrum sometimes think we only have to meditate on love and light to change the world.
As usual, there is a Middle Way.
To love is not to condone. To hold space is not to approve. To listen is not to promote.
If we want to tap into that power, we have to learn to stay when we’d rather run away, to play when we don’t know what to say.
Take back the power that was always yours. Reclaim your voice. Use it to create a better world..
Get out there, make a scene, and be naughty naughty!
Topics in this episode:// The role of culture and patriarchy in our response to uncomfortable situations - especially for womxn
// How to stay in integrity during difficult moments
// Finding the Middle Way in conflict
// The importance of alignment, inside and out
// Why we want to freeze or shut down when someone harrasses, minimizes, or makes inappropriate comments to us
// Learn about how to stay in your power during uncomfortable situations instead of shutting down. Sign up for the free Speak Out Masterclass by clicking here. You’ll also receive a free resilience training to build a foundation before the class starts. Go to NaughtyBuddhist.com
// Ever want to work with me privately? I’ve opened up some rare spots for consult calls. Head over here to snag one and let’s chat
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonus courses for you there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
Guilt sucks. I was raised in a devoted Catholic family, and while there were some things I really appreciated about it, it also came with a healthy dose of guilt. I was constantly wondering if I was a bad person because of having to go to confession on a regular basis. I remember making stuff up during confession because we had to go so often, and I didn’t always think there was anything I did “wrong.” Over time, I learned to feel really guilty - not just about the big things, but about every little way I might have messed up.
Even if you weren’t raised that way in your family, in Western culture we are in a context of the human being seen as being born imperfect and with a concept of “original sin,” something inherently wrong.
For so many people that I've worked with, at the root of whatever is going on in terms of suffering, there is also this sense of not being forgivable or unlovable. That something is just intrinsically not OK with them.
Yet the ability to forgive - others and ourselves - that’s where the freedom to really begin to love and live fully begins.
Today I want to talk about what makes it so hard to forgive ourselves, and how to DO that (I spoke about how to forgive others in Episode 34, so be sure to check that out too).
The process of forgiveness is really one of releasing the stories of guilt, shame and blame, and opening to and contacting vulnerability. It's a challenging process. Not for the faint of heart
Why do we get stuck in guilt and shame?
In Western culture, people were told for thousands of years that we were born imperfect. It gets amplified if we grow up in a family where there's a lot of judgment or criticism, or if in some deep way, our needs aren't met. To try to survive or meet our needs, we behave in ways that can cause harm.
Because of this, many people believe that they are unforgivable. When we're caught in this our reality is narrowed and fixated. We only focus on the hurt we caused and the self-blame.
We're forgetting what might have caused us to cause suffering. We forget that deep down, our deepest longing is for connection, love, and feeling peace.
What makes it so hard to let go? Why is it that we resist forgiving ourselves?
These beliefs can be deeply entrenched. It's not until we can bring them into awareness that we can begin to move towards self-forgiveness.
When we let go of the narrative of badness and blame, there's something raw and vulnerable in there. Maybe it’s anger, emptiness, fear, horror, grief, or even being unlovable. But what’s under that, after forgiveness, is the possibility of joy.
We can sometimes get addicted to the blame. It’s way easier or safer to keep on not forgiving ourselves than to open to what's underneath it.
When we engage in the process of self-forgiveness, we're really engaging in recognizing the storyline of blame, contacting the deeper feelings that are under there, and to do so with kindness.
We also have to remember that in offering ourselves forgiveness and compassion, we do not take away our responsibility. What I have found is it's actually the beginning of being able to be responsive, because the self-blame is actually very self-focused and doensn’t allow us to wholeheartedly address our responsbility.
If we're to make peace with ourselves and really let love in and love without holding back, we need the courage to let go of the story of self-blame.
THE FOUR FORCES: REGRET, RELIANCE, REMEDY, AND RESOLUTION
Regret is a loaded word, and I am all about no regrets. BUT it starts with an “R” and fits with the other steps. Really, what it means here that we acknowledge what we did and the consequences of our actions. The intention of this step is to remove any defense or justification of the action in our mind - not to feel shame or self-blame.
Reliance means that we renew our connection with our integrity and values, and perhaps our spiritual practice if you have one - whether it be through compassion, awareness, or presence or devotion. Most of what we do that is negative happens when we fall out of attention and mindfulness. Reliance means that we deliberately reestablish our practice so that we are no longer hooked by the conditions that keeps us from presence and mindfulness.
Remedy means that we act in a way that disrupts the default pattern behind the action. If we can, we correct the negative action—apologize, make amends, provide restitution. We can make a donation to charity, do community service, help a friend. It doesn’t “fix” the problem in and of itself – rather, it disrupts a pattern and that can help keep us from falling into that unintentional pattern again.
Resolution means to form the intention not do it again, because when we have the slightest sense that we might repeat it, the patterns associated with that action have a place to take hold. Remember: thoughts create emotions which drive actions. I always tell my clients they need to already believe they are the person they want to be to cultivate those qualities. Like the power of visualization – the power of belief.
Forgiving ourselves is one of those life lessons we ALL have to learn. It’s time to start practicing.
So today, I’d love for you to think of something you’ve been giving yourself a really hard time for. Know that whatever it is, you don’t need to walk around with self-blame about that forever.
Life is too short for that.
Use it to learn something, to grow, to moving towards your wisest self, which is already within you, just waiting to be uncovered.
Topics in this episode:// Why it is so hard to forgive
// The 4 steps of a proper apology
// Why regret sucks and how to move past that
// The deep beliefs that block us from letting go
// Things you can do today to start forgiving yourself
// Check out Episode 51 on self-compassion
// Listen to this about the other side of the coin: How to Forgive Others
// Ever want to work with me privately? I’ve opened up some rare spots for consult calls. Head over here to snag one and let’s chat!
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonuses courses for you I there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
Today we’re talking about gossip and mindful speech. Gossip may at first seem to be something others do - but not “us.” However, it’s more prevalent than you might think. Tibetan Buddhist teacher, Pabongka Rinpoche, says, “Idle gossip is the best way to waste our human lives.” Kind of a serious stateent, right? So I thought it might be worth spending some time on.
First, what is “gossip?”
One definition is “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details, that are not confirmed as being true.” And that mostly works, but gossip is more than just talking about people. It can be about politics, or a scientific theory not backed by data that we pretend is truth, or unverified news (aka fake news.)
What differentiates gossip from boring but benign chit chat? We can ask ourselves:
What is our motivation when we speak?
When we’re trying to figure out what we should or shouldn’t say, we can always ask ourselves: “What is my INTENT?”
If it’s motivated by thoughts of jealousy, of us wanting to be or look better than them, of attachment, or even of us wanting them to hurt in some way, then the conversation can easily turn to gossip. Some of these thoughts might be subconscious, but if we pay close attention, we can begin to catch ourselves in (or before) we open our mouths.
There’s definitely some self-compassion required here, because we have to summon the courage to take a look inward at our motivation. Without that, we may not see when we have less-than-ideal motives. Just remember: what we DO is not who we ARE.
WHY DO WE GOSSIP?
There’s definitely something about gossip and a lack of mindful speech that keeps us from cultivating a peaceful, compassionate, wise, loving mind. It’s exhausting to dish out, and frankly, it’s just as exhausting to receive it or be around it.
So why do we do it?
In a way, it’s totally natural.
People want to connect and feel like they belong. We are social beings!
And often, we’re trained to connect with others through drama or discussion about someone or something else.
Examples of other reasons we convince ourselves to gossip:
- To improve our self esteem
- To right a wrong that’s been done to us
- To connect when we feel left out
- To feel better when we are jealous of someone
- To create a sense of safety when we are feeling anxious or scared
You can learn more about these in the pod, but what’s ironic is that gossiping does the exact opposite of all the above.
It disconnects, creates less safety, and has us feeling shittier about ourselves and to us losing our self-respect.
So, what should we do instead?
First, start with self-compassion. Recognize the suffering and that we tried to push it away with gossip. What are we avoiding by looking outward instead of inward? Why are we holding up the magnifying glass instead of the mirror?
We also need to become aware of the root cause: We don’t believe in our inherent lovability and worthiness… which is our BIRTHRIGHT.
Once we get honest with ourselves, then the true work can begin. When we do all this, we will begin to notice that our self-respect improves too. Our behavior toward others naturally changes. And their responses to us will transform along with that.
You can also always remember the mnemonic, THINK, which is great as a guide for mindful speech:
Is it True?
Is it Helpful?
Is it Inspiring?
Is it Necessary?
Is it Kind?
Imagine how many things wouldn’t get said or put out into the world if we followed these guidelines! And how much less suffering there would be.
Topics in this week’s podcast:// The true definition of gossip
// How gossip affects us
// 5 of the main reasons we gossip even when we know it’s bad for us (and those we love)
// 5 tips for gossiping less
// How to THINK before we speak
// a challenge for you to take on this week – you might surprise yourself!
// Check out last week’s blog on self-compassion
// Check out this episode on generating sympathetic joy (mudita) for others when you might otherwise feel jealous
// Here the free Unshakeable Confidence training I mention
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about how to free your mind and free your life, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into ways to cultivate clarity and courage so you can create your best life. There are also some sweet bonuses courses for you I there. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
As a first-generation Filipinx-American, I was raised to believe that when things get hard, you push through, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, get tough and work harder. So when I first heard of self-compassion, I thought it was just for people that didn't know what “real” suffering was like.
I thought self-compassion was for wimps.
As I’ve worked with many clients over the years, I’ve found that I’m not the only one who finds self-compassion to be a foreign (no pun intended) concept.
Thankfully, one of my first teachers, Geshe Tsultrim Gyelsten, introduced me to Tonglen practice, and this compassion practice became one of my main transformative experiences. So there was a piece of me that knew if I could take the powerful energy of compassion and turn it towards myself, it could change a lot.
After having a regular practice since 2019, I realize now that self-compassion is a secret weapon! It’s what makes us resilient, helps us move on from difficult situations, and keeps us on the healthy path of growth.
In fact, research shows higher levels of self-compassion in military service people is associated with lower risks of PTSD, and veterans who learn self-compassion have less risk for suicide and way fewer PTSD symptoms.
Self-compassion is not for wimps. It is for soul warriors - like you and me.
Compassion can be easily defined as “being moved by the suffering of others, and being motivated to reduce that suffering.” Self-compassion is the same, but directed toward ourselves.
If you still can't picture what self-compassion as a practice would look like, try imagining that a dear friend or loved one is having a difficult problem. What would you say to them? What simple message would you deliver, heart to heart?
Now, see if you can offer that same message to yourself. That’s the start of self-compassion – making friends with ourselves. It sounds corny. But it’s powerful.
And just like compassion toward others, it’s vital to have compassion for ourselves, too.
It doesn’t make us weaker or softer or more vulnerable.
In fact, research shows that those who practice it regularly can handle difficult life circumstances and trauma more effectively.
How does self-compassion do this?
On an emotional level, when we come up against a difficult emotion or situation, our natural stress response of fight/flight/freeze kicks in. These three can only bring on some seriously unhelpful reactions:
• We fight ourselves (self-criticism)
• We flee from others (isolation)
• We freeze (rumination and being stuck in our thoughts)
In contrast, when we learn self-compassion, we can use self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness to counteract these responses.
But the stress response is also physical. When we criticize ourselves, we tap into our threat-defense system (sometimes called our reptilian brain). It’s the quickest response we naturally give when there is a perceived danger.
This releases a host of hormones that tells us to fight/flight/freeze. It’s highly emotional, and a brain stuck in emotion is not an intelligent or wise mind.
Thankfully we’ve got more capacity than reptiles.
As mammals, our young are born vulnerable. To keep them safe until they can grow and adapt to their environment, the mammalian care system was evolved. When this activates, important positive hormones are released, which reduce stress and increase feelings of safety and security.
Self-compassion is linked to that care system. When we are compassionate toward ourselves, we begin to feel safe and cared for again. This helps us step into a place of wisdom and readiness.
When we practice these components of self-compassion, we are DEactivating the threat-defense system and activating the CARE system.
And once that care system is activated… once we are taking time to care for ourselves, nourish ourselves, and love ourselves… we can show up to do the same for the world!
Doing this is sometimes hard as hell, and there are some of us who find this more difficult than others. Those with a strong inner critic are set up to gain the most from this practice (you know, the ones who tend to stuff it down, buck up, and move on?). However they are also more resistant to self-compassion. Ask me how I know;)
In this pod, I’ll also teach you one of my favorite ways to practice self-compassion: the Self-Compassion Break. That alone is worth the listen!
Topics in this week’s podcast:
// The three core components of self-compassion
// How to use self-compassion to combat our inner critic, isolation, and being stuck in negative thoughts
// How self-compassion combats our stress responses
// Why is self-compassion so hard for some and easy for others?
// How to take a self-compassion break
Resources:
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in finding out more about self-compassion, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open, and we are diving DEEP into how to be mindfully self-compassionate all this month! There are also some sweet bonuses for you. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebels committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose.
You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together!
You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
What is true success? What is a truly “rich life”? What is a life of true FREEDOM?
We all may have our own preconceived notions of what the answers to these questions look like – notions that are subliminally based on societal norms, familial or cultural expectations and the systems of power that order our world…
Today, we’re digging into what “living a life of freedom” means to you – and how to move from just imagining this, to making it happen in the here and now.
For me and for many of my clients, ‘freedom’ is also about being able to choose the lifestyle you want.
What does that look like for you?
Is a life of freedom:
:: Being able to get up at 8am and have two hours to go for a hike or a run on the beach…and then a yoga class?
:: Always waking up with the sun, not when someone else thinks you should set your alarm?
:: Traveling for four weeks at a time?
:: Not wasting three hours fare-shopping when trying to save $50 on a flight?
It may be all or none of these.
Truth is, freedom doesn’t always mean being a dirtbag (in my case, climbing guide) or a millionaire.
And it’s important to acknowledge that it’s a huge privilege to be able to think about what “our path” even is. To have the mental space to think about what we “want” to do in life. To not just be focused on survival, safety, and putting the minimum amount of food on the table.
I understand from personal experience that it’s not possible for everyone to be this selective.
But I also know that most people assume it isn’t an option for them to be picky when – and I’m living proof – it actually is.
Here’s the thing: not everyone prioritizes freedom, per se. If this is you, no problem! All the principles and tools in this episode are still applicable.
Instead of “What would a life of freedom look like for me?” ask yourself, “What would a RICH life look like for me?”
:: Would you only work while your kids were in school?
:: Would you earn enough to give freely to organizations you care about? Or only work for organizations aligned with your big values?
:: Would you travel the world and learn about other cultures?
This is all up to you. There is no right or wrong way to design a life of freedom.
But first you need to decide. And then you need to start creating it.
Because rebels, we never know when our last breath will be – and that means the time is now.
I want you to die knowing you lived this life fully. I have my own definition of freedom. I challenge you to cultivate yours.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:// How to figure out what ‘freedom’ means to you – and how to design a truly rich life, right now
// What the many different levels of freedom can look like – and how to choose where you want to be
// Why my parents realized that giving me options – the freedom of choice – was the best gift they could have ever given me
// How my time as a climbing guide helped me understand why there is “a leisure class at both ends of the social spectrum” – and how to make the most of the time you have
// Why learning to define your freedom is 100% crucial to creating the life you want and deserve
// Go to DefineYourFreedom.com and get my Clarity + Courage course now – FREE for a limited time only!
// Check out some of my past blog posts for more of this Jedi juice:
Living in Alignment
True Freedom is a Feeling
The Truth about Freedom: 3 Common Mistakes People Make
// If you’re new here, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
I grew up with parents who both had mental health diagnoses: PTSD, depression, schizoaffective disorder… and it was FAR from easy. I remember how scared and embarrassed I'd be when my dad would be found walking around the block of the 'hood naked. Or the time he slipped a knife under my mattress telling me I had to be protected "just in case."
I remember how unloved I felt and how scared I was when my mom would hit me.
I also remember the inner struggles of wanting to love them so much but finding it so difficult at times. I'd scream and yell and pull back ... and sometimes, I'm embarrassed to say, I'd shame my father for the things he did. I was too afraid of my mom to do the same to her.
I was not proud of how I showed up.
This week is about cultivating practices that help us come to these challenges with more love, compassion + wisdom.
Because everyone deserves that. And I believe we all want to show up for the people we love from a place of integrity.
Having this type of relationship with BOTH parents was exhausting, among many other feelings, and I know I’m not alone here.
In the U.S. an estimated 1 in 5 adults has had a mental illness at some point in their lives. Worldwide that prevalence is estimated to be 1 in 4 people. So the odds are that every person reading this will know someone who has a mental illness or may even be diagnosed with one themselves. I myself have had really hard times with depression and anxiety and have seen this from both sides.
So this is an important topic, and one that I'm sure to just touch the tip of the iceberg since there is so much more to it.
This pod is about some of the things we can do to help us show up as our best selves when there is someone in our life who has a mental illness. Maybe you have a parent who struggles with anxiety or OCD and their habits are wearing you out. Or your partner suffers from depression and you just can’t relate to their mindset or the days when they can’t even get out of bed for food. You know you want to help them and continue to love and support them, but how can you do it without compromising your integrity?
First, it’s important to remember self-compassion. I want to remind you of its basic components - there are THREE:
Mindfulness of our suffering
Common Humanity
Self-kindness
Without this it is hard to move from a stress response onto the next steps of how to show up in a way that we are proud of in the relationship.
Once self-compassion has helped us move to a place of centeredness and calm, THEN, from this place, we’ve come out of the stress response and can open up to a more wise way of being, a more compassionate place.
We can next start to investigate our expectations for those we love - we all have a way that we expect people to behave if they love us and respect us. And in general, it doesn't help when we make our happiness dependent on everyone following our rules.
And when someone is acutely struggling with a mental illness, you bet your ass they are not likely going to be following your manual as much as you’d like. In fact, most people - with or without a mental illness diagnosis - will let you down in this department if you hang out with them long enough.
With more awareness of our expectations, we can then practice letting go of them and of the idea that things will miraculously change. Then we can see what is available to us when we can accept our loved one as they are.
Loving them unconditionally.
It’s important to remember that this is not condoning hurtful behavior, but rather accepting that our emotional wellness does not have to rely on whether someone meets our expectations or not, and that we can still love someone even if we don’t like their behaviors. Understanding this will allow us to be more likely to respond with compassion.
When we have someone we love that does something that feels hurtful because of their mental illness, we also need to remember that it is not personal. Again, this is NOT condoning hurtful behavior. Just understanding where they are coming from.
Ultimately, one of the simplest things we can do is to love them.
Because love will always feel better than anything else.
In this episode I’ll also give some practical things to do like creating better boundaries and creating a self care practice that works for you.
The biggest gem though: you’ll learn how to see this relationship as a spiritual practice. And that, my friends, is a game-changer.
Topics in this week’s podcast:
// 3 ways to practice self-compassion
// The importance of creating boundaries
// How to change your outlook on your relationships
// Relationship as spiritual practice
// ONE thing you can do to help you show up as your best self
// Blog post: Does self compassion make you a wimp
https://www.anaverzone.com/does-self-compassion-make-you-a-wuss/
// Episode 16 - Here I discuss our expectations for people and how it leads to suffering - and how to let go of those expectations
https://www.anaverzone.com/16-how-to-improve-any-relationship/
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open! And there are some sweet bonuses for you. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
In 2012, my husband and I took a cargo boat, which was way overloaded and inches from taking on water, for 3 days on the Niger river to Timbuktu. It was the most amazing adventure.
If you look at the photo for this podcast (taken in the Sahara), we look so in love - but what’s not apparent is that we are fleeing a Touareg takeover in Timbuktu and driving across the Sahara to escape. We stopped once to pee (and took this photo). And we weren’t even supposed to do that!
Ultimately, we live thinking we have control, but we do not.
“Safety” to most people means “nothing bad will happen to me.” Or “I will not feel afraid.”
But true safety lies within. Within our own psyche.
That’s because fear - that emotion we want to avoid that makes us seek safety - is about a perceived danger.
Sure, on the rare occasion, there is real danger out there. But usually, what we are afraid of is an emotion.
And fear is the #1 reason we don’t do things we want to do to create the life we want to live. And that doesn't serve us.
Trying to protect ourselves from all kinds of perceived danger doesn’t help us feel safer, even though our brains think it does.
Action that is skillful comes from a place of calm and wisdom and groundedness - that will keep us safe.
We can cultivate our ability to do this by walking towards the fear.
In doing so over and over and over, that is how we build confidence.
Not by “protecting” ourselves, but by intentionally going out there and building resilience and cultivating confidence - ziji, that radiant inner confidence - by doing shit even though we are scared.
Having a true sense of safety is about cultivating ziji - knowing you can handle what life sends your way.
And remember - emotions perceived as threats? It may feel like you’ll die of humiliation or fear or rejection... but you won’t.
Those things we can practice every day. Doing things that scare us.
That’s how you build your resiliency muscle, how you build confidence.
Sometimes - through things out of our control - crazy shit happens. No matter what.
And we can never prepare for those event sother than ensuring we build our resilience and know that life doesn’t send us anything we can't handle.
Fear is NOT a reason to avoid adventure. To avoid taking action towards our dreams.
What’s a perceived threat you have that isn’t really a threat or a danger to your physical safety? How can you walk closer to that today? How can you walk towards it, even if just one step? Share it with me in the RB FB group.
We have one precious life, rebels.
Go for it.
// What true safety is – and how to cultivate true refuge in yourself
// How fear keeps us from living our best life
// How (and when) to walk toward fear
// Why it is essential that you learn to work with fear
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open! And there are some sweet bonuses for you. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more. Learn more at JoinFreedomSchool.com
You may or may not know that my jam is helping people live a life of no regrets. Literally, it’s the first thing you see on my website. It says, “live a life of no regrets” because I’ve learned that it’s one of the things I do NOT want to feel after I’ve lived my life.
And people will often say, “How can you...even say that’s possible?” Do you really believe we can not have regrets?
Hell yes.
Let’s look at the definition of regret: Regret from the perspective of psychology is a negative cognitive or emotional state that involves blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been, or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made.
In the context of our mind and its role in our daily experience of life, regret is a feeling caused by our thoughts, just like other feelings
And most of the time, regret is more deeply felt when it has to do with our OWN behavior.
When it comes to relationships, studies on gender differences in regret show that 44% of women surveyed in one study had romantic regrets, versus just 19% of men.
Studies have also found that regret is much more commonly experienced by young people in individualist cultures. People in more collectivist cultures, which deemphasize individual choice, have less of a basis for blaming themselves for negative outcomes.
Last week I talked about how emotions are information, and regret is no exception.
Regret was rated #1 in a list of negative emotions in fulfilling five functions:
As you can see, it can be super helpful!
So why is this experience of regret so painful? Why do we feel it so strongly?
Basically, our brains can't really tell the difference between a well-imagined past, present and future. They all feel equally real in the moment we are thinking about them because they ARE happening to us in our minds when we think about it.
Regret can also stem from what we call counterfactual thinking. In other words, the easier it is to visualize a different outcome, the more likely we are to regret the lost opportunity. We think we would feel better now if it went down differently, and we imagine “what could have been.”
The main reason regret is painful because we have thoughts that create an entire storyline that it should not have gone down the way it did. And it includes all the dramatic cast of characters like it would have been different if we didn't screw up, and that we’d be so much happier now if we have showed up in a different way.
And we replay this story over and over and eventually we see this story – our version of what happened - as the truth.
And this leads us to thinking that the past should have been different that it was.
We want to try to change the past, which, last I checked, isn’t possible without a time machine.
Look: If we want to move past regret, we need to create NEW thoughts about the past
When we can have different thoughts TODAY about what happened in the past, we will feel better TODAY. The past does not have to change at all.
Let’s talk a bit about the most common “thought errors” that lead to regret:
1) The first is that we take too much responsibility for the result that occurred after our actions. We think it is “all our fault,” when in reality, many factors came into play for that results to happen.
2) The second is that we let our actions or inactions define who we are as a person. We judge ourselves. We think we ARE our actions. And we think if we had acted differently, we would feel better about ourselves.
The underlying theme here is that we are thinking we’d be happier if the result was different, but that’s not true. It isn’t our circumstances that create how we feel about ourselves. It’s how we perceive them. The thoughts we have about them.
The story we tell about what went down.
The good news is, we can intentionally reshape our brains through our thoughts and experiences. So, we can also turn regret around.
We need to change the story we tell about our past. When we assign new meaning to it, it changes our emotional response to it, and therefore creates different results in our lives.
From an evolutionary perspective, those memories are there to keep us “safe.” To remind us of what to watch for or avoid the danger we experienced. But that mechanism works better for things like saber-toothed tigers. Not for a bad breakup.
They don’t really keep us safe. The only true safety is in ourselves - knowing we have our own back, that we will do what it takes to ensure we are nurturing our highest selves.
If we look at the thought errors I went over earlier, I think the antidotes to both are best described as surrender and moving from judgment to curiosity with self-compassion.
It’s so important to remember that we are not our thoughts and we are not our actions. And you were doing the BEST you could with the resources you had at the time.
And the tradeoff - or the gem - is that we get to do the work to help us grow and learn.
So, is it possible to live with no regrets? Absolutely. And when we live with no regrets, we gain the wisdom from what we learned and then move ON.
Here’s a summary of how you can let go of regret:
// Ask your brain more helpful questions like (I’ll share those in the pod).
// Surrender and let go of the idea that you control things you have no control over.
// Practice self-compassion, moving from judgment to curiosity
// When you didn't like how you showed up, use the insightful aspects of regret, and commit to doing the work so that your actions align with your values.
Ultimately, this is about cultivating ziji, that Tibetan word I love that means radiant inner confidence.
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Topics in this week’s podcast:// What is regret, and why is it so painful?
// Two common “thought errors” that lead to regret and keep us stuck
// How to ask the right questions about our past mistakes
// How to change our thoughts to stop regret in its tracks
// 4 things you can do to let go of your regret
Resources
// Episode 46 Letting Emotions Be Your Guide
// Episode 39 where I talk about visualization and a 4-step exercise to help you prep for any important event
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// Don’t regret waiting to sign up for Freedom School, where I teach all this good stuff in a way that helps you apply everything you learn to real, messy life. Check out JoinFreedomSchool.com and learn more (and there are some sweet bonuses for you too!). And FYI – the entire month of JUNE is dedicated to writing your new life story.
One time I was complaining to one of my teachers that it was so much harder for me to progress spiritually since I became a mama. I wasn’t willing to leave my daughter for months to go on a retreat, and I barely found time to sleep, let alone meditate daily. I asked the teacher, whom I deeply trusted, “What should I do?”
My teacher asked me if I had heard of Dipa Ma. Of course, I hadn’t. She explained that Dipa Ma’s specialty was helping householders cultivate their practice and helping them see that spiritual attainments were possible – even as a stay-at-home parent.
Dipa Ma had some pretty big tragedies happen in her life – losing her mom at just 18 and taking in her bother to raise as a result, having two children die, and then her husband suddenly dying in 1957. She also developed chronic physical pains.
Despite all that, she kept with her a love and passion for studying Buddhism and spirituality and is a very respected Vipassana teacher.
The gift I received from reading about Dipa Ma was how she turned her everyday life into spiritual practice, and how she also made sure she made time for it each day.
You see, one of the things I see a lot in the students I coach in Freedom School is this idea of “either/or thinking.” As if things are either one ORthe other, with no middle ground.
But in these scenarios, we often CAN find a middle way, right?
Dipa Ma talked about committing to your practice, waking up in the dark and getting in 1-2 hours of meditation before her children woke up. She would teach other mothers in Calcutta the importance of prioritizing spiritual practice and doing what it takes (she was no trust-funder!). She found a balance between family life and spiritual life - alternating between being home and going on retreats.
Once I decided to commit to prioritizing my spiritual practice as part of putting family first - that the idea of family first included ME as part of that family and my spiritual growth - I started to find more ways that a spiritual family life was possible that worked for me.
This changed everything. Being a dedicated practitioner and a mother are inextricably linked. One impacts the other.
Honestly, I can’t imagine being a parent without the framework of my practice to meet the challenges and demands of parenting.
Being a parent also provides a ton of opportunities for spiritual growth if you can be creative and use the experiences - just like, mother or not, we are encouraged to take challenges and obstacles and use them for our spiritual growth, to learn how our mind works.
Ultimately, being a parent is one long practice of letting go and helps us cultivate a more flexible approach to life, and to practice letting go, as we have to do with each stage of development our kids go through - letting go of the baby feet, of them wanting to cuddle with you, of them wanting to be near you all the time...
Parenthood can also give you opportunities to deepen and expand the parental love you feel into genuine metta by expanding that love to include others.
Metta has many similarities with mama bear love. Both are intense, nurturing, and selfless, so as a mother you can work to extend your love, so it is no longer self-referential, and it becomes limitless.
So, what are we to do then? What’s the best path a spiritual mama (or papa) can take?
I think it is important to find ways to bring the aspects of your practice into ordinary daily activities like doing the laundry, cooking, ironing, etc.
It’s also important to have a regular time when you can more deeply engage with your practice.
It’s also KEY to cultivate connections. It’s hard as a lone rebel wolf.
I want to encourage you to also consider starting a kalyana mitta group.
In the end, the world is more front-and-center when you bring up kids, and you will need confidence, that Ziji, that inner radiant confidence…and self-reliance.
We also can’t gloss over the fact that Buddha wandered homeless. It’s hard to understand that level of letting go as a householder. But Dipa Ma also showed us it is possible. That's why it's so important to study teachers that have also been mothers.
Mamahood can be a rich and fertile soil for spiritual growth. It can provide a ton of valuable opportunities for practice. It is a path of loving and letting go.
And so is the rest of life.
So, spiritual mamapapa, the take home here is that you must prioritize it. Family first? YOU are a part of that family too and YOUR spiritual growth benefits the entire family.
It takes some fierce mama bear energy to protect your own opportunities for spiritual growth:
// drawing the boundaries at home so you have time to meditate
// carving out time to go on longer retreats
// getting over your own shizzle about how everything will fall apart if you leave for a little bit
// having the discipline not to buffer at night with things that don’t truly help you relax so that you have the energy and time to wake up early so you can go deeper into your practice.
// using the challenges of motherhood to help you grow - using them to examine your mind, your beliefs, your attachment, and aversions.
And ultimately, realizing you are not your parenthood. You are so much more. You’ve always been so much more.
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Topics in this week’s podcast:
// Going from either/or to both/and
// What it takes to commit to practice as a parent
// How I almost became a NUN (and why I didn’t)
// How dedicating to a practice helps parenthood
// The best path a spiritual parent can take
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// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open! And there are some sweet bonuses for you. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure, and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
A few weeks ago, I was speaking with a friend who thinks the whole thoughts-feelings-actions thing is too cerebral, and she said, “emotions are intelligent and show us deep truths!”
And I thought, totally! They show us our thoughts which show us our most deeply held beliefs -some of which we may not be conscious of. Deep truths.
Emotions and thoughts: They aren’t mutually exclusive.
But I ALSO added that I believe they tell us truths about how we are living in alignment with our truth or not.
There are four foundations of mindfulness. Today I want to talk about the second foundation of mindfulness, which is that of feelings/emotions. More specifically, how being mindful of our emotions can help us gain wisdom into our truth.
First, it’s important to remember that emotions aren’t bad in and of themselves. It’s what we DO when we feel them that often cause the suffering. Not the emotion itself.
Practicing mindfulness of emotions helps us to learn about ourselves and our mind and not get hooked by the emotions themselves.
So, the first benefit of mindfulness of emotions is… being less reactive.
Researcher Benjamin Libet discovered that the part of the brain responsible for movement activates a quarter-second before we become aware of our intention to move. There is then another quarter-second before the movement begins. Tara Bennett-Goleman called this, “the magic quarter-second.”
Within that ¼ second of time lies the chance to do things differently instead of just doing what our default mode would have us do.
We also have a stream of physical sensations and sense experiences AND a stream of feelings. We often don’t notice the feelings until they are strong and overwhelming us, but emotions are wanting to tell us what's going on internally all the time.
So first, emotions will often tell you what your thoughts are.
Emotions can also tell us when we are out of alignment with our truth.
How often have I seen a client’s panic attacks stop when they leave a toxic work environment? How many clients have I seen whose depression lifts when they release a heavy burden, or finally start to build the life they were meant to live?
So, what are your emotions telling you?
Emotions also occupy a lot of our energy and mind space. We have this capacity to feel, and it's really rich.
Mindfulness - loving awareness - invites us to begin to attend to and learn how to live in a more conscious relation to feelings. This is where we awaken, right?
Emotions are where the juicy things happen.
But they’re not the end of the story. That's the beautiful thing. No feeling is final. They're leading us to some greater understanding.
Mindfulness, it's like this. Anger, grief, longing, joy, bliss… It’s all like this.
Bow to each of them, rebel.
One more thing I want to say about emotions:
You’ve heard me say so many times that freedom comes when we are willing to feel anything.
So, what are you unwilling to feel? That unwillingness is what’s blocking us, holding us back.
Because in most moments when we’re unconscious and operating in default mode, it's because, in some way, we're pushing away something that's just part of the nature of being.
Alright rebel: this week I want you to notice your myriad emotions throughout the day... and at least once a day - if not throughout the day - ask yourself, “What is this emotion trying to tell me about my truth and my life right now?” Start to appreciate the wisdom your emotions have, and what you can learn when, instead of trying to push them away or escape them, you pay attention to them and inquire about how they can help you live your truth.
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Topics in this week’s podcast:
// The benefits if being mindful of emotions
// The magic quarter-second
// 2 things your emotions can tell you
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// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open! And there are some sweet bonuses for you. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure, and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
Karma... it's not necessarily a concept that many of us think of every day. More than likely, that word pops into our heads when we've caught ourselves acting like a bitch to someone who definitely didn't observe it. "Just wait till karma catches up with you...!"
Others, myself included, have had some serious introspective moments when faced with our own mortality... or the death of someone close to us. I remember taking a long hard look at the afterlife and karma when I was first diagnosed with cancer, then again when my mother died.
Media and popular culture may only point to karma when something bad happens, but at it's original core, what IS it?
At its base, karma can be simply defined as cause and effect. But that doesn't mean that it is a simple concept.
When my mom died, I remember feeling super guilty about all of the negative interactions and unkind attitudes I threw at her, especially when I was an adult. I harbored a lot of resentment because I had been abused growing up, and I certainly wasn't proud of the way I treated her.
After the way I acted toward my mom... would anything bad happen to me? What happened to all that negative energy that existed between us for so long?
Needless to say, karma definitely came up as a recurring thought.
So then... What is karma? It isn't every single action and reaction that exists or happens in the Universe. It is the result of how we act. and it all starts with our MIND.
If we investigate our minds and look at the patterns in our own consciousness, we begin to see that those patterns determine how the world responds to us.
Think of karma as planting seeds. If you plant the seed of a maple tree, you are going to grow a maple. You won't end up with a pine or oak.
So what seeds are WE planting? And even further down the link... which ones are we watering?
Another key part of understanding karma is intention. Skidding on wet or icy roads and hitting another car is quite different than plowing into another car because you hate them and INTEND to hurt them, right? And the way the victim acts will definitely change depending on those intentions!
And there are long and short-term intentions.
Jack Kornfield described long-term intention as characterized, in some way, by the direction that we set our heart. While we may not see the fruits or results of that intention, it will guide us in a certain direction.
Short-term intention can be related to the Power of the Pause, which I talked about in episode 44. Go back to that situation you imagined last week. That moment you remembered where you were triggered, and you were moments away from a very reactionary response.
To set a short-term intention, ask yourself these three questions:
>> What does my best intention want to respond?
>> What would honor my deepest values?
>> How do I want to show up in the world?
Now, through your pause, and with those best intentions in mind, you can respond more creatively. And you can see that immediate impact of karma.
Cause and effect.
Intentions are the way our lives come to be - they energize us to be what we can be.
To manifest everything that is possible for us.
But this doesn't come naturally. It’s actually a totally rebellious act to do this.
So today, I want to invite you to do what I ask of my Freedom School students: set an intention (or intentions) for your day – one that you say regularly as your long-term heart intention.
Ask, “What is the most important thing I can do today, or one thing I can do today, or the most important way I can BE today, that will help me move towards my highest intention?”
Whatever that thing is, karma or no karma… afterlives or not… What matters is how we show up here and now. That, more than anything, shapes how we experience this life.
Topics in this week’s podcast:// What IS karma? And how does it affect our lives?
// Short-term vs long-term intention
// 3 days to check in with the authenticity of an intention
// One thing you can do every day to move you toward your highest intention
Resources:// Check out this related episode: Episode 44: The Power of the Pause
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open! And there are some sweet bonuses for you. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was in graduate school, living in a friend’s basement. Suddenly, I was overcome with nausea, and I felt...awful. Instead of being with that, my brain went into planning mode. I started researching the web for answers and networking about creating an action plan. There was no pause, just diving into control mode.
Thankfully, my years meditation practice kicked in and reminded me to pause. I noticed a big void. Then big emotion. I started crying. I went to talk to my friends upstairs. I curled up in their bed and told them I had cancer. They hugged me as I cried.
I’ll never forget that. The intensity of letting myself pause, the tidal wave of emotions, the relief of finally BEING with what was happening at the moment... being with it fully and authentically.
Later in my life, I was a new nurse in a Level 1 Trauma Center at a busy urban hospital in California. I remember so clearly seeing my first death – an older man who had a heart attack at home came in by ambulance, and whose wife was still en route. After I completed my assigned duties, I went to the head of the bed while the busy resuscitation attempts were going on, and held his head in my hands, “It’s OK. I’m here. Everyone is doing everything they can. I am here for you. You are in the best hands possible. You just do what you need to do.” I told him he was loved, and it would be OK.
The time of death was called. I did a fast debrief with the team, then stayed behind for a moment as others left to deal with pressing cases.
I paused. I prayed. And then I left the room.
This pause allowed me to feel in my body and my soul that he was a being, a fellow human being. Just like me.
I also recall pausing during joyful events, like when I gave the blessing of food at a friend’s wedding. I felt what was needed was a pause for reflection on the reason for the event: a sacred union, a commitment, a community bearing witness, and an honoring... and a coming together on a beautiful day with an abundance of food made by everyone in attendance.
We all sense these moments and the need to pause when we encounter them. We really touch into kind of a natural lightness, presence, intelligence, creativity…
Today I wanted to talk about pausing and learning to pause, especially in times of stress, because that’s when we most need to pause.
There are two large reasons it’s hard to pause:
If you’re like me and enjoy trips out into nature, you know that piling logs onto a fire doesn’t make it bigger. It instead becomes too much; there is no room for oxygen to get in. The fire may never catch, even with an abundance of wood. Instead, we should pay attention to the spaces in between. Give fire this space, and it will grow.
The limbic brain controls our primitive instincts. It is hard to pause before those “doings.” We need to control and manage threats. Of course, there ARE threats that we should act on/avoid. But we get hooked on that action. We think there is ALWAYS SOMETHING - locked into incessant doing. Just the way the fire needs air and space to burn brightly, for our lives to burn brightly, we also need some space, right?
We sleep as a physical pause. We also need to pause mentally.
The challenge is that when stopping goal-oriented activity, we feel the vulnerability there. It doesn’t always feel good.
I’ve noticed that as I pause more and open to what IS - to the vulnerability of caring so damn much and seeing the suffering of all beings and having heartache... and to the light dancing on the water, the softness of my kid’s skin, and the sweetness of her voice... I cry a lot more. It can be achingly beautiful. We should be willing to sit and be present in the discomfort of the pause.
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It’s part of American culture that being busy often equals importance. Or constantly doing equals adventure. And being stressed/busy triggers feeling threatened, which leads to aggression. This is a hijacking of the limbic system. It can create distance between loved ones and us.
The same goes for addictive behaviors. We give in to cravings and bad habits. We also see it in spiritual life. We want to find a specific feeling or meditative state instead of just feeling now. Or in today’s “busyness,” texting, checking emails, always being “on.” We fear the void that the pause brings. What if people judge me? It creates more distance.
So, when we don’t pause - to see what REALLY is happening either inside us or outside of us and in others - we don’t show up in a way we are proud of.
Viktor Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” That freedom includes love and wisdom.
So then… HOW do we pause?
There is the archetypal pause: The Buddha rested under the Bodhi Tree and was enlightened. He saw WHO we all are in our essence: our compassion, loving hearts, inner radiance.
While all of meditation is a pause as we intentionally step out of our habitual doing, continuing meditation involves being distracted by thoughts, becoming aware we have gotten distracted, and then sinking back into non-doing. It’s a cycle. It’s how we practice pausing—getting better in meditation = getting better at the moment, at the pause.
It is the same when we feel triggered and when we get hooked and want to react. Meditation helps us notice the space between a stimulus and a response - and allow us to pause in that moment.
The gift of mindfulness is with what is here, with recognizing the connection between our identity and the world. It allows us to respond to the world with wisdom and see suffering in others, ourselves, and also to see beauty. We find Ziji – radiant inner confidence – within us. We are with what IS. We have opened ourselves to choice, creativity instead of reactivity. That is the power of the pause.
Experiment now and take this moment to pause. Bring it to a situation where you get hooked. Remember the situation as an observer, like someone watching a movie. See what triggers you. Then pause right before you would normally react.
In that pause, breathe. Notice your body. Experience the vulnerability when you observe this moment.. Bring kindness and attention to the pause - let go of judgment. And let it include attending to the other person too.
What do you notice about their vulnerability, insecurities, unmet needs?
How would you like to respond during this triggering event in the future? How can you show up in true mindfulness, compassion, and wisdom?
Doing this in real life is a lot harder than visualizing an event. Continue to practice on your own, and you’ll be more ready when people become involved. The pauses will give you access to those qualities that are part of your true nature – that deep intelligence and love and creativity that is our nature - in all of us.
This also helps us create some space to let what needs to happen, happen.
The same process also unfolds on a more societal and global scale. When people from diverse backgrounds pause together and deepen being present with one another, we have more possibility to see past the fear and the surface words and actions and remember: Oh, just like me, you too want to love and be loved. This so greatly needed in the world right now.
It’s a radical thing – a rebellious act… to have that intention not to keep doing anything, not controlling anything… to say YES to experiencing life completely awake, senses wide open with a non-doing presence. And to create sacred moments throughout your day to consciously cultivate this.
For you rebels, set the intention for more pauses. Throughout the day, pause, and breathe. 20 seconds.
See what happens in your life when you pause like this. It could change… everything.
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Topics in this week’s podcast:
// Two HUGE reasons it’s so hard to pause
// The power pausing has in your life and society
// The dangers of not pausing
// How to practice pausing daily
Resources:// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open! And there are some sweet bonuses for you. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
Today we talk about those times when it’s hard to feel good about other people’s good luck and abundance, and maybe feeling a little - or a lot - jealous. Sometimes we don’t feel good about when a friend gets a new car, or the book deal we’ve been waiting years for, or the soulmate that we still haven’t met. But today you’ll learn that it’s totally normal, and that feeling “sympathetic joy,” or mudita, is one of the hardest qualities for most people to cultivate.
I noticed that I would feel a lot of shame when I didn’t naturally feel sympathetic joy for others. I explored what might be contributing to this, and I realized this likely was influenced by my upbringing in a very poor family. Like on Thanksgiving every year, St. Vincent de Paul would give out turkeys to people in our neighborhood. But you had to sort of know someone or get in line really early to get one. And if you didn’t, they’d run out, and you wouldn’t have a turkey for Thanksgiving. There literally wasn’t enough. Or government food, like those orange cheese blocks that had a texture like soft plastic. They ran out of that stuff.
While there was indeed some level of scarcity in my life growing up, especially as a child in that context with little control or power, I was forgetting that I was no longer in that circumstance, and I was no longer that little powerless kid. I had forgotten that the world wasn’t like it was when I was a kid anymore.
I knew this on an intellectual level, and could easily apply it as it related to things that I did not have any desire for...but when I wanted something and someone else got it, I would still feel a pang of me losing out. I'd feel sad, instead of happy for them.
Sure, I’d say, “Congratulations!” I was going through the motions of what I intellectually knew was true...but I didn’t believe it or feel it in my heart right away.
While I could self-coach in the moment and remind myself of abundance and how there’s enough for everyone and eventually get there... I was so embarrassed that being happy for others with good fortune did not come naturally. I felt, wow, am I super messed up or something that I am not happy for my friends and for others when wonderful things happen for them - that I sort of wished were happening to me?
This was particularly embarrassing considering I have spent many years meditating and cultivating loving kindness and compassion and equanimity. There was some spiritual shame around that. Like wow - this seems like the easiest thing, why is it so hard for me despite my years of practice?
But what I had to remind myself of was that sympathetic joy - stood as a quality on its own, in addition to compassion, living kindness and equanimity.
The idea of limitless abundance, that someone else’s joy and good fortune wasn’t taking a bit from mine...that’s the opposite of the environment in which I grew up. My parents were generous with what we did have, but I definitely remember being VERY anxious about if we’d get our fair share.
As I explored mudita more, I was somewhat comforted by the fact that Buddha apparently said sympathetic joy was the hardest heart quality to practice because it so easily falls into the near-neighbor heart quality, which I was taught as being comparison, or hypocrisy, or insincerity - a sort of fake exuberance, or even a joy for others that was tinged with identification (my team, my child).
I also learned that you could practice mudita and get better at it and it would become more nature.
If one is able to be joyful for success and happiness even in others, it would present one with much more opportunities to feel happy. So you see - more happiness is available to us! When sympathetic joy is cultivated, at its best it removes the separation between oneself and others so that anyone else’s happiness naturally becomes our happiness too.
Topics in this episode:
// Why it’s natural for sympathetic joy to not flow easily – and to not be ashamed about it
// The steps of cultivating mudita
// The one phrase to practice if you want to move past envy and jealousy
// What gratitude has got to do with it all
// The bennies of being really good at mudita
Resources:// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open for a limited time. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
In this episode we explore one aspect of our Dharma, our purpose in life.
People often think this is one thing. Like, when people say “I’ve always known I wanted to be a marine biologist, ever since I was a kid.”
Or, “I just knew I was going to be a teacher.”
But the truth is, many of us have multiple strengths and passions that we long to share with the world - especially freedom junkies like my clients, and like you rebels out there listening to this podcast - but we never give ourselves permission to explore and cultivate them.
One term used to describe a person with many passions is “multi-passionate,” and here’s what usually happens when someone is a multi-passionate:
- You notice that bright shiny object (aka new passion)
- Then uber-obsession kicks in and you think about it all the freakin’ time
- Then you take a deep breath and dive in. You learn all you can. You immerse yourself in it. If you’re like me, it make look like an obsession.
- Then, you start doing it - the new hobby or the new adventure
- And eventually, once you got it figured out or learned “enough,” you may ditch it, or quickly finish it up/get it over with...or add another passion to the list
Can you relate?
Other characteristics of multi-passionate people:
// They love to learn. That’s me 100%. I budget thousands of dollars a year just for learning. I love it THAT much. I wish school was free. But it’s not. So I have to reign it in a bit.
// Multi-passionates also read widely in divergent areas that often are not connected.
Like how what I’m reading now ranges from a revisiting of Martha Beck’s Steering By Starlight, Michael Benavov’s Men of Salt, about a man’s journey along the Sahara’s ancient salt trade route, and the “green journal” of the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology. Seriously.
But what ends up happening with multipassionates is that as a result of this exposure to so many things, we have tons of idea babies.
We start to see connections across seemingly disparate areas - and for people that get really good at it, there are brilliant new discoveries, inventions, new ways to apply things, amazing collaborations.
Justine Musk, who was formerly married to Elon Musk, the founder of PayPal and the CEO of Tesla and SpaceX (another multi-passionate, right?) once gave some advice about how to become a billionaire. She recommended choosing something unique and helpful that no computer could replicate, and to master that. Then to choose a second thing and become the master of that as well. Then she said, “Introduce hot ideas to each other, so they can have idea sex and make idea babies that no one has seen before”.
Brilliant!
And this, fellow humans, is what a multi-passionate at their best can do!
So it’s actually a blessing to have so many interests, especially when we let our brains explore the different ways we can combine them all
We know a lot about ...a lot!
Some examples of multi-passionates are people like Leonardo DaVinci who was a scientist, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, painter, sculptor, architect, musician, and writer...he’s been credited with inventing the helicopter too!
Then there’s Maya Angelou. I mean, she has done so much. She danced at a strip joint, ran a brothel, mastered several languages (after not speaking for 5 years as a kid), published a variety of books from cooking to children’s books to poetry. She wrote plays and screenplays and acted in them (she was even nominated for an Emmy!)! And more. I mean what the what????
Another characteristic of multi-passionates is they have the ability to focus on a given topic for a long period of time. Many people think multi-passionates have ADHD - and many might, but actually most MPs can also deeply focus on a topic – but with the caveat that they can focus on a given topic as long as it is necessary to learn what they need to know. After that, they move on.
And this powerful ability to focus is not to the exclusion of everything else.
Rather, it is a stepping-stone to the next thing!
The thing that causes a lot of suffering in all this for MPs is that lots of us freak out about having to choose one thing.
We don’t want to.
But the world really really really wants us to.
And we feel that our changing directions lead others to see it as proof that we are confused or something.
And we worry people might see us as flaky.
I know when I was first starting to strut my multipassionate colors, I would also constantly feel really self-conscious when people at parties would ask, “What do you do?” Where do I even start?
Even my hair stylist - she said, “Hey what exactly do you do? I was telling someone about you and how you help women get more confidence and build resilience and have more adventure...but I realized I didn’t know exactly what you DO?”
And that’s because it doesn't fit into a box, my friends.
Multi-passionates often hear, “Why don’t you just do the safe thing instead? The ‘normal’ thing. The obvious thing?”
And our response is usually...because that seems kind of boring.
And people don’t get that, especially those folks that are totally content with doing their one thing.
Even though I have a truly amazing life now, for much of it I often felt judged. I felt like people thought I was lazy, or scattered, a dilettante, Jill of All Trades (Master of None), unable to focus. “Why can’t she just pick one thing and stick to it?”
Barhara Sherer, who wrote the book Refuse to Choose, said, “You are the owner of a remarkable, multi-talented brain trying to do its work in a world that doesn’t understand who you are and doesn’t know why you behave as you do.”
When I read that, it put all the things that other people criticized me for in a positive light. I finally felt seen. Understood.
Once I embraced this aspect of who I was, I was able to piece all my passions together into a mandala of sorts that works for me. I’ve done everything from being a massage therapist and a New York Times paper girl, a nurse, international climbing guide, yoga teacher, midwife, professor, Master Life Coach – and more! There is a lot to be passionate about within both coaching and the medical field, so they keep me quite content;)
I want to make it clear here: you don’t have to choose one thing.
One of my superpowers as a coach is being able to see the passions of my clients and helping them create a lifestyle that allows them to LIVE it all. Just like the amazing multi-passionates before them. So many idea babies get born!
You can create a mandala like I did, fitting in multiple passions at once. You can drop into one passion for awhile and then move on to the next when you’re ready. You can do it your way.
Don’t worry about “having” to pick one.
How do you weave together your own mandala in life?
In this episode I talk about the importance of:
Fulling owning being a MP
Managing your mind around it.
Choosing who you share your passion projects with with care.
When to decide that a passion is a long-term project and what it means for entrepreneurs
And lastly, the importance of letting people be wrong about you and your myriad passions.
In short, if you’re a rebel multipassionate, I want to challenge you to own your multipassionism and strut it! Fly that freak flag and wave it in the air. You are a miracle. You are unique. We need you to do you, your way.
// What having a multi-passionate brain looks like
// Do all multi-passionate people have ADD
// 6 key tips for how to create your own multi-passionate lifestyle
// How to fly your Freak Flag with pride
// Click here to listen to Episode 36 How to Let People Be Wrong About You
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open for a limited time. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
Every now and then I get comments about charging for what I teach. Like how dare I teach certain tools and charge for them. How can I charge to help people to stop overdrinking? Or have less anxiety? Or how to manage their mind? Or how to feel free?
They say it is very “unspiritual” of me, very “un-Buddhist” of me, to earn a living helping people this way.
So I wanted to discuss the concept of “right-livelihood” more in-depth, because I think there are some big misunderstandings of what right livelihood is - and a misunderstanding of the teachings and how they were created for monastics and the way it is different in teachings for lay people.
These misunderstandings lead to a lot of people with good hearts and amazing skills not making a living doing what they love because they have some old stories about what is a noble way to earn a living.
“Right Livelihood” is a traditional Buddhist teaching and is considered one of the factors of the eight-fold path to enlightenment. The idea is you follow these 8 guidelines and they help create the conditions that make attaining enlightenment easier.
I find it helpful to not interpret these as commandments per se, which a lot of people are used to. Many of us grew up being told hey if you do this spiritual thing you're good and will go to the happy place, and if not then you go to the really bad place.
So when most of us hear about things we “should” or should not do, we run for the hills, right? Or we run straight towards what we’re not supposed to do
I know I do! And I know many of you rebels do too.
The way I was taught was to see them like they are like a recipe, a proven recipe from a really good chef.
Sure, we could come up with our own recipe, but if we want to make life easier on the path that we choose, we might want to follow some advice from those that have gone before us and see if it works for us. So we check for ourself if practicing right speech, right actions, right livelihood etc helps us grow spiritually.
If it does, great! If not, then we can choose to leave it.
Right livelihood is part of a series of recommendations that makes attaining enlightenment easier.
Jack Kornfield said, “Right Livelihood is considered a part of the way to enlightenment most simply because it’s very hard to meditate after a day of killing and stealing! We can use our work as a practice and a form of meditation.”
I totally relate to that. Essentially, right livelihood is refraining from types of work that cause harm to other living beings
It’s about avoiding trades that directly or indirectly harm others, and the examples traditionally given are like selling slaves, weapons, animals for slaughter, intoxicants, or poison.
But ultimately, the teaching of right livelihood is about ethical livelihood. And that, I think, helps the term right livelihood be more clear.
But there is a lot of muddled energy around money and its role in right livelihood
Like sexuality and desire, money is a form of energy - and it's quite neutral.
It can be used in beneficial ways, and it can be used in destructive ways.
And in most people, it comes with a serving of shame - either feeling ashamed to have been born with it, or ashamed to not have enough of it.
We add to that the spiritual teachings we hear about renunciation that reinforce a negative judgment of it, and shame. Monastics are taught not to touch it, and that they can only beg for food and can’t buy it.
And then our money stories get mixed with greed, and desire, and all of those things together with it and whew...it becomes a lot.
What's our role in a culture with wide disparities between the rich and poor? And are we participating in the injustice of it? Are we contributing to the solution?
Should we have money or give it all away? And in a society where money is power, how does that influence things?
It’s not black and white – it is complex, and it is something that we have to contemplate and really pay attention.
You might ask if you should take a certain job and make a bunch of money and wonder if it is ethical or not.
Or what to do when the family is fighting over an inheritance.
Or how to spend some money you came across.
Or what you're willing to do to get out of poverty.
But ultimately, we want to understand that money is energy and that money is an expression of the energy of the world.
And if we take that energy and combine it with a vision of a world that is more caring and more just, and with integrity, then it can do amazing things
There are a lot of teachings for us that who are not monks and nuns that are really important, and I share some of them in this episode. They're not emphasized much because most of what was written down in the Buddhist tradition was written for monastics, but they are there.
Ultimately, you want to get comfortable with money and look at your own relationship to it. And then you're going to have to get clear on your relationship to it in how you choose to earn a living.
When I asked Jack Kornfield about how to handle it when someone gets upset that people charge for classes, he told me that we aren’t going to be able to please everyone. Someone will also be upset with what we choose. And we need to really introspect and reflect so that we like are reasons for doing what we’re doing and feel OK about it.
So I want to invite that to you as well.
And I know some of you out there think that the easy way out is to not charge - then no one will be upset with you.
But I want to share a story with you: People will ask me to charge less for my courses, so every now and then I have a donation-only sale for my most popular course. LOTS of people sign up for it and donate $1, or $100...but who finishes it? NONE of them.
Who finishes the courses? The people in Freedom School - and especially the people who sign up for a full year in advance! There’s a sense of commitment there.
So this isn't to say that's the right way to do it.
But what it is saying is that we live in a culture where money is a part of how people show value of their intention and their investment in something.
And you need to really reflect and find what is a healthy way for you.
You might be in a community where charging is the wrong thing.
And there might be communities where the best thing you can do is to offer your time without charging.
But those are things that you want to get comfortable exploring, and then find your own way.
And then use it to create benefit.
You’ve heard me say in many episodes that I hope you use what you learn to benefit the world.
So first is to not cause harm with the money that you make.
Then, do things that have value to yourself and others. Create a benefit,
That’s right livelihood, in its essence.
Remember: you also don't actually own the money. It’s energy. When we leave this body, we don't get to keep it.
But what you can do is be the steward of it. In Hawai’i they have a word malama, meaning “to take care of, tend, attend, care for, preserve, protect.” That’s how we want to relate to our money.
And we take care to not let attachment and fear and greed drive us.
So this is another important area where mindfulness can help us, because the only way to do that is to try to become conscious of it, to make it a conscious process.
Topics in this episode:// What it means to earn money in an ethical way
// Is it ethical to an earn money helping and healing people?
// What “right livelihood” means – for those of us who aren’t monks and nuns
// Why money isn’t evil – and why it’s amazing
// Why the best answer isn’t to give everything away for free
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. Enrollment is open for a limited time. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
Today we dive deeper into how desire fits into our life when we want to continue to evolve spiritually and act in ways that are compassionate to the earth and to others.
A lot of people think of desire as this thing that we develop… but really, we have desire wired into us as humans.
The essence of what Buddhism offers and teaches through mindfulness, lovingkindness, and compassion, is freedom of the heart. Not “needing” things, not being attached to things. But rather inner freedom. As a result, desire and attachment are often misunderstood.
And all the practices that I’ve learned and that I teach here and in Freedom School - all the ways that we work with our minds - are to invite that sense of true inner and outer freedom. To cultivate a release from fear, a release from all the entanglements of life.
Often the root of so much suffering is resisting what IS because we are attached to how we’d rather have it be.
So where do desire and attachment fit in when freedom is our goal?
One important thing to remember is that freedom is not a freedom to remove ourselves from the world, but to actually be more fully present and free to know, to respond, to be open to life, and to find a wholeness in each moment.
And the amazing thing is that when you meet people who have this sense of freedom, it's contagious. You can feel it in some way. You can tell when they walk in the room. You’re like, “I want me somma that!”
Here WE are in this human incarnation. And need and desire is a real thing.
We need money for rent, and we need food, and job security, and health insurance, and a sense of belonging, right?
And yet desire also can be a weight, an entanglement, and a cause of suffering.
So how do we deal with desire in our life? Especially because it's not just the desires we have for external things, but we can have that same unhealthy desire come into our spiritual practice as well.
Kabir, a great mystic, says, "Friend, please tell me what I can do about this world that I hold to and keep spinning around. I gave up sewn clothes and wore a robe. But one day I noticed the cloth was well-woven, so I bought some burlap. But I still throw it elegantly over my left shoulder. I pulled back my sexual longings and now I discover I'm angry a lot. I gave up rage and now I notice I'm greedy all day. I worked hard at dissolving the greed, and now I'm proud of myself."
What does it mean to work with desire and to ease both the grasping and the attachments inwardly, or to the views and opinions that we have?
The Buddha said that those who are strongly attached to their views go around the world annoying people. Truth of that is so apparent right now.
We live in an addicted society, where consumerism is focused on keeping you busy to take the edge off your challenging emotions, and keep you busy with your fixes so you don't actually notice the problems with racism, or with the environment and climate change, and warring nations and suffering refugees.
"Here, buy something. Drink something. Smoke something. Do do DO something. Distract yourself in some way."
We live in a society that keeps us from actually being present for the way things are.
The misunderstanding of desire and attachment seems to be how people think there are only two choices:
1) You either abandon it and release it
2) or you grasp it - which creates suffering
A big part of the spiritual talk you might here is about non-attachment and that we're supposed to give up desire.
But underneath the desire is really a longing.
And the longing can be for companionship, acceptance, security, love, adventure, feeling ALIVE
There is longing that is meaningful and healthy, and also that which hooks us, right?
In this episode, we explore how there is healthy attachment and unhealthy attachment, healthy desire and unhealthy desire.
The key lies in understanding desire and attachment.
This also means we become familiar with the absence of desire and attachment,
What we often find in its absence is love, stillness, attention, care, aliveness.
In Latin, the root of "desire" is desiderare, which means "away from your star."
Tara Brach pointed out that we can interpret that as “when there's a longing or desire, there's some perception that we are away from the source of what we are, what we long for and what we need.”
But we have the ability to fulfill our longing within us.
This desire + attachment?
We are ...being human.
Learning the art of living in this body with all its wants and needs and desires and longings.
Mary Oliver, in her poem Wild Geese, says, “Let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”
Often, as humans, our deepest longing is that of belonging.
And we can remember that we actually become what we're longing for when we allow it in a healthy way.
So remember: we train with not just the state of feeling desire and longing, but also the experience of what's happening when there is no craving or resisting
What we often find is that we have...enough.
In the episode you’ll learn:// The difference between healthy and unhealthy desire + attachment
// How to manage the guilt and shame that arise when working with desire
// How to begin understanding desire
// The life experiences available to us when attachment is absent
// What we are really longing for when we desire something
// Why we can still experience life to its fullest when we release attachment
// This episode was inspired by a training I received with Jack Kornfield and Tara Brach in their Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Training program.
// I’ve got a free training starting soon – How to Find Freedom When You’re Feeling Trapped
If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com and you’ll also receive notifications for the free training, as well as any future ones I do. The kit has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next chapter of your life the best one yet, join Freedom School. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more. Go to www.JoinFreedomSchool.com
Last week we talked about how important it was to be able to start to embody the person you need to be in order to create the future you want – you need to already think feel and act like that person who has already achieved the things in life you want to manifest. Whether that is a future of more kindness. More freedom. Most justice for all... no matter what you want to manifest, the principles are the same.
And like you may have heard me say before: the things we talk about here don’t pick sides. It's not like manifesting work and thought work is only effective for peace and love and funding non-profits.
Depending on what we choose to focus our energies on - our thoughts and feelings - we can also manifest negative things, things that don’t benefit the greater good or ourselves. Or we can be very selfish with what we use these things for.
So when we do work manifesting material things, I try to always remember why - what is the purpose of this? If it is because I think it will make me happy, I need to rethink this.
But if is it fun? Then YES
If it is a challenge? Then YES
Will it solve some problem so I can put my energy to more important things? YES.
And my favorite: Will creating this help me evolve?
Then HELL YES!
So we need to be very intentional with what we manifest. And because compassion and integrity are big values here at Rebel Buddhist, I think we also need to be mindful of how what we manifest impacts others - the world, the earth, people in other countries, future generations, our neighbors, other sentient beings.
It’s not abundance that creates evil or corrupts. I don’t believe that for a second. I know way too many amazing philanthropists and good that has come out of abundance.
Rather, it’s how we get there, and what we do with it, yeah?
So I want to teach you a very powerful tool that I use often, and with it comes some responsibility, so I want to ask that you please use it to go out there and make this world a better place - to help you live your purpose and make the most of this one precious life, and to have a ripple effect to inspire others and help the world be a more joyful and kind place where humans get back to what they were meant to do: enjoying the precious life.
This process is called the 4-Step Mini-Visualization.
Visualization is a very valuable technique. It’s when you go through a process or experience within your mind’s eye and it helps with planning and with taking actions and performance, which is why it’s used by many entrepreneurs and athletes as well
But don’t think it's just for what some would call “worldly goals.” As I mentioned last week, one of the first visualizations I was ever taught was with Lama Zopa Rinpoche, and he taught me to visualize myself as Shakyamuni Buddha and to picture myself as already enlightened, to feel my body as Shakyamuni Buddha’s, and to see myself acting with the utmost kindness and compassion and selflessness of a Buddha.
And it definitely helped me be more kind, compassionate, and selfless.
Visualization works in many contexts because we are BEING that which we wish to be - and that - as you learned in the last episode - is one of the keys to creating what you want in life.
This particular technique is meant to be relatively quick, and I use it when I have something happening relatively soon that I want to go a certain way - like an interview, or a program launch, or a meeting, a difficult conversation.
In this episode I’ll walk you through the 4 steps in detail so you can show up in a way that you’re proud of in any scenario – whether that’s confident, compassionate, calm, excited...whatever way you need to show up to impact the world in the way that you want.
Why do we even both with visualization?
Because if you can’t even visualize it, it can’t even happen.
But if you can imagine it, now it has the possibility of happening.
You’ve been there maybe, or a perhaps you’ve had a friend who’s been there - where we try to imagine a better outcome for something we’re super upset about and we think, “Oh wow...I can’t even imagine what that would be like.”
Well, exactly, and too bad because then it aint’ going to happen!
So the creation of a new reality begins with imagining it.
This goes for your next job.
Your next orgasm.
Your next vacation
Your next relationship
Your next meeting
And it can expand to your community - how you show up as a leader, mentor, an inspiration
The world we want to create - how do we go into that meeting and convince someone we need to prioritize black lives?
Cut back on carbon emissions?
Increase the number of BIPOC hired?
Give women equal pay, create a safer work environment?
Advocate for Universal Healthcare and a liveable minimum wage?
Can you see that it is ALL connected? How the principles or manifesting are universal?
I recommend you do this visualization a few times a day working up to the event, and FOR SURE do this right before it.
And FEEL those feelings in your bones. In every cell of your body.
See it as happening. As good as DONE!
If we want a better world, rebels, we need to be able to visualize it.
We need to visualize what it would look like - and HOW we show up in its creation, what our role is.
So, what is that going to be for you, rebel?
What’s that thing you’ve got coming up or looming over your head that you want to totally rock
How do you want to show up during that? What do you want to create?
And how will you be feeling as you create it?
FEEL THAT NOW.
Sure, we’re going to need to take courageous action. Massive action, in fact, to make all that happen as well.
But when we use these tools, we are way more likely to take effective action in creating the life we want. Which means we move closer to it each time.
Topics we cover in this episode:// what the hell visualization is in the first place
// why visualization works
// the exact steps of 4-Step Mini-Visualization Technique
// how to practice so you can show up in any situation in a way that you’re proud of
// the ethics of manifesting
Us humans tend to think that it is only when we finally achieve our goals or dreams that we can feel more confident and happier and experience more self-love...and more worthy. And not before.
But this is actually backwards...and I explain why in this episode.
What a lot of people miss is that in order to manifest that life you just visualized, you need to start BEING - thinking, feeling, ACTING as the person who already has manifested those things
And this is probably the most important part to actually manifesting that life you are dreaming of.
Many of us think we need to wait until we reach the goal to feel complete, to feel successful, to feel accomplished, confident, loved, worthy.
But the trick is that like attracts like - your energy will attract things to it that are similar. What makes up your energy are your thoughts, your beliefs...and your emotions and what you do/don’t do.
So if you’re stuck in lacking and needing and having a pity party and not allowing yourself to be happy until you achieve something...how do you think that energy is?
And what do you think it attracts? Probably a lot of scarcity thoughts, which lead to missed opportunities and distractions and worry and thinking about the past... and overall attracting more scarcity and less abundance.
Now you may think this is BS. A lot of people think, “Well, it’s easy to have that mindset when you have money and freedom and location independence! But I don’t have that.”
So in effect, people assume that people who have abundance already had it to some degree - inherited something, were born with unearned privilege like being white or being born into a wealthy family (which we know can be true - but it ain't the whole picture), married into it, won it. That it takes money to make money and it takes freedom to create freedom.
While there is some truth to that, it’s probably not in the way you are thinking, because it is more about your internal experience of abundance and freedom than what it looks like on the outside.
In this episode I go into detail about how mindset helped me to create a life of freedom, adventure and purpose, even though I came from a poor socioeconomic class, a dysfunctional family with severe mental illness and abuse, growing up in a violent neighborhood with bad schools, and didn’t have a trust fund to fall back on.
I hope it inspires you to see that anything is possible for you too.
In this episode you’ll learn:// How visualization can help you create the life you want
// Why it’s not just about having positive thoughts and being able to imagine an amazing life
// The three questions to ask yourself to start to BE the person who already has achieved everything you want to
// Why you don’t need to wait for external things to change before you start actively moving towards your goals
// The most important part of creating your ideal life
RESOURCES// Check out Episode 14 where we talk about How to Create New Beliefs
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
The other day someone had posted a comment on a FB post I made and she said, “Please unfriend me. We obviously have different beliefs.”
And this really stood out to me because I thought it was so...immature to not want to see differing opinions.
But it’s quite pervasive these days, right?
So I replied, “Actually, we aren’t friends on Facebook, but if we were you are always welcome to do so. But I want to invite you to consider that unfriending people just because they disagree with you might not be the best practice if you want to grow and learn as a human. I think there is a lost art of disagreeing, and when we are open to new ideas and people who think differently it allows us an opportunity to expand what we know.”
Suffice it to say there were crickets after that, but I’m so curious how many people out there would agree with me, and how many think we should just avoid contact with those who disagree with us.
So today I wanted to talk about how to disagree with someone, because I think that as a whole we sort of suck at it. Not just around politics or religion, but lifestyles and other personal choices as well.
Believe it or not, it is possible to still love someone who wildly disagrees with you.
You don’t have to get pissed off. You don’t have to hate them.
So why is it so hard?
What we often see instead is people having a really hard time even listening to different opinions... and an even harder time doing so without trying to change each other’s minds.
It’s easier to do this with smaller things like your favorite beach, favorite food, favorite multipitch alpine route, fave movie, saying “snow machine” vs “snowmobile.”
We’re able to have people disagree and still say, “Alright, I love you anyway...even though you’re totally wrong about that.”
But other things are much much harder, especially around politics or religion or other topics related to deep personal values.
And I’m sure you’ve been in this situation. I know I have before.
I want to encourage us all - when we find ourselves triggered and just want the other person to believe different things or to go away or just be quiet - I want us to ask ourselves, “Why is this causing us so much suffering? Why do we want them to just be silent?”
What would happen if instead we came from a place of curiosity?
Because spoiler alert: it’s not their opposing political opinion that’s upsetting you.
Your brain is the source of your suffering. Your thoughts about it.
Attachment to how things need to be in order to feel good.
Attachment to how the world “should” be.
Your thoughts about what someone else is saying are what’s upsetting you.
What they’re saying is completely neutral - a circumstance.
If you’re in Freedom School or the Rebel buddhist FB group and you’re doing thought work, you would put their opinion in your C line.
It’s completely neutral not because it doesn’t create a response in you or someone else - because clearly it does. It is completely neutral because it doesn’t upset you until you have a thought about it, until you decide you disagree with it. In itself, their opinion has no inherent quality of good or bad, right or wrong.
Now, can you disagree with someone - a colleague, a family member, a politician - and still love them?
Can you still hold space for their opinion?
Would you like to be able to do that?
Because what I‘ve seen is that by silencing them or ignoring them, we’re ultimately saying, “I don’t care what’s in your mind. I don’t care about your thoughts. I only care about mine and those of other people who think like me.”
And in my opinion, that doesn’t move us any closer to a better world.
Why is it so hard for us to be with someone who doesn’t share our same values and morals and ethics and thoughts?
Usually it’s because we think we’re right. Actually, it’s probably more accurate to say that we think we know we’re right.
But coaching has taught me a lot about holding this non-judgmental space.
Because when I am coaching someone, my opinion about what should or shouldn’t be done in the world is not for my clients. My opinions are for me.
My job is to help them see their mind and the thoughts they have and decide if they want those to change - if they find those current thoughts and beliefs aren’t serving them anymore - and to help them consider different ones that are going to help them show up in the world in a way that they’re proud of.
My job isn’t to force people to be mindful or compassionate or do loving kindness meditation or Tong Len or quit their job or leave the marriage.
No…
After all my years of coaching, I’ve heard it all. I’ve had high-end call girls as clients. Clients from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (I’ve been taught by them to say it the long way now..not LDS or Mormon…). I’ve had clients who are in a marriage with their high school sweetheart. Ones who are polyamorous and others who are swingers. I’ve had clients who’ve never done drugs, those who are working on stopping overdrinking and those that have cannabis farms.
Ultimately, they get to define their freedom, their life, how they want to show up. They get to discover that and change it if they want to.
It’s not for me to force what I think is right onto them. Or to be upset about it.
So I get to practice holding non-judgmental space a lot more than most people.
What I’ve learned is that when we get curious and hear someone out...when we understand WHY they believe what they do, all of a sudden they are human and not just an opinion.
This makes it easier to feel compassion and kindness for them and yes, love them.
Now to be clear, I’m not saying to NOT remove toxic people from your life - I’m saying let’s be a little curious about differing opinions.
I know we have the potential to do things differently. And I’m not saying I’m perfect about this. But I remind myself of it.
We sometimes think we have to hate to create change in the world. For some people that is the energy that drives them, and they’ll need to decide if that’s really the most helpful way to roll.
And on the opposite end of that spectrum we see people who think they just have to meditate on love and light to change the world.
As usual, there is a Middle Way.
I’m saying we can have differing opinions from someone. AND love them. AND take actions to change the world - from a place of love, not hate.
To love is not to condone. To hold space is not to approve. To listen is not to promote.
Now, it doesn’t mean you don’t say anything.
There have been plenty of times that I’ve spoken up when someone made a racist or sexist or homophobic comment. You can absolutely make requests.
Of course you speak up, Rebels. Of course you take action to create a more just world.
But you don’t have to suffer because of it.
You can speak up, take action to make this world a more just and free, and NOT suffer because of it.
We don’t need to react with hate. Hate feels horrible.
Topics in this episode:// What the phenomenon of “confirmation bias” is and how it practically ensures we will be wrong about things – and why it makes it that much more important to question our own opinions and values
// 2 helpful questions you can ask yourself and others when having a disagreement
// 5 tips for how to practice the Art of Disagreeing
// What to do when you still disagree – and do it like a Buddha
// The role of Curiosity
So I hope you give it a go, Rebels - this Art of Disagreeing.
The next time someone has a different opinion that you, let curiosity be the antidote to your angst.
Lean in, listen, and let’s try to truly see one another.
##Resources
// Check out these related episodes:
Episode 28: Practical Emptiness
For more on the Motivational Triad check out Episode 2: How to Not Care What Other People Think of You
// Sherry Turkle’s Ted Talk about social media’s impact on the art of conversation: "Connected But Alone" https://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_connected_but_alone
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
I have a special treat for you today - after the last few episodes, I have received a LOT of comments and questions about how to not care what other people think about you.
Another way I think of this is how to let people be wrong about you.
And did you know that my podcast episode on exactly this topic was the MOST popular one of 2020? It’s true!
I am one to follow signs that come my way - not signs that tell me about rule - no...as you know by now, I like to break rules that don’t make sense to me as long as they aren’t hurting anyone;) I’m talking about signs from the Universe that something is important.
So, today I wanted to encourage you to listen to this episode and take notes. And if you’ve already heard it, listen to it again
This episode is so important, because we waste so much time, money and energy on caring about what other people think. It keeps us from taking action we want to take, from stopping things we no longer want to do, letting go of things that no longer serve us.
Hell - caring about what other people think and not letting people be wrong about us keeps us from just LOVING ourselves and being happy about the miracles that we ARE.
Letting people be wrong about you is one of the most empowering things you can do for yourself. This month in Freedom School we’re also covering How to Get Shit Done, and what I’ve found is that when I don’t care what other people think, I am WAY more productive. You stop worrying about if something is perfect or obsessing about what so-and-so might think. You just DO the damn thing.
So you see, letting people be wrong about you is good on so many levels. Enjoy - may it be of benefit.
And if you want to dive more deeply into this topic and more like it, come learn with us in Freedom School. Enrollment is closed right now but will be opening soon - join the waitlist at JoinFreedomSchool.com and be the first to know when it does, alright?.
OK Rebels - have a listen and remember this quote by Dr Seuss: “The people that mind don’t matter and the people that matter don’t mind.”
Topics in this episode:- Why we seem to obsess over what other people think about us – how it holds us back
- How to let people be ‘wrong’ about you + learn to be OK with disappointing others
- How I learned to stop giving a flying hooha about other people's judgement – and how it freed me up to live the life of my dreams
- Why you MUST start doing you instead of what other people think is ‘right’, even when it’s hard and uncomfortable
- How you not caring what people think can inspire other
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
If creating the life you love includes drinking less in the New Year, Freedom School also gives you access to Drink Less, Feel Free, a 4-week program where you learn ways to free yourself from overdrinking. The tools here worked for me – and hundreds of others. You can also give it as a gift to someone you love that has repeatedly told you they wish they didn’t always overdrink. Life is too short to waste hungover or feeling guilty, right? Plus, saying you’ll do something and then not doing it screws with your self-confidence. This program is set up to give you the support and accountability you need.
We’ve heard stories of people that have taken prison sentences and transformed them into opportunities of spiritual development, or those who have taken extremely challenging life circumstances like tragic deaths and came out the other end, and people who don’t have the financial freedom to travel or not worry about paying the bills, but who feel joyous and free on the inside.
How is that possible?
While there are certainly many inalienable human rights that can help to define what freedom is, that’s not the freedom I’m talking about here, because I’m sure you can think of plenty of people that are privileged to have those rights, like people who travel freely, work freely, have freedom of speech and freedom to go to school, and yet they feel suffocated and stifled.
They might feel like like they will never know their true self, or live their true life.
They feel anything but free - even though on the outside it seems they are.
Some of the first things my clients say when I ask them “what does a life of freedom look like?” is that they want:
:: a location-independent lifestyle
:: to be their own boss
:: or have enough money to do what they want and not stress about finances.
But what’s interesting is in all my years of working with people to create more freedom in their lives, they are surprised when they finally achieve those things yet they still find themselves...wanting.
They feel anything but free, even though everything is lining up with what freedom looks like on the outside.
Here’s what I want you to consider: for the work we’re doing here on our minds, I’m talking about internal freedom. Emotional freedom.
And this Freedom – the kind of freedom no one can take away from you – is a feeling.
When it comes down to it, feeling free actually has very little to do with what the world looks like on the outside.
The reason why is those things my clients listed off that were a part of their perception of freedom are external freedoms. They are measured against us being able to DO/be something without involvement from others.
Now external freedom is important - especially when it comes down to the human rights that we are constantly fighting for, and then to the right you have to create the life you are meant to live. But those alone will not help you feel free.
There are different currencies of freedom.
While these are currencies of freedom, they are not to be confused with freedom itself.
Notice that these also have to do with the freedom TO do things.
To travel
To work from the beach
To buy what you want
To do what you want on your own timelines
There is a difference between freedom To and freedom FROM
And we often forget about freedom FROM
Freedom FROM never being happy.
Freedom FROM never being satisfied.
Freedom FROM insecurity and self-doubt and negative self-talk
Freedom FROM fear
So how do you get to this internal freedom? This emotional freedom?
True freedom is when YOU are able to fully accept you, be you, love you… and also accept things as they are.
It means you are also going to be willing to feel whatever feeling is arising - you are willing to feel any emotion.
Think about it - the reason we do anything is because of how we think it will make us feel - that it will help us feel better or to help us avoid feeling pain.
Often, we don’t take the action we want to because we are afraid of theoretical risks - usually of experiencing failure, or embarrassment, or humiliation.
These are all “just” emotions.
Yet we let the fear of feeling them keep us from honoring our truth, from creating the life we are meant to live
We are imprisoned by fear, by never feeling like it is “enough” - and consequently we don’t feel free.
If you want true freedom – deep freedom – it starts with going within.
It can be easy to get distracted by the external freedoms, and trying to shape your life into the perfect little scenario where you don’t have to rely on anyone, or answer to anyone.
But take it from someone with over 20 different certifications, 3 graduate degrees, 3+ places to live (read: run away to), and over a dozen ways I’ve learned to make money in case myriad things happen to the economy or political state so that I will always have my needs met: it doesn’t mean anything if you aren’t really free on the inside.
It only means that you stop wishing things were different, and get on with actively creating the world you want, while (and here’s the clincher) accepting and loving you and all the present moment has to offer.
Until you are able to pull that off, you won’t ever truly feel free, no matter how many beaches you take your laptop to for work, or how many Instagram photos you post about your travels. You’ll perhaps feel badass and very adventurous…but not deeply free.
In this episode you’ll learn::: Three ways to create TRUE freedom
:: Some of the most common misconceptions people have about freedom
:: Why it’s not just about being able to work from anywhere and having adventures (even though all those things are the bomb diggity!)
:: What the 5 currencies of freedom are
Resources:// For a limited time, click here to download my free 7-Day Clarity +Courage Course
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
If creating the life you love includes drinking less in the New Year, Freedom School also gives you access to Drink Less, Feel Free, a 4-week program where you learn ways to free yourself from overdrinking. The tools here worked for me – and hundreds of others. You can also give it as a gift to someone you love that has repeatedly told you they wish they didn’t always overdrink. Life is too short to waste hungover or feeling guilty, right? Plus, saying you’ll do something and then not doing it screws with your self-confidence. This program is set up to give you the support and accountability you need.
You know we’re all about Freedom here at the Rebel Buddhist – inside and out.
One of the things I’ve found that we can do to give us the most emotional freedom in the next year is to partake in the courageous act letting go of things that no longer serve us, and one of the most radical acts we can do to let go, one of the things we can do for ourselves that can truly help us feel more light and free...is forgiving.
So that’s what we’re talking about in this New Year’s Eve podcast episode: how to forgive.
I believe that the lack of forgiveness and the need for forgiveness are some of the biggest challenges many of us face.
One of the most powerful things I ever did was forgive my mom for abusing me as a child.
You see, I had a lot of anger about my childhood for many years. I was uber-pissed, and for objectively good reasons.
I won’t go into details, but you can imagine the myriad reasons people feel wounded and broken. Many of those things happened as I was growing up, but regarding my mother specifically, I was so angry that she hurt me physically and emotionally. I was resentful that I didn’t have a mom I felt safe with, and that I was this angry person walking around, blowing up at my boyfriends, feeling defensive, and easily losing my shit.
“What a bitch for making me so angry!” I’d think to myself.
And it was weighing me down.
It was also impacting my relationship with her...with her as an older, gentler, less angry woman who wanted to be close to me.
While I was angry and bitter, for a long time, in the end I knew that deep down, despite her mistakes, she was doing the best she could in the moment with what she had available to her.
So, as an adult, I had a choice to make:
1) I could keep reminding myself and my mom that things really sucked growing up and about how much she hurt me, and that I was all sensitive and defensive because of her, and that she really screwed up royally with some things.
Then she’d apologize and feel shitty about herself and I’d feel guilty and all upset after re-hashing all that crap. And we’d do this over and over, as I strived to get back at her for hurting me the way she did through guilt-trips and passive aggressive behavior and not-so-passive aggressive behavior…
OR – I could stop thinking that I was deeply wounded and broken, wanting to make those feelings go away until I allowed myself to move forward...wanting to “understand” everything and have it make sense – and have everyone else understand and agree that I was wounded – before I allowed myself to be happy…
I could stop all that and instead…
2) Say, “Well, that sucked. Royally. But now it’s time to create my new life.”
Needless to say, after years of the first, victim-mindset option and hanging out in therapy wondering why I was still having panic attacks, I decided to try #2.
And it changed everything.
I can’t completely describe the shift that happened when I stopped thinking that in order to heal, I had to wallow in the past until some magical moment when things would feel right.
I realized that insight and understanding don’t fix everything. They feel good, sure. They’re useful, sure.
But what created a real shift for me was changing what I DID. How I thought, how I responded, the situations I created. How I FELT.
It was ACTION that allowed me to grow and change…and ultimately, heal.
It was me taking ACTION that allowed me to see myself as whole, and perfectly resourceful and creative. That I was indeed perfect as I was. Not broken. Not wounded to the core. Not in need of more therapy or days of crying to feel seen.
And the most courageous action I took was to forgive.
Of course, I found therapy helpful for some things, especially learning how to notice what I was feeling, and being able to share my story with someone who wasn’t going to try to explain it away or justify things.
It helped me make sense of certain memories and I felt incredibly safe sharing deeply with someone that seemed “qualified” for me to lose my shit in front of.
But in hindsight, which is always lovely, I realize that maybe I just needed one round of that.
Then I needed to get off my ass and do things differently.
I needed to create a different relationship with my mom, or walk away. The latter wasn’t an option for me, because I do love her deeply.
So one day I said, “I’d like to talk.” And I asked her for what I needed to hear in order to be able to forgive her. I asked her to please try to say she was sorry, to acknowledge all the ways in which she had hurt me.
I asked that she reflect on it and come back to me if and when she felt she could say it with full sincerity.
Now, I was lucky, because eventually, she did. She told me how she didn't know better, how she was one of 11 children and how her mom didn’t bother to explain anything or try to be patient - that she just hit them when they didn’t behave.
She’d seen the next generation raising their kids and how they took parenting classes and anger management classes and how she wishes she had been able to do those things.
Her apology was also imperfectly full of excuses...but it was sincere. I could tell.
And this made forgiving her more easy. But I also want to emphasize here that we can still forgive without the other person saying they are sorry. Because I know that it’s sort of the dream scenario here - one where the villain says opps, I messed up. Sorry. I’ll never do it again - and they don’t.
Sure, it made it easier that my mom apologized.
… but it’s really important to remember that the other person’s remorse is not requisite to us forgiving and feeling more free.
Because ultimately the only person who suffers from holding onto resentment and anger is ourselves, and it is our wish that the past was different than what it was that keeps us from forgiving - not waiting for the other person’s remorse.
I know this, because years later my mom - that very same one that I had those transformative years with - denied that she abused me.
I reverted back to my old anger and resentment. I felt heavy again. Trapped in my own emotional prison.
Definitely NOT free.
Many years would pass before I learned to forgive without her apology, without her acknowledgement that she had hurt me so.
In fact, I wasn’t able to do it until after she had died.
I wish I was evolved enough to have processed it all before she died, but a Buddha I am not, and it took a minute.
Ultimately, I realized I had to let go of wishing the past was different than it was. And I had to let go of wanting her to feel remorse.
And this is the case with all things we don’t feel ready to forgive - it's because we wish the past was different than it was, and aren’t ready to let go of that....
You see, I think a lot of people have had a big misunderstanding of what forgiveness is, myself included.
I think when most of us think about forgiveness, we think what it means is accepting someone's apology or having a conversation with someone that tells them that what they did or didn't do was OK.
But that’s not what forgiveness is.
If you look up the definition of the word “forgive,” it's a verb that means “to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or a mistake.”
It's not telling the person anything. It's not sitting down with the other person. It's not talking to the other person. It has nothing to do with the other person doing, saying, or feeling anything.
The only thing forgiveness requires is that you stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone.
At this point in the game, if you’ve been listening to my podcast for awhile now, you’ll know that the secret sauce to changing a feel in a lasting way is to change your thoughts. Today we’ll dive into exactly how to do that so you can forgive, once and for all, and set yourself free.
In this episode you’ll learn::: Why forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person being sorry or feeling any remorse
:: Some of the biggest misconceptions people have about forgiveness
:: How to decide when you should forgive someone
:: How our “enemies” can be our greatest teachers
Resources:// In this episode I discuss “The Manual” and how it sabotages relationships. Learn more about it in this episode here, How to Improve Any Relationship
// Did you miss our on the New Year reflections episodes? Download the gorgeous REVIEW, REFLECT + ALIGN workbook by clicking here.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
If creating the life you love includes drinking less in the New Year, Freedom School also gives you access to Drink Less, Feel Free, a 4-week program where you learn ways to free yourself from overdrinking. The tools here worked for me – and hundreds of others. You can also give it as a gift to someone you love that has repeatedly told you they wish they didn’t always overdrink. Life is too short to waste hungover or feeling guilty, right? Plus, saying you’ll do something and then not doing it screws with your self-confidence. This program is set up to give you the support and accountability you need.
In last week’s episode I mentioned that I call the process of reflecting on the past year and creating intentions for the new one REVIEW, REFLECT + ALIGN.
Today we dive into the alignment part, because when we are in alignment, if feels damn good.
When we are happy, what’s often going on is that our outside world is in alignment with our inside world
There is consistency, integrity, with what we value and how we are living our lives
So when we think about what we want to create in the next year, it’s important to first get clear about what our core values are.
The quintessential self-compassion question I often ask you to ask yourself in difficult times is, “What do I need?”
But we really can’t fully answer that question unless we also know what we value most. What we want.
So some of you might ask: Wait - what's the difference between goals and core values?
First, goals can be achieved; whereas core values guide us towards and after achieving our goals.
Goals are destinations; core values are directions.
Goals are something we “do”; values are something we “are.”
Goals are set by us; core values are discovered. We discover them as we have life experiences and notice, "Oh that - that is important to me."
Some examples of core values are:
:: Compassion
:: Generosity
:: Honesty
:: Loyalty
:: Courage
And you may notice that what first comes to mind when we think of core values is having to do with how we treat others, but many also have to do with meeting personal needs that are deeply important to us... but may not be so important to others.
Some examples of personal core values are:
:: Adventure
:: Freedom
:: Personal growth
:: Creativity
:: Peace/tranquility
:: Exploration
: Nature
In this episode I guide you through an activity that helps you get clear about your core values, and how to live a life that is more aligned with who you are and how you want to show up in the world.
I also teach you how to get back on track then you’ve strayed away from how you want to show up in the world.
And you know that whole Word of the Year thing you may have heard about? This is a method to help you figure out what yours is.
Once we’ve gotten clear about our core values, and once we’ve reflected and learned from the past...
NOW we are ready and ripe to create our intentions for the new year in a way that is truly ALIGNED with who we are and the life we want to create.
When you go through this process, you don’t waste time, money and energy on goals that don’t serve your highest purpose.
It can help you avoid focusing on things that you’ll end up realizing - way later - that they weren’t what you really wanted or needed.
Whatever your value is that you want to devote yourself to, that can guide you.
And when you commit to this - devote yourself to this - making it happen is as Good. As. done.
In this episode you’ll learn::: What alignment has to do with you feeling like sh*t
:: Why you MUST know what you want to live an aligned life
:: How to discover what your core values are
:: How to identify and overcome obstacles to living the life we are meant to live
:: The point of doing the whole "Word of the Year" thing - and how to fidn your OWN!
Resources:// Download the gorgeous REVIEW, REFLECT + ALIGN workbook by clicking here.
// Is your word of the year Adventure? Have a listen to Episode 31 here.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
If creating the life you love includes drinking less in the New Year, Freedom School also gives you access to Drink Less, Feel Free, a 4-week program where you learn ways to free yourself from overdrinking. The tools here worked for me – and hundreds of others. You can also give it as a gift to someone you love that has repeatedly told you they wish they didn’t always overdrink. Life is too short to waste hungover or feeling guilty, right? Plus, saying you’ll do something and then not doing it screws with your self-confidence. This program is set up to give you the support and accountability you need.
Ever have a New Year resolution you didn’t follow-through on? You’re not alone! “Resolutions” seem to resonate less and less with how people want to enter into the New Year. After all, more resolutions are broken than kept, and that doesn’t feel like a way to enter the New Year with integrity.
With traditional resolutions, people often find themselves stuck in the same place year after year – even with having the best of intentions and setting achievable goals that seem totally doable. Goals they really, really want! Some have been wanting them for decades!
Many of us stay stuck and don’t manifest our resolutions because there isn’t also a reflection of the dominant thoughts we’ve been having. Thoughts are the things that truly shape how we feel, what we do or don’t do, and what we create in our lives - the results we get. The reality we experience. So it’s time to make that reflection a part of our New Year review and get unstuck.
Create a new experience for the New Year.
Here we review the process I use each New Year transition called Review, Reflect + Align. It’s what we’re focusing on in Freedom School right now. All month. In this episode we will talk about the Review + Reflect components that can help you step into your inner wisdom, your true compass, your desires, and your heart-centered visions for your life with the most astute observation, integrity, wisdom, generosity and compassion that you can muster.
In this episode you’ll learn::: Why most resolutions fail – and how to avoid those mistakes
:: The EXACT questions I ask myself every year to make sure the next one is a success
:: How to use mindfulness while creating your resolutions
:: How to make the most of the challenges 2020 gave us
:: The difference between goals and intentions and why it matters
:: How to create a NEW kind of resolution
:: The importance of knowing what you WANT vs what you think you “should” do
:: and of course...more!
Resources:// Download the gorgeous A Year in Review worksheet by clicking here.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// If you’re interested in a really awesome way to make the next year your best one yet, join Freedom School. It will set you up to live the best version of you in the year to come. This is an amazing group of rebel women committed to creating lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. You can even gift a Freedom School membership to someone that you know could use the boost and come together! You’ll dive into getting clear about: what you want, how to clear your life of the things you don’t, skills for living an authentic life so you are out there being YOU and not what other people want you to be, and more.
If creating the life you love includes drinking less in the New Year, Freedom School also gives you access to Drink Less, Feel Free, a 4-week program where you learn ways to free yourself from overdrinking. The tools here worked for me – and hundreds of others. You can also give it as a gift to someone you love that has repeatedly told you they wish they didn’t always overdrink. Life is too short to waste hungover or feeling guilty, right? Plus, saying you’ll do something and then not doing it screws with your self-confidence. This program is set up to give you the support and accountability you need.
Today, we talk about adventure and being devoted to it.
Adventure is essential to our evolution.
When I was a child, I would get soooo bored. I was an only child in a poor neighborhood that had so much gun violence I wasn’t even allowed to play in the front of the house because of all the drive by shootings...let alone walk to a friend’s house.
I made a promise to myself that when I grew up, I would never—ever—feel bored again.
While this promise ended up creating a full-blown addiction to adventure, what I didn’t expect was that adventure also helped me along my spiritual path in surprising ways.
Adventure is a very personal word, and my definition of adventure doesn’t have to be yours.
You can feel adventure when climbing a mountain; you can feel it overcoming a physical challenge like a marathon, or experiencing an illness like cancer; you can feel it when you risk your heart to be with your soul mate. I even feel adventure when I go to a new city, check out a new restaurant, try a new yoga pose, or learn a new skill. Or, more recently, move to a new state.
Good ol’ Merriam Webster defines adventure as:
1: an undertaking usually involving danger and unknown risks
2: an exciting or remarkable experience
Adventure often involves risk – but not necessarily danger. It can be very self-limiting to confuse the two.
The main take-home is that adventure includes an element of something out of the ordinary.
Definitely not routine.
Definitely not boring.
So why exactly is adventure – and the risks we take with adventures – important to our evolution?
When things get too familiar or routine, our minds grow dull, and the negative thought patterns and limiting beliefs that we all have are harder to break.
Things feel more permanent and real. We think we have “proof” that they are permanent and real because nothing seems to be changing.
But this isn’t true.
They only appear to not be changing because to be efficient, our brains prefer to travel down the same neural pathways and do things the same way they’ve always been done.
Therefore, we do the same thing, and we get the same results.
Nothing changes.
Then we say, “See! That’s how things really are!”
When we think things are static, that’s when we think we don’t have a choice. That’s when we suffer and get stuck. That’s when we give up.
It becomes the Same. Old. Sh*t. Every day.
Adventure helps us get unstuck. And it is essential to your evolution.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- What being DEVOTED to adventure looks like
- How adventure changes our brain
- How to live an adventurous life on your own terms
- Things you can do to bring adventure into your life every day
// For the geeks, you can check out the 2011 study by Ben Fletcher here.
// If you’re new to the squad, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
Self-image, at its core, is the way you see yourself. By “see” I mean how you interpret and think about yourself – not just the factual way you see yourself but also the opinion that you have of yourself.
An important concept to understand is that self-image is totally subjective. It is totally up to YOU. Your opinion about yourself. It isn’t factual.
We spend a lot of time being concerned about what other people think of us. We spend way more time trying to control or manage what other people think instead of how we see ourselves. And of course, it’s impossible to control how others think of us.
But still, we worry about what we wear, what we drive, the house we live in, how good we are at ZOOM homeschooling during a pandemic...and we do all this concerned about how we measure up in other people’s minds, often without realizing that that's what we're doing.
Doing the work to change this could really blow your mind and change your life.
Maybe you don’t know how to access your own opinion in the way you thought you did. Maybe you don’t know how to identify your needs because you’ve been so deeply socialized into people-pleasing.
So, to really think about what bothers you and why, what your preferences are and what you have an aversion to, what feels the best in your body and for your body...asking yourself those questions can yield truly magical results.
In practice, this isn’t easy – so many of us are so obsessed with what other people think about us that we don't even want to look at it.
In this episode, I offer up some exercises you can do to trick your brain into not rejecting the idea that you care what other people think about you but to sit with it. It starts by asking yourself: “What is my dream of how others see me? If I could really dictate everyone’s opinion of me, what would it be?”
I push you to go to those best-case scenarios so that you can unearth the true “why” behind your desire to be seen in such a way.
What is it you think will help you arrive at worthiness?
Now, there is a huge difference between having a positive and healthy self-image and being narcissistic.
When you are a narcissist, you think highly of yourself and look down on other people. That is not what I'm encouraging here.
When you have a healthy self-image, you think, “I'm already 100% worthy and ovable. Yes I am a miracle, and so are you.”
From this place, worthiness doesn't come from being better than someone else. Instead, worthiness comes from authentically being you. Not from other people’s opinions, but from being who you are.
In my own life, I’ve noticed that the more I love myself, the more I can give to others, to the world. The more I can love others
That’s what I wish for you.
To know that you’re capable of achieving your dreams, and that you are worthy and lovable by just being YOU, not by what someone else decides or what you think of yourself.
A healthy self-image knows that you're perfectly imperfect and that you don’t need to be perfect
And the bonus is that you get to see yourself in the way that you most want others to see you. You don’t have to change anything about you. Not your clothes, your weight, your car, or your job.
You can just do YOU. Exactly as you are.
Remember that you are miracle. See what happens if you walked the world believing that you are a miracle, totally worthy.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- Why we spend so much time trying to manage how other people see us
- How getting to know yourself – your needs, your desires, your preferences – can blow your actual mind
- The stark difference between a positive self-image and narcissism – and why we want to steer clear of the latter
- Why loving yourself actually helps you show up for others and contribute to the world in a more real way – and how I realized this in my own life
- A couple of exercises for developing a stronger self-image – and facing why you care so much about what other people think
- Why having a healthy self-image doesn’t mean you have to be perfect – and that knowing you are worthy by design is one of the most powerful ways you can be in the world
// Check out Episode 11 for more on How to Stop People Pleasing!
// If you’re new here, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
This episode is all about the most common ways I see people misuse thought work and mindfulness.
When I coach people on how to self-coach, I get so many clients who are confused about the difference between a) changing your life, b) changing your feelings about your life, c) truly processing your emotions from those original circumstances, even if you’ve already changed them.
That last one so important.Because usually, when we try to change the external world and circumstances without first understanding our current thoughts and allowing the hard feelings about it, we end up carrying the unprocessed emotion from that circumstance with us to the next one.
So we have the same thoughts, same emotions and therefore the same actions...and even though they might be happening in a different circumstance, because we didn't change them, we create the Same. Damn. Result.
If you're carrying the same thoughts and feelings into a new circumstance, you’re going to show up very differently than you would if you were showing up having already processed those emotions, right?
So that often leads us to wonder:
Should I change my life, or change my thoughts and feelings?
Should I stay, or should I go?
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- What the top two mistakes are that people make when trying to use the Model to either change their feelings or change their circumstances
- The importance of processing unresolved emotions before moving onto the next thing in your life
- Why our brain can hold us back from reaching our highest potential – and how to do the hard thought work necessary to change this
- How to get your power back and trust in yourself to make the decisions that are best for you, in any situation
// If you’re feeling like you need to back up and learn more about what the Model is and how to use it before you can really take in what this episode offers, check out Episode 18 – it’s all about how to coach yourself using applied mindfulness.
// Want more help making decisions? Check out Episode 25 on Decision Clutter.
// If you’re new here, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
Circumstances are neutral.
Another way of saying this? Things are empty of inherent qualities.
Today, we’re digging into what a practical application of emptiness looks like in our everyday lives.
This concept is really revolutionary in my book. So many buddhist conceptions are (even though they’re often seen as these quiet, calm, benign principles).
In Buddha’s time, it was (and still is) revolutionary to accept that suffering comes from our own minds and not something outside of us.
In our times, following these principles is truly rebellious. Because most of the world thinks that suffering comes from shitty situations, bad circumstances, mean people. Most of the world believes circumstances are not neutral.
As rebel Buddhists, we know that learning to free our minds is the most rebellious act we can do in our lifetime. And being willing to explore our own paths, to find out what is true for ourselves – that is a key part of freeing our minds.
The simple truth?In the same way that our thoughts about our emotions are what creates our suffering, it is our thoughts about our circumstances, and our arguments against them, that affect us the most.
How we choose to think about a particular event or circumstance or statistic is what causes us to feel a certain way, not the thing in and of itself.
The event itself is empty of inherent qualities, not empty of facts.
This can be a tough concept to grasp, and I work through the important nuances using specific, real-world examples in the episode.
But the key is this: our attachment to the way we want things to be, instead of how they are, is what makes us suffer.
No matter how horrific your past, no matter how horrible the event, no matter how awful someone treats you, the only thing that ever causes us emotional pain is our thinking about it.
This realization is very empowering.Because you are the one that gets to decide what things mean. You are the one that gets to decide how you're going to feel about your circumstances.
Accepting the things we cannot change is one of the most powerful things we can do. It seems almost paradoxical to think of acceptance as a powerful action, but it is.
Many of my newer clients also believe that if they accept reality, that they lose all their power to ever change it.
But the opposite is true. Give the episode a listen to find out why.
And remember: there is a huge difference between accepting and condoning.
All this is not to say that racism does not exist. Or that patriarchy does not exist and that oppression does not exist. Those are facts.
Accepting the way things are does not mean we agree with them or condone them. It just means we're not trying to change something by pushing hard against it. We are choosing not to go to battle with reality.
I invite you to sit with this.There is so much freedom when we release resistance against what our circumstances are in the moment.
We can act from a place of peace and fierce love and still move towards change.
It’s very normal to need to move through the fight phase when you’ve been overly passive. But I urge you to see how much this is sucking your energy, to recognize how much more lovely it is when you can trust in your Ziji, your radiant inner confidence, to have your own back.
If you understand that everything that happens in the world is neutral and that your interpretation is what defines your experience, you will also start to see that you are so much more powerful than you could have ever imagined.
You get to decide how you will use each situation in life to either serve your life and your higher purpose, or take energy away from it.
So hear this, rebel: freedom from the fight in our minds is where we must begin if we want freedom in the world.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- What I mean by “circumstances are neutral” and how to apply this practically to your life
- Why accepting that things themselves are empty of inherent qualities is a revolutionary and rebellious act
- How to understand the nuances of these fundamental Buddhist concepts in a contemporary context
- Why I think learning to free our minds is the most rebellious act we can do in our lifetime
- A few real-world examples that can help you understand where emotional management comes into play with this work
- Why what you think about your circumstances can determine the trajectory of your entire life
// Seeing circumstances as neutral is not all about checking out and being disconnected and indifferent. Check out Episode 19 On Anger.
// If you’re new here, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
I’m going to let you in on a golden nugget of truth that maybe you’ve never heard before: feelings are optional.
Yup, you read that right.
The ability to feel a full spectrum of contrasted, complex emotions are an inherent and integral part of the human experience – it’s what makes our species who (and what) we are.
But we do not have to be at the whim of some emotional rollercoaster. Feelings don’t happen to us. We get to choose how to feel.
Try to wrap your head around this.The most fundamental truth of my work revolves around this teaching: Our thoughts create our feelings, which influence our actions and the results we create in our lives.
Today, we’re digging into why our emotions are not actually caused by external factors, but by our own thinking – and how to work this to our advantage.
So here’s the thing: when we stop feeling bad about feeling bad, we feel better.
This does not mean that you should try to choose to feel great all the time. There is a huge difference when you decide that feeling sad is what you want to feel, versus believing that an emotion is not within your control.
If you feel like your anxiety, frustration, sadness, grief, or pain is caused by the external world (which you’re unable to control), you will be tempted to buffer – to escape what you’re feeling.
You will be tempted to avoid your emotion because you think there is nothing you can do about it.
But that’s not true.Because the world doesn’t cause you to feel what you feel, your thoughts do – and only you are in control of your thinking.
By and large, our inability to manage our emotions is the root cause of our suffering – so we need to learn how to do that better.
But it’s a process.
Step one is developing an awareness of our emotions. Step two is being willing to feel any emotion, for as long as it takes. And step three is where we’re at – learning how to change our thoughts about our emotions.
It all starts by asking yourself: What are the feelings that I want to experience in the world? What emotions do I want to be able to feel in order to have the full human experience?
If we don’t consciously reflect on this, we get into what I call ‘feeling habits’.
We get stuck in a pattern of experiencing only a small repertoire of feelings and begin to think that they are part of us – our temperament, who we are – and we close off to new and different feelings.
But when we really understand why we’re feeling the way we do, what we’re thinking and what’s causing it, then we can start to understand that these habits we have include feeling.
So I invite you to start paying attention to your thinking.Decide what you’re going to feel on purpose and deliberately change your thoughts to eliminate the feelings that aren’t serving you.
Not just to feel better. Choose emotions that will help you evolve.
Because to be willing to add new emotions to our repertoires, we need to:
:: Allow unwanted feelings in order to release resistance
:: Eliminate the indulgent feelings
We have to earn the ability to change our emotions. Only then can we experience new emotions and practice including them in our lives in ways that will actively help us create our dreams.
And rebel, you – and you alone – get to decide what that looks like.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- How to gain control over your thoughts instead of rejecting and resisting your emotions
- Why the external world doesn’t cause us to feel what we feel – our thoughts about our circumstances do
- How to stop compounding your thoughts and emotions
- An exercise you can do to figure out which emotions you want to keep in your back pocket, and which you want to let go of
- How to break your “feeling habits”
- Why, if you want to feel better, one of the best ways to start is to accept that not feeling good all the time is part of being human
// For more on why saying “I don’t know” is a huge energy suck, check out Episode 25 on Clearing Out Decision Clutter.
// If you’re new here, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
Humans go through life thinking that feelings happen TO us. We think, “Ugh I am so stressed out, I wish it would stop!” Oftentimes, we act so confused about where it is coming from.
Or we say, “OMG I am so irritable today.”
Or in a funk.
Or anxious.
Or sad...maybe there’s some grieving going on.
We feel powerless a lot of the time. Like our emotions can just take over and make us victims of a bad mood.
The antidote?Really learning about feelings and how they work; making a concerted effort to learn how to manage our emotions instead of letting them control us.
We all think we know what feelings are, but we often struggle when it comes to labeling what we’re feeling, or naming why we are feeling different emotions – and what the hell we want to DO with those feelings.
Do we actually let ourselves feel them?
Resist them? Or avoid them?
React to them?
Here’s the thing:Feelings are part of the human experience, not an aberration. We are supposed to feel different feelings all the time.
What we often miss is that it is also totally normal to have a contrast of positive and negative feelings.
Truth is, you need the dark to see the light; you need the contrast. They can’t exist without one another.
We wouldn’t be able to distinguish joy without sadness.
Energy without fatigue.
In spite of this, most of us are under the assumption that life “should” be better than it is.
We desperately want there to be more good in the world than bad.
But what we don’t realize is that this one belief has caused more pain and violence than has ever been necessary.
In today’s episode, we dig into why accepting the first noble truth of Buddhism – that suffering exists, that it’s part of being a human – will enable us to take an actual step towards freedom.
I introduce you to a new way of looking at the world, which might change the way you think, feel, and ultimately, the results you create in your life.
So, I invite you to hear this, to let it sit with you::: Get to know the shadow side of your life – work to understand it, not hide from it, resist it, or pretend it’s not there.
:: Change your internalized narrative that you should be happy all the time, and that negative emotions are something to eradicate. Embrace the necessary balance that contrast offers.
:: Stop trying to escape reality – redirect the energy you spend buffering (overdrinking, gambling, overworking...etc) toward learning to manage your emotions, the highest ones and the lowest.
When you do this, your power to effect change in the world increases exponentially.
Because this gift of feeling the range of emotions – it’s part of our journey in this life, in this body, on this planet, in this community we are in.
And remember: whatever is happening right now – it won’t last. That's the nature of things. Change. Impermanence.
Something wonderful will happen. Then something hard. Then something awe-inspiring. Then something heartbreaking.
My friends, welcome to humaneness.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- Why the human experience is a balance of positive and negative emotions
- That we have the ability to create, allow, or resist emotion – and why this matters big time
- What the 4 Noble Truths of Buddhism are, and why learning to accept these truths is an immensely courageous act
- Why the Brooke quote “Discomfort is the price of your dreams” hits so close to home for me, and (after listening) hopefully it will for you too
- How to start choosing your emotions – and some tips on cultivating true self awareness
- Why being 100% happy and positive all the time is NOT the end goal – and what it takes to be fully present for this beautiful messiness that is the human experience
// Check out Episode 24 on How to Feel ANY Emotion
// If you’re new here, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
In case nobody ever told you: life is about making choices.
The ability to choose is an incredible power that we humans have, but it takes some serious skill to be able to use it wisely.
Research shows that the average person makes roughly 35,000 remotely conscious choices per day. Assuming that most people spend around seven hours a day sleeping, and therefore choice-free (depending on the type of dreamer you are), that means we make about 2,000 decisions per hour...or one decision every two seconds.
Decisions free up our energy; they make us live a more conscious life.But here’s the thing: as your level of responsibility in life increases, so does the range of choices you’re faced with.
Each choice carries certain consequences – both good and bad. All these decisions wear us out and zap our energy, leading to decision fatigue.
Much in the same way that consumer debt (or clutter from all the things we don’t let go of) can leave us feeling spent, we often feel tired, stressed, and anxious when we have a bunch of decisions looming over us.
We form this ongoing to-do list in the back of our minds of stuff we need to “clean up” but are trying to ignore (like the pile of clothes on the floor or that stack of college books we think we’ll read again).
But when you make a decision in your life, it moves you forward. Saying “I’m going to do this thing,” or even “I’m not going to do this thing,” moves you in a new direction either way.
What happens when we don’t make decisions, when we put them off and procrastinate?When you’re living in this state of “I’m going to think about it” or “I don’t know” or “Not yet” or “Maybe” or “I’m confused”, you have an unfinished decision hanging in the back of your mind, sneakily draining your energy and robbing you of forward momentum.
When we make a decision, we can then harness our energy and focus it on the actions we need to take in order to create the result of that decision.
Making a move, changing jobs, leaving a toxic relationship.
But when we think about making all those decisions, we are afraid we’ll screw up.
We choose instead to stay uncomfortable in the way we are because at least we know what it IS – no risk; maybe it’s shitty, but at least we know what kind of shitty.
Here’s the hard medicine, though: not making the decision because you’re afraid it’s the wrong one is like failing ahead of time.
When you don’t make the decision, you don’t have to risk being uncomfortable.
Instead, you perpetuate a kind of holding pattern: the idea that you’re doing something by waiting to decide, when really all you’re doing is procrastinating.
So, I want you to think about what your own decision clutter is costing you.You need to ask yourself:
:: What do I want to use my brain energy FOR?
:: If I have a limited amount of energy, what do I want to spend it on?
:: What is the decision I am making, and why am I making it?
You have to make a decision in order to find out what you want. Because the suffering comes when we question our decisions, and when we don’t know what we want.
So many of us aren’t deciding to live the biggest version of our lives because we’re putting ourselves on hold with our own indecision. Today, I challenge you: decide to want what is, or decide to change.
Either way, remember this: you are able to have an amazing life. You can be happy. Whatever decision you make is the right decision for that moment.
When you really believe that, then which choices will you make?
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- Why I am a big proponent of making decisions ahead of time
- What happens when we don’t make decisions, when we put them off and procrastinate
- Why most people spend their lives on autopilot – living by letting life happen to them, instead of intentionally deciding what they want and going after it
- What “re-deciding” is and why it can help you create the life you want, or take more ownership of the one you have
- Why our internalized belief systems about making the ‘wrong’ and ‘right’ decisions keep us stuck in fear rather than seeking what will really serve us
- An exercise on how to pinpoint how much brain energy is being taken up by waffling back and forth between your decisions
- Why, if you have a hard time making decisions, you probably also have a lot of clutter somewhere – because getting rid of clutter means you need to make decisions about what to keep, and what to let go of
// Click here to check out a Rebel Buddhist podcast on how to make decisions
// If you’re new here, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
The Buddha taught that, to be free, we need to investigate every part of our human experience with an intimate and mindful attention. This includes emotions.
Emotions aren’t “bad” in and of themselves.
It’s what we do when we feel them – the thoughts that ensue, the actions we take as a result – not the emotion itself, that often causes our suffering.
Practicing a mindfulness of emotions helps us to learn about ourselves and our mind. It helps us not get hooked by a difficult feeling, or the buffers we turn to – like overdrinking, overworking, over-Netflixing...etc – to keep from feeling it.
When we can be mindful of our emotions, we can be less reactiveAnd that is when we have true freedom – the freedom to choose how we want to respond, instead of slipping into our default mode.
For many people, the idea of being with an emotion can seem daunting.
Mindfulness enables us to take advantage of what Tara Bennett-Goleman calls “the magic quarter-second” – the space between an impulse and an action.
By being present with an emotion instead of indulging in the stream of thoughts that stems from the emotion, we can use this magic 1/4 second to create a different response than we normally would.
We can stop the spiral of thoughts that might exacerbate an emotion by simply being present with the emotion itself.
So how do we practice mindfulness of emotions?The first step is pausing to recognize that we are experiencing an emotion.
The second step is choosing to be present with our moment-to-moment experience.
We need to recognize the emotions with an accepting, curious and kind attention, without getting hooked; without attachment or aversion.
The result of this presence becomes the capacity to release habitual reactivity, to respond to our life circumstances more skillfully, with a wise heart, and to step out of the looping thought patterns we fall into when we get hooked.
Because the thoughts are what create the drama, what keeps the emotion hanging around longer than it needs to, what keeps us stuck and spiraling.
Why is this importantEmotions occupy a lot of our energy and mind space. And the truth is, our feelings show up in our body – whether we are aware of this connection or not.
I see so many patients that have physical manifestations of their psychological and emotional experiences; people whose deep trauma has led directly to any number of illnesses or diseases.
Doing the work to be present with your emotions now can help you get to know your body and better manage your daily stressors so that you may be able to avoid other serious health issues down the road.
In reality, it takes a strong dose of courage to really be with your emotions. This work is not for the faint of heart, but you can do this
Remember: the point is not to get rid of feelings, or to have some notion of the “right” feelings.
Some people think equanimity means not feeling any emotion. But emotions are an amazing part of being human!
We get to feel joy and feel horny, happy, connection and joy.
We get to feel sadness and grief, anger and jealousy.
ALL the feels.
In this episode, I offer exercises for beginning to live in a more conscious relation to your myriad feelings, and give some tools for how to do this with loving self-awareness.
So I invite you to join me.
Learn to let your emotions season you, not rule you. Because when we can be with any emotion, we are truly free.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:
- What the four foundations of mindfulness are
- Why learning to be with your emotions will help you avoid unwanted habitual reactions – like yelling at a loved one, worrying too much, or buffering
- How to break painful patterns of thought-looping and anxiety spiraling by taking advantage of the “magic quarter-second”
- Why describing how the sensations of a feeling appear physically in your body is one step you can take to be more present with your emotions
- Tools on how to pause and recognize whether an emotion you are experiencing is either pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral – and why doing this reflexively will help you stay unhooked from judgment, attachment or aversion to your ranging feelings
- Why true freedom requires the ability to be with ANY emotion
// If you’re new here, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
Humans have a great capacity for communication.
Yes, animals can communicate in other ways with unique sounds (probably telepathic ways we aren’t able to tune into...), but because of our cerebral cortex, we are capable of communicating complex plans about the future, stories about the past, and lots of amazing, abstract ideas.
It’s a real evolutionary gift.
But this level of communication can also get us into a lot of trouble. We can really hurt people, or act in ways that aren’t in alignment with how we want to show up in the world – especially when we're not being mindful.
When we talk about mindfulness, we tend to talk about a sense of awareness, both of ourselves and our surroundings.
Mindfulness meditation, in particular, is geared towards observing our thoughts and where we are in the present moment.
But what about the other aspects of ourselves?What about speech? What about listening?
Words are powerful, and being mindful about what we express is as vital as paying attention to how we behave or how we think.
Today, we dig into what mindful communication (as both speaking AND listening) looks like, and I offer some tools and exercises that you can try in real time to start figuring out what this means for YOU.
True – this work is a lot easier said than done. So we talk about some practical tips that can help us communicate more mindfully.
In a nutshell:Being mindful about speech simply means slowing down and choosing our sentences with care.
It helps us recognize and undo patterns that create separation.
It helps us cultivate empathy in communication.
The goal of mindful speech is not to police your sentences.
And it’s not to silence speaking out against injustice (quite the opposite).
The point is to be conscious of the words that we often take for granted.
Some people worry that mindful speech is too restrictive.But that has to do with one’s attitude around mindful speech – how we are relating to it – when really mindful speech can be a shift from an encumbrance of a rigid set of rules, to one of adventure.
When we bring attention to what we’re saying we can have unexpected possibilities of how we communicate with another person; how we connect with them.
It's not the opposite of spontaneity – it is what makes spontaneity possible.
Truth is, we have to know that we are not going to nail mindful communication right out of the gate. If it was that easy, we’d all already be doing it.
But I invite you to look at it another way; to see the work of mindful communication as an opportunity to create more freedom in your life.
Because that’s really what it is. So go on.
:: Learn to free yourself from your habitual patterns – your autopilot.
:: Open yourself up to a more creative way of being in the world.
:: Embrace the self-compassion necessary to actually grow from any fuck-ups along the way.
Mindful communication will allow you to be more present, more authentic and more humble in every relationship and every facet of your day-to-day life.
I can’t wait for you to get started. Life is too short not to.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- What mindful communication looks like, and why it differs from the more broad mindfulness
- About the three questions you can ask yourself to be more thoughtful during conversations
- The art of the pause – why it’s important to remember that we can create the pause, and how the acronym WAIT can help us build this reflex
- Why mindful listening is more than just hearing what another person is saying – it’s bearing witness to another human’s experience
- The reason self-compassion is crucial to engaging with this work on a deep level
- Some exercises you can practice in real time to help you identify where your own roadblocks lie
- Why mindful communication is one of the best ways to create more freedom and spontaneity in your life
// If you’re new here, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
Can money buy happiness?
Many great minds throughout history have tried to answer this age-old question. And I bet you’ve pondered it a time or two...
Over the years, there haven’t been any great anwers eithe, leaving many of us still wondering if money can truly buy happiness, and others assuming that it does.
As a result, millions of people have bought into the idea that they need to spend their lives chasing wealth as the way to happiness and wellbeing.
Which totally works out for capitalism, right? Make people feel like they need more shit to be happy. Keep the world turning round.
Enter Daniel Kahneman, a 2002 Nobel prize winner, whose research has added some interesting perspectives on the role of money in increasing a person’s sense of well-being.
In a nutshell, his study determined that having enough financial resources to afford life’s basic needs is crucial to avoiding significant degrees of emotional distress.
He found that in the United States, the income that seems to hit the bullseye on the money-happiness relationship is about $75,000 per year. At these levels, higher income may increase life satisfaction, which refers to how people think about their lives. But well-being or how life feels on a daily basis, stays the same.
More recently, a 2018 study from Purdue University used much wider data from the Gallup World Poll and found that the ideal income point for people is $95,000 for life satisfaction and $60,000 – $75,000 for emotional well-being.
So taken together, these studies found that people’s emotional well-being, or how they felt on a daily basis, didn’t improve as they made more than $75,000, but their life satisfaction, or how happy they were with their life overall, did...up to about $95,000.
Interestingly, above $105,000 it started to go down!
Dr Sonja Lyubomirsky, a leader in the field of positive psychology, summarizes the idea like this:
You need money to meet basic needs, such as access to healthcare and a safe place to live. If you grow up without resources like food, clothing or shelter, then having more money really makes a huge difference in your life and overall well-being.
But once you hit that middle class level, there really is no correlation above that. When you have a bunch of money, at the end of the day you still ask yourself, “Am I living a meaningful life?”
“What is my purpose?”
You still have to answer those questions.And here’s the other thing: being rich is relative.
We have an evolutionary tendency to compare ourselves to other people.
When we feel like we can’t maintain the same standard of living as our peers, it makes us unhappy.
How you rate yourself in terms of your subjective well-being, like whether you feel like you’re happy or satisfied or not, is very dependent on how you see other people doing around you and what they have.
But here’s something I want you to remember: despite the role that money does play, purpose is more important than money to be happy.
Research consistently shows that if you want to be happier in your job, you shouldn’t chase a high salary. It doesn’t mean you should turn down a good salary, but don’t let that be the driving force.
From a happiness standpoint, it’s more important that your job provides a sense of meaning or purpose.
A place for you to have your strengths shine.
And the ability to have those basic needs met.
Not only does having meaning make you happier, but studies have shown that you tend to be more productive, too.
When you’re engaged in an activity that you find challenging and satisfying, you experience that flow state – what I like to call your “Peak Experience”.
Truth is, how you spend your money is really critical to your happiness as well.In today’s episode, I share some pro tips on what this could look like and offer suggestions for a few places you can start right now.
We are in a time when our habits around money and shopping are changing.
Simply understanding what will make you happy is essential.
Being aware of our money beliefs and being open to challenging them and shifting them, is more important than ever.
The work needs to start on the inside – with your thoughts, your goals, your values, your living with meaning and purpose.
Finding balance between finances and other life-domains is a key aspect to achieving happiness.
I invite you to dig in with me. And I challenge you to ask yourself:
:: What level of financial freedom do you want to see in your life?
Like you’ve heard me say before: Money in this society is power. And we need more people with that power who want to use it for good.
Money is not evil in and of itself. It's how you earn it and how you spend it. So earn it with integrity. Spend it with love.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- Why how you spend your money is critical to your happiness – and why spending it on experiences, rather than material things, might be a good place to start;)
- Various studies that have examined the plateau point for money’s impact on people's happiness
- Why dream-based budgeting can make all the difference – stop wondering what you need, and be honest about what you actually need vs want
- About the psychological phenomenon called “hedonic adaptation” – and why it explains that simply getting more money doesn’t make us happier
- How to understand the difference between pleasure and happiness – because although money can buy pleasure, it doesn't necessarily mean it can buy happiness
- Why imagining your dream income is the first step to making it happen
// Want to dive in deeper? Check out Freedom School, the coaching experience where you learn to master your mind and emotions in all domains of life – relationships, career, money, health, and more. www.JoinFreedomSchool.com We have an entire month on Money Mindset and it is FUN!
// Check out this article I wrote on “How Much is Enough?”
// If you’re new here, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
What is true success? What is a truly “rich life”? What is a life of true FREEDOM?
We all may have our own preconceived notions of what the answers to these questions look like – notions that are subliminally based on societal norms, familial or cultural expectations and the systems of power that order our world.
Today, we’re digging into what “living a life of freedom” means to you – and how to move from just imagining this, to making it happen in the here and now.
For me and for many of my clients, ‘freedom’ is also about being able to choose the lifestyle you want.
What does that look like for you?Is a life of freedom:
:: Being able to get up at 8am and have two hours to go for a hike or a run on the beach...and then a yoga class?
:: Always waking up with the sun, not when someone else thinks you should set your alarm?
:: Traveling for four weeks at a time?
:: Not wasting three hours fare-shopping when trying to save $50 on a flight?
It may be all or none of these.
Truth is, freedom doesn’t always mean being a dirtbag (in my case, climbing guide) or a millionaire.
And it’s important to acknowledge that it’s a huge privilege to be able to think about what “our path” even is. To have the mental space to think about what we “want” to do in life. To not just be focused on survival, safety, and putting the minimum amount of food on the table.
I understand from personal experience that it’s not possible for everyone to be this selective.
But I also know that most people assume it isn’t an option for them to be picky when – and I’m living proof – it actually is.
Here’s the thing: not everyone prioritizes freedom, per se. If this is you, no problem! All the principles and tools in this episode are still applicable.
Instead of “What would a life of freedom look like for me?” ask yourself, “What would a RICH life look like for me?”
:: Would you only work while your kids were in school?
:: Would you earn enough to give freely to organizations you care about? Or only work for organizations aligned with your big values?
:: Would you travel the world and learn about other cultures?
This is all up to you. There is no right or wrong way to design a life of freedom.
But first you need to decide. And then you need to start creating it.
Because rebels, we never know when our last breath will be – and that means the time is now.
I want you to die knowing you lived this life fully. I have my own definition of freedom. I challenge you to cultivate yours.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- How to figure out what ‘freedom’ means to you – and how to design a truly rich life, right now
- What the many different levels of freedom can look like – and how to choose where you want to be
- Why my parents realized that giving me options – the freedom of choice – was the best gift they could have ever given me
- How my time as a climbing guide helped me understand why there is “a leisure class at both ends of the social spectrum” – and how to make the most of the time you have
- Why learning to define your freedom is 100% crucial to creating the life you want and deserve
// Go to DefineYourFreedom.com and get my Clarity + Courage course now – FREE for a limited time only!
// Check out some of my past blog posts for more of this Jedi juice: True Freedom is a Feeling and The Truth about Freedom: 3 Common Mistakes People Make
// If you’re new here, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose. You’ll get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
At an early stage in our lives, most of us have been taught that we need something outside of us to be happy – the right body, partner, job, car, house, bank account. Then somewhere along the line we also get taught something like, “True happiness comes from within.”
And we think we’re totally on board with that. We think, “Right. It’s not stuff that makes me happy – it's things like kindness + compassion that make me happy!”
The thing is, none of the above is true.
Want to know why? Because while it may seem obvious to many of you that “things” don’t cause lasting happiness, neither do kindness and compassion. It’s deeper than that.
Sound blasphemous? Stay with me.
Here’s the deal: we need to get really clear (like ASAP) on what, exactly, comes from outside of us and what comes from within.
And we need to learn this not from someone telling us what’s-what, but through our own experience, our own investigation, our own inner knowing.
Most of us think that what’s going on in our mind is the same as what’s going on in the external world.
When we don’t understand the difference between the two, we’re constantly exhausting ourselves trying to control the world in order to feel better.
We’re always grasping, searching, and believing that if we could just get fit, if we could just find the right partner, if we could just make more money, if we could just move to a different state, then everything would be so much better. We would be able to stop feeling like shit about our lives.
But the thing about how humans roll (and let’s be honest, capitalism hasn’t helped with this) is that we want something, we get it, and then we want the next thing.
But there IS no “thing” we can “get” or achieve that would stop us from wanting.
The truth is: even if there was, none of that outside stuff controls how we feel. Facts, things, circumstances...they don’t cause feelings.
Our thoughts about the facts in our lives cause our feelings. The good ones and the bad ones.
And compassion and love? They don’t cause a feeling like happiness either...because compassion and love are feelings, just like happiness. So what causes those? Yup. Thoughts
See where I’m going with this?In order to stop feeling like shit, we need to know what causes the shitty feeling. ALL feelings.
When you understand that our thinking is really what creates our feelings, you realize you can create any emotion you want right now.
And this is the Jedi mind trick to top them all.
Because think about anything you want in your life. You want it because of how you think it will make you feel. Anything you don’t want, you don’t want because of how you think it will make you feel.
And since we do everything in our lives because of how it will or won’t feel, we get into a whole new place of empowerment when we learn how to create that feeling ourselves instead of needing something outside of us to feel it.
We no longer need to wait to feel a certain way. It is accessible to us right now.
In the meantime, we also need to learn how to feel emotions – any emotion – because this isn’t about being happy all the time. We can choose to feel grief when a loved one dies or anger when we witness injustice. But we can’t effectively create a new emotion without completing another.
And until we master being with any emotion, we will still be wary of feeling the hard ones – which will hold us back. We’ll be afraid to feel embarrassed or humiliated or like a failure.
But once we learn how to be with any emotion mindfully, without judgement – to sit with the sensation it creates in our bodies rather than our narratives about the feeling – only THEN will we stop reacting to and resisting it.
Instead, we will open up to it. And we will understand that the only thing holding us back is our fear of feeling our feelings.
And then we’ll say, “C’mon world. Bring it on. I can handle it.”
Today, I invite you to dig into this work:Now, I don’t want you to just take my word for it. Go check it out for yourself. Try to find evidence against these things!
Because when you move beyond just understanding them intellectually, and you integrate these teachings into your bones and believe them wholeheartedly, I promise:
You’ll be able to create any emotion. Take any action. Manifest any result.
We need more people using this wisdom for good. To live the life they were meant to live, grounded in loving kindness and compassion and justice.
We need more rebels like YOU to step up and start practicing these Jedi Mind skills so we can stop acting from fear and feeling powerless in our lives.
Hear me when I say you are more powerful than you can ever imagine. To own that – and use it for the right reasons – is one of the most amazing ways you can make a difference in this world.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- Why, in order to stop feeling like shit, you must understand the difference between what’s happening “out there” and what’s happening in your mind
- How to recognize what different emotions feel like IN YOUR BODY – and why this is key to creating new feelings
- Why you have to be willing to really feel any emotion to do the things you want most in your life
- How to quit the circular thinking of “If I could just do X, then I would do Y” so that you can make tangible change right now and see your results in real time
- Four real steps you can take to stop feeling like shit and start making the most out of this wild + precious ride we call life
// Enrollment for Freedom School is now OPEN – but it’s open for just ONE week. Freedom School is my amazing group coaching experience where you learn ALL kinds of skills to train your mind to work FOR you instead of against you.
Every month I teach a new essential skill so you can stop wondering “what it would be like” and start LIVING it. If you've been itching to join, now’s your chance. Head over to JoinFreedomSchool.com and snag your spot and the amazing bonuses I created for you before the doors close again. That’s JoinFreedomSchool.com.
// I mentioned @theNapMinistry and here is their amazing IG account
// If you’re new here, grab the starter kit I created at RebelBuddhist.com. It has all you need to start creating a life of more freedom, adventure, and purpose.
Whether or not you had a childhood marked by conflict, or grew up in an environment of rage, you have likely – at some point in your life – struggled with anger.
Even in the closest relationships (especially in the closest relationships) anger and conflict are inevitable.
And so, when they show up it’s not necessarily a bad thing – it’s not a “bad sign” about the relationship, per se, because what anger is most often showing us is that our basic, most fundamental needs are not getting met.
In this sense, we need anger – it is important and helps us function.
Anger is awake. It's a signal – part of our human makeup when we've experienced a violation to our basic needs – that there's something going on.
But to understand anger, and to be able to use it in a helpful way or even to move beyond it, we must remember that something deeper lies beneath our rage.
When someone loses their shit over you not sending a text, or when you lose your shit about your partner not calling you to say goodnight, it isn’t about that.
It’s about a deeper need for connection, or safety – something vulnerable below the surface. And that can be difficult to recognize; even more so to name and communicate effectively.
The hard truth?People hurt each other. We come into relationships with pre-existing wounds from our childhood experiences, from systemic racism, heterosexism, ageism, from a misogynistic and patriarchal society, from traumatic life experiences and the collective wounds of our culture.
So then, in each relationship we create an energy push and pull. We want to move closer, then we pull back… We feel the need to be close then we get a little wounded and we move away or lash out, which results in a reaction from the other person...
We get attached and then we cut our hearts off.
In a relationship, both people are trying to get their needs met, and those needs are often different or even conflicting.
And it’s completely natural that we react. Our limbic brains were wired to react when we weren’t getting our needs met; as we were evolving, we needed that to survive – to react when someone took our food or threatened our safety.
As I’ve spoken about in previous episodes, we humans are evolving.
So what is the next stage of our evolution?I deeply believe that it involves a more refined ability for compassion, and also less vulnerability to the whims of our emotions that arise from our more primitive brain.
To truly transform and break old patterns, we need to become aware of our own default strategies. How do we react, how do we manage our mind and our emotions, when we are hurt by someone – whether deeply or superficially?
When someone breaks your trust, or judges you or criticizes you, pulls away from you, harms someone you care about... what happens?
We know that what happens initially is we get “hooked,” as Pema Chödrön likes to say. Then we usually lock onto defensiveness, blame and aggression.
When we don’t have a regular mindfulness or meditation practice, all this can happen in milliseconds.
So we also need to ask ourselves: when we get hooked, are we in the habit of calling on some mindfulness and some compassion in our response?
Awareness precedes change.Today, we dig into why one of the initial steps to addressing our anger and the conflict in our lives is to wake up to our own coping mechanisms. The next is to cultivate wisdom and compassion, for ourselves and for others.
I ask you to consider: how can you interrupt your default behavior and create more freedom in how you choose to show up in the world?
I invite you to remember: you have 100% capacity to respond to what's going on within you in a way that is wise and kind.
In the end, working with anger is about moving from reacting from a small sense of self, to responding from a more whole sense of our being (which we are totally capable of).
Because we NEVER get our needs met when we are raging.
And if we keep going around eliminating triggers, and leaving relationships, and dropping friendships, and judging, and self-justifying, then we'll never process the places inside ourselves that need the emotional healing.
This work isn’t easy. And for many of us, it takes a long term commitment to persevere.
So in this moment:
:: Give yourself some self-compassion.
:: Ask yourself what you need.
:: Then set out to go give yourself exactly that. And rejoice in it.
I promise, you will feel so amazing and FREE when you realize you have what you need within you.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:
- How to recognize different types of anger – and what is really underneath when it comes to the surface
- Why, when we act out of our default mode, we don't actually get our needs met
- The basic formula for expressing our anger in a helpful way
- Why it is so empowering to enter ‘emotional adulthood’ – and accept 100% responsibility for our internal experience
- How to respond to situations that trigger anger from a place of freedom, wisdom, and compassion instead of from our reactive primal brain
- A handy acronym (HALT) that reminds us to take a moment and ask ourselves if we are feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired when we're starting to rage – and how to use this to keep from getting ‘hooked’ into self-destructive behaviors
- How to bring attention to the suffering that anger causes all parties involved – and why it’s helpful to experience the tenderness that this recognition releases
Resources:
// Need a bit of guidance on how to mindfully resolve conflict when tense moments arise? Check out this PDFbased on Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings.
// Head on over to RebelBuddhist.com and get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// Enrollment opens soon in Freedom School, my one-of-a-kind membership program that helps you free your mind and free your life. We deep dive into everything I teach here. If you want to be the first to know when enrollment opens and grab the early bird bonuses, go here to get on the waitlist.
As a life coach, part of my job is helping people develop the tools and skills to be able to do something really crucial to their own long term growth: coach themselves.
Yes, I am here as a sounding board, a listener, a co-conspirator and a co-mastermind in helping my clients create the lives they want and deserve, (as a kick in the you-know-what if that’s what they need!) – but I cannot do the work for them.
We all have to do our own groundwork to free our minds, so that we can free our lives.
Self-coaching is a tool that I use on myself daily, and it’s also a model that I teach to my students in Freedom School and use regularly with my clients.
In practical terms, it is a way to apply many spiritual teachings while off the cushion, or off the yoga mat.
Really, self-coaching’s power is that it shows YOU how to understand your own mind.
And best of all, you can use it on the fly.
Today, I dig into why unlayering your mind, deliberately easing into new thought patterns and building a reflex of self-compassion in the process is essential to creating the life you want to live.
I also offer up a tool us life coaches use – called The Mindfulness Model – to help you begin to break down and understand your problems (through an approach that parses out your circumstances, thoughts, feelings, actions and results) so that you can create real, tangible change in your life.
It may sound kind of abstract right now, but you can start to think of The Mindfulness Model as a form of active meditation, or applied meditation – a practical way to engage mindfulness.
One of the biggest mistakes people make with mindfulness of thoughts is that they think thoughts, in and of themselves, are true. They are real – but not true. Coming to understand this distinction may just be one of the most important elements of thoughtwork you ever do.
So, I invite you to take this in today.
:: I invite you to consider different ways of thinking about your past that actually serve you.
:: I invite you to learn how to use these tools in a way that really works – for YOU.
If this is your first introduction to this model – or it’s the first time you’ve ever even heard about it – you may very well be like, “Ana, what are you talking about?”
I get it. It’s often unsettling because it often means you need to be willing to be wrong about your old worldview.
But if you are willing to open to that, then you’re going to be willing to adopt new ways of thinking about your life and about yourself and those in your life…
And this will help you create the life you were meant to live, to less suffering, to more joy, more compassion for yourself and for others, and to not wasting this one precious life on believing things that no longer serve you, on regrets and resentment and anger.
It will help you free your mind, and free your life. I want to share this gift with you in this episode.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- What The Mindfulness Model is and how to use the tools it offers to free your mind so that you can free your life
- About the components of the model (circumstances, thoughts, feelings, actions, results) and what they mean
- Why any problem can be categorized into The Mindfulness Model – and how this can empower you to become a pro at working through your shit as it comes;)
- How to build self-compassion into your reflexes – and get rid of the negative self-criticism that isn’t serving you
- Why paying attention to what is going on in your brain takes a lot of effort – and is absolutely essential for real personal growth
- What the process of ‘unlayering your mind’ looks like, in real time
- Why, when you start understanding your mind, you’ll develop the ability to change your feelings, change your actions, and change your results in your life
- How to get to the place where thinking really positive, nurturing, nourishing thoughts comes naturally to you – and why this takes lots of practice
// Click here to download a visual of the mindfulness model and a sample model form
//See a visual of The Mindfulness Model at
// Check out Episodes 3 and 14, on how to change the past and learning how to believe new things – both offer tools applicable to the teachings in this episode.
// If you need any help with starting to use The Mindfulness Model, please go to RebelBuddhist.com and get access to the private Facebook group where you can ask me questions! Once you join, there’s also a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// Enrollment is currently closed for Freedom School, my one-of-a-kind membership program that helps you free your mind and free your life. We deep dive into everything I teach here. If you want to be the first to know when enrollment opens, go here to get on the waitlist.
Human brains love black-and-white thinking. Thinking in terms of absolutes: of ‘right or wrong’, of ‘good or bad’, of ‘all or nothing’.
With black and white thinking, there’s no tension or resistance – none of the discomfort that comes with cognitive dissonance. Because things are either one way or the other way, and this allows us to settle into the comforting absence of ambiguity – the comfort of being 100 percent convinced that we’re right, or that we are good, or that they’re wrong, or that that’s bad.
In truth, there is a level of indulgent comfort in this way of thinking. It saves us from having to think critically or negotiate the complexity of the reality we want to create in life.
Here’s the catch: humans are not good or bad. Humans are good AND bad.
And ideas, thoughts and approaches are not right or wrong. They are, most often, right and wrong.
So, when we can hold these conflicting truths – of both things being true at the same time – and use our critical thought, we can evolve ourselves much more quickly.
When we understand that life is about succeeding and failing, getting it right and getting it wrong, being a good person sometimes and being a “bad person” others...there’s freedom in that.
Freedom in being able to use the word “and”, instead of “or.”
Today, we dig into what black-and-white thinking looks like and why it’s necessary to shift these thought patterns in order to grow in big, tangible ways.
If you’re bent on being good and being right and only speaking when you’re the ‘expert’ on a topic, you’ll miss that opportunity to evolve as a person.
You also miss the opportunity to listen deeply, to be curious, and to learn.
Being open and not afraid to consider other ideas – knowing that your values will hold true for you, or that maybe you want to question your values or your history, and that you’re starting to identify how you want to change – that is a beautiful thing.
That is evolving.
When you can embrace the ‘both/and’ that exists in the world and in yourself, it will be easier to forgive yourself, to cut yourself a break AND show up in ways that are important, to both hold yourself to higher standards and understand yourself (and other people) more authentically.
Let me be clear: the path to get there is a much harder one. It takes strength and stamina to learn these skills, because it’s easier to rest on your ‘either/or’ laurels.
But we NEED to learn to hold both at once.
So I ask you:
:: Can both/and be true?
:: Can you hold space for the both/and’s in yourself? All the contradictions in your life?
:: And when you do, what do you notice? What happens inside your brain and inside your body when you’re willing to give up the all-or-nothing thinking?
Consider this. It’s an urgent invitation.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:
- Why black and white thinking is limiting for personal, professional and societal growth
- How to train your brain to be able to hold all the ‘both/and’s’ that exist in this one precious life
- Why it’s easier to think in absolutes than sit with the discomfort of cognitive dissonance
- How to apply the tools shared in this episode to your life so that you can start to see change in your thinking habits and patterns
- Why the spaces in between all the polarities that exist in the world are where the magic happens
- How to use ‘both/and’ thinking to grow, evolve and live more authentically – in the long term, and everyday
// The reason many humans like all-or-nothing thinking is because there’s no cognitive dissonance. Check out Episode 14 for more on what cognitive dissonance is and how to create new beliefs that actually serve you.
// Read this piece I wrote in Elephant Journal about How to Drink like a Buddhist, and learn the 4 steps that helped me cut back on the booze.
// If you want more of this Jedi juice, head over to our Rebel Buddhist Facebook page and join the free private group where important conversations are happening in a safe place. There’s a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, and it’s a place where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// Want to learn more about how to free your mind and free your life, go to RebelBuddhist.com and grab my free Rebel Buddhist Toolkit, where you’ll receive a video training on cultivating resilience, a copy of the gorgeous Rebel Buddhist Manifesto, and more!
// Enrollment is currently closed for Freedom School, my one-of-a-kind membership program that helps you free your mind and free your life. If you want to be the first to know when enrollment opens, go here to get on the waitlist.
Have you ever noticed that we think we need to control the world, and that – somewhere in the back of our subconscious minds – other people need to behave a certain way so we can feel good?
We have so many rules for our relationships that we’ve stopped experiencing them and are locked into the expectations of how the relationship SHOULD be, instead.
The secret is this: your relationship with anyone is dependent on your thoughts about them. That means that, in reality, our relationships are simply thoughts about another person.
The big kicker here? Your thoughts about them are dependent on your expectations of them and how well they meet those expectations.
Here are a few simple truths:
You can’t have love for someone – you just have love when you think about them
You can’t be mad at someone – you have thoughts that make you mad.
Someone can’t hurt you – you have thoughts that hurt.
These can be tough pills to swallow.
That’s why this episode is all about getting to know the other person you are in relationship with – whether that relationship is romantic, platonic or professional.
In order to get there, we wade through what your thoughts and expectations actually are – how to recognize them – and why you’ve got to eliminate them to truly move toward unconditional love, friendship or respect.
Once you truly understand this, your relationships will never be the same – they will be so much better in every way.
Because the truth is, while we may not realize it, we all have a manual of expectations that informs how we want others to behave so that we can feel better in the long run.
It’s like an operation manual... a book of rules and expectations of what is normal, kind and acceptable behavior according to us. In Buddhist terms we can see this ‘manual’ representing our attachment to how we want other people to behave.
When we get along with people or love to hang out with them, it's usually because they are following our manual. We may not even know we have one until someone isn’t following it.
And here’s the catch: we often don’t realize we’re doing this.
We forget that, as adults, people – including you – have the freedom to behave how they want.
Often, relationships morph into two people just following each other’s manuals. This has become a primary focus of modern therapy, and self help too: “What do you want or need? And what does the other person want or need and how can they show the other person this?”
And then you meet in the middle and end up with no one getting what they really want. Just a life of compromises.
Now, I'm not saying relationships don’t take compromise. That’s a given.
But this is also true in any relationship: we are responsible for meeting our own needs.
We need to remember our happiness comes from within ourselves – not whether or not our partner/friend/employee lives up to our expectations.
Today, I invite you to lean in to the process of letting go of your manual, of setting boundaries and honoring the responsibility we carry to take care of ourselves.
Start out by asking yourself: in what ways DO I want to control other people? Why? Where does this come from within myself?
Real talk? We lose our power in a situation or relationship in which how we feel is dependent on someone else's behavior.
Let’s change that.
Choose to focus your brain in ways that serve you. Choose to invest in your relationships in ways that feel good. Choose to shift your expectations and stand in your truth. Cause one thing’s for sure – you won’t regret it.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- What ‘The Manual’ is – and how to better understand the expectations we carry that dictate how we want others to behave (so that we can feel better)
- How to stop trying to control other people – learn instead to control your mind and your response to how other people behave
- Why I believe we are responsible for meeting our own needs in our relationships
- Why you’ve got to know what makes you happy to do this work
- The two main things that have us compromise more than we need to in relationships
- How to stop denying yourself love when someone doesn’t follow your manual
// Want to know more about how to create boundaries like a Buddha? Grab this free training on how to set boundaries that actually work – and how to do this from a place of kindness. And stay tuned for an episode on this coming soon!
// If you want more of this Jedi juice, grab the free Rebel Buddhist Training Kit and get insider access to join the free private group where important conversations are happening in a safe place. There’s a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, and it’s a place where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// Enrollment is currently closed for Freedom School, my one-of-a-kind membership program that helps you free your mind and free your life. If you want to be the first to know when enrollment opens, click here to get on the waitlist.
Ever find yourself wishing you could just stop over-drinking? You don’t identify as an alcoholic, per se – your drinking habits may be affecting your body or brain power a bit negatively, but they’re not affecting the lives of others or those you love – and maybe you don’t want to quit cold turkey, you just want to...reign it in a little?
I hear you. I’ve been there too. And it ain’t easy.
When I quit drinking, so many of my friends changed.
When I stopped over-drinking, it made me less easygoing – in a good way.
Because when we drink, we don’t care as much about things. We’re not thinking about them as much. We’re overeating, we’re thinking and worrying about our bodies instead of thinking and worrying about our lives.
So first thing’s first: why decide to drink less, or stop altogether?
There’s no moral judgment about alcohol here – I want to know what it is inside you that is urging you to cut back?
What is that still, small voice in your head saying you’re missing out on something when you over-drink?
It may seem like freedom is the ability to drink however much you want, whenever you feel like it.
It may feel like you are constraining your freedom when you stop at one or two drinks, or when you don’t drink at all.
But friends, what’s going on when you change your relationship to alcohol is this: you get your freedom back.
When you NEED a drink to feel better?
When you NEED a drink to deal with boredom or the lack of self care?
When you NEED a drink to loosen up or to have fun at a party?
That is NOT freedom.
The truth? Having something like this to work on – whether it’s over-drinking or over-eating or over-binge watching...etc – will help you in the long run.
Because when you learn to manage your urges, when you learn to address attachment and desire, you learn skills you can apply to any area of your life.
Luckily, there are tools out there, like this podcast, to help give you a boost in that direction;)
In my life coaching programs, I use a lot of tools to help people do things like finally free themselves of anxiety, create the confidence they need to leave the job or the mediocre relationship, or lose the weight they’ve struggled with for years.
And all those cutting edge tools are based on mind management from Buddhist psychology, applied positive psychology, and brain science.
Turns out – those exact tools work on drinking too!
So I invite you. Take charge and honor that little tug inside you that draws you to this topic.
:: Find out what resonates with you.
:: Envision what you want out of life and start building the skills necessary to change your habits.
:: Don’t wait to try the tools offered in this episode. Your rebel self can’t afford for you to not GO for it.
If there’s one thing I’d like everyone who wants to drink less and feel free to know, it’s that it is possible to release this unwanted desire to over drink. It is possible to get to where you want to be, to reach those new heights of Jedi magic.
I did it, and I’m here to share how.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- Why, for some, drinking less can be a lot harder than stopping altogether
- How having this challenge can help you live a more full life.
- How to stop your ‘drinking thinking’ – and free up more time and energy to put towards living your life to the fullest
- Some of the brain science behind all this + how to combine it with Buddhist mind management tools to help you honor the ways you want to grow (and act on them)
- How I used to overdrink as a way to tolerate things in my life that were waaay out of alignment – and how I turned this on its head
- A bunch of steps you can take RIGHT NOW to drink less and feel free – to be more present for all that this one wild and precious life has to offer
// Read this piece I wrote in Elephant Journal about How to Drink like a Buddhist, and learn the 4 steps that helped me cut back on the booze.
// Learning how to drink less goes hand in hand with learning how to quit buffering. If you missed it, check out Episode 13 on exactly that.
// Alcohol is one of the most common forms of buffering, and can be one of the hardest to recognize or know how to change. Check out my Drink Less, Feel Free training and sign up for FREE to learn the 3 most crucial steps to changing your relationship with alcohol.
// If you want more of this Jedi juice, head over to our Rebel Buddhist Facebook page and join the free private group where important conversations are happening in a safe place. There’s a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, and it’s a place where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// Enrollment is currently closed for Freedom School, my one-of-a-kind membership program that helps you free your mind and free your life. If you want to be the first to know when enrollment opens, go here to get on the waitlist.
Cognitive dissonance. It’s one of those big, fancy scientific terms you may have heard before but only have a vague understanding of what it actually means when you really try to think about it.
The official dictionary definition? Cognitive dissonance is “The state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.”
But in lay people's terms – and in terms of how to apply this concept to creating a life of freedom, adventure and purpose – cognitive dissonance is as simple as this: feeling like shit as you try to create a new belief.
Because to create a new result in your life, you need to create a new way of thinking. And that process feels...very uncomfortable.
The “cognitive” part of cognitive dissonance refers to the mind – more specifically, our thoughts.
It also refers to the dissonance that exists between two different thoughts in your brain that are occurring simultaneously (a.k.a. when who we think we are is different from what we are doing).
For example, that moment when you’re like “Wait, I think of myself as a healthy person, but I’m drinking a bottle of wine every night.” There’s cognitive dissonance there that makes us uncomfortable because two thoughts are clashing. In that sense, it can also be helpful in letting us know when things are out of alignment.
But it isn’t as helpful when we want to create something new, and that something new is different from our current reality and belief systems.
Because when you have two thoughts that contradict each other in your brain, you are going to have mental discomfort.
Which (let’s be honest) feels like shit.
So here’s the rub.
Anytime you want to create a new result in life, you have to DO things differently which means you need to THINK differently.
Like Einstein said, “We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”
To create something new – to achieve a new goal – you will need a new thought.
...Welcome to cognitive dissonance.
In this episode, we dig into confirmation bias, what it takes to change your belief systems about yourself, how to let go of old beliefs in order to create new ways of thinking, and how to sit with the mental discomfort that comes when you set goals that push you beyond what you previously thought you were capable of.
The bottom line is that developing a willingness and an ability to be uncomfortable really is what you have to do to experience deep growth and change. To go for your dreams. To make a meaningful difference in this world.
So go on, I dare you.
Develop the muscle and the resilience to hold two contradictory thoughts at the same time and not shy away from the dissonance this sparks.
Learn to bridge the gap between your old belief systems and the new ones you want to create.
Decide what you want in life – then practice believing you can get it – and build the skills to go f*cking make it happen.
The world needs you to invest in yourself like this right now. To put in the work.
And remember: there is a reward for you on the other side of all this.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- What cognitive dissonance is – how to recognize it, how to create new thoughts and let go of old beliefs
- Why cognitive dissonance is the reason most people don’t want to set goals
- Lots about confirmation bias – why the brain is constantly trying to prove what it already thinks of as true
- Why, in order to create change in your life, you need to be willing to experience cognitive dissonance and the mental discomfort that comes with it
- More on our FAVE topic: the mighty Motivational Triad – and how it relates (almost contrarily) to the way cognitive dissonance moves you towards discomfort & away from pleasure or what’s easy
- How to bridge the gap between the two models of your life – the one in which you currently live, and the one in which you WANT to live;)
- What laddering thoughts are and how to use them to change your belief systems about yourself
- Why cognitive dissonance is actually required for us to live the best version of our own lives
- How my business is literally built around helping people feel really uncomfortable – and why developing a willingness to be uncomfortable is the recurring theme that lies at the heart of SO much thoughtwork, mindfulness and resilience building
- Tips & tools for changing an old, habitual thought into a new one that can change your life – and others’ lives too
// If you want more of this Jedi juice, head over to our Rebel Buddhist Facebook page and join the free private group where important conversations are happening in a safe place. There’s a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, and it’s a place where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// Want to learn more about how to free your mind and free your life, go to RebelBuddhist.com and grab my free Rebel Buddhist Toolkit, where you’ll receive a video training on cultivating resilience, a copy of the gorgeous Rebel Buddhist Manifesto, and more!
// Did you resonate with drinking a bottle of wine every night? Check out my free 3 Steps to Drink Less training, where you’ll also receive info on managing your “drinking thinking” and how to deal with the cognitive dissonance that comes up.
// Enrollment is currently closed for Freedom School, my one-of-a-kind membership program that helps you free your mind and free your life. If you want to be the first to know when enrollment opens, go here to get on the waitlist.
So many of us use (or have used) buffering as a way of tolerating things that aren’t acceptable in our lives.
We use alcohol to make a boring party more fun. We use food to get rid of that anxious feeling in our stomach when we know our partner will respond with anger when we bring up a difficult topic. We use Netflix to distract ourselves from a stressful job that we hate.
What’s underneath this is: you have something in your life that isn’t great, something in your life that doesn’t really work, something in your life that you want to change.
But instead of changing it, instead of working on it, instead of making it better, you just buffer instead. And all of that buffering will make the fact that something isn’t right in your life a lot easier to tolerate.
What’s wrong with this, exactly? What’s wrong with being able to tolerate something hard in life a little better?
It doesn’t fix the problem.Buffering just makes bullshit more tolerable instead of seeing that your emotions are information and are trying to tell you something – which can then lead to actions to change the situation that you’re tolerating.
When you feel anxious. Angry. Bored. Restless…
All of that is telling you that something is out of alignment. Something isn’t right with how you want to live your life. How you want to be living this one precious human life that we have.
Whatever it is, when we don’t allow space for those hard emotions and buffer instead, sure, it makes the shitty feelings easier to deal with – it buffers them – but we don’t take action to solve the actual issue.
We don’t have the hard conversation with our partner asking to be treated with more respect
We don’t start searching for another job.
We don’t get to bed earlier and wake up to work out and meditate to deal with our stress.
Truth? Yes. It’s a helluva lot easier to buffer than face those hard truths. Because buffering doesn’t require anything of you except to escape.
But in reality, all buffering is doing (whether it’s with food or alcohol or overworking or shopping or adrenaline sports…) is helping you tolerate something you shouldn’t be tolerating.
The magic is, when you take away the buffering, your life as it really is becomes clear.
This gives you an opportunity to change and to grow.To have the courage to feel your emotions instead, to process the urges, to go through that whole process.
When you stop buffering, you get to pay attention to your deepest desires and fears. To the life you want to create.
Then you don’t miss out on life. On your authentic self.
Then you discover your power and live your truth.
And this isn’t selfish. This is what the world needs.
Think about what kind of world we’d be living in if people looked honestly at their lives and didn't try to escape the hard truths.
Think about how people would show up differently in the world if they were living the lives they were meant to live.
I honestly believe we’d be living in a more compassionate, connected world.
Buffering doesn’t make us better people by helping us tolerate. It’s totally selfish because instead of making positive changes, we tolerate all kinds of shit in order to avoid hard truths.
So yes, this is not work for the faint of heart.
But it is necessary, because all humans want to fulfill their dharma, the reason they were put here on the planet – the thing they, and only they, can gift to the world.
We ALL have a purpose.
We ALL have our unique gift.
And when we buffer, we don’t discover that. We don't know that gift, we don’t fall in love with it.
I want you to look at your life and I want you to ask yourself:- In what ways am I buffering?
- And if I stopped buffering, how would I feel? Why?
- What is it that I’m tolerating that I shouldn’t be tolerating?
When we buffer we don’t hear that soft still voice inside us, that inner wisdom, our highest self, asking us to be rebels, calling us to go against the grain, telling us to do the courageous thing, the scary thing.
Telling us we are meant for more.
I don't know about you, but I want to be awake to my real life.
So, look at your life. I don’t want you to look at the buffering as something that you’re tolerating anymore. I invite you to completely remove that from your mind for a minute and really ask yourself this:
What do I need to do in my life to make it better than anything I’m doing to escape it?
What needs to change? Where do I need to stop people-pleasing? In what ways am I not telling the truth to myself and to others? How can I start rocking my own house down instead of just going with the grain and trying to be normal to get society’s approval?
Mmmm, yes. Those are all urgent questions.
So, seriously, don’t wait. The world needs you to not wait.
Stop buffering in order to tolerate your life. Create the life of your dreams, instead.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- Why we buffer as a way to tolerate things in our life we shouldn’t have to tolerate
- How learning to face your hardest truths and emotions will enable you to instead act to change situations that you would otherwise continue to tolerate and avoid
- Why, when you stop buffering, you’ll stop avoiding making the hard decisions – and how the act of making those decisions will give you your power back
- About how my Drink Less, Feel Free course allowed a client of mine to have more control over her own habits and be more present for the beautiful moments in her life
- How to GO FOR IT and choose your life’s red pill (yes, this really is a Matrix reference) – and become the rebel you’re meant to be rather than a person who chooses to stay in blissful ignorance by picking the blue pill
- Why I used to spend a lot of time bargaining with myself about how much I’d drink, then rationalizing when I didn’t stick to it – and why learning how to stop buffering was a game changer
- How to quit escaping and settling for an existence that’s less than the life you want to create – tips on how to find your purpose and start living as your authentic self
// Alcohol is one of the most common forms of buffering, and can be one of the hardest to recognize or know how to change. Check out my Drink Less, Feel Free training and sign up for FREE to learn the 3 most crucial steps to changing your relationship with alcohol.
// If you want more of this Jedi juice, head over to our Rebel Buddhist Facebook page and join the free private group where important conversations are happening in a safe place. There’s a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, and it’s a place where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// Enrollment is currently closed for Freedom School, my one-of-a-kind membership program that helps you free your mind and free your life. If you want to be the first to know when enrollment opens, go here to get on the waitlist
Here’s a golden nugget of truth I’ve learned the hard way throughout my life: the more you have an aversion to discomfort, the more you actually suffer.
It’s totally ironic, right?
If all you did was stay in fancy places, if all you did was protect yourself from discomfort and everything was always temperature controlled and soft and tasty and nice...the minute shit went wrong, you would have a much stronger reaction to it than if you had practiced being with discomfort and reminded yourself that life isn’t always comfortable.
And that discomfort isn’t something to be…feared.
This episode, we dig into why expanding our comfort zones is essential to our personal development and growth; why we have to learn to trust ourselves and to speak up, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Because, the truth is, you don’t get to do cool shit in life without knowing how to be uncomfortable. You don’t learn how to be truly honest with yourself until you face what you routinely shy (or run) away from.
Embracing discomfort, expanding your comfort zone – these are skill sets that will help you be able to do whatever it takes to make the most of this one precious life. To create the life you were meant to live.
Today, I invite you to seek out more than comfort and joy. And I urge you to:
So the next time you feel uncomfortable, don’t try to push it away. Try to expand what you are able to be comfortable with, and see what it has to teach you.
You don’t deserve comfort. You deserve better.
In This Episode You’ll Learn- How to reflect on what makes you uncomfortable and recognize where you have room to grow in facing this
- Why, at this point in my life, I’ve struck a balance in knowing that, for me, it feels right to have a little discomfort and a little posh
- How to make being uncomfortable a daily practice that will aid you on your way to more fully expanding your comfort zone in the long run
- Why you must understand that nothing “wrong” is happening when shit gets hard – it’s just the way life is and you suffer LESS when you accept this.
- How to appreciate what you already have – so you feel abundant and can call in more
- What the mountains and my dirtbag days taught me about embracing discomfort, how far to push my own limits and who I had the capacity to really be in life
// Check out my blog post on why you deserve better than comfort here: https://www.anaverzone.com/you-dont-deserve-comfort-you-deserve-better/
// If you want more of this Jedi juice, head over to our Rebel Buddhist Facebook page and join the free private groupwhere important conversations are happening in a safe place. There's a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, and it's a place where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work – in all parts of your life.
// Enrollment is currently closed for Freedom School, my one-of-a-kind membership program that helps you free your mind and free your life. If you want to be the first to know when enrollment opens, go here to get on the waitlist: https://freedomschool.anaverzone.com/freedom-school
One of the most common issues my clients come to me for coaching on is their tendency to people-please.
On the one hand, we can feel good when we do things for other people. This is pure generosity and kindness.
But with people-pleasing, doing things for other people is the MAIN source of joy and often comes at the expense of self-love and self-care. And the intention behind it stems from insecurity and fear.
When we people please, we are not being authentic and living our truth. People pleasing leads to doing and saying things because you want to affect or change the way the people think about you. Or because you think their needs are more important than yours.
It can come in many forms — avoiding speaking up when someone says/does something racist to avoid their/your discomfort; not advocating for yourself in a partnership because you’re afraid they’ll love you less if you ask for what you need; avoiding being honest about something you don’t like that your partner does in bed...and MUCH more. (**To be clear, these situations are nuanced; I am NOT victim blaming here, or referring to the complex safety issues – experienced more acutely at work and in everyday life by BIPOC – that may necessitate certain strategic forms of carrying oneself. More on this in the pod;)
Can you see how people pleasing is also closely related to your level of confidence, to ziji? And to self-love?
All this people pleasing is also exhausting, because not being yourself and honoring your truth is fucking exhausting. You spend all day wondering how other people might see you or what they might think. You’re so afraid of disappointing other people, you end up being a version of yourself that isn’t you – not your whole self, anyway.
You put someone else’s happiness in front of yours. You prioritize their needs over your own.
And you know what?
Oftentimes these habits aren’t coming from an authentic place within us – a genuine, purely generous desire to make others happy – whether we realize this or not.
Instead, people pleasing comes from wanting to avoid a sense of anxiety or guilt if we say no, or wanting to avoid disappointing someone, or wanting to change how they think about you.
And despite our best intentions, sometimes the impact of our people pleasing can turn out to be the very thing we were trying so hard to avoid.
So the truth is, when you think you are doing something to make someone else feel better, to feel happier, it’s actually because of how YOU want to feel – or don’t want to feel.
When we are doing something because it makes us happy when we do it – and there’s no resentment or expectation that other people will respond to us or think of us in any particular way – that is LOVE. Not people pleasing.
Want to become a pro at recognizing the difference between the two? I invite you to dig in.
Here are my three challenges to you on your journey to quit people pleasing:
I invite you to do this NOW.
To begin, you’ve got to give yourself permission to be raw and wild and authentic...and brave.
Because you know what? You already deserve every drop of juice available in this one wild and precious life.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:
- How to stop putting other people's needs and happiness in front of yours and start prioritizing your own
- Why a big part of confidence and self love is being willing to be uncomfortable – and being willing to disappoint other people
- How to start doing the work to see your worthiness in YOURSELF
- Why there is such a strong association between people pleasing and being defined as a ‘nice’ or ‘good’ person – how to get past your own perception
- How to stop conflating people pleasing with love
- Why what you are doing to make someone else feel happier is actually because of how YOU want to feel – or don’t want to feel.
- How to stop inadvertently rejecting yourself and change your thought patterns
- Why the more we try to please others, the more we need others’ approval and depend on external validation
- Tools to start honoring your truth, knowing what you want and stop deferring your needs Once. And. For. ALL
Resources:
// Click here to read the original version of Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s poem, “The Invitation”: http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/index.php
// For more on the motivational triad, check out Episode 2 here: https://www.anaverzone.com/2-how-to-not-care-what-other-people-think-about-you/
// If you want more of this Jedi juice, head over to our Rebel Buddhist Facebook page and join the free private group where important conversations are happening in a safe place. There's a weekly FB live called Wake the F*ck Up Wednesday, and it's a place where you can ask questions that come up as you do this work - in all parts of your life.
// Enrollment is currently closed for Freedom School, my one-of-a-kind membership program that helps you free your mind and free your life. If you want to be the first to know when enrollment opens, go here to get on the waitlist: https://freedomschool.anaverzone.com/freedom-school
Did you know that the average person makes 35,000 ”remotely conscious” choices per day? If we are spending about seven hours a day sleeping and likely not making decisions (depending on the type of dreamer you are ;), that makes about 2,000 decisions per hour
And it may sound like a crazy number, but according to researchers at Cornell University, we make 226.7 decisions each day on just food alone.
As time goes on and life gives us more responsibilities, so does the range of choices we’re faced with.
“Would it be totally stupid to quit my job in this economy?”
“Should I leave my relationship?”
“Is that really worth the money?”
“I want to say no, but what if they’re mad when I do?”
It’s easy for us to get into “analysis paralysis,” wasting so much time, energy and, let’s face it – bottles of wine – ruminating about which decision is best for us.
But life is about making choices. And our brains can get really good at this – especially when we are clear about who we are and what we want – but it takes learning some skills.
This episode digs into the different types of choices we can make, and how to make decisions – even hard ones.
Cause life is short, and we don’t want to f*ck it up if we can avoid it.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- How to move beyond “decision fatigue” and finally make a decision
- Why making choices (or don’t make them) is central to your inner confidence, sense of authenticity, and alignment with your integrity
- Why it’s important to take responsibility for your choices
- Why developing the skills to make active decisions rather than passive ones will really benefit you in the long run...even if its a painful learning curve at first
- How to claim your own agency in your decision making – and become more resilient in living with the consequences of your choices
- Why facing your hard decisions head on will help you curb unnecessary stress, depression, procrastination and even physical illness
- Tools that go beyond “listening to your intuition”
- Why “wrong” decisions don’t make YOU wrong
- The profound effect that the ongoing and continuous act of making choices – mindfully – will have on your life
// Check out my free 7-day Clarity + Courage Course course here: www.claritycouragecourse.com
// For even more tips and tools on how to make hard decisions, read my blog post here: https://www.anaverzone.com/make-hard-decisions/
// Want to know how to build unshakable confidence and resilience? Have a tribe that supports you? Learn about the Rebel Buddhist Manifesto? Click here to grab the Rebel Buddhist Toolkit for a free resilience training, an active online community, and more.
Think about this for a minute: if you knew – like really knew – you only had a year or a month or however long left to live, how would your mindset change? How many of those inner obstacles currently holding you back would fall away if you truly grasped the impermanent nature of your own life?
Because we think we have time, we spend time on habits (mental, physical, and spiritual) that distract us from creating the life we’re meant to live. We allow ourselves to remain in that comfortable cocoon of “for now” because we’d really rather avoid having to deal with the anxiety, fear and overwhelm that we’d have to overcome to take action. We wait for… another time.
We put the important things off.
We put off the big adventure – and it’s not just the adventures we put off
We put off the inner work, too
We put off forgiving that thing that happened a long ass time ago.
We put off telling someone we love them
We put off just letting ourselves be fucking happy already.
One of the main reasons we do this is because we believe we will have tomorrow, or next month, or next year, or after we retire, or after we graduate, or after we get the raise…
But we don’t know that
Today we’re digging into a couple topics that many people like to avoid the most: the true impermanence of our time here on earth, and the big kicker, the uncomfiest of subjects: death.
But hang with me, there’s a method to this madness!
The first step to changing our mindsets and our actions to create the lives we really want, we have to talk about these things. To recognize, sit with and meet them head on. Because when we fully realize 1. how precious, fleeting, and miraculous this life of ours is, and 2. we are going to die and we don’t know when—that is when we truly start living.
Our hearts open, we give love freely, we find the courage to face our fears and start living the way we’ve been longing to, right now. Believe me, I learned this the hard way.
It isn’t just me who thinks all this. Meditating on the preciousness and impermanence of this human life are the first two steps on the Tibetan Buddhist Path to Enlightenment. In this tradition, it isn’t until you have grasped these two concepts that you can move on to the other stages on the path to enlightenment.
And you know what? The other truth is, if you're living a life that is not in alignment with your truth, with who you are...an authentic life of love, compassion and integrity and whatever else you value – freedom, passion, joy, adventure – then life is going to feel too long - no matter how short.
So you see, the preciousness of this life, the impermanence of it, death...these things aren’t something we should ignore or put off as depressing.
When we are aware of them, we live life more fully.
And while we can’t live every day like it’s our last, we CAN ask ourselves what would make today a good day? One we have no regrets about. One that might even be a good day to die.
Or at least not be a shitty day to die.
I invite you to be brave today, to sit with these topics that may have previously been sources of fear and anxiety for you, and to see them in a new light – a sexy light. A liberating light. And a motivating one.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- How to stop avoiding thinking about death – and how to instead acknowledge what facing it can teach you about living now
- A few ways to shift your mindset about impermanence + use it to mentally reframe your own narrative
- About one of my biggest regrets in life and some life-altering decisions I made along the way – how they pushed me to create the life I wanted and live in integrity
- Why your fear of death is actually your deeper fear that you have not lived your truest life (Steve Chandler)
- How to stop putting off the things that make us happy for ‘another time’ and start living fully now
- Why we must recognize the preciousness of human life in order to take real action toward making the most of the time we have
// Read this Elephant Journal piece I wrote about The Buddhist Way to Wake the F*ck up & Really Live your Life.
// Want to know how to build unshakable confidence and resilience? Have a tribe that supports you? Learn about the Rebel Buddhist Manifesto? Click here to grab the Rebel Buddhist Training Kit for a free resilience training, an active online community, and more.
// Ready to dive even deeper into all this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.
You probably think you know what ‘s important to you, right?
But in my coaching practice, I’ve found that while most people believe their values are very clear to them, when it comes down to putting words to our values, a lot of people get stuck!
That’s totally OK – and to be expected, because not a lot of folks have been given the chance to sit down and consciously reflect on all this.
It might seem like a no-brainer, but it takes more conscious effort and commitment than one might think: In order to really understand what you WANT out of this one wild and precious life, you must get clear about who you are and what’s important to you. Period.
Because if we don’t know what we want and what our values are, we waste so much damn time, money and energy on things that don’t serve us.
This episode is super interactive (for all you experiential learners out there!) – we dig deep into how to get clear on what’s important to you, and I offer a few tips and practical exercises for a solid starting place. Got your pen and paper ready?
Taking the time to get clear about what we believe in, what we prioritize, and what feeds our soul is invaluable. Decisions can become more clear when we pause to think about how our actions – and their consequences – fit in with our values.
Too many people wait until the Big Event happens – the new job, the new degree, the kids leaving for college, finally getting pregnant or having a partner, to fit into their old jeans, or make X amount of $$$ – before they start feeling joy and that their outside life is in alignment with their internal values.
The catch is that, to manifest all those things you want, you need to start feeling that way NOW. Because our thoughts create our feelings, and our FEELINGS drive our actions, which create our REALITY.
If you want to do what it takes to create your ideal life, don't wait to feel amazing.
Give yourself permission to feel that way RIGHT NOW. This work is foundational to creating the life you want and is super fun to do...So let's do it. Right here, right now. It doesn't take too long!
Give the episode a listen and learn to unearth the wisdom that YOU hold inside yourself – see how you can use it to manifest honoring your values more often in your daily life, so that you can feel the alignment, clarity and courage that comes with doing this.
Feed your soul. Nourish those parts of yourself that are of the utmost importance. And give yourself permission to grow, learn, and evolve! Because your values can – and will often – change as you gain new experiences and new wisdom.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:
- A few tips and practical exercises for getting clear about what’s important to you
- How to explore your Peak Experiences (memories that spark your soul) to help you more clearly identify what your deepest values are
- Why tapping into your core feelings of your personal values is essential to this work
- How to get past trying to find the “perfect” word to articulate your values – and a couple fun alternatives for this
- Why it’s so important to take a small part of each day to connect with your "special place” – and how to create space in your life to enter it more often
- How to cross-check something you want to make sure it's aligned with your core values
- The difference between your personal qualities and your values – how to whittle these down to your MOST important traits and release the ones that don’t serve you
// Check out my free 7-day Clarity + Courage Course course here: www.claritycouragecourse.com
// Want to know how to build unshakeable confidence and resilience? Have a tribe that supports you? Learn about the Rebel Buddhist Manifesto? Grab the Rebel Buddhist Training Kit for a free resilience training, an active online community, and more at https://www.AnaVerzone.com/rebelbuddhist
// Ready to dive even deeper into all this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss. Go to http://www.JoinFreedomSchool.com
Ever have moments where this realization just hits you like a runaway train? “Oh shit, I am not living in alignment with my values right now. How did I end up here?”
Yeah. I hear you. I’ve been there. And it can be a pretty stop-you-in-your-tracks, flip-your-world-upside-down kinda moment. Because then the second realization comes: “I’m so fucking unhappy. It’s gonna take so much work to change this.” Then maybe: “I’m not sure I’m up to the task.”
If this is you, I’ve got you! I’m with you! And I have some things to share with you that I think really might help you on this journey.
This episode is all about an UH-MAZING little document – called the Rebel Buddhist™ Manifesto – that I created years back as a manifesto for Freedom Junkies and has evolved into its current iteration for all you rebel buddhas out there.
I dig into each of its 15 tenets and share some personal experiences that crystallize how I came to be clear about the values of my life, my business and this podcast.
I hope that by sharing this with you, it will inspire you to get really clear about yours too, because here’s the thing: when you get clear about your values, it’s a whole lot easier to be happy.
When we are happy, it’s often because our external life is in alignment with our internal values.
When we are unhappy – anxious, unsettled...it’s because we sense our life is not in alignment with our values.
And that’s exactly what this manifesto is for – helping you get back in alignment with who you truly are. Each part serves as an offering of guidance on everything from learning to study our minds and practice FIERCE self-compassion, to cultivating radiant inner confidence and healthy boundaries from a kind place, to accepting the responsibility of our power to move society towards social justice and anti-racism.
If you can listen and sit with these offerings – pay attention to your opinion on each one, reflect on what it brings up inside you – you’ll be one step closer to flipping your world right-side up again.
So, I invite you to start today.
To constantly seek out new experiences – both internal ones and external ones. Big ones and small ones.
It’s not just about adrenaline sports (something that became a big outlet in my own life) or seeking freedom willy-nilly without strong intention and drive.
It’s about making new friends, trying new foods, talking about hard topics like racism and white supremacy to people that might think differently than you, exploring countries where you don’t speak the language, or where you are the minority, starting a business, writing an op-ed...or that BOOK.
I don’t know about you, but I am not pretending that I have forever. I am not pretending that mending a relationship can wait until later. I am not hoping that I am the one exception to this eternal rule - that we are here for way less than we want to be, no matter how long.
I’m damn proud of this manifesto, and I hope you are proud of being a part of this community too. Here’s to you discovering your power and living your truth.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:Why the root of all true courage and confidence is being willing to feel ANY feeling
How to speak your truth with strength and kindness – and why that’s more nuanced than just being straight up honest or delivering the cold hard truth all the time
How to learn from your mistakes, look for solutions and move forward when life rips you a new one
Why we must release ourselves from victimhood and choose to take back our power so we can share our gifts with the world and help make it a better place for everyone
How adventure helped me mature the grit I had developed throughout my fraught childhood – and pushed me to actively create the life of my dreams
Why adventure is essential to your evolution, too
How to recognize the impermanence of life and use your time on this one wild and precious ride to the fullest – in a nutshell, how to Wake. The. Fuck. Up. and let go of what’s not serving you
Resources// Want to know how to build unshakable confidence and resilience? Have a tribe that supports you? Learn about the Rebel Buddhist Manifesto? Click here to grab the Rebel Buddhist Training Kit for a free resilience training, an active online community, and more.
// Grab this free training on how to set boundaries that actually work – and how to do this from a place of kindness.
// Check out this piece I wrote on why adventure is essential to our evolution.
// Read about one of my über uncomfortable (but proud) moments, and consider who you are willing to disappoint or make uncomfortable to honor your truth.
// Ready to dive even deeper into all this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.
Many people are facing a hard realization right now: “If I don’t learn how to take care of myself, I will burn out.”
It’s true. You cannot dedicate yourself to creating the life you want, contributing to and changing the world… and then ignore your own bodily, mental and spiritual needs. Because that’s what causes self-combustion. And then you’re not helping yourself, let alone anyone else.
In reality, it’s a balancing act – in order to show up for others in your fullest capacity, you must first learn to nourish yourself so that you CAN show up, and show up well.
When people ask me how I do so much – my multiple graduate degrees, traveling for months out of the year, the business, the mommy daughter days…yoga, meditation, and all my other multipassions, I always tell them that a huge part of it is I know how to take care of myself and I prioritize it.
I know how to work hard and how to play hard and how to make sure my body and mind and spirit can deal with all the things I take on.
When I talk about my self care to people outside of the coaching industry (because most coaches already know how important this is), I often get, “Well isn’t all this self-care kind of …selfish? Isn’t it just all about you you you?”
Here’s the thing – being “selfish” is almost always considered something negative in this society. By definition, it means “to put one’s needs and desires before other people’s.”
But, wait…could being ‘selfish’ in this way also produce positive results at times?
I invite you to search for the grain of truth in this. Because you have to know what you need to be able to operate in the world most effectively. You have to know yourself, how your mind works. Your strengths. How to keep the engine running.
From that place, you will have so much more to offer the world – and you’ll be able to take action from a much more skillful place.
Learning to give from a full cup
When we learn to take care of ourselves, we can do something forever, because we aren’t sacrificing our energy for short-sighted thinking.
One of the things almost all my clients say is they want to give back to the world, to contribute THEIR gift.
But that’s impossible to do if your well is empty.
The fountain of giving is impossible to sustain when you’re constantly depleting yourself for other people at your own expense.
Of course, there is an actual version of being selfish – ONLY thinking about yourself and taking from other people at their expense and creating more freedom in your life at the expense of the freedom of others.
That’s selfishness.
Many of us have been taught that if we don’t put others first all the time, then we’re being selfish.
But as with most things, there’s a middle way.
And from that middle way, we can give way more than we can than trying to pour from an empty cup.
When you have more to give, you show up for others more authentically – not out of obligation or resentment or self-sacrifice, but out of joy and love and energy.
Then giving is something that energizes you instead of something that depletes you.
Why are we so worried about people thinking we’re selfish?
Because, on some level, we think there’s something wrong with us, there’s something bad about us and that we need to go prove something to the world, that we are worthy.
So many people right now are posting and commenting and writing about how much they care about anti-racism and Black Lives Matter with the intent to look good for other people – to get positive feedback from others. For the optics, their self-image.
This comes from a place of insecurity and shows up in not taking care of ourselves as well – people-pleasing, trying to make them like us, lying and doing stuff we don’t want to do and being full of resentment…
But in truth, people can sniff that BS from a mile away.
It is so much more effective and genuine when you know you are worthy and loveable no matter what other people think.
I invite you to learn how to come from THAT place.
How to take action out in the world based on your own self-respect and alignment with your values – not in an attempt to get it from someone else because you’re feeling so empty.
You have to learn the skill of giving and filling yourself up, so then you can go out in the world and give.
Can you see how this is the first step in being selfless?
Even the Buddha discovered this – after a long time of physical deprivation, he realized he had to eat from a bowl of nourishment before he could attain enlightenment. This is when he discovered the Middle Way.
Now I’m not saying to wait to take action until you’ve got all your shit figured out. Because that’s a lifelong process.
I’m saying to not wait to take care of yourself – because so many of us say, “I’ll do it when this problem is finally gone.”
But that’s not how it works.
So, here’s to being selfish first so you can become more selfLESS.
Because we really, really need you to be in this for the long haul, and I know you want to contribute. To do the right thing. To make this world better than when you came.
Start with self care. Continue with self care. Do the work. Take action towards your dreams, your ideal life, towards social justice, towards anti-racism, towards the world and the life you want to create.
Never stop. Instead – rest.
And the next time someone says you’re being selfish, you can say, “Thanks! I’ve been working on it.”
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- How to embrace + prioritize self-care to build stamina and avoid burnout
- Why being “selfish” is seen as a derogatory term, and how to shift your thinking on this
- How I came to understand that doing everything for everyone and nothing for yourself does not translate as love to everyone
- Why we need to change the structure AND change from the inside-out to make a true societal shift
- How to nourish yourself – practice saying ‘no’ when ‘yes’ is a lie
- Tips on taking parts of your life back – how to withdraw your giving in a way that’s not at someone else’s expense
- How to show up for yourself first, so that you can show up for others FULLY
// Grab my free training on how to create better boundaries and learn how to stop relying on other people to change in order to feel better, and how to turn around the surprising thing you’re doing in relationships that’s making them worse. Click the link to sign up and get access now: https://www.anaverzone.com/boundaries-training-ej/
// Check out The Nap Ministry’s Instagram page and learn how rest can be seen as a form of resistance: https://www.instagram.com/thenapministry/?hl=en
// Want to know how to build unshakeable confidence and resilience? Have a tribe that supports you? Learn about the Rebel Buddhist Manifesto? Grab the Rebel Buddhist Training Kit for a free resilience training, an active online community, and more at https://www.AnaVerzone.com/rebelbuddhist
// Ready to dive even deeper into all this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.
If you’re like most mindful people right now, you are responding to racial injustice and the Black Lives Matter movement and the awakening that has resulted from the murder of George Floyd and those before him - and those after as well.
You may be engaging deeply or supporting materially or recommitting yourself to anti-racism work and education for the long-haul. You may have questions, be grappling with how best to take action and show up, or be wondering what true allyship looks like and how you can embody it, now and always.
All this might look different if you’re a white person thinking through the complexities and limitations but necessity of allyship, or a non-Black person of color possibly already steeped the various ways to stand in solidarity with the movement for Black lives.
The truth is, at the most basic level of true allyship and the heart of what anti-racism work requires is this simple thing that many people – white folks in particular – still actively struggle with, whether they’re conscious of it or not: a genuine willingness to be uncomfortable.
This work is not easy. It’s not clean and it’s not pretty and if you think you can show up for the movement without ever having to step outside your comfort zone, you’ve got another thing coming.
One thing that goes hand-in-hand with – and is often a product of – someone’s UNwillingness to be uncomfortable is the focus of this episode: a harmful habit called tone policing.
Let’s break this down.In her book Me and White Supremacy and her Instagram course on this topic (see ‘Resources’ below), Layla Saad describes tone policing as “a tactic used by those who have privilege to silence those who don’t by focusing on the ‘tone’ of what is being said, rather than the actual content.
It is when white people ask BIPOC to say what they’re saying in a ‘nicer’ way.
It’s saying (or thinking) things like: I can’t take in what you’re telling me about racism because you sound ‘too angry’. Or your tone is ‘too aggressive’....Or if you would just ‘calm down’ then maybe I might want to listen to you. Or you’re bringing too much ‘negativity’ into this space and you should focus on the positive. Or, or, or...
There are so many direct and subtle ways [akin to gaslighting] that tone policing takes over. Essentially, it is a request that BIPOC share experiences about racism without sharing any of their (real) emotions about it. It is also a demand that racism be presented in a form that is more palatable, and doesn’t make White Fragility flare up.”
Tone policing didn’t just come out of nowhere.
It stems from a looong history of policing Black bodies in this country. It has origins in the rhetoric, ideologies and structures of white supremacy designed to control and “civilize” BIPOC, so it’s not new or specific to this moment, even though this conversation is especially pertinent right now.
When white people or non-Black allies tone police Black voices – even when we don’t know or recognize that we’re doing it – it is one way that white supremacy, racist ideology and internalized anti-Blackness manifests in the contemporary moment.
Know what? It’s well past time to learn how to check these habits.To learn to be an anti-racist, to be a true ally when it comes to racial justice, one has to develop the reflex of checking their own defensiveness, their tendencies to tone police or assert their “manual” for others in order to avoid their own discomfort.
What’s interesting is we often don’t know we have a manual until people stop following it, until our little “instruction book” is being challenged. When this happens, we have to face the fact that we've subconsciously tied all of our emotional life to whether or not people follow our manual. If they don’t, the walls we’ve built to protect ourselves from experiencing discomfort become destabilized, and we lash out instead of listening and really taking in valid criticism or feedback.
In the case of tone policing, white people often think they are asking something reasonable when they expect BIPOC to share experiences of racism without sharing any of their (real) emotions about it.
But asking someone to recount, explain or describe their experience of racism in a form that is more “palatable” or “safe” for white people – that only reproduces harm.
People seeking to embody true allyship when fighting against racial injustice must learn to sit and be present with what makes us uncomfortable. We must learn to self-soothe, to manage our reactions, to listen in a deep way to what is being said and learn to interrupt our thoughts and habits that make an important conversation, encounter or moment about us.
Because we are responsible for our emotions. Not someone else.
I want to invite you to start this learning now. I want to invite you to put yourself in positions that are risky. That create fear or self doubt.
I want you to really listen to Black voices, to BIPOC voices that make you feel uncomfortable – ask yourself why and then do the honest work to shift this.
I want you to get past the tone and listen to the content, because you have the capacity for that. You are capable of far more than you think. And in truth, you can’t afford to wait.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- What tone policing is and how it manifests in many forms
- Why, in order to practice true allyship, you MUST have a willingness to be uncomfortable
- Tools for recognizing when you’re resisting emotions – and how to instead hold space for those emotions so that you can manage them on your own time, be more present for difficult conversations, and show up as a stronger ally
- How to sit in “fearless presence of the discomfort”
- Why anti-racism work and listening to BIPOC voices isn’t about making white people feel good
- How radical mindfulness can help us accept the responsibility of our power and move society towards racial and social justice
// Read this short piece in Time Magazine and watch the interview featuring Andra Day, the singer whose song “Rise Up” became “an unofficial anthem of the Black Lives Matter movement” – Andra Day: True Allyship Requires a Willingness to Be Uncomfortable
// Read this poem on Lions Roar, “Darkness is Asking to be Loved” by Zenju Earthlyn Manuel who invites you – “if you’re holding up and trying to meditate right now” – to instead fall down.
// Poem by Thich Nhat Hanh:
Waking Up
Waking up this morning, I smile.
Twenty‐four brand new hours are before me.
I vow to live fully in each moment
and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.
// Read about one of my über uncomfortable (but proud) moments, and consider who you are willing to disappoint or make uncomfortable to honor your truth
As nationwide protests continue to erupt throughout cities small and large in the wake of the recent murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, and many more, hard and important conversations have taken hold. Conversations about systemic racism and white terrorism. About police brutality and militarized violence. About collective rage pushed to the brink from centuries of oppression in a country that was founded on genocide and slavery, on stolen Indigenous land and on the backs of enslaved people stolen from Africa.
This moment deserves space. This moment demands attention. This podcast is my imperfect attempt to hold that space by offering thoughts on how to use radical mindfulness + thoughtwork to rewire our internal biases and internalized racism, so that we can move toward anti-racism work and social justice action.
Here’s the deal: by being born in a society where white supremacy is the bedrock – one in which we are taught negative messages about Black and Brown people and positive messages about white people – racist thoughts and ideologies are taught to us (whether intentionally or not) from a VERY young age.
Sometimes we are not even aware of these thoughts we hold and did not consciously choose. But just because we did not consciously choose them does not mean they do not exist.
Many people who hold societal positions of unearned power and privilege – white people in particular – only begin to question or deconstruct these racist ideologies and systems once they grow older; some never do. People of color – and Black people in particular – are not often afforded the same luxury. Because structural racism, and the generational trauma of racial violence, is woven into the very fabric of their lives and daily experience From. Day. One.
In truth, white supremacy and systemic racism hurts everybody – but in different ways and to obvious, varying degrees of violence. To believe the burden of “undoing” or “solving” racism falls on Black folks or people of color and not white people, is to be sorely mistaken. The same goes for social justice and anti-racism work.
EVERYONE must take an active role to combat injustice.The process of UNlearning internal bias and racism takes WORK. It is not pretty. It is not easy. It takes risks. And it looks different for everybody.
I want to invite you to do the work in the way that you can show up.
Many people also don’t take action or speak up because they are afraid of doing it “wrong” or of being criticized or judged.
You have to be willing to feel negative emotions to do hard things - like anti-racism and social justice work.
As a coach, so much of what I teach is that we need to learn to be uncomfortable. That’s why so much of my work is around building emotional resilience. Because being uncomfortable is where the true growth happens.
And what I’ve seen is that, for the long-haul, we need to also change our beliefs – (thoughts that we’ve had over and over again).
One of the main purposes of our practice is to encourage you to investigate your mind, to be with emotions like shame and guilt, to see the results they are creating in your life, and to ask yourself if you want to continue that way.
The Buddha taught, “You are not your thoughts”. And thoughts and actions are not the same.
We need to be willing to not identify with our thoughts so that we can work with them.
When we can admit that we have prejudiced thoughts, then we can take the next steps.
We need more people taking action.
What will lead to productive and sustainable action?For me, radical mindfulness is a tool for individual liberation that leads us to more skillful action for social justice.
I want to encourage you, as my teacher Geshe Tsultrim Gyelsten said, to “Check your mind.” See your internal biases. Your internalized racist thoughts.
I want to encourage you to use any guilt you might have as a signal that things are out of alignment with your values and that things need to change.
I want to encourage you to not indulge in feeling shame and spinning into inaction.
I want to encourage you to see that your thoughts are optional. And that you can unlearn them.
**Use your privilege and donate, support, fund, and hire in an anti-racist way. Be explicit – not just intentional – because impact trumps intent. It should be no surprise to people that you are anti-racist (see ‘Resources’ below)!
Remember that this is a long-term process – not a thing you get a certificate for and you’re done.
And while you do this VERY important work, I want you to take action, because the world cannot wait for everyone to get their shit together.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:- How to use thoughtwork + radical mindfulness to rewire internal bias
- Why it’s important to develop emotional resilience
- The difference between shame and guilt, and how to move beyond both toward action
- How to acknowledge when we mess up – ways to listen, learn and act instead of getting defensive
- The difference between equality and equity, between diversity and inclusion
- Why you must ask yourself “What am I willing to risk?” to fight for justice and show solidarity – how to move beyond fear and avoidance
- Concrete ways you can show up for the movement right NOW
I encourage you to check out: // The Higher Learning Podcast has a wonderful episode on the importance of nationwide protests over George Floyd’s death.
// Karen Arrington’s book Your Next Level Life about how she became an activist at age 13 (!!!) and started a protest to have the racist name of her middle school changed.
// I am a HUGE fan of Rachel Cargle's work on anti-racism education and activism and the discussions she leads around race and womanhood. More on her below.
// Rachel Rodgers shared an amazing and generous resource in her I Am Not Okay blog and is also calling on other leaders to step up and do better.
// Mireille Charper’s Instagram Post on practical tips to be an ally.
Education. // Rachel Cargle has a great free 30-day anti-racism course. You can follow her on IG here. Check out the links in her bio for the free course. She also has tons of other great resources on her website.
// If you're a coach, Trudi Lebron (@trudilebron) hosted an excellent created a workshop, called Show Up and Serve, for white coaches interested in applying antiracist principles to their businesses. You can purchase the recording here.
// This is an extensive list on Anti-Racism Resources for White People, which is updated regularly.
// For parents: here is a list of books that support conversations on race and racism with children.
Donating. There are so many wonderful organizations to make donations and support this cause. The Minnesota Freedom Fund, The Official GoFundMe George Floyd Memorial Fund, and the NAACP Legal Defense Fund.
// blacklivesmatter.carrd.co for more resources for taking further action.
// @mireillecharper put together a great list of resources for further education:
More to follow on Social Media:Rachel Cargle @rachel.cargle
No White Saviors @nowhitesaviors
Layla Saad @laylafsaad author of Me and White Supremacy
Check Your Privilege @ckyourprivilege
Rachel Ricketts @iamrachelricketts
The Great Unlearn @thegreatunlearn
Reni Eddo-Lodge @rennieddolodge
Ibram X. Kendi @ibramxk
Past experiences shape who we are. We, humans, spend an incredible amount of time reliving our pasts and forming narratives that, consciously or unconsciously, can begin to dictate how we think of ourselves and how we show up in the world.
But the truth is, you likely have some stories about your past that aren't serving you – that are, instead, keeping you from owning who you are NOW and rocking the hell out of this one precious life.
Today, we’re going to talk about your past and how to change it.
For many of you, this may be the most important work you do in your life. Because far too often, we base our entire identities on our past experiences.
All those things we regret.
All those things we feel victimized by.
We spend a lot of time with those memories – those thoughts – of the past.
In turn, this influences how we experience the present moment – and how we create our future.
What is the past, anyway?
The “past” as we experience it now is a thought – a thought about what happened.
We feel like our thoughts about the past aren’t optional – that they are just recollections of facts. We don’t think we have a choice about how we think of the past.
This is why, when we spend all our time perseverating about the past, we keep living the same life over and over. We keep repeating the same patterns.
But actually, we get to remember our experiences however we want to.
Does this mean that all those traumatic events in our childhood didn’t happen? F*ck no. Of course, they did. Does this mean that all that work we did to heal and overcome them and move forward somehow becomes minimized by not giving them as much brainpower? Never.
But our interpretation of those facts – the STORY we tell about them – THAT’S optional. Ultimately, our thoughts create our results.
Using myself as an example, I could choose to tell myself the story of how hard my life was because I grew up poor and in a violent, gang-ridden neighborhood, with a mother who abused me, a mentally ill father who gave away all our money whenever we might have had any, and because I was raped at 16 years old. And I could use all that to have a big ol’ justified pity party for myself.
But instead, I choose to tell a story of triumph and how I am the true heroine of my own life. (you can hear more about that on the podcast).
I want to encourage you to use your past in a way that actually serves your present. Because believe it or not, our brains can only be in one place at a time – right now.
To create a DIFFERENT future, you need to create new thoughts. Choose new thoughts.
When we are mindful and aware of our thoughts about our past, we can choose thoughts that help us show up as better humans in the world.
It is possible to rise from the ashes - I’m living PROOF.
And to do so, the story you tell about all that past stuff has to change.
Your PAST does not define you. YOU get to define you.
Topics in this Episode:- Why our thoughts about the past can keep us from living our lives to the fullest
- How to use your past in a way that actually serves your present
- Why our identity is tied to our story of our past – and how to change this
- Tips on embracing what I refer to as “practical” emptiness
- Why my past suffering helped me develop grit, start my business, and ride out the ups and downs of abusive internet trolls and hate letters.
- How you can come up with the new thoughts about your past + ways to really start practicing these new thoughts, instead of defaulting to old ways of thinking
- Changing your narrative – the reason you should get curious about why a past experience happened for you, instead of to you
**Please note that the content of this episode does not apply in the same way to people with a diagnosis of PTSD or severe trauma or other mental illness which continues to impact their daily functioning capacity – that’s out of the scope of what I’m referring to. If this is you, feel free to still listen to the episode but please consult with your provider knowing the podcast content may not be fully relevant to you at your current stage of healing.
Resources// Want to know how to build unshakable confidence and resilience? Have a tribe that supports you? Learn about the Rebel Buddhist Manifesto? Click here to grab the Rebel Buddhist Training Kit for a free resilience training, an active online community, and more.
// Ready to dive even deeper into all this? Check out Freedom School where we have an entire month on content on this topic. See what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.
Why are we so willing to work hard for someone else’s dream but not our own? Why are we so willing to disappoint ourselves instead of someone else?
The truth is—unless you’re some kind of crazy-evolved superhuman—you probably spend a good deal of time and mental energy obsessing about what other people think of you. You may not even realize you do this. Or, you may be hyper-aware of it and wish you could just STOP CARING, but don’t know where or how to start.
Either way, you’re not alone.
One of the most common reasons people come to me for coaching is to manage the anxiety + insecurity they have about caring so much about what other people think.
Some of my clients have panic attacks worrying about what their ex thinks of them, so they end up living stuck in the past instead of getting out and rocking their life without the ex.
Others don’t question their faith or ask the hard questions because people will see them as disloyal to their community, or they don’t want to leave their stable job to start their dream business because others will judge them for following their passion.
The lack of action they have comes from being afraid of what people might think of them – if they succeed OR if they fail. When you care too much about what someone thinks about you, it’s a no-win situation. You fail ahead of time.
How do you start to change this?Worrying about what other people think of us doesn’t just affect our mood or self-confidence; it actually affects our behavior in all kinds of crazy ways. It takes a HUGE toll on our ability to reach our fullest capacities, and oftentimes prevents us from doing what is in true alignment with who we are.
To change this – to really start living the life you were meant to live – you’re going to need to rebel against what people think is right for you, even if they have the best intentions or elements of what they’re saying is true. You’re going to need to be OK with people thinking you’re crazy, too full of pride, or irresponsible or too sexy or disrespectful or a total bitch. You’re going to need to be ok with them feeling threatened, embarrassed, jealous or holier-than-thou.
Because when people see you doing what’s risky and deciding to follow your dreams, do you know what it does?
It causes other people to question their own life and the way they’re showing up.
We need people to shake things up and make other people uncomfortable so that they wake the hell up.
We need rebels like YOU to lead the way in realizing that the point of life isn’t to be happy all the time. The points are:
To live this one precious life fully.
To feel ALL the feels.
To not fail ahead of time by not even trying, but to die at least knowing you gave it your all.
How what someone thinks about you really IS about them - and not you – so let people be wrong about you. Yes, you can (and should) come at it from a place of compassion. But start living in your own truth. And start doing it now.
Topics in this episode:- Why we seem to obsess over what other people think about us – how it holds us back
- How to let people be ‘wrong’ about you + learn to be OK with disappointing others
- How I learned to stop giving a flying hooha about other people's judgement – and how it freed me up to live the life of my dreams
- Why you MUST start doing you instead of what other people think is ‘right’, even when it’s hard and uncomfortable
- How you not caring what people think can inspire others
Having healthy boundaries is key when you practice letting people be wrong about you. Click here to grab the free Boundaries training.
Want to know how to build unshakable confidence and resilience? Have a tribe that supports you? Learn about the Rebel Buddhist Manifesto? Grab the Rebel Buddhist Training Kit for a free resilience training, an active online community, and more.
Ready to dive even deeper into all this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.
We have this one, precious human life...at least in this body, on this miraculous planet, with these unique whacky people in our community around us.
Yet too many of us spend this amazing opportunity tolerating things that no longer serve us.
We tolerate our limiting mindsets, behaviors, and situations that no longer serve our highest good. We tolerate our negative self-talk, the soul-sucking job, the “good enough” relationship, the toxic friends, the lover that’s just not that into us.
We tolerate our unhealthy habits like not exercising when we say we will, not meditating as often as we’d like, emotional eating, or overdrinking (which used to be my personal favorite) and over-Netflixing (my current favorite).
And because how we do anything is how we do everything, we are more likely to tolerate the sexist comment made to our colleague by the boss, or the racist remark we overhear at the dinner party, or the crappy healthcare system.
Why do we do this?
It’s actually really odd, because humans are not built to tolerate. On the contrary, we are built to be brave and to go out into the world and evolve and make a difference. We want to feel we are making the most of life and our potential. We crave a life of freedom, adventure, and purpose. We all have that Universal source within us - our Buddha nature - and we want to realize it. In fact, it can be a big source of suffering when we don’t.
While our nature is to want to evolve, there’s a problem we encounter while trying to tap into our highest potential - and it’s called OUR BRAIN. Its primitive parts want to keep us safe so we survive. It wants us to stay very, very safe and not do anything to rock the boat. Which is quite handy...until it’s not.
Because not tolerating means taking risks and potentially feeling awkward. Or embarrassed. Or even humiliated or disliked. Evolution requires going into the unknown, being willing to adventure and not know what the outcome will be with any certainty.
To live a life of no regrets means choosing to rebel against the nature of our primitive brain, and tap into our highest self.
We need to rebel against our old mindsets and the stories that no longer serve us.
We need to rebel against conventional thinking that says to be happy you have to change what’s on the outside.
We need to rebel against the notion that we are not powerful enough to make a difference.
We need YOU to stop tolerating, and to discover your power and live your truth.
Topics in this episode
- Why we tolerate things in our life that no longer serve us
- How your brain contributes to tolerating BS
- Why we make the same mistakes over and over - and why I know you are not broken
- How my cancer helped me stop tolerating - and how you should not wait for something like cancer to stop it yourself
- Discomfort and why we need to learn how to feel anything
- Tips for how to manage your mind so you STOP tolerating
- What is ziji and why you MUST have it
Resources:
Grab my free Unshakeable Confidence training at www.UnshakeableConfidenceCourse.com
How to Set Boundaries That Actually Work:
https://www.anaverzone.com/how-to-set-boundaries-that-actually-work/
